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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 38553" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Never take on board what ANY kid says like this, especially if the kid has a diagnosis of bipolar. You HAVE to learn to ignore it, to detach. otherwise you eat yourself up inside, and for what?</p><p></p><p>You clearly love your son. You feel that he does not love you back the same amount - first, don't believe it. Second, he doesn't have to, so don't expect it. If you lower your emotional expectations you are going to be less vulnerable.</p><p></p><p>Kids say things like "I hate you" the more, when they know they can get to you that way. Even TTs do it. I get it from difficult child 3 a lot - for a kid who had the obvious language delays that he had, he's VERY good at using language to wound, or to manipulate. You just have to be better, in turn, at not buying into it. DON'T et him set the mood for the relationship; don't own anything he dumps on you. Otherwise HE is in the driver's seat, not you (or husband, assuming he ever gets off the couch).</p><p></p><p>I make a point of openly not owning any "hate" talk from the kids. I remember one night we were fighting over homework and difficult child 3 was screaming, "I hate you," and I replied with what had become my standard reply: "That's a shame, because I happen to love you very much. It's your behaviour that I'm not too fond of." I stated it calmly and then walked out of the room to give him time to think about it and not be able to answer back.</p><p>Next morning as I dropped him off at school he said, "I'm sorry I was mean to you last night, I don't hate you, really."</p><p>I replied, "Then it really was a silly thing to say, wasn't it?" and explained gently that while I understood, a lot of people would still be hurt by such things and that words once said are very hard to take back. We finished with a hug before school and of course, it wasn't the last time it happened.</p><p>Just last night I was talking to difficult child 3 about finishing up a section of schoolwork and he really didn't want to talk about it, or think about having to work the next day. "You really don't care about how I feel, do you?" he said.</p><p>Once again, I didn't own it. I didn't get angry, because he was expressing his feelings honestly and that is legitimate; I just wasn't going to accept it. So I answered, "You know that I do care, really. I know you know that. And it's because I care that I want you to keep working well and stay on task. By getting back to this work and completing it quickly, it will take you less effort and less time because it's still fresh in your head. Remember, while you're working on this I'm there beside you, supporting you through it. I'm not getting my stuff done either, because I put it aside to help you. The sooner you finish, the sooner I can get on with what I want to do."</p><p></p><p>We talk about things rather than me laying down the law. He is of an age where he needs to learn to make his own decisions, with guidance. He will argue, negotiate and try to weasel out of responsibilities, until HE can be shown that HE has made the decision to be responsible. I do think that a lot of the argument is just him, trying to analyse the boundaries and explore the scope of what has to be done. Once he's got it worked out, he works well. Sometimes he flips back into, "I really don't want to do this," but I remind him that he agreed to, and try to show him some reward component somewhere, even if it's "When you've finished, I'll make a milkshake for us both as a reward."</p><p></p><p>Good luck in getting husband to pick up the slack. You may be right in the delay factor for husband getting a better response than your immediacy. Also, difficult child is used to you always being there - familiarity breeds contempt. So if husband is getting better results, letting husband handle things is a darn good idea. Just make sure you follow through and don't keep stepping in. But DO ask husband how things went, don't suddenly turn into a carbon copy of how he's been. Show husband by YOUR example, what sort of support you've always wanted. Ask him how it's going, ask him how he feels, encourage him to talk to you about things. It is not only good for your relationship, it's good for consistency with difficult child and, most important of all, if/when husband drops his bundle and hands responsibility back to you, you will already be fully briefed! (Using having to flounder as one more reason to be angry with husband & difficult child for dumping you back into the salt mines is NOT healthy for any of you).</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 38553, member: 1991"] Never take on board what ANY kid says like this, especially if the kid has a diagnosis of bipolar. You HAVE to learn to ignore it, to detach. otherwise you eat yourself up inside, and for what? You clearly love your son. You feel that he does not love you back the same amount - first, don't believe it. Second, he doesn't have to, so don't expect it. If you lower your emotional expectations you are going to be less vulnerable. Kids say things like "I hate you" the more, when they know they can get to you that way. Even TTs do it. I get it from difficult child 3 a lot - for a kid who had the obvious language delays that he had, he's VERY good at using language to wound, or to manipulate. You just have to be better, in turn, at not buying into it. DON'T et him set the mood for the relationship; don't own anything he dumps on you. Otherwise HE is in the driver's seat, not you (or husband, assuming he ever gets off the couch). I make a point of openly not owning any "hate" talk from the kids. I remember one night we were fighting over homework and difficult child 3 was screaming, "I hate you," and I replied with what had become my standard reply: "That's a shame, because I happen to love you very much. It's your behaviour that I'm not too fond of." I stated it calmly and then walked out of the room to give him time to think about it and not be able to answer back. Next morning as I dropped him off at school he said, "I'm sorry I was mean to you last night, I don't hate you, really." I replied, "Then it really was a silly thing to say, wasn't it?" and explained gently that while I understood, a lot of people would still be hurt by such things and that words once said are very hard to take back. We finished with a hug before school and of course, it wasn't the last time it happened. Just last night I was talking to difficult child 3 about finishing up a section of schoolwork and he really didn't want to talk about it, or think about having to work the next day. "You really don't care about how I feel, do you?" he said. Once again, I didn't own it. I didn't get angry, because he was expressing his feelings honestly and that is legitimate; I just wasn't going to accept it. So I answered, "You know that I do care, really. I know you know that. And it's because I care that I want you to keep working well and stay on task. By getting back to this work and completing it quickly, it will take you less effort and less time because it's still fresh in your head. Remember, while you're working on this I'm there beside you, supporting you through it. I'm not getting my stuff done either, because I put it aside to help you. The sooner you finish, the sooner I can get on with what I want to do." We talk about things rather than me laying down the law. He is of an age where he needs to learn to make his own decisions, with guidance. He will argue, negotiate and try to weasel out of responsibilities, until HE can be shown that HE has made the decision to be responsible. I do think that a lot of the argument is just him, trying to analyse the boundaries and explore the scope of what has to be done. Once he's got it worked out, he works well. Sometimes he flips back into, "I really don't want to do this," but I remind him that he agreed to, and try to show him some reward component somewhere, even if it's "When you've finished, I'll make a milkshake for us both as a reward." Good luck in getting husband to pick up the slack. You may be right in the delay factor for husband getting a better response than your immediacy. Also, difficult child is used to you always being there - familiarity breeds contempt. So if husband is getting better results, letting husband handle things is a darn good idea. Just make sure you follow through and don't keep stepping in. But DO ask husband how things went, don't suddenly turn into a carbon copy of how he's been. Show husband by YOUR example, what sort of support you've always wanted. Ask him how it's going, ask him how he feels, encourage him to talk to you about things. It is not only good for your relationship, it's good for consistency with difficult child and, most important of all, if/when husband drops his bundle and hands responsibility back to you, you will already be fully briefed! (Using having to flounder as one more reason to be angry with husband & difficult child for dumping you back into the salt mines is NOT healthy for any of you). Marg [/QUOTE]
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