therapist Finally Heard Me!

[Bunny]

So, difficult child had an appointment with the therapist tonight. This is the first one since I sent him the e-mail last week about how angry I was when I felt that difficult child manipulated the session so that he would not have to talk about his behavior at home.

He asked difficult child about how he behaves towards me at home. Did he always speak to me calmly? Did he ever yell at me and speak to me is a disrespectful manner? Does he lie to me? OMG!! difficult child totally went off the wall. He told the therapist that I was lying to get him into trouble and that he ALWAYS speaks to me the way that he should. He refused to cooperate with either the therapist or myself until I admitted that I was lying about his behavior and apologized to him, and then he stormed out of the room. I looked at the therapist and said to him, "Now do you see what I'm talking about?"

I told the therapist that, for the most part, difficult child's behavior HAS improved since starting the medications over the summer. He has been really good during the week, when the days have more structure to them, but that his problems at this point seem to always fall on the weekends, when there is less structure and he is home more, however there are times when he gets angry and he has these angry outbursts. He will calm down and always apologize to me when he's calm, but getting there can take a while.

therapist said that he would call the psychiatrist and ask him for his opinion. At this point we are not sure if this is behavioral (which is what I think) or if there is something else going on with him. therapist likes the idea that the psychiatrist is not overmedicating him, but we're not sure if there is something else that can help him, or if this is just how difficult child deals with things with people that he is comfortable with.

I have to say that in a way I am glad that difficult child behaved the way he did because I think that therapist thought I was exaggerating about his behavior at home. I have been trying to tell him that even though there has been improvements there are still times when difficult child is very explosive, and even though he has not tried to hit me in a very long time, I still do not trust that he won't do it again, or that he won't take him anger out on easy child and hit him instead.

That is where we stand at this point. I am just glad to have finally been understood. I know I'm not crazy.

Pam

 

[Jena]

lol your not crazy. so, did the therapist suggest you state that you lied even though you didnt' to calm difficult child down?? where did that come from? i'm glad that the therapist saw it, alot of times kids present differently in different places. it's been same with-us for years as well. difficult child will go to grandma's house and besides having a little anxiety will be sweet and polite than at home she's punching doors, kicking beds. like are you kidding me and grandma says i can't imagine her doing that?? yea hello...........

so, the therapist will talk to the pyschiatrist?? wow always been my dream to have team of doctor's who actually talk to eachother after you sit there and sign every release known to man to allow them to!

good for you guys. i hope it helps shed some light onto areas therapist can work with-difficult child on. do you think therapist is aggressive enough for him?

 

[smallworld]

Pam, I'm glad the therapist saw the behavior you're seeing at home. That will definitely help your family get the help you all need.

I'm confused about something you said. What makes you think this is behavior your son can control? If medications have helped him improve somewhat, isn't there a chance more or difference medications will help him improve more? It's been my experience with my own kids that when they're that explosive, medications can really help a lot. Just a thought.

 

[Bunny]

Jena, that has always been my problem with difficult child. He goes out into the world and behaves like he's Mr. Manners and everyone loves him. Then he comes home to me and turns into a little tyrant! The therapist did not suggest that I say that I lied when I didn't, and even though that was what difficult child was demanding I refused to do it. Sorry. Nope. Not going to happen. I'm not the one lying to cover up my actions and behaviors.

Smallworld, I'm not sure what's going on with him. There have been definite improvements on the Celexa and I think that is why the therapist was not understanding me for so long. He was improving and he just assumed that everything was improving, no matter what I tried to tell him. Well, he learned last night that that is not the case. We're going to see what the psychiatrist says about the medications. Personally, I don't know what to think. If he can hold it together at school and them come home and rant and rave at me over the weekends, then I tend to think this is behavioral and is something that he needs to learn how to overcome. I just don't know. When he's good, he's SO good.

Even the therapist said last night that maybe difficult child has come as far as he can with this therapist and that it's time to fine someone who can help him get further. Ugh! The thought of starting off with someone new is so intimidating! And things like that always send difficult child into a tailspin. We'll have to see what happens.

Pam

 

[smallworld]

Pam, that's the point -- it's not necessarily behavioral. My kids are the same way. They bottle up their frustration and anxiety and bad feelings at school and let loose at home where they feel emotionally safe. He's 11. He's still young. I think you're expecting A LOT out of a kid who may be lacking in appropriate coping skills. You first have to simmer down the terrible feelings with medications so he can access therapy and then work WITH him on coping skills.

 

[aeroeng]

My difficult child was the same way. Perfect at school and an exploding monster at home. When I asked his teachers how his behavior was they would look confused, why would I even ask the questions? This is difficult child of course his behavior is fine? Yet at home! horrible! His psychiatrist said that just because he could hold it together at school we should not feel that he was capable to hold it together at home. The pressure builds up inside and he needs to vent. He also stated that he vented for us, because he knew our love was unconditional and he felt more at ease to release it. (nice reward hu?) The psychiatrist also stated that his ability to hold it together at school was a very positive sign and that it would help him to learn to hold it together for the rest of the time.

Since then (last two years) difficult child has improved tremendously. He still gets angry, and he still tries to manipulate us. (particularly is younger brother). But when he gets angry he is more likely to simply go to his room for 15 minutes and then returns and apologies. Two years ago it would have built up until it got violent. Now he is learning to let it go. We are not completely where we want to be with him, but moving in that direction.

Things that helped us get here?
- Learning to control how we responded by using techniques the therapist taught us. (consistent with Green's book)
- Time away from the family with his uncle who has experiences as a foster parent.
- difficult child maturing and growing out of that high level of hormones.
- Frequently separating the kids.
- Getting difficult child interested in a team sport. (burns up all that energy, and he is too tired when he comes home. Does his homework and then falls a sleep. His grades are even better or else he's off the team. We don't have to say anything)
- Putting away all the physical things I care about, so I can respond less. (I'll get them back some day for now difficult child's mental health is more important)
- HD and I support each other even when we think the other is not totally correct.
- Learning how to rest and relax even when all you get is 5 mins in the bathroom.

 

[Josie]

Bunny, I am another one that thinks it is probably not just behavioural. My daughter, A, was always fine at school but explosive, defiant, and violent at home.

We were able to change her brain chemistry with diet, but medications could work, too.

Once my daughter changed her diet, her ODD ways disappeared. I could parent her like a typical parent and get results, not explosions. There is no need for therapy any more.

Back then though, it looked behaviourial. The whole thing made me believe that kids will do well if they can.

 

[aeroeng]

I also believe even ODD kids will do better if they can. For diet, one thing we found that clearly helped was dark chocolate. I mean darker then dark, the 70% coco level. One small piece and difficult child would calm down. I had read it stimulates serotonin production. The main problem with it was it was very short term and lasting less then an hour, but helped with the moment.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im another one who even though I am extremely bipolar and have huge mood swings, if you met me out in public, you would never guess it. I can put on a very "normal public face". I went through almost 10 years with dealing with the mental health community with my kids and none of them ever knew I had a diagnosis until I finally told my son's therapist when he was 15. They saw me "in public", never in my home where I let off steam and my kids and family knew better than to tell anyone what went on at home.

 

[Bunny]

Thanks! Like I said, the therapist is going to talk to the psychiatrist, and then get back to me. Hopefully, we will be able to figure it out. I feel like this is the last piece to the puzzle and then we will be able to deal with his issues more effectively.

Pam

 

[crazymama30]

I can tell you that for the most part my difficult child can hold it together at school, but not at home and really not at the store either. I hope you can get some help