I just couldn't love the two of you more.
Oh Lil. Thank you so much. It is so kind of you to say that. I feel the same way about you and Jabber. As I know would M if he knew you existed. If he knew what I poured out--he would flip.
You guys. I need to vent. My life feels like it is falling apart--I needed a hug right now--and you gave it to me. I am not coping well. Working has put me over the edge. The water got turned off today!! I was sure I paid it, but things are so complicated now. I have 3 water bills, and 8 energy bills and I never was too swift with it but managed to get 820 or more credit. No longer. I think I got a letter from a collection agency and I am afraid to open it.
This horrible doctor who prescribed blood work (I have high cholesterol and a lung nodule and that was written on the order), wrote the wrong medical code and did not want to correct it because of his arrogance and the medical billing knowing it was my fault wants may to pay everything--like $500--when I have medicare and cadillac Blue Cross PP0--I should not have to pay any of it. My mother had the same insurance and had multiple operations and hospital stays and so forth, and ambulances and emergencies and never paid one cent. That is what this insurance is like. And they are trying to dun me.
And I am overwhelmed because of fatigue. Between my son and work I am just not coping. And then there is my mother. I still have so much grief. I am sorry to pour all of this out, but I feel so tired. It is not getting better. The caseloads where I work are double what the quotas are in the rest of the state. I have picked up my pace but it is running all day, 10 hours a day.
M has gotten his stride--he is picking me up and taking me back and forth to work and also working all day!! But he is 7 years younger than I am.
It was very important that the right thing happen--that is to say that we did the right thing. I feel very sure that we did--ultimately--happen what happens. And we will never know, except for the confidence that we did the right thing.
Well, here I go quoting myself again but I really, really believe in this quote.
It is awfully hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes, when there is a conflict of interests and goals. What is the right thing for me right now? I think it is to keep working but I am not sure why I think that. I think because I have always set the bar high. If I had not I would have been a quite average person with a quite unsatisfactory and sad life.
As long as M has to work on the houses and until we get them rented there is really nothing constructive and meaningful that will grab my attention and force me to push and pull myself to raise the bar. And I will fall back into the sadness and low energy where I was after my Mom died. I mean I am better. But am I good? Not really.
I just feel so sorry for myself. The turtle will have to share his thread with me. Thank you people.