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Substance Abuse
They don't get what they put us through....
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 687269" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>When my son was still using, he made similar kinds of threats and accusations. He was blaming and baiting and shockingly cruel in the words he said, in the concepts he expressed, in the things he believed about how he came to be where he was in his life. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening to you and to your son. </p><p></p><p>I believe there will not be a permanent estrangement between you. The dialog you describe is an honest one. That is why I think there will not be a permanent estrangement. However they receive our words, our children do hear us. When they are able to begin reclaiming their lives, our honesty about ourselves and about them gives them a place to plant their feet and remember who they are. It helped me very much to hear this: It is the situation that is bad. Not us. Not our kids.</p><p></p><p>What I can tell you that is sad is that, as the years pass and the missing child is never there, that absence gets to be the norm. Those times when they were not there, or those times we did not talk at all for a time (even when they are living in our houses), cannot be recovered. That time is gone. The good things, the warmth that might have happened, did not happen.</p><p></p><p>Nothing happened.</p><p></p><p>It comes not to hurt as much, that they are missing. Soon enough, it doesn't feel so much like they are missing as it comes to feel like they aren't there. There is a difference between those two concepts that breaks my heart. Our expectations have changed. We have learned to expect that we will accept what comes, instead of to anticipate the good things that are coming. And then, whatever happens, we pick up what's left and go on. And it isn't that we don't think of the one missing. It's just that we accept that they aren't there.</p><p></p><p>When the child is ready to come back, there have been so many changes. Our lives have been lived separately, or as enemies, even.</p><p></p><p>So, a kind of estrangement does happen, but it is not intentional.</p><p></p><p>We are (I think we are) rebuilding those feelings of anticipation with our son, now. It would not surprise me if we lost him again ~ if he turned angry and ugly.</p><p></p><p>But this time, I would know I was going to survive it.</p><p></p><p>That is a sadness, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 687269, member: 17461"] When my son was still using, he made similar kinds of threats and accusations. He was blaming and baiting and shockingly cruel in the words he said, in the concepts he expressed, in the things he believed about how he came to be where he was in his life. I am sorry this is happening to you and to your son. I believe there will not be a permanent estrangement between you. The dialog you describe is an honest one. That is why I think there will not be a permanent estrangement. However they receive our words, our children do hear us. When they are able to begin reclaiming their lives, our honesty about ourselves and about them gives them a place to plant their feet and remember who they are. It helped me very much to hear this: It is the situation that is bad. Not us. Not our kids. What I can tell you that is sad is that, as the years pass and the missing child is never there, that absence gets to be the norm. Those times when they were not there, or those times we did not talk at all for a time (even when they are living in our houses), cannot be recovered. That time is gone. The good things, the warmth that might have happened, did not happen. Nothing happened. It comes not to hurt as much, that they are missing. Soon enough, it doesn't feel so much like they are missing as it comes to feel like they aren't there. There is a difference between those two concepts that breaks my heart. Our expectations have changed. We have learned to expect that we will accept what comes, instead of to anticipate the good things that are coming. And then, whatever happens, we pick up what's left and go on. And it isn't that we don't think of the one missing. It's just that we accept that they aren't there. When the child is ready to come back, there have been so many changes. Our lives have been lived separately, or as enemies, even. So, a kind of estrangement does happen, but it is not intentional. We are (I think we are) rebuilding those feelings of anticipation with our son, now. It would not surprise me if we lost him again ~ if he turned angry and ugly. But this time, I would know I was going to survive it. That is a sadness, too. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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