they kicked matt out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Steely, Jan 17, 2010.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yep. It is finally over. I knew they would end up doing this. I wish I had just acted on what I knew before they pulled the plug.

    Now, I am left with a son who is homeless.

    I have no idea what he is supposed to do, as they have taught him zero life skills.

    I could force him into another program - yet that obviously seems futile since he was not willing to work the first program.

    I am done. I am tired, and exhausted. From now on things just need to be real. He needs real life.

    How do I do this though? Just stick him on the streets? Or pay for a hotel for one month? I need ideas please.

    It would have helped if they let me talk to him for more than once a week for the last 5 months. I have no rapport with him now - no understanding of where he is at and what he wants for his life.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Steely, where is Matt now? Are you in the same town or is he still up there? It doesn't sound like you have talked to him yet- have you? I don't think you can have any idea what to do next until you talk to him to see how he's doing and what he wants to do.

  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Steely, I just read your post to ML. It sounds as if you have answered your own questions.

  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Steely, I'm sorry. It is time for him to have to either step up and make different choices or face the consequences of his choices. You have tried to protect him from those choices. It is not easy to watch our boys struggle, but hopefully from that struggle they will find their place in this world.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Steely this is going to be tough for you. You've spent so much time and effort trying to help Matt. Now it's time for Matt to decide to help Matt. RL lessons can be tough as hades but they are usually the best to get the lessons learned.

    Just a word of caution, when worrying about Matt....remind yourself he cannot live with you. Because in a moment of weakness you're Mom instincts will kick in and you'll be sorely tempted to do just that.

    ((hugs)) I know you're worried. I hope Matt can learn to step up and take charge of his life.
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thank you guys.

    He is in ID and I am AZ. I still have not talked to him. He does not even know yet that he is kicked out.

    Do I just tell him that he needs to go get a job, and give him a month's rent and pray he flaps his wings? Or do I try and convince him to go to another program or a halfway house.

    My only concern about him getting his own place is that he is so used to being around other people, and in a "program", that I am concerned he will self destruct all by himself.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I think you ought to present him with his options and let him make the decision. I think he has to make the choice either way, or he will continue to feel like you are responsible for his success or failure. And you are not.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Right now I'm going through something , not what you're going through, but similar. I can't get inside him and BE him, do what he has to do, or even kep coaxing him. I hand the reigns over. He won't learn if I'm doing it,he won't succeed or grow. I worry, but I can't do it for him. He made a ton of decisions and they were all his- what now?
    The only way for some is the hard way or failure is certain. Is there a mental health issue, of course. I watch from the sidelines wanting to help, trying to put in my 2 cents, but getting nowhere. The healthiest thing for all in the long run is to let the kid do what he has to, see how he got in this position, not something you did, or can , or should be expected to fix. Because they keep expecting more. I'm not well, and I'm not wealthy. I don't have answers, I'm sooo sorry, but I do have a listening ear. HUGS. Alyssa
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    This is exactly what I was thinking. It is his responsibility to make this own choices and live with them. All you can do in the form of 'helping' him is to present him with viable options. Hugs to you - I'm so sorry that it has come to this. Please don't waste your energy on would've, should've or could've, okay?
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AUP has a good point with having to stand on the side lines and just watch. I know that the more I tried to point things out and offer my suggestions and opinions, the more Cory dug his heels in to prove me wrong. Nothing I said had any merit at all. I couldnt be right about a darned thing. He is getting better about this but even now he does this to a degree and I will just shut up and tell him something along the lines of "Fine, I know nothing, I have only lived this long without learning a daggone thing!" Then I leave him alone to do it his way. I am usually right and he learns to listen to
  11. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Steely, what is the program going to do? Are they just going to show him the door, or are they willing to find him someplace to stay? Who is is SSI payee?

    I think you're very insightful to recognize that Matt is probably going to have a hard time living alone. I totally missed that with- thank you. He needs another body present.

    Ideally, if Matt could get into an adult program where they at least minimally supervise him and guide him on getting services, that would be best. There are adult agencies here in Chicago that do that, but it does require compliance on the client's part, which is why thank you isn't in one.

    It really depends on what Matt is willing to do, what he wants to do, on how much you are willing to fight - both for him and probably against him, as well as your tolerance for watching him flounder or worse, not hearing from him at all.

    This first year of thank you's "adulthood", of him not being in a program, has been hands down the most difficult year of our lives. The months of not hearing from him, and then having him show up emaciated and bedbug infested. Sending him back off on his own with groceries and not hearing from him again for weeks. His repeated refusal or inability to access services. His continued delusional thought processes - grand plans and no concept of how to follow thru - and his refusal to accept help. We've run thru every option we could think of, even toyed with the idea of buying a house for him to live in. In thank you's case, it has boiled down to he will do what he will do, without rhyme or reason, and any setting/program/living situation that imposes any kind of expectation at all is going to make him bolt. So we wait (I'm not sure for what).

    On a positive note, thank you is still alive (which is not something we take for granted). He's slowing starting to own his life - after 5 months with- no SSI payee (and thank goodness the SSA required him to have an agency as payee, not an individual), he finally got off his posterior and got a case manager. He's currently living with- girlfriend and her mother, but he's flitted around quite a bit from floor to floor. I wouldn't be surprised if he's spent more than a night or 2 on the streets, but I don't ask questions that I don't want to know the answers to.

    You cannot make the choices for Matt, nor can you force him to make decent choices. You can't (or shouldn't in my humble opinion) protect him from the consequences of his choices. It really is on him now. The only thing you can control, kinda, is the extent to which his choices affect you. This is *Matt's* life now. Unless or until he realizes he needs supports, your options are pretty limited.

    Many gentle hugs to you, Steely. Make sure to take care of yourself now.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    The ed consultant just told me that matt would be in jail within months if I put him in his own apartment. He said he is not capable, ready, or able to be on his own, and he made me feel obligated to find another placement.

    I am now super lost. This program he is in is supposed to just show him the door sometime this week. (They still have not talked personally to me about this, just through the ed cons.) The ed cons only can only think of one other place that will take him.
  13. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Steely, I have to question what the ed con's agenda is here. It's bologna to make such a pronouncement - he/she doesn't have a crystal ball. Honestly, I'm quite irked that he/she would put such a statement out there. It's alarmist, unfair to Matt, extremely unfair to you in my humble opinion. If you had the power to affect Matt's compliance, behavior, and choices, you would have done it by now. At what point does ed con think Matt should take ownership of his own life?

    It's also assuming that Matt will be willing to enter another program, be willing to work the program, and have it not end in a similar fashion. That's a *huge* assumption.

    Sorry - I'm not against the option of another program, but the way he/she presented this to you was, again just in my humble opinion, quite low. It smacks of emotional blackmail to me (if *you* don't do this, Matt will end up in jail because of *your* choice? Since when?). A program for the sake of being in a program (since he/she can only think of one) is really not giving you much of an option, is it. Especially when the only alternative, in this person's *opinion*, is jail.

    I totally *totally* get the need to make sure, to the best of your ability, that Matt is safe. But again, I think that Matt's wishes and willingness/ability to comply need to be taken into consideration here, or else you're going to be tilting at windmills.

    I instinctively distrust anyone who claims to see the future. I don't believe, even with the toughest of difficult children, it's ever an "either/or" situation.
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I had the same reaction as slsh to the ed con's "pronouncement." Extremely unfair. One thing I wondered is that whether he/she is more specialized in consulting for kids under 18, and this is a completely different animal, so to speak. At this point I think you'd be better served by advice from someone more specialized in "adult" children. I don't have a suggestion as to where to find such a person, other than perhaps your local mental health dept.

    Hugs. I know this isn't easy,but I really believe it is not your primary job to find a program for Matt at this point. Don't let anyone lay that guilt trip on you.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Me too about the ed consultant. You haven't clarified this but I'm getting the idea that the ed cons or someone told you that they are going to kick M out- but they haven't actually put him out yet. It's just my 2 cents but I don't think you should find another placement or do anything. What is the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s plan really- have they told you themselves? I mean, have you heard directly from them that they are releasing M in 30-45 days or something like that? Maybe they will present M with his options to choose from. It might be best if they did that instead of you. I would want my son closer to me though, if hee's not in some sort of facility, being at his age and never being on his own before.

    But really, whether he's living on his own or with you or in a group home probably will have no effect on whether or not he ever goes to jail. He's too old for that kind of supervision to have any effect on how he chooses to live his life, in my humble opinion. I tend to think that living on his own with some guidance in areas that he's clueless about (simply because he's never done that before and all young people need this), would be the best thing for him. He will have bumps in the road and have to suffer consequences for mistakes or messing up and probably even have to start over a couple of times- thatt's not an uncommon transition from being a teen to becoming independent.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    What reason did they give for kicking him out? Can they do this? Yes. Can they blame you? Sure, they can do whatever they want to. Do they care? They don't have to. There are enough people out there willing to pay for that bed with funds and they'll tell you they have kids who WANT to work their program. It's the same old same old.

    In your case? It's about s a young man who has a Mom who is inquiring or rocking the boat about his phone calls, or care. In your mind you did what you thought should be done; in their minds you became a thorn. What's done is done. Only problem is now your son has no place to go, and has the reputation in that state will precede Matt for future placements. So why do you have to keep him in placement in THAT state?

    The older they get the harder it is, but surely he's still under 21, and someplace can take him that WILL be helpful.

    The crack about his future also infuriates me. Since when did caseworkers being predicting the future? Nice people there. Maybe they should consider working with 1-900 #'s. They seem to have more of a personality for that.

    Hang in there.
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow. The program just called. They are literally kicking him to the curb today at noon. They are not going to let me talk to him before they do it. I can't fly out of here because of snow. He does not have a phone. We are 1800K miles apart.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    OMG- what brought such drastic action on? This has to be about more than you being a thorn in their side in order for them to handle it this way. Does M know (or will he think to) get to a phone and call you collect?
  19. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What, they'll just push him out and lock the door? What a crock.

    How about placing a call to the local mental health department in the county where this facility is located? Most have a "crisis" line you could call. Perhaps even the police department out there, just so that someone is aware of this place's practices. Heck, I would even place a call to the attorney general's office in that state.
  20. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Steely, contact ID Protection & Advocacy

    I'd also contact DCFS in Idaho, since you are Matt's guardian

    DCFS may not be a huge help give his age, but there's got to be an agency that oversees abuse/neglect of disabled and they should be able to point you in the right direction.

    I'm not sure it's worth the energy to file a complaint against this place, but it absolutely is worth it to make sure that some in the state of ID is aware that Matt is out there and is at-risk, with zero safety net right now due to the .... staff of this place. It is inexcusible.

    This is beyond outrageous. It's abusive and neglectful. Oh hon, I'm so sorry.

    I'd let Residential Treatment Center (RTC) know that they are liable for his safety, still, since they failed to provide proper discharge planning or even allow you and Matt to come up with a plan on how to deal with- this. Discharge with no warning, and not allowing you to speak with him? Uh, no.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010