They sabotage orgainization & routine.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Hanging-On, Nov 27, 2007.

  1. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member


    Everyone has drilled into my head that I must have a routine, be orgainized and transition them from one thing to the next. Well D-it I try. This morning is just a small example of how they sabotage everything I do, which then causes the chaos and the routine, organization and transtions just go out the window.

    This morning, I wake up early have my coffee and start packing their back packs. Then I place the back packs (with their jackets) at the front door. I then place the cat food and my gloves at the door (so I make one trip to the barn, and I don't forget to bring the new cat food). I then wake up difficult child, go dress easy child (while he's sleeping), go back to wake up difficult child. Have their breakfast on the table. Wait for them to come down fully dressed, and start eating. Give them their vit and medications, take mine. Go to take a shower, and tell them to brush their teeth while their done and before I'm out of the shower. So far, so good. Their done brushing their teeth, and I'm drying off. easy child then leaves the room, and within a minute comes back in summer clothes. I then tell him to put back on what I had him in. He leaves, I get dress, difficult child is chasing the cat and NOW the new cat food is a play thing for him. I tell him to to get his jacket on and go to the car, I call easy child. easy child never comes and I have to search for him in this huge house. Finally find him (under the bathroom sink in the summer clothes). I pull him out, re-dress him and take him to the door just to find that ALL the back packs and jackets are gone. I search the house for them, find them, and bring them back. Tell each boy to put them on, and get the car AGAIN. NOW I have to look for my keys, gloves and cat food (which I have now forgotten about). Find the keys and gloves, take my briefcase to the car, start the car and heater, go to the barn to feed horses and cats just to find out that I forgot the cat food. Return to the car, stop the car, open the house door, search for the cat food, find the food, lock the door, go back to the car, start the car, go back to the barn to feed the cats, go back to car and leave.

    This is a typical day. And I'm tired of everyone saying to me that our lives are chaos because I DON'T HAVE ROUTINE, ORGANIZATION, AND TRANSITION, because I do and they come along after me and undue EVERYTHING. :grrr:

    Thanks for the rant.
  2. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    I'm sorry you had such a rough morning can't say it will get any better but we can always hope. Keeping you in my prayers
  3. victorearose

    victorearose New Member

    The best laid plans of mice and Moms ....

    I'm sorry you had a rough morning. I hope the rest of your day goes better.

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sounds like a not-so-fun morning. Sorry to say, but easy child would be going to school in summer clothes and freezing his little rush off for the day. If I was in a good mood, I might pack the warm clothes in his backpack but don't bet on it. Natural consequences can do wonders for getting it across that sometimes mother really does know best.
  5. brandyf

    brandyf New Member

    very sorry for your morning. what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger...right??? :sword:

    you guys are the best. i am cracking up. sounds like me running around, frantic...planning ahead, making lists...replaying it in my mind how i want it to go...double checking everything is in its place,...they always seem to make it just a little bit harder...

    i am learning real quick thats the truth.... "Natural consequences can do wonders for getting it across that sometimes mother really does know best"
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You know what? Meowbunny is right. It's the truth. One or two times to school in summer clothes will be enough for him.

    Or, if you can't stand the thought of it, change the schedule around a bit. Take your shower at night. This way, they will not be out of your sight. No, it is not fair. But if it works, then do it.
  7. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Thanks guys. When I dropped off easy child at his in-home pre-school (he has that in the morning, and then Special Education pre-school in the afternoon), I started telling the care giver and just started crying about how the couselors always rag on me becuase I'm not doing the routine and that THIS flips them out and causes the chaos, and if ONLY I stuck to the routine everything would be fine. These doctors, counselors, BMSP, teachers, other mothers, etc. need to live my life for a month and see what they say afterward. I say a month becuase there's always a honeymoon period. So they need to do my ENTIRE life for a month, and then talk to me.

    I'm so tired of being ragged on by these professionals. easy child's care giver always tells me that she is absolutely amazed by me, and that I'm not in a mental break-down daily. She has taken care of both of them (together) for me sometimes, and she's just amazed that I do it by myself. She's one of 2 people of actually voice this stuff to me, everyone else just points a finger at me and say I'm screwing up somehow somewhere. No one can continue with that type of pressure, and it doesn't make me all warm and fuzzy with these people when I know what they're going to say.

    About leaving easy child in summer clothes, I'm scared to do that. With my luck the school will call DCF on me and I'd have them to deal with to, in addition to all the other professionals in our life. But I have thought about it. I have sent both of them to school in their pj's before.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, that is SO true! I'm going to print that out and show it to my friends who always complain that I'm late.
    They don't have kids.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It's hard to do a routine with one ADHD munchkin, let alone two. Routines are good things but not always possible. I used to set timers. Once the timer went off, an activity stopped, whether done or not. If you were still eating breakfast, you could finish in the car or get a health bar to eat on the drive. If you weren't fully dressed, well, do it in the car. Teeth not brushed? Don't be surprised if someone tells you your breath stinks.

    I doubt CPS is going to worry if your child goes to school on occasion in inappropriate clothing. Maybe if it was in the dead of winter and the windchill factor made it 20 degrees below zero, but not now. He'll be cold but in no danger and that's the big issue -- whether he is in physical danger.

    I used to get up early just so I could have the luxury of a shower without interference or worry. I would be pretty much ready before I got my daughter up, only having to slip my clothes on after breakfast. It was just easier for me.

    One thing that helped when she was younger was she would sleep in her clothes for the next day. It saved tremendous time in the morning and saved a lot of battles. She would choose what to wear. If it was a dress or something she really couldn't sleep in, she'd sleep in her undies, shorts for under the skirt, whatever parts she could sleep in. (Jeans would be unbuttoned but zipped up. Fortunately, her favorite winter clothes were sweats.) That way, it was much quicker and easier to get her ready in the am.

    If she chose clothes that were inappropriate for the season, I would explain why they were wrong (too hot or cold) but she would have the final decision. Some battles just aren't worth having. She would select her breakfast the night before (still does that now) and there would be no changing it -- either eat what you selected or go hungry. She certainly wasn't going to starve to death and if she didn't like her food, I was careful to add extra fruit to her lunch/snack. Basically, I did as much as possible the night before or in the morning before she had to get up. Lunch was the same thing -- she chose her poison out 1 or 2 choices and we would fix it together right before she went to bed. I'd pop it into the fridge and it was quick and easy to grab the next morning to put in her backpack. Actually, a couple of times (when there was enough room), I'd pack her backpack, lunch and all, and toss it into the fridge the night before -- one less thing to do that morning.

    It was much easier to follow a routine when I could run interference than when I had to be away doing my stuff. The more I could do ahead, the easier the mornings became. Well, as easy as a morning can be for two non-morning people.
  10. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member


    The counselors will rag on me for either not doing the routine, or if I'm doing the routine I'm not transitioning them. Either way it's a no win situation for me.
  11. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member


    Everything you've said I have done or I'm still doing it. BUT, I can honestly say that I'm NOT doing it ALL together at the same time. I've done pits and pieces separately of what you wrote. It's funny that you said to dress them the night before so they sleep in their clothes. I've done that, and thought I was so lazy that no one would also do it. Nice to hear I was not alone.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Oh my goodness!! You are be WAY TO HARD ON YOURSELF!

    Yes, a routine is good for some kids. If it is a positive for the family than it is something to work towards. But, sometimes the pressure of creating a routine makes the process a negative for the family.

    First of all, you have far too many morning chores on your list. Can't you do some at night or before the kids are awake?

    Next, lighten up. It does not have to be a Beaver household morning. No pressure. Heck I was always just happy to get out the door on time. Who cared if we were dressed, brushed and washed! LOL!

    Seriously, take a look at the expectations you have on yourself.
  13. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    The other thing is let the providers in your life be aware they aren't helping. Of course you might want to be careful how you address this (as some get touchy). Let them know you are trying. Remind them (as they sometimes also forget) you are a person with feelings (and entitled to them also). Be assertive. Remind them you are seeking help with the kids. You are willing to try (as obviously you are) to do what they recommend but that sometimes even the best laid plans don't work. You do not have to be nagged. If your providers are not working with you they are working against you (you might remind them of that also). Because when it comes down to it, you know your kids and if what they recommend just doesn't work then you all need another plan.

    Don't be so hard on yourself.

  14. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Yeah maybe I'm hard on myself. I always thought that I was doing a dang good for doing 4 people jobs by myself, and we're 5 min to 15 mins late in the morning. My beef is that it seems the professionals out there don't think I'm doing a good job. THAT puts alot of stress and pressure on me, becuase of their grips. Oh and I have told them this. A couple of times I have actually gone postal on them. They even had different meetings with me, because I was so upset with them. So they know that I'm working my bum off and don't appreciate them ragging on me becuase of something. That's why I say they should live my life and then talk to me. I'd like to see them do all of this. Not to toot my horn, but: I work full-time, and have my own clients on the side. I run our horse ranch, which not only includes taking care of animals but also it includes repair and maintance stuff. I'm the designer and architect and general contractor of our ranch (which is still a work in progress). Then I'm the boys only at home care giver, taxi driver, entertainment director, etc., and mommy. So let them do all of that, then we'll talk.

    So let see, to many chores in the morning. I'd love to erase some of them, so any suggestions would be great. The things we have to do before leaving is feed the animals.....just have to. I don't have any stable help to do it, and horses have to be fed in a schedule (there's that "schedule, routine" words again). So they get fed before leaving, and first thing when we get home. OOOh and I forgot all about the dogs. I didn't even mention them in my first post. I did try feeding them in the car, so that breakfast wasn't on the morning list, but then difficult child's teacher wrote me a nasty little letter stating "children can not think on an empty stomach". Oh I was so mad. Both boys eat every morning, and in fact I pack them so much food because they are eating like every 2 hours. The care giver and BMPS who have them after school are just amazed at the amount of food they eat....and they're skinny.........did NOT get that gene from me. I look at food and don't exercise and I gain weight. So, I now make sure they both eat breakfast. Now lunches, and packing their bags. On this subject I have everything ready in the fridge, I just grab and pack the bags. So I think I'm doing all I can there.

    So that leaves us with the boys dressing and brushing their teeth, and my shower and getting ready. I think this is what has to change. I have to shower every morning, because that's the only way I really wake water. So that stays. So I guess I'm going to have to wake up earlier and do me completely before they get up. It's just that I'm tired in the morning, and need all the sleep I can get, so I push the time limit on that.
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Have you got anyone in the area who would trade free riding for helping with the horses? I used to do that at a local stable. Worked well for everyone? I got to ride gratis and I actually enjoyed dropping by in the morning and feeding the horses and then after work to muck out the stables and again feed them. In return, I could "borrow" one of the horses whenever I wanted.

    Now, I'm going to give you a simple piece of advice that is going to be very hard to follow: QUIT WORRYING ABOUT THE "PROFESSIONALS!" They are giving you advice, not orders. If they suggest routine, ask them how they would implement the routine. Try their way and the next time you see them simply state what worked in your household and what didn't. Ditto on suggestions to be consistent. And, yes, I'm willing to be you have basically done this before. Just keep doing it.

    I remember one meeting with my daughter's social worker and therapist. The social worker made a slew of impossible suggestions. When she was done, I looked at her and asked if she honestly expected me to follow them even a little? I told her I would be happy to try if she would be willing to come over and earn my living for me, clean my house, give me some me time and find me some time to breath. She dropped those ideas, came back two months later with a new game plan that was a little more manageable. It took about 4 years but the pros finally came to the conclusion I was doing the best I could with a very difficult little girl and actually started offering me some help rather than hindering me. However, part of the fault did lie with me -- I took their suggestions as orders and would jump through their hoops trying to make them happy rather than doing what I felt worked best for my child and me. When I started listening to my gut and giving valid reasons why things couldn't work as suggested, we became more of a team and I became less fearful that the adoption wouldn't be finalized.
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Be gentle with yourself. Most mornings difficult child doesn't brush his teeth-I can't fight the battle. difficult child has decided he has to wear a pair of jeans two days in a row-I would prefer he would change but am not willing to fight that battle. There have been days when difficult child dresses way off for the weather-I'm with meowbunny they learn very quickly. I have students who also show up in very summery clothing in the winter. Hugs to you-I hope tomorrow morning is a better one.
  17. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member


    Great reply. thanks. I'm going to try and internalize what you said. I've always felt like they are one step away from DCF, and that makes me very nervous and scared about not doing EVERYTHING they say cuz they'll say I'm the problem and take the boys. Probably "way out there thinking", but I can't shake that feeling underneath the surface. Does any one know what I mean about that? I try not to think about it, but when they came every week I just feel like I'm being analysed.

    So new Moto try: Their suggestions, not orders...relax about what they think.

    OH, and we got out in time this morning by easy child and me TOTALLY being neglected. difficult child got ALL the attention and help. I didn't shower, put on yesterdays clothes (I'm off today, that's why). easy child wore pj's to school, didn't brush his teeth, and I bagged everything for him to change over at the in-home pre-school/daycare ladies house. I really wanted to see what could be done, and what drives us over the time limit. And my needs and easy child's needs are what drives us, once again difficult child get's all the energy, attention, help, etc. and we get nothing....this is the way it always is....ALWAYS. So that's why I'm trying to give me and easy child some energy and attention, becuase we deserve it. But the truth is I just don't have the time. Sad, isn't it.

    Oh, I always remembered that I'm a morning person. I wake up, take a shower and coffee, and I'm zipping all over in lightening speed. But at night I'm dragging, and it's hard to do extra stuff. That's why so much is done in the morning.
  18. JustOneMoreTry

    JustOneMoreTry New Member

    Don't beat yourself - you have routine - and it sounds like you are doing very well. You know - at least you have a plan. Anyone with kids knows that plans are guidelines - not rules.

    About counselors - yours is always ragging on the routine - mine was always - Let's start a Reward Program. Just makes me crazy - they just didn't understand a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid - GFGSD did NOT care. - It wasn't about being rewarded - it was about her being in control always-no matter what.

    So now, when we go to a new counselor (school or otherwise) and the first thing out of their mouth is "lets try a reward program" I let them know what I think and if they can't get with MY program - we move on...

  19. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Okay, how much of difficult child's needs can be done in the evening? Can he sleep in his clothes? What happens if you simply give him time limits and when the time is over he goes on to the next task whether previous one is done or not? You and easy child deserve a life as well. Try to find ways to not let him rule the roost. As I said, for my daughter timers worked well. She could argue with me, but she couldn't argue with a beep-beep-beep. I wouldn't say a word, simply reset the timer for the next task and say how much time she had to do X. There was a chart on the wall with pictures showing what was needed to be done. I would simply tick off a task when the time was done, not whether the task was complete or not.

    As to worrying about DCF, yup, and probably with more cause than you because it took 5 years for the adoption to be finalized because the courts were slow to terminate parental rights for my daughter. I had one social worker who would constantly threaten to remove my child if I didn't jump through her hoops. After listening to her for 3 months, I finally reminded her that my child had been in 4 foster homes before coming to me and in each of those the foster parents asked to have her removed because of behavior problems. At least I was getting her to be a little girl instead of an animal on two legs. Amazingly, that shut her up.

    Also remember that the goal of the professionals is to help the family, not disrupt it. It is another thing if DCF is seriously involved -- for some social workers it is frequently easier to remove a child than believe the parents are doing everything humanly possible. So, try to get the pros to work FOR you (not with) you're the boss in this situation. You live with your children. You know what works best for them, for you, for your living standards. When they make unreasonable demands, simply ask them how you should implement them, advise where you see difficulties and ask for their suggestions in those regards. Don't give an automatic no -- that really sets the pros off. I used to say I would try and in fact did try their suggestions and then told them what parts worked and what parts didn't. It went a long way in getting us to be a team.