They took him!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    They took him to jail again. Today the police went to the 15 year olds house that my difficult child has been hanging around. His mother called the police on him because she found pills and pot in his room. Her son said my son gave them to him - he has also been on my property and I havae sent him home many times. I told my difficult child not to hang with him he was too young. It still breaks my heart for him to go to jail. The police officer said we needed to get him help! Duh!!! Not like I havent been trying! What Now?
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Leave him there. Don't bail him out. He can get a public defender.

    Let him feel this, Susan.

  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I feel like this is a rerun. I have taken this so much. I am so tired of having to go through this. I dont know what will happen to him now. I will let him feel this. We didnt bail him out last time even when it was his money. I still hurt for him. I didnt want him to die though.
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    He's not gonna die in jail.

    He may just have his life saved.

    DON'T accept his calls. If you don't listen to him, you won't hear him begging for help. He is better off there right now than anywhere else he can possibly be:

    He cannot get into any more trouble.
    He cannot get drunk or high.
    He has a roof over his head.
    He is getting 3 meals a day.

    Breathe a sigh of relief.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    OK thanks! I just hate to see it over and over again. Thanks for the support. I will need it.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know it's gotta be hard for you to watch him doing this to himself.

    Don't bail him out.

    BBK is right, if it'll be too hard on you don't take his calls. No sense in putting yourself thru that emotional rollercoaster.

    Remember, he's doing this to himself. Hopefully this will get him the help he needs.

    Hang in there. :warrior:
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks. There is always hope. I have never given up. Just pray for his safety. I guess it is better than being free to overdose on the streets! Lesser of two evils!
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    That is what I meant.

    It sounds harsh and cold, but he IS safe there. He does get fed, and there is a roof over is head. He is warm, and he has no access to drugs. It is not the nicest place to be, but probably one of the safest places he can be.

    I know your mommy heart hurts. I am sorry. Try and rest easy. He is safe.

    Revel in the afterglow of your daughter's beautiful wedding (I was moving that day; I am sorry I did not get to comment on it. I am THRILLED that it went so nicely!)
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    When you are ready stands ... sit and compose a letter.

    Reassure him that you love him. But, that you will no longer take part in his drama. Draw the lines in the sand so to speak. What you are willing to do about phone calls, visitation, money in his account, hiring an attorney, etc. And then stick to it. And then reassure him that you love him some more.

    I agree that phone calls would be too painful right now and that you would be easily manipulated since you are in pain. Don't do that to yourself.

    Maybe this is finally the wake up call that your son needs. Maybe this is the wake up call that you all need.

    Many hugs.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Jail also provides him with LOTS of time on his hands to think about his life. It does not mean the thoughts will be all flowers and sunshine but it does mean he is thinking clearly. Not something he does much on the outside while high.

    Leave him there. He is 24. What the heck is he doing with a 15 year old anyway? He should be ashamed of providing drugs to a little kid.
    You should be angry at him, not sad. GET ANGRY! He is where he deserves to be. What would you do if he was getting your 17 year old high?
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think this is a good opportunity for you be able to take a huge step back and look at things with more perspective. It's so much harder when the drama is in your face day in and day out.

    He will never change unless he is forced to accept the consequences of his own actions. And this is a huge one. Let him deal with it. He is an adult.

    Focus your energy on your other children, revel in the fact they can get your attention without his interference. I'm sure they're worn out by all this, as well.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Out of curiosity...what charges did they pick him up on? That may tell you how long they will hold him. He will have a hearing before a judge within 72 hours if not before that to see if they can hold him on these charges and to get bail set and the next court date. At that time he can request a court appointment lawyer. This will either be done in person at the courthouse or by video camera if the jail has a hook up. Amazingly our little county has video

    That is called arraignment.

    If he is only being held on a misdemeanor charge, the bail will probably be fairly low and the bail will keep getting lower the longer he is in jail. He will keep going back to court every few weeks to get a bail reduction hearing until they reduce him down to XXX amount of dollars but he can sign for it himself.

    I hope you can figure out something before he gets out.
  13. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Susan I know puts you in shock but, with time the shock will become relief.

    It was helpful for me to limit the calls I took from my son when he was first arrested. Each call pulled so hard on my heart, it was very difficult to think of anything else other than my son being in jail.

    Time helped, instead of half sleeping at night wondering where he was, I was able to sleep soundly knowing he was safe and sober.

    My son also had to process what was happening to him. He went from begging to be bailed out to accepting responsibility for his actions.

    Jail made a huge difference in his life. He finally woke up and saw what he was doing.

    I know this is hard but I want you to know that you are not alone. My fears, embarrassment and all the other feelings that come when your child is in jail have been replaced with hope for my son's future.

    ...Before my son was arrested, I honestly couldn't see any hope for him to change. The path he was on lead to death.

    This could be the best thing to happen to him. You didn't make the call to the police. The mother of the 15 yr old did. She was protecting her son and your son is being held accountable for his actions.

    Let the process take place, do nothing to lessen the consequences, it may be the one thing that wakes your son up!

    We are here for you.

  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Never thought I would say I'm glad to hear a drug addict is in jail, but I am in this case. Let's face it, he doesn't want rehab. He doesn't want to quit. He likes his highs.

    At least in jail, he's not helping his friends scheme to steal your family's belongings. He's not manipulating you to help him get drugs. He's certainly not helping a 15 YO get and use drugs.

    For now, jail is the best place for him. He's relatively safe, probably not using and not helping minors use. Maybe he'll do some thinking and realize that he needs to change his life.

    by the way, I'd be talking to the mom of the 15YO and thanking her for being concerned enough to put a stop to having your son help hers use. It takes courage to report someone. I'm sure her son is very angry with her and I bet she would appreciate knowing you understand and don't blame her.

    Be strong. We know his tooth is going to hurt. We also know they aren't going to do anything there unless it abscesses and his jaw swells. So, he is going to have to suffer and you are going to have to accept that he will suffer. Bailing him out so he can go to the dentist won't work. Odds are the bail money would have been the dentist's money are pretty good. So, even if he is bailed out, you still won't have the funds to pay to have the tooth removed. BUT you know he'll be safe and not using and that is actually more important right now.

    You can do this. HUGS!!!!
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending some gentle and supportive hugs Susan.
  16. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I'm hoping you will never have to reach the point I'm at, but I am wishing my son was in jail. He is presently awaiting a hearing on a burglary charge and while out on bail (we did not put up bail money) believe he committed another burglary.....If this keeps up he will soon be put away for a long time and may be the best answer at this point. He has served numerous times in prison and it hasn't stopped him from committing more crimes. Don't want to sound hopeless, but maybe your son will change, once his mind clears of the drugs. Just pray that he is in jail long enough to get a clear mind.....
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Leave him there. He is 24. What the heck is he doing with a 15 year old anyway? He should be ashamed of providing drugs to a little kid.
    You should be angry at him, not sad. GET ANGRY! He is where he deserves to be. What would you do if he was getting your 17 year old high? </div></div>

    My thoughts exactly!

  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> What Now?</div></div>

    They will likely release him before trial. Change your locks. Put his belongings on the porch. Don't call PO, dentist, therapist, psychiatrist, etc on his behalf. He's 24 years old. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions.
  19. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    in PA they can hold them up to ten days and then there is a hearing to see if they need to be set free on bail or if they need to continue to hold them until the court date.

    if they offer bail, I know you will not bail him out.

    still, it is heartbreaking to know your son is in jail. you feel for them and you cannot get it off your mind. ((((HUGS)))
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am angry - I told him he would be the one to get in trouble even though the other kid was a willing participant and had provided my son with drugs out of their medicine cabinet many times - also pot. However, my son should have never hung out with him but I guess the drugs tempted him and the kid was willing and they didnt think they would get caught. I am surprised that the mother didnt realize something was weird when her son was hanging out with mine. I have run him off my property so many times!!! My difficult children bail is $5,000 for deliquency of a minor and $5,000 for unlawful treatment of a minor(?) concerning giving drugs to him. It worries me. I believe he needs help like the officer says - every time I have sent information, called people, etc. He never listened to me. If he had he probably wouldnt be where he is now - I tried to get him to see that the last time. I am going to call the probation officer - or maybe my difficult child could request to see him. It is time that he step up to the plate and fight for himself and get help. I am so sorry about all of this so much. I feel so tired.