Things are definitely weird around here!

[SRL]

Thanks for the reply, SRL. Duckie's current retort is "Oh grow up, A!" This is pretty effective with A because she is one of the youngest kids in the grade while Duckie is one of the older kids. It helps that she and I have been practicing social interaction since Duckie was very young. She does the tone and eye-roll perfectly. .

It's sooooo important short term and long term that they have the ability to counter those comments and knock the wind out of their sails. easy child and I finally settled on her countering along the lines of "This is how God made my skin and I'm happy with it so it doesn't matter to me what you think."

I

am concerned, though, that Duckie is at a social disadvantage (so to speak). She does not have play dates every day... she just can't hold it together that well without a little down time thrown in. A, on the other hand, has play dates every single day.

Strange as it may seem, my easy child is also at a social disadvantage, but because she's far more mature than most of her classmates. In a school where there's only two classes of each grade there really are a limited number of friends to gel with. What's she's really wanted and needed was one girl to be that special BFF and The Girl was always targeting whatever friend easy child made for a tug-of-war. During the years that was going on the other girls were pairing off and while my daughter has girlfriends, she never has settled into another social group. The first one was pretty damaging so on one hand I've been relieved, but she isn't exactly deluged with playdates either. The teachers are telling me that JH is usually good for girls like mine because it's so much bigger with so many more friend possibilities.

Bff calls around (she actually has a list) and sets stuff up so that A and her brother have someone to play with. Personally, I think it's nuts and fuels some of A's difficult behavior. She will have an absolute meltdown if her brother has someone to play with and she doesn't. She had a four hour play date yesterday before the birthday party.

One of my boys has a friend who is an incredibly social creature. It's not unusual for him to have days like play soccer all morning, play at friends all afternoon, and go to a sleepover at another's at night. It would exhaust all of my kids...not to mention ME! I always got the feeling mom kind of liked it because it gave her plenty of freed up time.

 

[klmno]

Bff calls around (she actually has a list) and sets stuff up so that A and her brother have someone to play with. Personally, I think it's nuts and fuels some of A's difficult behavior.

It sounds that way to me, too- like the bff is inadvertantly teaching A that her self-esteem should be based on her social life instead of how to go with the flow and that's probably why A acts the way she does.

I'm glad the sleep-over went well and I hope Duckie recouped from the lack of sleep.

 

[tiredmommy]

What's she's really wanted and needed was one girl to be that special BFF and The Girl was always targeting whatever friend easy child made for a tug-of-war.

SRL- I'm really concerned this is happening to Duckie. A doesn't make friends quite as easily as Duckie does... both she pushes Duckie out as soon as she's friends with Duckie's new friend.

One of my boys has a friend who is an incredibly social creature. It's not unusual for him to have days like play soccer all morning, play at friends all afternoon, and go to a sleepover at another's at night. It would exhaust all of my kids...not to mention ME! I always got the feeling mom kind of liked it because it gave her plenty of freed up time.

Truthfully, I think you're right. My bff is a good person and friend but she doesn't really deal with her kids. A has shown signs of being behind academically behind since pre-k and bff always says stuff like "this summer is going to be different" or "I'm going to work with A almost every night". But she never does. I've even offered to help during mock study sessions with both our girls. My favorite is bedtimes... she blames A's meltdowns on her being exhausted but I'll call there at 10:30 on a school night and the kids are still up. I've tried to delicately point out that some of A's issues could very well resolve within a few weeks if she just gave the child a routine and structure. And she agrees with me, but nothing changes.

Klmno- It was wonderful to pick up Duckie and see her happy with her friends yesterday. They all looked happy and exhausted, but in a good way.

 

[tiredmommy]

So another chapter of "How My Head Spins"....

I live in a smallish community, so this may be coincidence but I'm a little freaked out now. Duckie started swim lessons in the spring and has really enjoyed them because she does quite well. So A started lessons this summer... in Duckie's class. Duckie's teacher will offer lessons two days a week in September and A will now take lessons two days a week (this ends up virtually guaranteeing that Duckie & A will have a class together).

Duckie became very good friends with a girl named Z in school. They've both been bullied and have become very close. So of course A must play with Z. Duckie has been thinking about changing Brownie troops since last February because she wants to be in Z's troop. I told Duckie she had to wait to make her final decision until she talked to the new troop leader and to our current leader. I also asked her to wait until after troop pool party to speak to our leader, which was today.

So bff drops off A at our leader's today for the party and says "A might be changing troops this year.". What !!!!! I'm horrified that A will be in Z's troop too.

But here's where I can count my lucky stars. Another Mom called the new troop leader to get her daughter in tonight. The leader told her "Okay! I just added Duckie and your daughter, I'm at my limit and the troop is now closed to new members."

Hallelujah! At least my daughter will have one activity in the school year without A!

 

[trinityroyal]

TM,

When you describe the situation with your bff's daughter A constantly inserting herself into Duckie's activities, this statement leapt out at me...

My bff is a good person and friend but she doesn't really deal with her kids. A has shown signs of being behind academically behind since pre-k and bff always says stuff like "this summer is going to be different" or "I'm going to work with A almost every night". But she never does.

It strikes me that if your bff isn't quite as organized as she should be with regard to her kids, that she's trying to capitalize on your organization with Duckie.

So rather than thinking "A would like to do that", or "That activity would be good for A", and going through the work of thinking and planning, she's just going with the "TM enrolled Duckie in such-and-such, I'll put A in there too" approach. Less work for her from a scheduling perspective, but not so good for Duckie.

I wonder if you could try an experiment...try to limit the amount of information you give bff about Duckie's activities and schedule, and then see what happens with A. If she has no information to go on, perhaps A might end up in fewer of Duckie's activities.

Just a thought...

Trinity

 

[busywend]

Trinity - great idea!

TM - keep us updated if you decide to try this. I think Trinity has something here.

 

[tiredmommy]

This is where being in a small community hurts... I haven't been telling bff what Duckie's up to since last May. But, she can still find out from others. I figure Z mentioned scouts and that Duckie was going to switch troops to A... so now A wants in.

I also tried an experiment yesterday: I told bff that Duckie was interested in horse riding lessons since friends E & E are doing them. We'll see what happens.

 

[Lothlorien]

Do you think A might be getting the feeling that Duckie is avoiding her at all costs and she's trying to get back into her click of friends? If A doesn't, your BFF seems to be setting it in motion.

 

[tiredmommy]

Seriously? I don't know if it's the mother or the daughter, or both. I just know that bff seems driven to ensure that A is popular and has lots of friends. The sad thing is, A had four separate meltdowns at the troop party yesterday and the other girls were looking at her as if she'd grown a second head. Bff really needs to get A's behavior under control before more in the circle start to avoid her. As for Duckie, she still talks to A but doesn't want to be around her when she's mean or having a meltdown. Even an eight year old difficult child knows that A is a brat.