I dont think my son was punishing us. I have come to realized that he has a lot of anxiety. I think he has some social anxiety that I didn't recognize when he was young because he acted out then rather than withdrew.
What you say makes sense to me, TL.
Not too long ago I told my son that over the years, the hard years, that I thought he did not love me anymore. He was appalled. Really felt bad. Said as much:
I cannot believe you thought I didn't love you. It was about me, it was myself I did not love.
Well, how does that make me feel better, that he cannot love himself?
I do tend to take things too personally. Like he does things, on purpose.
Which leads me to the subject I have been thinking about: marijuana and mental illness.
Like your son, my own has long had anxiety. (Except I could never see it. I saw it as ADHD.) And then social anxiety, like your son. Which became body dysmorphic disorder, anxieties about his (very handsome) appearance. His depression centers on this.
We have insisted, of late, that he stop using marijuana around us. Not in the house, not under the influence. He defies us. And he lies. We came to that position because first, he uses so much of his SSI money on it, that he does not have money for food or rent (we do not charge him, but if he had to pay rent, he could not.) And then, he was buying the marijuana illegally, and the use of it, brought bad people to him. When the marijuana wore off, he was depressed and down. He could not see this. We could.
That was when we said no marijuana. And ultimately that and the fact that he was not doing anything that he had committed to, to help himself. M drew a line in the sand: get a drug test. When he did not, M told him to leave.
My son called after a couple of weeks and said he was sorry. He said that he knew he had not fulfilled any of his commitments. He said he had not used marijuana in the past 10 days or so, who knows. He called M first, and then me. Each of us said separately he could come home, that we never wanted him to leave, but that it was about the accountability. That we only wanted FOR HIM. I told him to call M to work out with him, what specifically M needed. He never did.
I can understand he wants to stay where he is for Christmas. They gave him 1 month. He had arrived there cold. They took pity. He is staying with his best friend's step mother, and her 4 adult children, all of them very productive. He admires that.
Where I am going with this is: each of us is coming at this a different way. You letting your son be, hoping that being with family, the unconditional love and support of family, will have an effect.
Me, with conditions. My son will go along with the program. I never do learn. He will pay lip service. And then do what he wants.
And then we have this drama. It kills me, and it cannot help him.
I am wondering if your way might be better. Or not? Marijuana was voted to be legal here, but the mechanisms to sell it have not yet been set up. I think that there is a big distinction between buying and using a product legally and illegally.
But really, what does what I think have to do with anything? I justify my intrusion because he is in my property when he is here.
I am wondering, and this is very painful, if he is doing the best he can. For right now. Just as is your son.
I know that M will go along with what I decide, but I am unsure what to think, what to do. (And as you have always said, this is a deeply personal decision. There are as many right things to do as difficult children, and their parents. Each of us is different.)
Like you do, I think the instability of our son's situations did not help them. While some young adults pull it together, my son did not. He is better than 4 or 5 years ago, I do not deny that, but like your own son, he has mental illness symptoms and he self-medicates.
My son has worked for us, but for nobody else, except helping.
I do think he is motivated to get his life together I just dont know if he can do it without more help around his substance use.
My son went to residential treatment for 2 months. Dual diagnosis programs. I pushed him to go. And as soon as he got out he resumed use.
In conclusion, each of us is dealing with a variation on the same theme, and approaching it differently. With the same result. Except with an important difference: your son is safe and stable with you.
I was listening to a program about homeless mentally ill, substance abusers. The single most important thing to help them, use less and manage their symptoms, and have quality of life, was, you guessed it: stable housing.
M thought, 5 years ago, that putting my son out would motivate him to sink or swim. It did not work. He found other people to depend upon, got SSI and then when he ran out of people to depend on went homeless off and on. At that point his aggression made him intolerable for me to live with.
Whether it was this experience, of needing to temper his behavior or whether it was actually improvement or maturation, I am uncertain. He will say, "I am better, Mom. My moods are better. I feel more optimistic."
But this has not translated yet into tangible results or choices beyond wanting to be comfortable with us.
TL. You were checking in, not asking to read a dissertation from me. But honestly, I am no clearer now, really, than when I began here on CD more than 18 months ago.
My son is better. I am better. But both of us, each of us, is still struggling. In some ways I think I know less, not more.
I am wondering if I need to accept him as he is, to stop pushing, making him try, and just leaving him be. With the only expectation that he work full time with M. That is a lot in itself. A year ago I would have been happy with that.
What a way to spend Christmas Eve. M is at the hospital with his father who needs surgery on his arteries. He is old. M has been with him most days and most nights for the past 4 days. So I am alone.
Watching John Wayne movies, until not even that could keep my attention away from the fact that my son has not called and I miss him.
Thank you, TL. Merry Christmas everybody.
Thank you, all.
