Things are tough

[toughlovin]

Not sure if I should post this in the PE forum or the SA forum so maybe I will just post it to both. As many of you know my 25 year old son is now living at home. We kicked him out when he was 18 and he has been in many programs, lived on the streets and then skipped town to avoid some warrants go this arrest. He recently decided to come back, turn himself in, do whatever time they required and try to get his life together. Our younger daughter is now in college and not living at home so we decided to give him support and let hm come home after he did his 2 months in jail. We felt that at this point we need to give him some support.

And we have gotten lots of support over the years from here but also from a great alanon meeting. I have gotten clear that at this point he needs to figure things out and as long as he is respectful etc. he can stay here.

Well can I just say this is tough. He is drinking some. He is mostly being respectful and ok. But man oh man I dont really like him living here. Mostly it is the annoyances. And it is that I am now confronted by how he is doing and his depression and his mood. When he is drinking he hides in his room so it is not like I am dealing with that directly... but I worry about him. I am thinking about him. I am wondering how I can help him. It is hard to stay detached from the outcome and from his problems when I see them happening. I feel sad for him.

I dont know what if anything I can do. I need to keep taking care of myself and doing things I like but it is oh so much harder when he is under my roof.

TL

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Tough.

But man oh man I dont really like him living here. Mostly it is the annoyances. And it is that I am now confronted by how he is doing and his depression and his mood.[/QUOTE
I'm sure you knew that you weren't going to love this, but you felt you would give him a chance. That's admirable. I so get what you mean, it's hard to see with your own eyes who they really are....and yet, which of us would want to be observed every minute for "how were doing?" That being said, with his history and depression, the alcohol is a concern...and it's now "right in your face". ugh.

but I worry about him. I am thinking about him. I am wondering how I can help him. It is hard to stay detached from the outcome and from his problems when I see them happening. I feel sad for him.

Hubs and I have come to so realize with this son, that we were blessed to not know what the others were doing when they were away at college and after.
It's just easier to not know. It helps so much with allowing them to become responsible for their own outcomes. Two of our children are also adopted.
I know the pain of having our son at home. When he didn't come home, I wondered. When he was home, I wondered. It's such an easy slide into sadness to have the situation on your doorstep. I have no advice but I get it. You have tried your hardest, here's hoping he is also. Prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so sorry, tough l. There is really nothing you can do to stop him which is why many of us choose not to live with our adult children. While under our roof, it is hard not to fall into the role of mother/ young child.

If you still want him to live with you, you really have no choice but to let go of his behavior and just not pay his bills..

At least he is respectful. The disrespect is often the worst part.

Hugs and peace!

 

[mof]

Tough loving...We are kind of there.

Our son returned home...and I don't really like living with him either. There is a fine one for me in enabling as in doing things a mother does for a child...and letting him grow.

He works full-time...but needs our help getting work...has to earn a car. He does not go out otherwise. He does help out with his teen brothers, and is respectful and generally th o rightful.

But his moods can alter...he does take medications, and his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can drive u a little nuts...so I feel like it's me!

I so get the worry...and shouldn't we be free of that...they are here for goodness sake.

Your not alone...finding joy....don't stop.

 

[RN0441]

TL

Agree. If they are drinking in their room that is not normal and does not make you feel good. Even when my son was home and not abusing pills, when he did stuff like that I was always upset.

We are going to Florida Friday to spend Christmas with our son. He texted me the other day about his gifts. He is not a child, he is 21. He wants a PS4. No. That is not something we're willing to buy for him. We did buy him prescription sunglasses a few weeks ago which I am okay with and will get him a few other items he NEEDS but I reminded him that we have a lot of money going out not only for him but in general. I told him we're his present! The holidays are about family, not gifts.

He then said he could come back home to live and it wouldn't cost us anything. I replied "the stress will kill me and I'm not ready to die". Sounds pretty dramatic but it's true. He doesn't push and let it go. Nice try!

TL it sounds like your son has one foot over the fence. That is sometimes how I describe my son too. He is trying to do the right thing but still gets pulled back into old behaviors that are not healthy. I probably would not allow him to drink in his room. If you are uncomfortable with it then why should you allow it? You are HELPING him and supportive of him by him being there which I understand but at 25 he really needs to put his nose to the grindstone and make a life for himself.

I know it's all so very hard and having them home puts you in the parenting role again.

 

[WannabeAgoodFather]

I think we all are here for very same reasons..

- We all love our children. Unconditional love
- We are here to help our children to get on their feet to do the right thing to become a respectable members of society
- We have been all hurt
- We are going through tough periods
- We share our pains and support each other to make things easier and make things happen

Just to name a few through my very short experience on this forum.
I just received 2 books. "When your adult child breaks your heart" "Setting Boundaries with your adult children"
Instead of bringing them home, I will go through them in my office to see if they are good to share with my wife.

All members, let us be tough and remember we have friends here although we have never met in person.

Let us believe tomorrow will be better than today... That is what we need to hang onto.....

Brian

 

[WannabeAgoodFather]

Regarding PS4. I wouldn't buy it as a present. My previous experience to my stepson who is 22 now, he has sold 4+ ipods, ipads and even MacBook's... Last time he came back during the school break, mother gave him her own MacBook but was gone in few weeks... Anything that can be converted to money, do not do it. Of course, I went through numerous Nintendo's and PS's... He bought his own PS4 this year but was gone after a month or so.. I lock up everything. Thank God he doesn't come into our room (So far I do not think), but will take anything that can converted to money. Watches and all other things, I do not buy for him anymore. My wife secretly bought a foam thing you put on top of your mattress the other day. She never told me but I found out in her text and saw it in his room.

 

[RN0441]

Hopefully son won't sell the foam mattress pad!! Don't think there is a big market for that (LOL). We have been through that selling of things that either were or weren't son's to sell so I get it.

My son works now so he can buy it for himself if he wants it bad enough and then sell it. We don't care. He is out of our house and learning how to adult and it's a long process. I feel we have a solution for us right now that works and we are all doing better than we were. We are seeing some changes but they are slow. We are moving in the right direction but it is slow.

We are all better and our marriage is better and for that, I am thankful. No one asks for this and it's not an easy road and not one any of us would choose.

 

[Nancy]

TL I have been there. Last January my daughter left her boyfriend (thank goodness) and moved back home. While I was glad she felt comfortable enough to move back with us and we promised to help her as long as she followed the rules, it was not long before I was longing for the days when she was on her own. She was drinking some, ok more than some, enough to make me worried, but she was going to work every day and respectful to us. But I worried day and night. We are too old to stay up all night wondering where she is and if she is driving after drinking. I found myself worrying all the time.

The deal was she would stay until summer and save enough to get a decent apartment and be able to buy some furniture. She wasn't saving much, spending it all partying, even though she was giving us $500 a month to keep for her. We started getting into small arguments. I was taking care of her dog so she could go out after work and ont he weekends. It came to a head and she announced she was moving out in April. She moved into a rental home next door to a co-worker who owned both homes. I grew up in that neighborhood years ago. It's a terrible neighborhood now with run down homes and shootings and carjackings all the time, lots of illegal activity. The house had no appliances. She had nothing except her bedroom set. I knew she was leaving because she didn't want to be under our thumb anymore. Although my husband and I hated where she was moving we were relieved to have our house alone again.

Once they leave it is very difficult to have them back home again. I learned that her personality did not change and she was still going to do the same things I didn't approve of before. It's much better with her on her own again. The worry is different, it isn't every day under my nose, it's more of a general worry. We get along much better now.

Your son needs to get a job and move on his own. That is the only way you will feel in control again.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Nancy. Yes he does need to get a job and move out. That is what we all want I think. He did get a job but it turned out to be a really bad fit for him.... it was.a delivery job driving all over the city in tough places to drive. It was very stressful and he called me and said he couldn't do it. I told him to be true to himself and to be honest. So he talked to them and was honest and I think handled it honorably. I do think he wants to get a job... he has had the experience of feeling good about working before and of course he would like the income. He was waiting to be off parole because he was wearing a bracelet and had a curfew that complicated things... but he got off parole on Monday so now we will see how the job hunt goes. It will be much better for all of us if he is working and can move out again.