Think I just lost my best friend because of our difficult children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by FlowerGarden, Jan 23, 2012.

  1. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I am so hurting right now. My best friend has a difficult child that used to be best friends with my difficult child when they were little. Her difficult child was drunk last night and saw my difficult child in someone's car in a parking lot. He got into the back where difficult child was sitting and grabbed him by the neck going off on him about being a drug addict and how much better he was than my difficult child. He threatened to kill my difficult child because he says difficult child said something bad about his mom. My difficult child is no angel but he loves this woman and I can't see him saying anything bad about her. My difficult child tells me what he said is, "so & so, I know your mom raised you better than this". When this started happening, the driver of the car my difficult child was in, got out of the car and went to talk to whoever was in the car so & so came out of. Once so & so went into the store after threatening to beat them up in the store, the driver came back to his car. He was too afraid to go into the store. So, they left.

    difficult child started getting text messages from so&so that he was going to kill him and how he is better than him. difficult child showed me his text messages and the text messages he sent in response. My difficult child kept his cool. He kept telling him that they would talk when so & so was sober. So & so even left a voicemail about wanting to kill difficult child.

    difficult child asked me to contact so & so's mom, my best friend, to tell her that he grabbed him by the neck and threatened him. I sent her a text because I was too upset and was afraid I would say something I shouldn't. I am not good with talking on the phone. I told her that he grabbed my difficult child by the neck, had the other guy terrified of him, and that he told my difficult child about what I said in confidence to her about my difficult child one other day. I shouldn't have added the last part in the text, I admit I was wrong on that part, I really just wanted her to know her son became violent last night. This difficult child just got arrested for drugs in his car and on his person a few weeks ago.

    She sent a text back to me that she is not getting involved and that my difficult child said bad things about her and she is unhappy with that, but she wanted to stay out of it. I text her back that I just wanted to let her know that he became violent last night and that I agree with staying out of it. The guys have to work it out themselves.

    I doubled check with difficult child if anyone had seen him grab his neck. He called the driver of the car he was in and asked in front of me if he saw it happen. The guy said not only did he grab my difficult child by the neck but grabbed him by the neck also. My difficult child did not see that. It happened when the driver was out of the car & not in view of my son.

    Well, after my text to her, her difficult child sent a text to mine that made mine want to go to the police to press charges for him grabbing his neck. Not sure what was in the text. difficult child said all of a sudden so & so changed his tune and apologized that he got caught up in the moment last night. My difficult child asked him to tell his mother that he did not say anything bad about her. So & so said he did but I doubt that.

    I truly believe he didn't tell his mom that my difficult child didn't say anything bad about her. I think he is just telling my difficult child whatever he thinks he wants to hear so he doesn't get charges pressed against him. I feel she is never going to know the real truth. At least my difficult child showed me the texts and had me listen to the voicemail. He was hurt with what so & so did and said. I know her difficult child would not show her the messages because of all the threats to kill my difficult child. I feel she will never know the truth and hold it against my difficult child, thinking her difficult child was defending her honor. I think this is always going to be a wedge between me and my friend. I am so upset.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I would be heartbroken. sounds like her difficult child has some serious drinking issues (and other??) and she is really not ready to accept. But I have had weird friend things happen and it really hurt...only twice ever in my life but they were so weird and hurtful.... And they were really good friends. I can't imagine if it was a bestie. that would be like it happening with a sister.

    Only thing you can do is sit back and hope he will be ok. your friend now has to make the next move I think... what do you think???? Can you let some time go by to cool off???
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am sorry you are going through this....and I hope somehow your friendship is strong enough to weather this.

    In some ways I think she is right she wants to stay out of the conflict between your two difficult children. You are both hearing different stories from your difficult children and each of your inclination is to believe your sons. My guess is both boys are not telling each of you the whole truth.... and you are both inclined to protect your difficult children.

    It seems like there are two choices here... 1) is to agree to accept that your sons are both somehow at fault and not telling the whole truth and let it go and just continue your friendship. 2) That you get together and both let each other know what you are both hearing, with a very open mind, without either of you blaming the other boy. I think this can be very very tricky.

    My guess is she knows her son is capable of violence but didn't want to hear about it from you, even if you called her with the best of intentions.

    She may be really sad and uncomfortable too... I think if it was me I would call her and tell her you really care about her and don't want to lose her friendship just because your difficult children can't get along right now... and then go from there.

    Good luck.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It's awful that both you mom's have been placed in the middle of this between the kids. I'd wait a few days to let things calm down and maybe then.....suggest coffee and a truce with your friend, and make some ground rules concerning the difficult children, as in they keep you out of their junk whatever that might happen to be......and you two would have to draw the line when they come to you and tell them you don't want to know about it. Not easy to do, but it is doable.

    You've got a he said, he said sort of situation here. Yeah, I know he showed you some stuff ect, but her difficult child may have the same sort of stuff who knows? But something is going on that you've NOT been told as a once childhood friend just doesn't come up out of the blue and grab you by the neck and threaten you one night as he passes by. Know what I mean??

    A good friend of mine had a daughter that was best friends with Nichole. She'd sleep over, come over all the time. Years this went on. This girl is a difficult child, not in a bad way.......she's socially slow and a bit intellectually slow. Well puberty hit and she was having crushes on every male within a 50 mile radius, problem was she had no clue how to conduct herself properly. She had a major crush with the boy across the street who had a rather bad rep with the girls, as in taking advantage ect. When I caught her all over the boy I called my friend. Next thing I know friend and her husband at the time are bawling me out because I'm supposedly calling her a tramp?? uh no, I'm trying to keep the girl from being raped! Destroyed the friendship. Not because I wanted it to either. I'm still friendly with the mom, but we've never been more than distant since........still very friendly with the girl.

    You never know how another parent is going to react if they go into protection mode.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We had something similar go on with my son but he ended up stealing from the parents and what made it worse was these people were Tony's cousins, which make them however related to Cory and the kids were Jamies best friends. I mean the adults were Tony's cousins so the kids were second cousins or whatever but they were also Jamie's best friends and originally they included Cory in that friendship but obviously no more.

    We got woke up one morning to a 6 am phone call from them telling us that Cory had stolen the wife's earrings and we went ballistic on him and he kept denying it while the whole time wearing one! What killed me was they wouldnt press charges even though we begged them to do so and told them we wouldnt be mad at all. I guess they thought we were strange or something.

    Anyway, Tony has kept up a somewhat cordial relationship with his family though not as close as it once was but then again they werent very close to begin with. Jamie lost tough with his friends on a BFF basis when he moved away though he always makes an effort to see them when he comes home on leave. They make no effort to go up to see him though even though he has extended the invitation.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    My difficult child had a very nice girlfriend in high school. Her mom and I became friends. They were really good to my difficult child. Their daughter was not a difficult child but went for the "bad boys". Anyway my son stole money from her and I will never forget the day her mom called and told me. We were both crying over the phone. In this case though I knew my son was at fault and doing all sorts of difficult child and drug related things. We remained friends for a while.... and still are friendly. I know she cares about me and is supportive of me.... however things got bad enough, my son did enough bad stuff that they had had it with him. I don't blame them at all but no matter what he is still my son and I love him (although often don't like him a whole lot).... and it just became impossible to remain close friends.

    I think in this case though it was easier to let go of the friendship because we became friends because of the kids.... it was not a long term friendship predating the kids.

  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry. As best as you can, I think I would either not say a word about the incident to the other mom or really limit discussions.
    Be honest with her about your relationship with her and how much you value it.
    Look at what you said : "I think this is always going to be a wedge between me and my friend."
    You might say to her: "I do not want this to become a wedge between you and I. You are my friend and I greatly value our friendship. Can we put this aside?"
    PERHAPS, maybe, not the DISTANT future (if you still think its important), you can tell her that you don't think your son said anything bad about her, but you might want to acknolwedge that it is a small possibility. Generally speaking though, I would let it go.
    Having a bond with another woman who understands what it is like to have a difficult child is a very powerful thing.
    Chose your battles.
  8. Bean

    Bean Member

    This is very true, difficult child or not. It's similar to the boyfriend who is cheating on the girlfriend (who is your friend) and you tell her and she gets mad at you instead of him. Hopefully time will heal things for you two. It is good to have the support of a friend; I can understand why you'd be hurting.
  9. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. I barely slept last night. I often think of her as a sister. I would do anything for her and her family. I think I will wait a week or two and suggest going out for breakfast or lunch together. This will give us some time for the adrenalin rush from our difficult children actions to cool down and hopefully we will have a bunch of tales to tell each other about our jobs, etc. So grateful to have all of you to turn to.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope that if you have been friends a long time then you can move past this in time. It really sounds like more was going on. I also wonder if she is just in crisis mode and not ready to accept the reality and/or extent of the addiction of her child and what addiction can do to you.

    I do NOT agree that someone on drugs can't just walk by and decide to choke you for no reason at all. I have seen my brother go from find to psychotic/homicidal/abusive in 2 seconds for NO reason other than he "knew" what you were thinking. His aspie traits mean he is ALWAYS wrong about what he thinks that you are thinking. ALWAYS. He also if unmovable and if he decides what you are thinking/feeling then he is right and reality has no impact on anything. He does this with EVERYONE, not just family. I have seen him go and hit a total stranger because he was drunk/stoned and that person was "telling lies about him" or "wanting to hurt him" or "looking at him funny" when in reality that person didn't know he existed, wasn't looking at him, didn't want to hurt him or talk to him or breathe on him or anything else and never ever spoke about him or thought about him. Gfgbro just walked up to a total stranger and attacked when that stranger didn't even know gfgbro was on the planet.

    It is worse if gfgbro knows you too. So this kid COULD have just gone off due to his intoxicated state, but it does seem unlikely.

    You and your friend have to decide if your friendship is about your kids or this problem or if you can move on from this. It may take time, but it can improve from here. Be patient, understand that she probably doesn't understand the hold addiction has on her child or yours, and try to find other common ground and not talk about it. If you have been close for a long time then hopefully you can move on past this.

    I know it hurts now though. (((((hugs)))))