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Thinking about the collateral damage
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 633436" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That is how I felt, too. I was afraid I would damage my son in the same way I must have damaged my daughter.</p><p></p><p>I can remember being so proud of him, Alby, so pleased with the man I was watching him become.</p><p></p><p>But I was afraid I would damage him as I must somehow have damaged my daughter. I stopped advising him. I would not even advise him on clothing for school. I stopped laughing or joking with him.</p><p></p><p>And humor had been such a big part of our family before the...before what happened to all of us.</p><p></p><p>His father stepped in, of course.</p><p></p><p>He did the things a strong, loving father can do.</p><p></p><p>But a father is not a mother.</p><p></p><p>And I was trapped in this hellish, echoing place where I didn't know what I had done to my daughter but was determined not to do to my bright, funny, beautiful son.</p><p></p><p>You all know what happened. </p><p></p><p>To this day, and our son is 38 now, that theme of abandonment, the pain of not being enough, of not being able to help or protect or change anything about what was suddenly happening to all of us as difficult child daughter spiraled into the heart of the nightmare that would come to dominate all of our lives fuels a rage that is destroying whatever shaky recovery process our family has floundered through.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, here is a miracle.</p><p></p><p>It happened today, and this post and my response, followed by Alby's and then my own, enabled me to see what the core of the pain is, for my son.</p><p></p><p>Here is the second part of the miracle whose fruition will be the healing of the underpinnings of the breach between our son and ourselves. husband just had a birthday. Our son called. (This after some six months of no contact. ) </p><p></p><p>He neither asked about nor asked to talk to, me.</p><p></p><p>So, last night, husband and I went to a party. </p><p></p><p>I had too much wine.</p><p></p><p>We were checking the phone to see who'd called, and I saw son's number. Not realizing it was from husband's birthday call, I called my son.</p><p></p><p>He didn't answer of course.</p><p></p><p>But he called back today.</p><p></p><p>He had been so much on my mind because of this thread on collateral damage.</p><p></p><p>During the course of our conversation, I asked point blank for his address so I could send the kids' birthday cards.</p><p></p><p>BOOM</p><p></p><p>Anger, an "It's too late. These kids are in school, now."</p><p></p><p>He asked whether I wanted to know why he feels about me the way he does. </p><p></p><p>Then, he said the strangest thing.</p><p></p><p>He said he knew how I had been with his sister's children. And in the most bitter voice, he accused me of not having been there in that same way for his.</p><p></p><p>Then, he sang a little riff of "Why have you forsaken me?", and. ..laughed a sad, self-deprecating laugh.</p><p></p><p>I became a little defensive.</p><p></p><p>And then, I just listened.</p><p></p><p>He feels such rage around the issue of my relationship to his children.</p><p></p><p>And that fits right in with where his rage at me always comes flaming out.</p><p></p><p>So, I just listened some more.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 633436, member: 17461"] That is how I felt, too. I was afraid I would damage my son in the same way I must have damaged my daughter. I can remember being so proud of him, Alby, so pleased with the man I was watching him become. But I was afraid I would damage him as I must somehow have damaged my daughter. I stopped advising him. I would not even advise him on clothing for school. I stopped laughing or joking with him. And humor had been such a big part of our family before the...before what happened to all of us. His father stepped in, of course. He did the things a strong, loving father can do. But a father is not a mother. And I was trapped in this hellish, echoing place where I didn't know what I had done to my daughter but was determined not to do to my bright, funny, beautiful son. You all know what happened. To this day, and our son is 38 now, that theme of abandonment, the pain of not being enough, of not being able to help or protect or change anything about what was suddenly happening to all of us as difficult child daughter spiraled into the heart of the nightmare that would come to dominate all of our lives fuels a rage that is destroying whatever shaky recovery process our family has floundered through. *** So, here is a miracle. It happened today, and this post and my response, followed by Alby's and then my own, enabled me to see what the core of the pain is, for my son. Here is the second part of the miracle whose fruition will be the healing of the underpinnings of the breach between our son and ourselves. husband just had a birthday. Our son called. (This after some six months of no contact. ) He neither asked about nor asked to talk to, me. So, last night, husband and I went to a party. I had too much wine. We were checking the phone to see who'd called, and I saw son's number. Not realizing it was from husband's birthday call, I called my son. He didn't answer of course. But he called back today. He had been so much on my mind because of this thread on collateral damage. During the course of our conversation, I asked point blank for his address so I could send the kids' birthday cards. BOOM Anger, an "It's too late. These kids are in school, now." He asked whether I wanted to know why he feels about me the way he does. Then, he said the strangest thing. He said he knew how I had been with his sister's children. And in the most bitter voice, he accused me of not having been there in that same way for his. Then, he sang a little riff of "Why have you forsaken me?", and. ..laughed a sad, self-deprecating laugh. I became a little defensive. And then, I just listened. He feels such rage around the issue of my relationship to his children. And that fits right in with where his rage at me always comes flaming out. So, I just listened some more. [/QUOTE]
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Thinking about the collateral damage
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