Thinking of turning son over to state

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 5girls2boys, Jan 5, 2011.

  1. 5girls2boys

    5girls2boys Guest

    I am new to the forum. My husband and I do not know what to do. We adopted our son two and half years ago and was told he had no problems. The child has been since diagnosed with odd, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), bipolar axis two and anti social personality disorder with suicidal and homicidal tendencies. He has threatened to kill us all and threatened to rape our 16 year old daughter. We found out that dfacs new he was bipolar and that he has killed close to 50 animals. He refuses to bathe and poops and pees all over his room. He is on limictil, risperdal, wellbutrin, and trazodone. He has been arrested numerous times and spent one month in ydc. he hit me the other day and then threatened to kill us all again so we pressed charges and they put him on house arrest, which makes no sense since it is the people in the house he is threatening. he 1s 13 years old and completeley out of control. we are thinking of giving him back to the state but not really sure if that would not make him worse. dont really know what to do, but we fear him.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am going to move this over to General so look for it there.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would certainly be all for that since you have another child in the house and he is threatening your lives. I really truly believe you & your family can not help him in the way he needs to be helped anyway. In fact, you might be doing the most loving & parent-like thing by turning him back over to the state.

    He really needs to be in a treatment facility. A family setting is not for him.

  4. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Hi 5girls2boys. I'm so very sorry that you had to find us. You're with friends here. We've had some parents who the state didn't fully disclose to and the host of life-changing problems that can arise from such a situation for all involved.

    Your primary concern at this point must be for the welfare of your family, and obviously if it's this extreme an immediate out-of-home placement is in order. Have you met with someone in your state to discuss options? We've had families who have had to release children back to the state and sever all ties. We've also had several that have used permanent therapueutic foster care or residential placement, sometimes remaining involved and at other times minimal involvement. I know any option doesn't sound good, but when a child is a severe threat to the safety of the family--and from your description it sure is the case, you simply have to put your family first. Sometimes such a child will actually do better in a more restricted environment than in a home environment. I'd suggest finding an immediate temporary out of home placement so you have some time and space to make the bigger decisions that need to be made.

    I'm sorry that it's come to this. I can imagine how damaging to your family and your hearts this has been.
  5. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    No advice here except that I agree with the others. You have to think of your own safety and that of your family's. My thoughts are with you.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I adopted a child just like that. Get him OUT of your house before he does rape your daughter. This child we adopted raped my daughter and son and they were ashamed to tell us. He also killed two of our dogs (we didn't suspect it was him until the second dog...then it ALL came out). We adopted him at 11 and he was gone at 13. We did not maintain contact. He was diagnosed with Condust Disorder/Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. There are kids you can't save. Don't take any chances.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so so sorry. I do know the fear of your own child. My oldest is now a great person but was very very violent as a child/young teen. I was pretty sure he was going to end up in jail for hurting/killing someone and am thrilled that this is not the path he has chosen.

    I do NOT think that your son can or will change. My son did NOT have the problems yours does, and did not have the history of animal abuse. I am sure your son got a bad hand genetically from his birth parents and he was abused by them. This is NOT your fault and at this point not something you can hlep him with.

    As you have other children, you need to INSIST that the case worker find an IMMEDIATE out of home placement for him. do NOT agree to take him home with you, regardless of what they say. He is a clear danger to others, hence the threats to kill/rape and as a RESPONSIBLE PARENT you cannot expose your other children to this OR allow him to be in a situation where this is possible. Therefore the state must place him somewhere so that he cannot hurt anyone.

    IF you cannot get this done TODAY, make SURE your daughter has both pepper spray AND an alarm with her at ALL TIMES, ESPECIALLY AT HOME. The other kids may be too young to handle pepper spray with-o getting hurt, but they can also have personal alarms that will bring you running. THey are not terribly expensive and you can find them at radio shack, walmart, etc... Check the sporting goods and the home improvement areas. Also check where they sell keychains. Contact the court to have your daughter and other children file for restraining and/or protective orders against your violent child. It will likely force the courts to put him in a placement out of the home, or force DHS to do it.

    You may have to have your other children sleep in a room with you and/or your husband. Maybe the other boys with husband in one room and you with the girls in another, with your difficult child in his own area.

    ALL of the family NEEDS to be in intense therapy NOW. Once the kids are safe and are positive that this boy will NOT come back, you are going to learn about a LOT LOT LOT of TERRIBLE things he has done. To, with, for the other kids. It would be very very rare if he has not already abused them in some ways. They likely have not told you because he has threatened them and they are sure that he WILL follow through (which he likely will - do NOT think he won't do what he says. You cannot afford to do that.)

    I am so sorry to sound so negative. Your son most likely has Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)). If you haven't heard of it, there are a lot of good books on the subject. There is treatment, but improvement is incredibly hard to bring about. With other kids in the home, having your difficult child lvie with you just isn't safe. Make sure the other kids know that they will NOT get into trouble if they have to stop him from hurting them, and that he has NO RIGHT to abuse them.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just call CPS. They will take him. They did that for us. Then this child was taken to a sort of kid jail for young sexual predators. When CPS heard what he did, we had no problem getting him out of the house. We got a lot of sympathy in fact.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, that is so heartbreaking.
    First of all, if you can prove that the state lied to you, I would sue them for damages. Name the individuals responsible.
    And yes, it does sound like you will have to dissolve the adoption.
    I hope your daughter has a lock on her door and carries the key with her.
    I hope your son has not killed any of your pets.
    When you send him back, tell the state that he should not be with other small children and that he is dangerous. Of course, you don't have to say that in front of him.
    I wonder what is going on in his head. Has he ever been able to commucate civilly to you? He must have put on a good front when you met him before the adoption.
    by the way, most of the kids I know who poop and pee all over the room have autistic tendencies, not bipolar. Any chance of that? He could have both, though. Still, it's way more than you can handle. Sounds like this angry child has been passed around too much.
    I am so sorry for all of you.
  11. novangel

    novangel Guest

    I would have to agree that he needs to be removed from your home. I feel so sorry for that child, I can't fathom how awful his life must've been as a baby/ toddler. :(
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The child we adopted didn't really care that he wasn't in our home anymore. He had been thrown around so much in his eleven years that he had lost the ability to attach to anybody. To him we were just another stop on the train ride. j
    I worry about your child's threat to rape his sister. I believe it could happen. There are three signs of an impending psychopath in children: fascination with fire (starts small fires), pooping and peeing inappropriately, and harming animals. All three are a huge red flag. Our child did all three, although we didn't know the half of it until he left and our kids finally told all (it took a lot of therapy and a long time).
    You'll never be able to sue for damages. We tried. Whether or not they give you the right information (and they usually hold back) they are bigger than you...the government. I would just find another place f or him and move on before somebody REALLY gets hurt. If he could kill 50 animals, he could hurt your other children. Please don't take the chance. He may have already done things to any child in your home who is younger than him and they may be too afraid of him to tell you, even if you have spoken to them about "funny touching" and how if they told you, you'd believe them. When a child who harms them is living in the house, that child seems larger than God to them. Our child used to threaten to burn the house down with all of us in it so the younger kids were terrified.
    I always warn people with young children never to adopt older kids. Our social worker who placed this child with us stayed overnight at our house and we got to know her well. She told us that kids in foster care have most likely been sexually abused (her figure was 99.9% of the time). Under those conditions, they are likely to act out on other kids when they hit their teens. It's sad...we adopted our son to help a hard-to-place child. But it wasn't worth the harm to the other kids. Sometimes it's best to just let go and realize that you did the best you could. Good luck and...I understand.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    She told us that kids in foster care have most likely been sexually abused (her figure was 99.9% of the time). Under those conditions, they are likely to act out on other kids when they hit their teens.

  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    MWM -- Please be aware that it is not that easy for everyone. We even had two DCFS caseworkers on our side and they still would not take Kanga. I think alot depends on the "climate" at the time. I think had we not gotten the grant to pay for her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) we could have eventually forced DCFS to take her but it would have been a battle.
  15. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    First, I'd like to welcome you. Second, you have my heartfelt support in whatever choice you need to make for the safety of your family & your difficult child son. These decisions humble us more than anyone can know.

    Please know that just calling CPS isn't going to get an immediate response. You will need to have documentation of the hx of threats, abuse & whatnot. difficult children psychiatrist & therapist will need to be involved in the documentation process stating that your difficult child is unstable to the point of hurting others/himself. In the meantime, put a safety plan in place. Do you have access to a crisis team in your area? If so ask them to be on the alert to your difficult children behaviors & have a crisis plan set up. When do you call, who do you call.

    My son wm cannot live with us physically; I'm still his guardian/parent tho he is not in my physical custody. We set up our line in the sand; our decision on keeping our little family safe. wm was given the safety/crisis plan ~ he knew what the line in the sand was to have him removed physically & he stepped over it.

    Again, this takes time & you seem to be in crisis mode. Each & every time your difficult child is unsafe/unstable dial 911 to have a mentally ill/unstable child transported to the nearest ER for treatment. Ask them to come with-o sirens. I've done it many times here & will do it again (for kt) if necessary. You can cry, worry, whatever about it after the danger is removed from your home.

    Good luck & please keep us updated. This is a big step for you ~ there will be physical & emotional repercussions to the decision to have your difficult child removed from the family. In the long run it's been the best decision I've made for my wm.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and prayers your way. This is not your fault. Your child has severe mental health issues that make it impossible to safely parent him in your home. Chances are your actions will not cause any trauma to him...he has a lengthly history of trauma that was withheld from you. I'm positive that you all have done the very best you can but now, as others have said, is the time to provide safety for the rest of you. I hope that the road to having him turned over to the State
    is not too complex but it sounds as though it is totally necessary. Hugs. DDD