This court battle is making him sick

[BusynMember]

Lil very interesting. I wonder. He is also shy and tends to sound very logical, rather than emotional.

Yesterday he did have what he considered a victory. Grandson is shy and, much like Bart, doesn't like going to activities. He would rather just play with his friends in an unstructured way. He does not like to petform for an audience, like basketball, and Bart was the same. Also Bart thinks that activities will cut I to his time so he doesn't push it.

During the meeting with parental coordinator, both told their opinion on activities. This has been ruled on before by an esteemed guardian who the parental coordinator really respects. The guardian ruled that activities are fine as long as they do not impose on the other parent's time.

Maybe because that guardian ruled this way, easy child told both to meet with Grandson at a fun place and ask Grandson how he felt about activities. Grandson said no to any. He is already in Cub Scouts and said no more. Son won that round and easy child said in an email that she would talk to them both in spring about school, so she will be gone for a while unless a new issue pops up.

So Bart is having a good day. I can't say he is happy because he is always too stressed to be happy.

I can't talk to him the next three nights, even if I am inclined to pick up the phone, because I work late (no phone while working) and always sleep later after a work night and he also calls the next morning. But I won't hear the phone. Yay!!

Jumper is closing on her house this weekend so our and her fiance's family are going out to eat Sunday to celebrate. I will look forward to that and detach from Bart for now. He has taken up enough space in my head this week. Done.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Swot, I have been following along. I am so sorry for your troubles, sheesh, this court thing has dragged on forever.Your patience is amazing. It is not easy to deal with someone who expects you to have all the answers, not fair to you at all.

I will look forward to that and detach from Bart for now. He has taken up enough space in my head this week. Done.

Good. What else is there to be said, when everything you say to him, in his mind, is the wrong thing?
Stay strong sister.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you all so very much. Leafy, you are right. Anything I say is either wrong or, worse, he can't do it, which isn't true.

In so many ways we are survivors. Difficult son has been VERY difficult since birth and has abused his sister, yet here I am....still here. Yet there are past issues I don't forget...like his sister, the Times he scared me, the things he called me, etc. It is not normal for adult kids to swear at, steal from, or call their parents who love them the most horrible names possible. Yet he LOVES me. I know this. Maybe too much. HE needs to detach. We both do.

Thanks again

 

[Albatross]

I'm following along too, SWOT. Oy...sorry you are on the receiving end of those circular conversations.

Well, no...you're NOT a therapist, and you DON'T think he's one...which is why you are recommending he see one! It seems so obvious!

It is likely that, child custody issues or not, things aren't going to get any better for Bart until he learns healthier ways to deal with stress. A therapist would help with that, and seeing one might help make a more favorable impression on the parent coordinator too. Would that help sell the idea to Bart?

My husband has handled some ugly child custody cases over the years, and I have to say that now that he's semi-retired, those are the ones he misses the least! Talk about a fine line between love and hate. And the child is unfortunately the one getting nicked on the razor's edge.

 

[Lil]

Maybe because that guardian ruled this way, easy child told both to meet with Grandson at a fun place and ask Grandson how he felt about activities. Grandson said no to any. He is already in Cub Scouts and said no more. Son won that round and easy child said in an email that she would talk to them both in spring about school, so she will be gone for a while unless a new issue pops up.

Obviously, I could tell you meant P.C., not easy child. This is good! That sounds positive and should at least get Bart a bit back on track.

Enjoy a few stress free days.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi Albie! Thanks for the input and insight.

Of course a therapist would help Bart in every way, with legal people as well, at least in my opinion. More than that, he needs to learn to ACCCEPT what he can not change! Don't we all? By living and dying over things he can't control, well, his blood pressure is way high for a fairly young man and he is in terrible physical shape. Mentally and physically.

But as much as he worries and has phobias, with death being one of his biggest fears, he doesn't do anything to put himself in better shape.

There is nothing I can say to push him along, to start him living life in spite of the lawsuit and to have interests and friends beyond his son. It's possibly as maddening I think as trying to get an unmotivated 21 year old to work and thrive. My son works and makes money (although a nightmare I don't even want to contemplate is that he is so distracted that he gets fired). But my son is not maturing, thriving, building a life full of interests and hobbies and any altruism toward others...no help to others. I know how much helping others helps US!

He is a 40 year old child who plays videogames and watches movies. Often he meets women on.Match, but he doesn't date them..
They go to his house. No wonder they don't stick around. Recently he got a fortunately treatable STD but he pretty much mumbled that this wont get him to use condomns. Such a smart man with no common sense.

So I have a 40 year old man child with no interests. Honestly, if ex didn't abuse grandson (and she does) I would secretly feel he would be better off with her. But she is worse...he is always in trouble there and he is a good kid. Not a d c. Smart and compliant in school. I don't know my grandson well, but I do see his school reports.

I feel Grandson has cards stacked against him. My son tries and loves him, but teaches him that owning everything grandson wants is good. There is nothing Grandson doesn't own. And, yes, he plays videogames way too much.

I just wish this was not a part of my otherwise terrific life.

Lil you are a doll. Even a tad insight into what may be going on helps me, even though nothing helps Bart. You are a true gem. A real shining diamond of a person, kind and straight forward (it is hard to seem like both lol).

 

[A dad]

Take what you can he works and makes money which is far more then many other Difficult Child do also lives on his own so that is an huge plus also.
I am thinking of your grandson he has little choice in who will raise him and its an choice between evil and lesser evil to put it like that. And he is an small child.
Life can be such hell to people who did nothing to deserve it.
I really hope your son gets better he needs to for his son because without him an innocent will have no break be it how it is.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry things have been so difficult with Bart. The court cases and constantly thinking you will lose your child are soul destroying. I am sure that Bart has very few coping skills to help him through this. He is very lucky to have you for a mom, SWOT. You have set boundaries but you haven't ever just cut him off. That is a mother's love!

He truly seems like he never developed past the stage of being an adolescent except in the way he understands that he needs to have a good job and work well for his employer.

One way you might get him to do better for himself is to approach it as how would his son be without him? He needs to do something about stress or he is going to have a heart attack, and then what will happen to his dear son when he isn't around any longer? Clearly he needs to find some ways to cope that are working better, and maybe seeing a therapist would help in the court cases. It would show that he is trying to be as healthy as possible and trying to learn to be the best dad he can be. If he isn't willing to even do this, does his son mean that much to him?

My brother often reacts with the "it won't work, how dare you even suggest it, how stupid/dumb/idiotic are you" whenever anything is suggested. We have learned to tell him that maybe whatever he is telling us is SOOOOO important maybe isn't that important if he won't even think about a new strategy when his old ones are not working. It took a whole lot of work (mostly not mine because I have too much fear to be around him when he starts getting belligerent) but after several years this has made some significant changes. It might help with your son too.

I hope that Bart can learn to manage his stress better. He may get a wakeup call from his body before much longer if he isn't careful. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not someone with a child! Does he have plans for how he will handle custody of his child if he is hit iwth a heart attack or stroke? I had a migraine that they thought was a stroke and it was the scariest experience of my life. Your son needs to have a plan in place ahead of time, just so his ex doesn't get a leg up in the custody wars. Having a plan for his son means he is a father who thinks ahead of all the contingencies. This looks good to the courts.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, Susie.

I have told Bart he needed to stay healthy and get help for grandson's sake. Guess what? It stresses him out when I say that and he won't talk about it. "Are you trying to make it even more stressful?"

I can't win so I no longer try. But his body is already sending him ominous messages. If I bring that up, I get the same response as I get when I remind him that grandson needs him to take care of himself.

Bart would have to be far worse for me to ever stop contact. But it helps that he lives far away. It may be different if he could just drop by. He would drive hub and me nuts and Jumper is around a lot...he would drive her crazy too. Sonic would be the only one who felt sorry for him.

 

[A dad]

Why does Sonic has such an different approach to his brother?

 

[BusynMember]

He has autism and is very sensitive and forgiving snd his Bart was nice to him. Mot so much the girls. And Jumper csn hear when we talk on cell phone and Bart is yelling at me and she doesnt like it. Sonic hadnt really heard him yell at me. Jumper has a few times. Bart flat out abused Princess.

 

[A dad]

He has autism and is very sensitive and forgiving snd his Bart was nice to him. Mot so much the girls. And Jumper csn hear when we talk on cell phone and Bart is yelling at me and she doesnt like it. Sonic hadnt really heard him yell at me. Jumper has a few times. Bart flat out abused Princess.

I assume they do not keep in touch?Sonic and Bart I mean.

 

[BusynMember]

Bart has tried texting Sonic and Sonic would be glad to see him, but Sonic in this case is the one who hasn't responded. He doesn't like to text and says he doesn't know what to say. With Bart in St. Louis and unwilling to drive to Chicago, they havent seen one another for years. Sonic does t drive and, being autistic, prefers to sleep in his own bed, not travel. He would not like the train and cant afford to fly there.

 

[Triedntrue]

I too have a son with custody issues. His ex is vindictive and wants his rights taken away permanently. She does everything she can to destroy his life. He is not able to be a good dad at this point but loves his son. She has her own demons and is not the wonderful person she tries to make herself out to be. She makes her son call her live in daddy and does not allow anyone to discuss my son. She is a control freak to the 10th degree and stalks my son to catch him doing something she can use against him. She meanwhile is a ex drug dealer. (Not sure i believe ex) with ptsd. I got to see my grandson recently and his behavior has deteriorated measurably. Anyway as far as his custody issues and your sons they both need to want it bad enough to do what they need for themselves that would give them the ability to fight for it.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Swot, so sorry to hear how you are feeling! You give so much to people on this site, I wish I could give back in the same way. May you get some recharge from knowing how many people are here on this site for you and willing to listen anytime! Hugs xx

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you. That was a bad week. The weeks following have been back to normal