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<blockquote data-quote="Not Unique" data-source="post: 763244" data-attributes="member: 30477"><p>Hi brokeninside: I so get everything you’re feeling and thinking right now. I am actually on a nice getaway with my husband. I am sitting here poolside with 84° weather and staring at the beautiful ocean. I am also wondering where my son is, who is somewhere far across the country right now, and what he is doing. He called us two days ago for money again. His throat was so raw and his speech so rapid that I knew he was manic and using crystal meth. He just got out of the psychiatric unit the third time since he’s been out of jail two weeks ago. I have no words for the pain that I feel . I do know that I did not cause this on a cerebral level. As a mother, my heart thinks what did I do to cause this. Those feelings fight each other almost every waking moment. I have to remind myself that I never woke up in the morning and said what can I do to make my son mentally ill, Drug addicted, and homeless. I did do the best I could with what I had. And the truth is he led a very blessed life until he was first diagnosed at 17 with bipolar one/schizo affective disorder. He has since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, as well. So when he is medication compliant, he’s still incredibly difficult to deal with. Letting him go and letting God is not just the easier, softer way, it is the only way that I can cope. If I drove out there to save him, I would be doing harm to me and not helping him at all. My reality tells me this is the truth after over a decade of trying this again and again. My heart is definitely with you right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Not Unique, post: 763244, member: 30477"] Hi brokeninside: I so get everything you’re feeling and thinking right now. I am actually on a nice getaway with my husband. I am sitting here poolside with 84° weather and staring at the beautiful ocean. I am also wondering where my son is, who is somewhere far across the country right now, and what he is doing. He called us two days ago for money again. His throat was so raw and his speech so rapid that I knew he was manic and using crystal meth. He just got out of the psychiatric unit the third time since he’s been out of jail two weeks ago. I have no words for the pain that I feel . I do know that I did not cause this on a cerebral level. As a mother, my heart thinks what did I do to cause this. Those feelings fight each other almost every waking moment. I have to remind myself that I never woke up in the morning and said what can I do to make my son mentally ill, Drug addicted, and homeless. I did do the best I could with what I had. And the truth is he led a very blessed life until he was first diagnosed at 17 with bipolar one/schizo affective disorder. He has since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, as well. So when he is medication compliant, he’s still incredibly difficult to deal with. Letting him go and letting God is not just the easier, softer way, it is the only way that I can cope. If I drove out there to save him, I would be doing harm to me and not helping him at all. My reality tells me this is the truth after over a decade of trying this again and again. My heart is definitely with you right now. [/QUOTE]
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