This is going to sound so petty

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Big Bad Kitty, Oct 26, 2007.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Tink came out of school yesterday, got in the car, and burst into tears. When I got her calmed down enough to talk, she explained to me what had happened.

    Apparently, yesterday was red lollypop day because this is say no to drugs week. Every day has something red in it, yesterday was the sucker. At some point during the day, one of the teachers put a sucker in each of the kid's mailboxes. When it was time to go, the kids got their belongings from their mailboxes. Tink found that she had 2 suckers in her mailbox. Now, I never got out of her if there were names on them or not, but somehow it was determined that one of those suckers belonged to another little boy in the class, "D". The teacher returned the sucker to D, and assumed that Tink had taken his sucker from his mailbox. So she took Tink's sucker from her! Tink said that she tried to explain herself to the teacher, that her mailbox had 2 suckers in it, but she would not listen.

    Tink was in tears, she claims because she did not get a sucker, but I think more because she was embarrassed by the whole thing.

    After she calmed down, not another word was said about it. She is transferring schools after next week. Should I have said something to the teacher? What would you guys have done? I usually let things like this slide.
  2. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Poor girl. I would talk with the teacher. She should be told to not assume something happened. She needs to ask before making judgement as accidents can & do happen. Tink deserves a big lollipop for trying to explain what happened. I think all to often these teachers react as "grown ups" and forget they are dealing with children. :slap:

    Letting things slide is fine to, however it might make this teacher think twice next time about really listening to the kids. Good luck. Keep us posted.
  3. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I would talk to the teacher. maybe the boy gave tink his sucker because he has a crush on her.
  4. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    I definitely would say something to the teacher. First, I would ask the teacher what happened, then tell Tink's side of the story. If there's no proof she took the sucker, I'd ask for an apology and a return of the sucker.

    My difficult child lies a lot, and in this situation I would probably doubt his version. But I always try to show him that I will back him up, unless it's very evident that it's a lie.

  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I would ask the teacher before sharing Tink's story. I know that my difficult child's perception of how things went down was often very different from the real truth. It's not that difficult child was wrong, per se, only that HER perception was off a bit.

    Now I want a lolli~
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd also have a talk with the teacher. Let her give you the adult version of the story first. Kids tend to leave out important details sometimes. Then tell her Tink's story of what happened.

    If there is no proof Tink took the sucker, her sucker needs to be returned with an apology. Any child could've placed that extra sucker into Tink's mailbox for a variety of reasons.

    It's important for any child to know they have a parent who will "have their back" in these situations. But for a difficult child I believe it's even MORE important because trouble seems to have a way of finding them, whether they're looking for it or not.

    Even if it would turn out Tink did take the sucker, she'd see that you were willing to stick up for her in the situation.

    Teacher needs to be reminded that the Obvious with kids isn't always as it appears to be.

  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Another vote for talking with the teacher. You know Tink best and it sounds like you believe her. If the teacher has proof, then Tink should apologize to both of you. If there is no proof, then the teacher owes Tink an apology -- in front of the class if the sucker was taken from her in front of the class. If it was done privately, then a private apology is fine.

    My little one was one who stole. However, if she howled she didn't take it, I was willing to bet she didn't and I would fight the teacher tooth and nail for her. She didn't need additional accusations thrown at her. She didn't need to have the finger pointed at her first every time. So, go do mommy duty and fight, fight, fight for Tink.
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    BBK, it's not petty at all. Little things can hurt a lot too (think of a paper cut).

    Children's sense of right and wrong seems highly attuned to fairness, and Tink is probably more hurt at being treated unfairly than at having her sucker taken away.

    Incidents like this can hurt for a long time. Once in a while I get an echo of the hurt I felt from one incident, and it's been about 28 years since it happened. Knowing that you stood up for her will help Tink to let go of whatever hurt she's feeling, and not carry it around with her.

    I agree that a talk with the teacher is due.

    All the best, and hugs for Tink and you.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    It is important because it is about trust. Teacher does not trust Tink for whatever reason. That is hurtful. Even if you lost trust at one time, it is a painful reminder when someone shows they do not trust you.
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Thank you very much for the input!

    I shall don my armor, and fight for Tink's honor...
  11. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Go get 'em, Warrior Mom!!!

  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You could have been writing about Wynter. Something like that would roll off easy child's back, but Wynter would be crushed. It makes my claws come out. Of course, you can't show them...have to be nice and all...but you want to.

    Let us know how it goes.
  13. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    I ditto that "Go get 'em, Warrior Mom!!!" :)
  14. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I agree with the fact that the teacher needs talked to. Hope you find out and get the right result for Tink.

  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Thank you all for your support. The teacher was not in today. Tink has one teacher for the AM, one for the PM. They are both part time with young kids. Anyways, the PM teacher, who had the problem with the lolly, was out today, so I spoke with the AM teacher.

    She knew nothing about it, but left a note for the PM teacher. Tink was happy that I came to her defense.

    Thanks for making me do it!
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well I'm not cut from the same cloth so maybe this will sound burlappy.

    I don't think it has anything to do with suckers, lollipops, DARE or red day. I think it has to do with honesty or in Tinks case her teacher's lack of it.

    Do I think you need to go to the school with Tink and have a meeting with this teacher? OHHHhhhh you betcha. Tink needs to know that if she is honest - there are rewards for it, and when people think she is dishonest and has been honest there will be consequences for the other person who didn't believe her.

    I went through a similar situation in first grade with difficult child. Someone had accidentally set their candy in difficult child's cubby and he got 'caught' with 2 pieces. The other little boy was made out to be a victim and my son to be the evil Over Lord of underworld of black market Valentine's day suckers. My son at the end of the day met me at my car crying. He begged me to not confront the teacher. We left.

    On Monday (after bar tending 12 hours straight) I was in no mood. I had my pj's on, put on my lace up chick boots, my long leather duster and headed out to school. (It was like Alice Cooper in drag) I knocked on the door of the classroom. I asked ever so politely if I could speak with her about the incident. The teacher said without a miss "There's nothing to talk about Your son is a thief" (first grade thief?) So I proceeded to explain in the most silent and serious of tones how important it is for young impressionable children to be believed especially when the teacher didn't actually see the 'alleged theft' and by the time I was done explaining life to her as I knew it and what would happen to her job should she ever EVER make my son cry again - we both go up, left the room and she was in tears.

    I then said once I had her crying "It sure doesn't feel good to have the big person make the smaller person cry does it?" I called my own son out into the hallway and told him his teacher had something to say to him - and then I said it would be nice if she explained it to the entire class - I'd gladly wait in the hall. She announced that my son was accused unfairly, and she had not in fact seen him take the sucker AND for everyone to be careful where they put their candy when passed out.

    Darn right I'd go to the school and defend her honor. If you don't who's she going to count on to be there for HER and have HER back in the future?

    Three years later this same teacher confessed to me that that day was a turning point in her life. She had just had twins, was poor and her husband was cheating on her. SHe was eating grits to survive. I told her - at 6 and 7 they don't have much but you wreck their lives branding them a liar at that age and no one will ever trust them in school and their lives beome scapegoate`.

    or is it scape goaty?

    Be her warrior - :warrior: my .63 cents worth.

  17. SprinkleMeLola

    SprinkleMeLola New Member

    You've already said that you are going to fight for Tink...I totally think that's the right thing to do. As a mother, you can usually tell when your child is lying. Give the teacher a chance to explain, and then let her have it. It doesn't matter what she "thinks" happened...without proof, she had no right to take Tink's sucker. Yes, it's just a sucker, but what about the next time, when it's something bigger?

    She will lose faith in the system, and you, if her honor isn't defended. She deserves to be innocent until proven guilty, just like anyone else. The teacher is in the wrong.
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Let us know how you get on. You've already done a lot more than many parents would have and I think this sends a strong message of support to Tink.

    Handing out things like this - it's easy to get numbers wrong or for kids to give two to someone they like and none to a kid they don't. Or for accidents to happen - we have pigeonholes at church and the monthly newsletter gets put in each one. Occasionally we don't get one, or perhaps get two by accident. If we've missed out, we ask for one. If we get two, we assume someone accidentally doubled up and we put the spare on top of the pigeonholes.

    It's the adult thing to do.

    Star is right, this isn't about the lollipop, it's about the automatic assumption without consideration, and it's about what I see as the abuse of power by a person in authority. If Tink stole the other kid's lollipop, simply being caught and not profiting from her ill-gotten gains (to wit: one lollipop) should have been enough. Tink's response to this alone would have told the teacher if Tink was a total innocent, or a devious kid. If you as teacher suspect the latter, you don't take punishment any further but you watch and listen.

    I've had a few teachers in my time who THOUGHT they understood the 'wisdom of Solomon' but who got it badly wrong. It still burns, decades later.

  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that you need to get the story of how that lollipop got in the wrong cubby before you jump to any conclusions.

    As Jo said, sometimes parents don't get the whole story. I find it odd that the teacher automatically assumed it was stolen. Could the other child have told the teacher that Tink took it (even if she didn't)?

    I hope that you can get it straightened out.

  20. pnuts

    pnuts New Member

    I spend what seems like forever "fixing" similar situations with my difficult child at school. He gets blamed for alot and has difficulty communicating when he's angry. I find he gets in more trouble when he is not at fault because he is so frustrated with the blame that he ends up cursing, etc. :hammer:

    What works at home is giving him a chance to cool down and take his time and give his version. When this happens he tends to tell it like it is... If he did something bad he says it and accepts the consequences. I just can't seem to get the school to do the same no matter how many times I stress consistency and fairness...They don't get it. For several grand a year for the school you'd think they could try to get it.