This is hard

[DDD]

It's just a semantics thing. After school "day care" is available at most US schools where working parents can have their kids play (sometimes do homework) etc. usually until 6 PM. There are, of course, private daycare centers that pick some kids up and quite a few private schools (like karate) that have mini buses pick up kids to spend the afternoon hours. Some children enjoy every minute of it and others have fun but get overly stimulated by having so many hours in a peer group. Since mine could never manage to "nap" or "rest" during the allocated school time they were frequently exhausted at the end of the day. I'm hoping you'll see patterns in your brief daily notations that will help. Hugs. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Malika, hon, sure they use the DSM, but there is a big difference in HOW they use it, if that makes sense If your doctors rarely diagnose and only do it after six and usually stick to ADHD, they are more conservative than they are here. That isn't a bad thing. I think they jump t he gun pretty fast here and dole out medications way too often and too soon. If childhood bipolar is not diagnosed in France, however, well, that's a biggie here...so the psychiatrists are thinking in different ways. Again, that is not a bad thing. After my experience with Sonic, I think they diagnose wrong way too often (and they are so sure they have diagnosed right even when they are wrong) and they medicate in sometimes frightening ways in the US.

Reading what really happened with J, it does not seem as serious. Our 4K boys at the daycare are rough with each other and seem to enjoy tumbling all over each other and fake chasing and fighting. The line gets drawn when somebody actually gets hurt, but agree that boys are naturally more interested in playing physically.

 

[Ktllc]

besides mental health, J could have some behavior issues just because of who/what he is in a small french rural community: multi-cultural, multi-lingual north african adopted little boy. I know you are aware of it, and that on its own can explain A LOT. Yourself feel kind of the outsider, I'm sure your son feels it as well. He might be too young to actively work on issues like this, but I'm sure there are a lot of books tackling the subjects. You might not find one book about J's very unique situation, but a few put together might help him even if not self aware of it yet. I know what it is to live in a different country and after moving so much it's like one belongs everywhere and nowhere at the same time (if I make any sense), add to that a race and adoption factor: it has to weigh quite a bit in the balance. I am not trying to imply that people actively reject him/you, but there is a lot of unconscience dynamic. As he grows older, he will be better equiped to talk about his feelings and, maybe, that is an area of his life that will need therapy.

 

[buddy]

besides mental health, J could have some behavior issues just because of who/what he is in a small french rural community: multi-cultural, multi-lingual north african adopted little boy. I know you are aware of it, and that on its own can explain A LOT. Yourself feel kind of the outsider, I'm sure your son feels it as well. He might be too young to actively work on issues like this, but I'm sure there are a lot of books tackling the subjects. You might not find one book about J's very unique situation, but a few put together might help him even if not self aware of it yet. I know what it is to live in a different country and after moving so much it's like one belongs everywhere and nowhere at the same time (if I make any sense), add to that a race and adoption factor: it has to weigh quite a bit in the balance. I am not trying to imply that people actively reject him/you, but there is a lot of unconscience dynamic. As he grows older, he will be better equiped to talk about his feelings and, maybe, that is an area of his life that will need therapy.

That is an excellent point. I love the book I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, because it was written by a Black Psychologist (she chooses those identifiers) and she wrote it to explain to Black parents how development of awareness of color and use of race/ethnicity words develop. She wanted to reassure Black parents that when their kids said I'm not black, that they were not rejecting their race. In the end, the book was a good tool for any teacher, parent etc. of a child who is not the majority. It shows how kids become aware of differences, how they process it, and developmentally appropriate stages of understanding the colors of the world. Not exactly your issue, but I thought I'd add it because it is a little piece of his life that is important. The fitting in, and cultural issues... you have discussed this before and it is important. You seem to feel that too since you say you are considering options. Lots to think of Malika. He is lucky to have you.

 

[Malika]

Yes, difficult to know about the racial/cultural issue and how that plays in. Let's put it this way... I think if J were quiet, timid, well-behaved and more socially subtle than he is, he would fit in and his race wouldn't be an issue. But being turbulent, aggressive, larger than life and naughty probably brings out people's conscious and unconscious racism, their unspoken fear and distrust of "the Arab"... at this age, there is no racism among the kids and the adults are obviously not voicing it. Being English is, curiously, almost much as an issue, probably Of course I do speak fluent French and I guess that helps integration... I do feel that J's sense of identity would be aided if he were brought up in Morocco - but there is a lot of prejudice against adopted children there... So whichever way you shake it, there are difficulties.
I spoke to the other mother today. She sounded rather withdrawn, reserved - not too shocked about what had happened, I think. She said her son was very easily influenced and that he adored J and wanted to do everything he wanted (not sure I totally recognise that picture ) But I played along with the version that J is the aggressive, influencing partner and was suitably apologetic. She thanked me for ringing and I think it was important to acknowledge this and ask about the other little boy. He is coming to the party, incidentally.
Rather exhausting day with J, with him being whiney, demanding, tantrumy all day and then suddenly he changed (after running very fast round the block - coincidence??) and became his amenable and co-operative self, eager to please. Yes, DDD, it's going in the diary!

 

[buddy]

I have thought that too. I don't think there is overt racism for Q, I do think that the fact that he stands out, it is probably put together. And a big reason I think it is out there and can even hit kids who are not even told to think that way??? some how Q started saying... I"m Black, you don't want to mess with me! Oh really? where the heck did he get that? Even with the blocked ratings, channels, etc... he got that into him. He does not know a single tough black person, all loving normal people. It has to be media. He has said that he sees that the bad guys on TV are Black. I really don't want him to think of his ethnicity as a road to being tough or a criminal with his black/white thinking (no pun intended). I worked hard to get Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers of color to be with him, and who do you think was the worst one ever! Of course one problem was he was actually African and his accent was just too hard for Q to understand. but he would sit in his car listening to iPod and send Q into stores etc.... on his own! He got fired from this agency and another one of their companies that had group homes. so sad.

 

[Steely]

Well, for what it is worth - Matt decided that because he was from Texas, "no one could mess with him". You know because "Texas is bigger and better, and you don't mess with Texas" and all that nonsense you hear on commercials??? I mean it sounds funny, but he was sincere. And it is this "different" type of behavior that probably singles them out more than any color, culture, or financial background.

 

[buddy]

yes Steely, I think some of our kids are just that impressionable. And really, Q still doesn't fully get that cartoons are not real. We have some work to do still, smile.

 

[confuzzled]

i'm always afraid i'm somehow going to minimize your feeling when i post, and its certainly NOT my intent--you're the mom, and you SHOULD listen to your mommy gut. so please know i'm posting only to give you a different perspective, not to judge anything.

but i think its very easy to lose sight of the fact that 5 year olds are not little adults. its virtually impossible to hold any young child to the same standards you would an adult. they arent developmentally ready to think or behave like one--they still have miles to go.

i'm wondering if part of what you perceive is that you have a disproportinate sampling to compare to.

a whole school that is 35 kids? i'm honestly sitting here trying to think of any time, since my two were born, that i only had 35 other kids behaviors to draw on...and i really cant think of one. (i'm also assuming that out of those 35 kids, there is a small group that is within a year of J). its easy to think, well, jeez, i've known kids my whole life, but somehow, until you have one of your own to compare to others, you dont really pay attention to the small stuff with other peoples kids--somehow its not important until you need to know how yours measures up to the rest of the world.

and you say there is only one boy in his class...who, from your own words, actually sounds *more* like a difficult child in training than yours. even if not, its one kid...hardly the yardstick for developmental appropriateness.

i cant pretend to understand the cultural differences you live with and i'm sure its hard.

but i cant shake the feeling that he seems like a pretty typical boy here in the states. i do think he probably has some issues with routine/transitions and tireness (overscheduled), but *lots* of kids have those difficulties at his age. you've mentioned before that when he's in morocco they dont see the same issues that you see in france...i think thats very interesting. its hard to know if that he's on his best behavior, or if their standards of behaviors in a 5 year old are much less than you are faced with, or if somehow there is more routine and expectation to a typical day there.

i feel so bad for you that every move, every word, every everything seems like something to contemplate in detail...i think the journal is an excellent idea, but i also think you need to just enjoy the boy you have.

he sounds like my kind of kid, lol...full of p*ss and vinegar as we'd say here in the states.

and i'd personally worry a lot less about that kind of kid than the one who's "easily influenced"...

 

[exhausted]

Malika,
Sorry I am so late to this thread-busy week. I agree not to make this huge. Boys are aggressive, and J may or may not be within normal limits-it sounds as if J is not sure how to handle his frustrations and yes probably disappointment in himself. I agree that you should use the strategies that work for you-maybe giving him some ideas for stategies to handle the frustration. Aggression towards you is not one of those-good on you for walking away!

The only this I would add is that when my son was young, there were only 2 boys in the emmediate area. At the time we went to church regularly and these boys were part of that. They just were not a good fit for our son. Actually, one of them often took things from our son, made fun of him etc. My son got mad and defended himself, not always in the ways we had hoped mind you.
Can you imagine how tough it must be for J to have only one boy to choose from in the group? At this age they are usually in same sex groups-not a whole lot of boy/girl play in my experience in schools. We expect them to get along and play nice, but if the fit isn't real good, it would make a love/hate thing! If I could do anything different raising my kids, I would have sold our home and moved them out of this neighborhood. I think friends, proximity, and choices of friends are that important. In the end it has caused many issues.(Not that any are to blame for my kid's diagnosis-just that there were so few kids my kids' ages and this neighborhood is working class, and not a whole lot of social graces when problem solving was necessary) At some point, other kids have a lot of power. They really have a great amount of power on the formation of self-esteem, beliefs, etc. My wish is that J would have other friend choices at school.

 

[Malika]

Thanks for your input and views - valuable and interesting. Communicating by virtual means is, of course, incomplete and often misleading. Maybe it seems like I am constantly worrying about J because that is what I communicate here; in real life, though, I think things are a bit more "cool"
Really my aim in coming here to France (where I already had a property) was for J to learn French - languages in general are such an advantage, of course, and then for a Moroccan to speak and write French is an incalculable advantage (sadly, perhaps, in these post-colonial days) if J one day wants to make his life there. He has also been in a tiny school environment, which has also been really valuable for him (and deliberately chosen by me) - as the teacher says, in an ordinary-sized class he would be constantly designated a trouble-maker and there would be no time to give him the one to one attention on which he thrives. So from that point of view, really all to the good.
But of course from another point of view, it is a bit disastrous having such a small pool of friends to choose from. The other boy, in fairness, really isn't a difficult child - he seems a polite, amenable youngster, if rather stolid and serious, perhaps more of an introvert to J's extrovert. But I don't think they are natural friends, probably. There is a boy who is a year younger (a quarter Moroccan as his father is half Moroccan...) and they really are natural friends - the relationship is much less conflictual, so they tell me. I am worried that some genie is going to come out of the bottle at school, and I think that's understandable, really. Seeing his intense outbursts with me, his physical violence (not to hurt but still violence) with me, his constant outbursts when he doesn't get what he wants, I have been surprised at how well he has held it together at school. So unfortunately when this kind of stuff happens I'm viewing it from a rather different perspective than "oh it's just boy stuff"... J does have something like ADHD - it could be Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), it could be fetal alchohol effects, it could be, as the last child pyschiatrist we saw said, that he is hyperactive in the old diagnosis but since this has now been lumped in with attention deficiency as well, he has to be called ADHD even though he isn't...
Thank you for your comments, anyway, This does help me clarify that it would be best for us to settle somewhere else, probably in Casablanca with J going to a French school there. He will stand out less like a sore thumb there, apart from anything else. Perhaps I too will be happier out of this environment. People here are like people anywhere - some have large hearts and understanding minds; some are narrow minded and critical. When I take J to school, there are a group of parents who barely nod to me. Some do not even acknowledge me at all, even though I smile at them or say hello... It's rather rude and, if I wanted to take it to heart, rather upsetting... But I haven't really taken it personally because they don't know me.
The conflict is because I KNOW that J would do best in a small school environment - it's beyond question. He is not going to find that in a French school in Morocco, which will have classes of around 25. Not an easy decision. But I think perhaps this incident has shown that our time in the village should be limited