This is making me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Mar 11, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member


    I rec'd something in writing stating sd will cover educational expenses of Residential Treatment Center (RTC). But, even though the person doing the medicaid processing assured me yesterday that difficult child would be in the system by end of day, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) checked this morning and difficult child still isn't in there. The lady hasn't returned a call from 2 messages I left for her this morning and her VM message says she's leaving at 2:00 today.

    On top of that, the GAL nor the sw from DSS has returned calls from Monday about a county meeting, parental placement into Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or status in general. I'm supposed to talk to difficult child's attny later today, but he can only tell me so much because he's difficult child's attny and his job is to keep difficult child out of detention and in as close to a home environment as possible- even if that means turning against me because I am difficult child's opposing party in this case. I don't know what to do.

    I can't afford an attny and have not been charged with anything. I'm interested in hearing if the place where difficult child is now has heard anything and they will either call me today or let me know tomorrow morning during our conference call. I am a nervous wreck. My therapist told me yesterday that she didn't blame me for not being comfortable with that written personality test alone being done to get a diagnosis and treatment plan for me. She said it didn't make sense for it to be ordered unless they either thought I was a substance abuser or had dillusional thinking. I told her that they already knew my issues and that I had told them a long time ago that I had not done any illegal drug in over 25 years and if they wanted to give me a drug test, I would be happy to take one, so I don't think that's it. I think it's just their standard test and that doesn't make me feel any more comfortable about it.

    Anyway, I feel like I should be prepared for the worst- to be trashed in court next week and that my bro will probably be there- ready to take difficult child out of state. Why else wouldn't gal and/or dss be calling me?

    Two years ago when gal first got involved, she spent more time on the phone listening to my bro's BS and lies than she did with me getting facts and checking them out to see if I was telling the truth. I know this to be fact because of the things she said in court that she ultimately admitted and yet difficult child's psychiatrist said the GAL had never even called him. I guess she must just believe my bro over me or else she wouldn't be handling things the way she is now. I don't see how it can add up to anything else. Someone called my house last night with their number blocked from showing up on caller ID. They never said anything and finally hung up.

    The place where difficult child is now said if they had any doubt that home was unsafe for difficult child, they would have reported it, not just mentioned something to GAL. I am so scared for difficult child. But I had to call 911 that night- I had to ask the system to step in. No one else would do anything to help because he was already in Department of Juvenile Justice control.

    My stomach is in knots. I keep trying to say the serenity prayer but I also feel like I need to do somsething to stop this but I can't- I don't know what to do. If the gal and PO honestly beleive that all difficult child's issues are my fault, what can I do about it? difficult child knew that the PO always blamed me if something didn't go right- I think that had a lot to do with things getting so out of control. Do I let him come home with this only being worrse now, knowing he could kill me but either way, enabling him? Do I just sit there in court and not say anything while they turn difficult child over to someone where I know he could get molested and if not, I know he'll be allowed to do things that are illegal and the whole time he'll be told that it's his mother's fault that he has issues- that he doesn't need medications or a therapist?
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2009
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm sending strong vibes to keep your brother out of the picture.
    Good luck!
    I am so sorry for all your stress.
  3. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    And again, have you called Legal Aid yet?
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    eeky- I tried several times to get thru to legal aid before. I can't get thru.

    The place difficult child is now just called and the psychiatrist is getting ready to call the gal. I asked what was going on and the sw there said it was just because psychiatrist needed to touch base with gal about discharge, nothing major. I said I was very worried. She laughed and said I was paranoid about my bro. I said, yes probably but dss told me over a week ago that if difficult child is placedd with them, they HAVE to turn him over to my bro. We can't do family therapy out of state from each other.

    See- even if psychiatrist tells gal I'm this worried over the situation, the gal could go into court and use it against me that I'm paranoid. I just never know what she's going to twist around and use against me. This is based on her previous actions, not on unbased fear.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    What about your state's protection and advocacy office? I know its more for legal issues involving school, but in a round about way, yours does. A large part of what got you here is school.

    Do your best, K. That's all you can do. It hoovers like a black hole, but all you can do is say what you know to be true to those who can influence the outcome. Take what you just wrote to court with you - let them know that if they're so concerned about difficult child's well-being, wouldn't that have involved talking to the GAL? Maybe even write up a document of all those type questions and comments, put the most glaring on the front, and offer it to the judge. Unconventional, might not take it, then again, might.

    If worst case scenario happens and difficult child goes to bro's, we will all be praying for you and difficult child, and even tho its not the best for difficult child, it would give you a chance to get things leveled out in your home again. difficult child did have a part in creating this mess, and I pray he doesn't go to bro's, but he might appreciate coming home down the road if he has to.

    I don't know. I wish I had answers. I wish I had money for your lawyer. Heck, I wish I just had a law degree! All I have is whole hearted support and hugs and prayers for you all. The system has made a royal volcano out of what started as a mole hill in this case.

    PS - what about the media? Any chance a local station might make an issue of this?
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    They helped with some things before-until it got to a point where Department of Juvenile Justice could be the only agency to do anything because difficult child was already in their system. Then, this office said they could no longer help me.

    Another thorn in my side- wouldn't it look worse if I had told them about previous abuse in my family, then didn't flip out when they started talking about sending difficult child there? And as I have said before, if GAL is only using this as a threat to manipulate me, she is a sick person.

    If I was truly over protective of difficult child, would it be me that took the position that difficult child should be in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for psychiatric/therapist care and also have consequences and earn his way out so he would have to earn his way back home? I can't believe that there are people helping difficult child turn this around on me until it is a situation where I have to earn him coming backing home and he might just be at my bro's, with no legal consequences, until I have done that.
  7. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Did you ever call any of these places? I still think there is help out there for you. I think one of these places or your state representative or newspaper, etc. could intervene on your behalf.

    State Protection and Advocacy Agency
    Each State has a protection and advocacy agency that receives funding from the Federal Center for Mental Health Services. Agencies are mandated to protect and advocate for the rights of people with mental illnesses and to investigate reports of abuse and neglect in facilities that care for or treat individuals with mental illnesses. These facilities, which may be public or private, include hospitals, nursing homes, community facilities, board and care homes, homeless shelters, jails, and prisons. Agencies provide advocacy services or conduct investigations to address issues that arise during transportation or admission to such facilities, during residency in them, or within 90 days after discharge from them. Contact:

    Virginia Office for Protection & Advocacy
    1910 Byrd Avenue, Suite 5
    Richmond, VA 23230
    Phone: 804-225-2042 (TDD)
    Toll-free: 800-552-3962 (Statewide)
    Fax: 804-662-7057

    Advocacy Organizations
    Local chapters of Mental Health America (formerly the National Mental Health Association) have information about community services and engage in national and State level advocacy. For more information about the association, write or call:

    Paula Price, Executive Director
    Mental Health America of Virginia
    530 East Main Street, Suite 707
    Richmond, VA 23219
    (866) 400- 6428
    Fax: 804-225-5593

    NAMI Virginia
    P.O. Box 8260
    Richmond, VA 23226-0260
    Phone: 804-285-8264
    Toll-free: 888-486-VAMI (8264)
    Fax: 804-285-8464

    Statewide consumer organizations are run by and for consumers of mental health services and promote consumer empowerment. These organizations provide information about mental health and other support services at the State level and are active in addressing and advocating for mental health system issues. For information about consumer activities in your area, contact:

    Office of Legislation and Public Relations
    Department of Mental Health, Mental Retardation and Substance Abuse Services
    P.O. Box 1797
    1220 Bank Street
    Richmond, VA 23219-1797
    Phone: 804-786-9048
    Fax: 804-371-0092

    Virginia Organization of Consumers Asserting Leadership
    P.O. Box 477
    Richmond, VA 23218
    Phone: 804-343-1777
    Toll-free: 888-771-2030
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yes, as I mentioned before, I have contacted several of these places and no one will help because of difficult child already being in Department of Juvenile Justice control. A big concern of mine is psychiatrist now just talking to gal verbally. They are telling me that they do not think I am an unsafe parent for difficult child and that their previous written recommendation for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has not changed. However, the last court the GAL said she had spoken with psychiatrist several times (and she looked toward me like she was trying to send a message that she knew more about the situation than I did) and told the judge that psychiatrist said difficult child should have residential placement. Well, this implied that difficult child just needed to be removed from the home so the judge asked to see the written recommendations which said they recommended Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and that difficult child and I were very concerned about each other.

    Given that I've seen/heard gal mislead things in court several times, I am very concerned about psychiatrist verbally saying things to her privately because who knows if this is what she's really conveying correctly in court and without having it all in writing, I can't appeal it. I could, but I would have no evidence. And it's beyond me why I am teleconferenced in on team meetings because I'm the parent, then the psychiatrist is talking to gal privately. Is he telling her something different or not? He could be trying to get the gal on board, but I need whatever he is saying in writing. Also, if it is something specific they want me to work on, don't I need to know what it is? I also worry about these conceptual statements based on speculation rather than specific parental decisions.

    I just hate being left in the dark like this and if they are worried about my mental health, they would be returning a freaking call, given all they've said to scare me to death. Just like in court, the judge asked the gal if dss got involved, would they work with me. The gal shook her head yes, kind of, but didn't really say yes. The judge then ordered dss involvement. In the hallway, the gal told me if difficult child gets turned over to dss, they are not going to listen to what I want or think.

    I resent the carp out of these people for putting me thru this every single time that difficult child has an issue. It does effect the way I parent him. I avoid getting these people more involved like the plague and difficult child knows it. He knows it punishes me more than him.

    Looking back on it all, this has been going this way for so long that I think it all boils down to my bro convincing the gal that I'm a whack job 2 years ago and the gal probably passed that on to the PO. That's the only thing that adds up.

    Even my therapist told me yesterday that maybe I was just paranoid. I said yeah, that's what my bro wants to believe and has said to me and everyone else, and then took my son's face in his hands and smacked a kiss on his lips and just looked at me afterwards like he'll do whatever he wants.

    Paranoid my butt. And I am infuriated that I testified to all this last year and answered every single question the gal had and they ended up (the judge and everyone else in court) wanting to make sure I was doing enough to protect difficult child from my family and now, the gal is right back to swinging 180 degrees in the opposite direction again. I can't emotionally or financially go thru this every time difficult child has an issue. If gal can't trust me to raise difficult child, I can not fight that or change it. If the judge is always going to do what the gal wants, I can't fight that. I could appeal it to a higher court if I knew what all the communication was and the gal didn't convey it correctly.

    My heart is torn to shreads over everything that happened to begin with. Plus, it's me left to deal with still paying restitution and repairs to house. None of them care. They have just told me to go find support. Really? From who? All those people in the system that I'm supposed to be "working with" to support family preservation? Ha!! Well this is it- these are the people that only return a call when they have another order to give me. And I'm supposed to trust them? They don't return a call to psychiatrist and I'm supposed to be the one who believes they are looking out for difficult child's interest better than I am?
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2009
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aww K,
    I hate all of this for you. I hope the court ends up making the right decision. No way should he be with your bro. Gentle hugs.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Isn't it IRONIC that all those agencies that spout HELP - won't touch a kid that has a record......GRRRRRRRR (I SO KNOW WHAT THAT IS ABOUT) made no sense - these kids needed the MOST help - it would seem - but they only want the GOOD bad kids....Know what I mean??

    MAKE SURE the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is accredited - because this is what caused Dude to be so far behind in school. Now doing GED program but it's still hard.

    I don't know whether to say - THE MERRYGO ROUND is slowly winding down or - scream into your pillow.

    Hugs either way
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you! I do appreciate the support. I just don't know how I can hold up thru this. I don't know how I can possibly handle it if my bro is in court next week and I'm being questioned and trashed in front of difficult child and my bro and they turn difficult child over to him. I cannot handle that with any composure whatsoever. I almost wish I'd never called 911 that night. And I swear, I won't feel any more positive about these people if this is not their plan because of what they are putting me thru by knowing what "the plan" is and not telling me and putting me thru this.

    The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) school is accredited but still, it's only about 1/2 day with a couple of hours of art and music "therapy" added to that. I still think it would be more than he got in juvy- that is a joke. And, at this point, I just want him getting thru so he can move on. He had told his own therapist that he felt hopeless because his probation rules included NO method or plan for ever getting off so he thought he would be on probation until he was 18yo. The PO never gave any of us any rules or way to get off probation. It was all so out of hand that I almost think the people in this dept were baiting me to get it brought to a head.
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2009
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K, what day is your court date next week? If you need a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, I am here for you. I hate that you are going through this alone .. typing on this board and getting supportive replies is wonderful, but nothing can compare to a real person being right there. I really wish you'd take me up on that.

    I think at this point, the serenity prayer is about all there is ... to get through each day, each hour, each minute, until the court date comes and something is resolved, one way or the other. The waiting is almost unbearable, I know. Finding a small respite during that waiting is really important ... distraction, laughter, and friends are part of what got me through some very dark times with my difficult children. I have tickets to see the Wailers Sunday night... how about some really good reggae?! :)

    I wish I knew what else to offer you. But my support and prayers, and offer for social distraction, are still here.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just had a phone conference with difficult child's current treatment team. Check this out- the GAL has not returned calls from the psychiatrist there either. He said he had been trying to contact her regarding his opinions on my order for the psychiatric test. (It would go a long way if he tells her that he doesn't see any indication of psychiatric issues, which is what he told me- just that I should get a therapist for stress and be in family therapy with difficult child, and I'm fine with that.)

    They expressed concern that difficult child had no idea where might be going after court and I shared this, also, that I had no idea what to expect either- for all I know they could have my bro there at court to take difficult child. Maybe they are starting to see that these fears are based on the unknown and the unknown is because the people supposedly assigned to look out for difficult child's best interest won't return a call. Also, if the GAL has not been pursuing county assistance for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement (and I was told that I would know if she was) - was she planning on going to court having nothing resolved or was she pursuing dss taking difficult child and placing him with bro? Even though difficult child's current treatment team recommended Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Would she do this based on me not taking the psychiatric evaluation? My gut tells me that isn't it- it might be that she already had decided that she wasn't comfortable with me raising difficult child and if I refused the personality test it worked in her favor, if I took it and any deviation from the norm showed up, that worked in her favor, too.

    Also, the mental health person from our county didn't know anything about who does paperwork or what the paperwork is that is needed for difficult child to be placeed in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). You would think she would, but even though she's a county mental health person, she's actually assigned too the detention center so she's really a Department of Juvenile Justice person, not mental health. Anyway, she said she would check on it today. The psychiatrist told her if she would get the form, fill her portion out and fax it to him, he would sign it as the attending psychiatrist. She then asked him if he was a doctor. (It's becoming clearer all the time why things are so botched with my son. Department of Juvenile Justice people here apparently know NOTHING beside their own typical way of doing things.) This woman is supposed to be a mental health person and difficult child's current, local cm. If she can get that paperwork done and we don't need county funding, it eliminates the need to go to the county meeting that no one would arrange and they wouldn't let me arrange.

    They expressed concern that difficult child's defense attny had not talked with either of them or difficult child. I'll call him today. I told them I had received verbal assurance that medicaid would cover cost and was waiting on something in writing and that the sd had put in writing they would cover the educational costs of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and they had already been in contact with Residential Treatment Center (RTC). They all said "WOW" and complimented me for getting all this done. (pats self on back :) )

    Anyway, I also had an opportunity to remain calm, not defensive, and express my concern about difficult child having it in his head that I would be the one getting into trouble, not him, when/if he was at home and didn't do what he should. I told them that while I understood that court orders and monitoring by probation might be 100% well-intentioned, the outcome is that difficult child knows that the more orders there are, the more the probation officer micro-manages our household and the less control I have in our home and he knows that this probation officer blames me for any of his misbehavior, not him and I find this to be a major problem between difficult child and myself. Fortunately, the local "cm" from detention was still on the phone and heard that, too.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2009