This is very hard on a marriage

[beachbeanb]

Geez. After almost 25 years of marriage...you would think we could weather most everything. I have a wonderful husband and we have always figured things out. But this rough patch with my 16 yo son has done a number on both of us. My husband for the last 6 to 8 years have been on field assignments with work....home about six months gone to parts unknown for the other six. Great money wise...I don't work and have been able to be at home with the kids. It has been hard bur doable. Until last year....ugh beginning 2010....life here got really hard. Lots of conflict, trouble with school, trouble with sketchy new friends...you get the picture.

But the last 4 months have been hell and I have had it. And then add insult to injury when trying to set limits for an unruly teenager...husband comes home and for some reason decides to "be a friend" to my son. In short, takes me out at the knees in the eyes of my son. And now...his field assignment is beginning in a week...off to the wild blue yonder and I am left here trying to deal with a 6'1 angry teen who now thinks that I am the entire problem. Fun...huh?

We are just not really speaking and it is ridiculous but I am just to tired to try and figure it out. Any suggestions on getting this thing back on the tracks?

 

[buddy]

I am single, so no help I am sure. I do see your point though and ultimately, whether the decisions you make for your son are right or wrong in his eyes, consistency and sticking with each other will benefit him and give him security. If he ever feels HE is the cause of you two having problems it may add to his distress and behaviors I would think.

 

[ksm]

I made an appointment for husband and I to see a new therapist - just for us. Not the one that see's difficult child. And during the meeting I pointed out that I felt like I had to play bad cop and he did the good cop routine. Like when difficult child was having a meltdown, he would try to calm her down by being "understanding" on how I got upset easily because I wanted the best for her... blah blah blah. Not really putting me down - but not backing me up, either. That was the first thing the therapist set him straight on. No more good cop for him! And now, he will some times step in when he knows there is going to be a conflict and handle it with out me.

We have been married 28 years - and now raising our adopted grandchildren. Not always fun. KSM

 

[DDD]

I have no answer unless your husband is willing to a joint counseling session. My husband and I have been married 35 years and after raising (not quite finished) eight kids we never got on the same page about parenting. His gut instinct is to avoid conflict and it really is very hard for him to face that part of parenting. Sigh. Our answer is not the answer for you but I am the disciplinarian and he says or does what I request when I need backup. It was the only compromise I could get so that's how we got through the teen years. Somehow it wasn't a problem before that age so I think it is a male bonding issue. Ugh. Good luck and hugs. DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

UGH.

There are way too many layers going on here.
And there is no way you can fix any of them in a week.

But your 16yo is a teenage boy first and foremost.
Which means - he needs really solid male role models and male bonding and real GUY time.
As in, this may well be more important than any other need right now.

I'm guessing husband kinda gets this part of it - but not his role in the whole picture. So, he's trying to "bond" without being around to really bond...

Even if your 16yo was a young lady instead, you would still have the same problem...

Your teenager needs Dad. As in, home MOST of the time. Available to be the heavy when necessary, to put an alternative spin on "Mom-talk" (i.e. same message different words).

Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear with only a week left.
What can be done to get that message through to husband?
And what kind of other supports, processes, etc. need to be put in place?
And what should the medium-term plan be? i.e. probably unrealistic for him to quit before THIS trip away...

{{hugs}}

 

[beachbeanb]

Thanks everyone....I will hang in there!