This Memorial Day weekend marks..

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ThreeShadows, May 29, 2011.

  1. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    the 40th year of the passing of my aunt S and the 30th year of the passing of my beloved aunt and godmother H. They were the eldest and the youngest of my mother's sisters. I am now the eldest in my shrinking family.

    My therapist told me that when one human being loves you when you are a child you will be saved. I am grateful to H. for making me feel special. I have an inkling of what our adopted children might feel. My mother neither liked me nor loved me. What was my fatal flaw that I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

    This Memorial Day I am also remembering my marine father who was seriously injured in WWII. I could watch the shrapnel move up and down his legs, depending on the weather. He suffered often and didn't know when the pain would hit.

    I never know when my pain will hit, despite all my years of therapy.

    I have a piece of shrapnel in my soul, moving around, wondering what was my fatal flaw and why I was never good enough.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Three Shadows,

    You know......In thinking all my life with like minded thoughts - why was I tossed like garbage, why wasn't I good enough, why didn't anyone want me? It was a life altering chain of thoughts that litearally changed my brain chemistry and what I often refer to as brain mapping. The way our brains are formed, or rather the way we form our thoughts over and over and over to the point that this must be the way we are. Concrete thinking, no way to change it. Or I'm so set in my ways. You hear this a lot in older people. Well as I went through my journey in life and in therapy I was often asked these most perplexing questions. Uniquely to my situatin at times I thought - and now sitting back I feel narcissism at it's best [humbled by my own spiritual growth and self enlightment] I'll pose a few of these questions to you because my friend you are hurting, and if you hurt? And I have a simple, logical thought for you to ponder - and never ask - then I hurt to. So here goes.

    What if - the questions that you should ask yourself or should have asked yourself all these years IS NOT - "What is my fatal flaw? Why was I never good enough?" BUT - "What hell was my Mother gonig through that I could not POSSIBLY have understood as a child, for her to be so disconnected from such a wonderful, loving, beautiful, caring, adorable, sweet, kind, thoughtful, pretty, intelligent, whitty, humurous, daughter such as me?"

    This is a much more sensible question that I ask you - and I know this to be true because -
    It is something that I could ask or answer honestly to someone under oath in a court of law.
    It is a question I could ask or tell a child.
    It is something I could ask my best friend as truth. As it is a true statement.

    So dear one - all these years you've been uspet for a reason, it's just a wrong reason. True, your Mother may not have made a connection with you. But it wasn't because you had one fatal flaw dear one, it was because your Mother was ill, and had no way to express this flaw in an appropriate manner to you. Maybe to others, but sadly not to you, and that was not your fault. The sadness you feel is quite in deed mouring loss of what should have been, but my thought is that her sadness now in knowing what should have been is greater and someday there will be an eternity - instead of 60 or 70 years and it will be worked out.

    People always want to put a human condition with a disaster hoping to name it and get closure and sometimes? There just isn't rhyme or reason for insanity like what your Mother suffered from. You're Mom has moved on from the pain - you need to do the same, and know you ARE all the things I said you are and more. You're Mom knew it too- she was just a very ill person who couldn't express it to you.

    I hope this makes sense. I hope you are able to let go of the anger, and the sadness - and really believe what I'm telling you. What life or years you do have left here on this earth? You need to spend watching the smiles on your face and the happy lines around your eyes move up and down - NOT the shrapnel in your heart. Mend it - and bend your smile up.....up.......up. read what I wrote again - because I'm telling you -
    Children are innocents - you were innocent - There could have been 12 kids and for whatever reason - 11 were smiled at and one wasn't but it's still a sickness - and not anything to do with you. No matter what you heard, what was said -

    YOU ARE WONDERFUL and YOU ARE LOVED ,and WEll - that's it - (reread it all) lol

    Hugs -
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    3S there can be so many many reasons a mother doesn't bond with her child, and many of them have little to do with the child at all.

    My sis didn't bond with her youngest, the child she tried for 10 yrs to conceive (so was obviously wanted), due to a nasty bout of postpartum depression that lasted until after her daughter's first birthday. By then, the damage had been done. Sis wasn't mean to her or anything.........just well you could see it wasn't the same with this child as opposed to the other two.

    My mom and I? Well there were several things going on. Her marriage was falling apart, her schizophrenia had her all over the place, her husband was cheating on her left and right, up she pops pregnant again when she can't feed the 4 she has......right after her husband walked out the door to be with his mistress. Who was also pregnant. Then a pregnancy where she was physically sick as well as suicidal........Me born 2 months early, told the survival rate was extremely plan a funeral, not a baby shower.........Me 6-8 wks in the hospital where she waited for the phone call to tell her I passed. Instead she got the call to bring me home, which she was totally NOT prepared for.

    The bond never formed between us either. I think every time she looked at me all that above would flash back into mind. My grandma took over my care when she moved in when I was a baby.......when she moved out when I was 18 months old, I went with her.

    I used to wonder the same things. Why wasn't I good enough? What was wrong with me? Until I was old enough to actually GET the stories of what I listed above.......and what that must have been like for her to live through. Then I just though how sad for the both of us.

    But honestly? I'm the kid that lucked out. I had grandma and my aunt Janet who made up for my lacking in a mother........And because of it, I grew up totally different from my sibs. My kids, in my opinion, have also lucked out due to it, as I KNOW it made me a much better parent than I would've been otherwise.

    Now in my mom's later years we've formed a relationship. Not a mother daughter thing honestly that bond is still not there for either of us. My "mother" passed away when I was 16. And there is not a single day of my life when I don't think of her. But my mom and I are friends now. We get along. We respect each other. We "get" each other.

    So tormenting myself with such questions was futile. It had nothing really to do with me at all. Life happened. And when I look at my kids and I see them with their kids.........I think Life Happened for a reason.

    Star is right.

  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    How heartbreaking. Wow.
    Hugs to everyone.
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Your mother's fatal flaw was herself. Her own inner demons did not allow her to perform a natural intrinsic act, such as love. I know that you know this on a rational cerebral level, however I don't think your soul believes it as the truth. Your soul is the one that still craves a Mommy, and although your mind can always override your soul in rationale - it cannot override your soul in feeling pain.

    The only one that can bring your soul healing is you now. Which means saying affirmative positive things to yourself whenever these feelings occur. Talking to yourself when you hurt just like you would talk to your children when they were little and in pain. You will have to become the Mom you never had, yourself, in order for the healing to begin.

    There are a bunch of books by Louise Hays on healing, and I am reading some of them. They are very good, and they talk about people like you and I who still have shrapnel in our souls. She has some pretty interesting insight on how to heal from it.

    I am sorry this day also marks the death of your aunts and godmother. Death is immortal in a sense - it has no sense of time - it just always is a dark pocket in our soul. Yes, we can move on, and stop grieving - but the loss is still always present. Just today I shed a few tears over my sister, missing her, wanting her. When I miss my sister, I feel like I am reaching for an invisible object - I know I want it - but I can never grasp it. For those moments it feels like I am in the dark trying to find something I lost that was so dear to me that I could not live without it - and yet I know it is gone.

    Many, many hugs -
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I have no words of wisdom...but the beautiful lady I met in Cleveland, with her sparkling eyes and awesome long braid, is a wonderful friend that I wish I could see more often. It wasn't you that had any kind of flaws.

    Many, many hugs.
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I haven't cried on Memorial Day in a long time. I think what set me off was hearing that Fran's mom had died, and feeling envious that she could actually grieve the loss of a loving role model.

    That's what I meant about the shrapnel, I never know when it will move into another place of pain.
  8. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I also realized that eating an entire bag of potato chips did not give me the mother love I was looking for last night...:hammer:
  9. Tourette's Syndrome,

    I'm sending lots of gentle hugs your way. Anniversaries are difficult, but they do pass.

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    ......note to self. (scribbles wildy) potato chips are not a comfort food. Potato chips dipped in chocolate sauce are a contender.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    3Shadows, I was reading your post and thinking of my mom. Right up to the end, while bathing her was I wanting her smile of appreciation. Maybe we never get enough approval from our mothers. I know my mom respected me and depended on me but why the need for me to prove I am special? I tend to think it's me and not a vibe mom sent out. Gives too much power to others for my own well being.

    My mom was sick, she needed help. I have the ability to give that to her. I could have walked away and left it to a favored child but that's doesn't work for me.

    I accept that I'm not the star but I am worthy and valued my mom and siblings. It's ok with me.

    I don't cry crocodile tears because I have no regrets. I(we) did right by her. I will miss her being the touchstone for my siblings and I.
    I'm sorry that you harbor sad feelings but it is good that others showed you that you are loved. Why can't those feelings of love counterbalance the negative that seemed to come from mom?

    Hugs, I saw a beautiful, sensitive woman when I met you almost a year ago. I hope you see it too.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I just wanted to comment on how powerful your statement is fran. And it is not just moms, but dads as well.
    How intense it is that we so need our parents approval, no matter what.
    All I wanted from my dad as he passed was for him to say that he was proud of me . He never did.
    I sorta felt he was....but I needed the words.
    That will always be a loss, yet, I also know who I am and what I am meant to be, regardless of parental input.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    I cannot possibly add to the wisdom expressed here. I just wanted to add my hugs and tell you how grateful I am that you are here. I always appreciate your perspective on things. You are MORE than good enough. You are amazing, wondeful and beautiful and we are all blessed by having you in this family.
  14. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Just wanted to say that I am astonished that this thread did not die sooner. Typical of me, I am feeling sheepish about it.

    Fran I hope I did not hurt you, mentioning your mother's passing. You ask why the love coming from others is not sufficient. The only way I can explain it is that when a little child feels unworthy of her mother's love she feels unworthy of God's love. Mother and God are all powerful in the eyes of someone just starting out in life.

    I will shut my big mouth and take the advice I always give to husband: get thee to a CBT specialist!!!
  15. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    3S, I understand. I think lack of mother love in early childhood is a wound that leaves an indelible print and that is emotionally extremely hard to shift. However much you rationally understand that it wasn't to do with you; this just seems to be the way we are wired.
    I think there is some mileage in opening yourself to compassion, if that is the word, for your mother, in the sense that you see her lack of love, and the reasons to do with her that must have lain behind it, and allow it to be, and see your pain and allow it to be. Allow the tears to flow. We can't bypass the pain, nor should we even try, really. You suffer because you have a human heart. What is worse is not to suffer, to block off from feelings of pain.
  16. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    3 S, don't be sheepish. You felt something and you posted. Isn't that what the forums are for? The fact that so many responded indicates that it is a common experience. Wouldn't you have felt bad if no one posted in response?

    I wasn't offended at all. I thought it was totally appropriate.
    You are such a sensitive dear that I hate to hear you be so hard on yourself.