This must be how it feel to split with- reality

[Steely]

Here is a letter I just wrote to the latest place M is at.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi T

We have spoken several times about my son M who just arrived at E last Thur. I am currently needing some reassurance that Mis OK since I have had no communication since Thur. with him or with B, the counselor.

I am under an amazing amount of stress, as my only sister just died in an accident a couple of months ago. Matthew, my only son, and me his only guardian for his 18 years, was then placed at TA Ranch where they realized last week that he could not stay because of his age. He was then transferred to your wilderness program. I really need to know and believe he is OK, somehow, as I feel, at this point, completely traumatized and as if I have not only lost my sister, but also my son.

I know I need to write the impact letter as the first letter.........but I was just wondering how long that all takes to get to him, and then how long it takes for him write back to me. I guess I just really need to hear from him, just to know he is still there, and OK.

And I guess I also need someone else to tell me how he is doing, etc. Can you help me with any of this? I don't really understand when I will hear from M, or about him - and I really, really need to be able to do that.

~~~~~~~~~~
I am finding myself in a really dangerous place. Split from me, my identity, my soul. I wander mostly when I am at home, and when I am work I am angry and unhappy that I have to work for such a stupid company. H is dead, M is gone, my parents have been gone from a month, and I feel like I am slipping down into a far away distant place - far away from where my soul usually lives. I need a touch, a hug, a letter, a phone call - some reassurance that M is alive, because now I feel like M and H are one.

And I want to quit my job and never return. ever. 3 times in a week I almost have, except I am so worried about the economy and that if I quit I will end up poor and end the streets. Oh well, then I would just wander to Utah, and start over.

I just got an email asking me what M's favorite birthday cake is, so the wilderness team can celebrate his 18th birthday with him in a week. Now I really can't stop crying. I can't send presents, or even talk to him.

Thanks for listening. I am going to work to enjoy the repetition of doing their mind numb tasks, with out any appreciation or recognition for being their grunt. I know, where is my freaking violin. I sure need one today.

 

[everywoman]

Steely, I am so sorry you continue to suffer from such sadness and despair. I wish something I could say would help. Could you possibly be transfered to another store within the company??? Hopefully you will hear from M soon.

 

[trinityroyal]

Steely,
My heart breaks for you reading this. I'm so very sorry for your suffering. I hope you hear soon about how M is settling in, so that you can be reassured he's fine. Sending you strength and love, and saying prayers for you.

Trinity

 

[amazeofgrace]

<<<HUGS>>>> sweetie I can't even imagine how you're feeling, I wish I were closer.

 

[meowbunny]

I do remember those lost days when my daughter was at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC), especially in the beginning and on holidays. You're right, you do feel disconnected -- the person you've been struggling to save is now being "saved" by someone else (at least that's your hope).

Where my daughter was, there was no communication between us for the first month. I did force her counselor to keep me informed. I was so lost. I would sit on her bed and hold her favorite stuffie and just sob into it. Night after night. After one month, it was one 5 minute phone call a week and then only if she'd earned it. She was supposed to write me weekly but never did. I did write her daily. One visit a month, if earned. It almost killed me. The only way I got through it was to remind myself that she needed more help than I could give her. I was doing this to save her from herself. That's what you're doing for Matt.

I don't know how to help you separate your fears of M and H. I don't think any of us can. You're going to need a good grief therapst to help with that. Sadly, your emotions were still too raw from H's death to really cope with the separation from M. Single parenthood can really bite -- we're just too connected to our kids!

As to your job, you're right. Right now is not the time to quit. Starting over is not as easy as it once was. People aren't leaving their jobs -- at least not those that pay a living wage. So, moving to a new city and getting a job really is pretty difficult in these economic times. Look hard for a new job but grit your teeth and stick with this one until you find a new one.

HUGS!

 

[susiestar]

Sweetie,

I cannot even imagine how lost you feel. I know I felt a small part of it when my son was in a psychiatric hospital, but even then I never was out of touch with him. So I can't say I know how you feel, I certainly don't.

But PLEASE try to believe that things will eventually get better. It will take time, a LONG time. M may need the wilderness program to help HIM deal with H's death, and with his other problems. Please tell yourself that you ARE LOVED, because we all love you here.

We are ALL sending strength and support and hope to you. Know that you are loved, and that you have NOT been forsaken.

Love,

susie

ps. The letter to the program was very good, in my opinion.

 

[KTMom91]

Steely...hugs. I don't know what else to say.

 

[nvts]

Steely! Please go back to the old posts where Janet and the others gave you things to do when you start feeling this way. You've got to try. They helped you when they first posted them and they'll help you now.

If anything, you have to try and view this "down-time" as a rebirth of some kind.

Deeply, deeply read the words you've written. You've been so entrenched for your entire life helping, saving, protecting and loving people who've needed you, needed you, needed you, that you've lost Steely the Woman and had to be Steely the Barbarian.

Go do stupid but relaxing things. Go on a horseback ride, go to the local adult education program and enroll in something silly (pottery, go back to being a kid and play in the mud). You need to rediscover Steely the individual. And I hate to say this because I in no way want to make you upset, now you have the opportunity. M is being cared for, Mom and Dad are traveling and H. is waiting for the crooked pot/coffee mug/vase to be sculpted by you so she can laugh on her cloud.

Do this for yourself. Don't you think you deserve a touch of the silver lining for a change?

We love you and want what's best for you (and you know that deep down!).

Beth

 

[Fran]

Steely, I think you are close to a breakdown.

You must allow someone permission to act as your advocate and help you get help and protection. Pick someone now and talk to them about checking on you and making sure they can take you to the ER. It's crucial if you continue to feel split from reality and have no stability in your own life. It's been a long downward spiral based of life circumstances but this is undermining your emotional well being. I can hear you screaming for help but we can't do what you need.

Tell your psychiatrist how you feel and find a safe person who can watch out for your well being. We will continue to be here to listen and support and suggest.

Obviously I'm just a mom so take the input or not. It's just my .02.

 

[Steely]

I do feel headed for a breakdown, but I don't know what to do. I am going to my counselor in an hour - but sometimes I don't think she realizes how serious I feel. I pray she has some concrete advice, and quickly, because I feel for the first time in my life, might I need intervention.

 

[Fran]

Steely, just tell her what you have said to us.

 

[Lothlorien]

How was the therapy session today?
Did you impress on her how you are feeling?

 

[Steely]

Yes, she said that I really need to come there twice a week. Which I agree with. The reality is that there are few touchstones in my life, now that H and M are gone, yet she is one of them for me. So I will go twice a week, and hope that helps. I know she respects me and hesitates on hospitalization for me because of my past childhood trauma with that. So I think she wavers on what to do sometimes, as do I.

Some moments I am fine, others, especially in the mornings, I feel like I am gonna crack. Right now I am OK.

She also gave me some really good, concrete suggestions for what to do with work, and that made me feel a lot better.
So, let's hope.

 

[Lothlorien]

I'm glad you are a little better. You sound like you have a good working knowledge of what's happenng to you. Don't hesitate to call for help if you feel worse.

 

[witzend]

I'm glad that you are feeling stronger about what to do with work, and that you have a good relationship with your therapist. Please do take care of yourself.

 

[susiestar]

I am glad you have a good therapist, one who is a touchstone for you. I know you had bad experiences with hospitalizations due to childhood abuse. To help minimize trauma, make sure you have a phone number for a patient representative for any facility you adn your therapist think might be a possibility if you need to be inpatient. Having that info NOW might make it easier for you to handle things and make decisions about what treatment you may need.

Still sending tons of love and support.

 

[TerryJ2]

Steely, I am so glad you went to counseling.
And more than glad that you will be going 2X a wk.
I would be reading and rereading that birthday cake email over and over again. You ask in your ltr how to keep in touch, but they have just been in touch with-you. That is a small, but significant gift. Hang onto it. Reply to it (I am assuming you did). I know it's not enough for you but it is something.
{{hugs}}

 

[Wiped Out]

Steely,
Nothing to add, just wanted you to know I'm still praying.