This seems so hopeless

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 27, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Maybe I am just nuts but I feel so set up. I thought my therapist appointment was this morning but it's a little later today. The mst guy is supposed to call me mid-afternoon to see what I decided about the psychiatric evaluation. I've been reading up about the test he said I'm listed for. It is used for checking criminals and in custody cases and insurance claims. It is not supposed to be used for diagnosis'ing and is supposed to be used in conjunction with an assessment by discussing things with the court-ordered person. However, it looks like that doesn't always happen and it won't happen in this case, based on what mst guy said.

    Anyway, given the fact that the gal had spoken many times to my half-bro in the past, when he was trying to get custody and putting seeds of doubt in her mind about me, given the fact that she said she was calling dss in as another option to try to get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but dss cannot place difficult child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or foster care, they must place him with a family member when one is available and dss said she would make sure the gal knew that, given that only leaves me working thru county team to get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and gal has not responded to that (I need her efforts or PO's efforts) so the gal and po are knowingly making it impossible for me to get difficult child into Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and the gal has not returned a single call since court, dss only spoke with me to tell me that she is going to contact my bro this week and run ads in papers as required for difficult child's father, it makes it pretty clear to me that gal wants difficult child placed with my half-bro.

    Having me take the test was not pursued so we would be given a chance to work thru therapy. If that was the case, 1) these people would be communicating with me and not purssuing my bro until I proved that I would not work thru therapy, 2) they wouldn't be looking to place difficult child in a state that's so far away that it's impossible to work at family therapy with the goal of difficult child returning home, 3) if the gal didn't already have her mind made up, she would have waited to see results of the test or at least wait to see if I refused the test before having dss call my bro.

    So, why did they order this test, when we all know that they are already aware that I'd been to therapy before and go off and on my whole life? Actually, there were a few people who knew I was already seeing a therapist and I have a feeling that gal already had heard about it from psychiatrist. So why did gal want me to have this test, knowing that it would show something but already pursuing my bro and closing the only opportunity I had to get difficult child into Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Because the test results showing that I have issues would serve as more evidence that difficult child should be taken from me. If she was looking for the healthiest person to take difficult child, she would have asked for the test to be done on both me and my bro, as is typical when used in custody cases. If she just wanted to make sure that I got into therapy and worked things out with difficult child, she could have asked for that to be ruled and it would have been- there was no need to call in dss for that. The gal knows my bro lives too far away for us to work thru things to have difficult child return home and she knows that my bro would never have reunification as the goal anyway.

    The psychiatrist had said at a team meeting that difficult child wants to work on a better relationship with me and that he loves me and they could tell that I love difficult child very much. But, since psychiatrist and gal have spoken privately several times, I'm a little paranoid now about who to trust and not trust. No one suggested anything to me about removal of custody prior to this last court, so even if I could have afforded it, I had no idea that an attny for myself might be needed. I can't believe that this is the SAME thing gal did 2 years ago and I had to spend thousands of dollars for a custody case as a result. But last year, the court ended up with the judge and gal asking questions to make sure that I was protecting difficult child from my family. I can't believe this.

    Do you think for 1 second that if difficult child goes there and pulls a knife on my bro that the result from the authorities will be my bro taking a psychiatric evaluation? They all know that this was not an incident where difficult child and I were arguing or that I was abusing him or anything else that could/would trigger a kid to escalate to that level of anger or impulsive outburst.

    Does anyone see this adding up any other way? The dss worker who was working on medicaid for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) never even called me back.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2009
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Please read my post on your other thread. Honestly, I think you need to try getting therapist to step up to the plate
    and help you resolve your fears on "the test". Not even God can solve all the "possibilities" in this complex issue.
    Take one step at a time and just focus on therapist and the
    test or letter today. Hugs. DDD
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! I'm sorry I'm not too "up to date" on your situation, but I was digging around and thought that this link might provide you someone to talk to:

    It had a lot of Virginia advocate information (most were free) and they may be able to help. Also, try and track down if you have anything locally called "Community Resources". Invaluable group!

    It looked like they had a lot of information.

    I'm sorry I can't find anything more right now, the lil' one is hollering, but I'll try and dig up some more dirt later!

    Rattling beads here!

  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I know you mentioned to them before this court date about possibly giving up custody, didn't you? Perhaps they're simply preparing for that possibility by getting all their ducks in a row, since they are required to attempt placement with a family member if that happens.

    I hope the appointment with your therapist helps today.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hey, Crazy! I had put uin a form before to talk with dss about a temporary parental placement. That would be a parental plaacement into either Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or foster care. I pulled it after difficult child was arrested a few weeks ago, before the meeting even took place. I put it in because I was being told that I couldn't put difficult child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) even if I had funding for it due to him being on probation, so I was trying to find some acceptable option. That type of placement is obviously different than courts taking a kid and sending him several states away. What I had done was brought out in court and they knew this was during the period of me trying to get difficult child into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or therapeutic foster care, as a parental placement but that I had pulled that.
  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Dear Klmno: I commend you on your attention to the details and your vigilance at researching each thing to be certain that it is in your childs best interest. I think that in any process to look at your family this is one of the matters that does demonstrate that you are actively and appropriately securing the parental consent for a minor.
    The fact that to receive what your child, or any child, needs there has to be some crissis is the feature that is the one I dislike about the current means for getting children the psyc help and families the services to shepard children to the opitimum care specific to their need.
    I am hoping that in your state the parental rights you have would allow you to prevent placement in another state or county if you challenge such a move.
    Clearly as a parent you do care deeply and have done much trying to get for your son and yourself the appropriate care for these conditions.
    As a single parent I do know how readily when a mother is challenged by the behavior issues of a child the knee jerk responce of others is to look at someone else in the family. The message is that somehow the effectiveness of the mother is such that she is inadiquate, when in reality the child presents such and overwhelming set of issues that any switching around of local is just not helpful. If your half-brother were someone who took time out of his life to be there for your son and you befor now and was involved and helpful, clearly the two of you would have already devised a means for YOU TO GET SOME REST.
    When I read your posts I am so aware of how exhausting what you are facing with him in the home and also trying to whined your way through the system and make a result that is in his best interest.
    I do not have any new ideas for you, but I send my admiration for your tenacity and your unflappable devotion to your child.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Feedback from therapist: she's writing a letter- I can choose to turn it in or not. She said I appeared worn, unhealthy, defensive, angry, and paranoid/untrusting of the system. (i hope she's not putting that in her letter. LOL!) Now, I happen to think this is the result of the system and difficult child issues and exactly why I don't think I can take any more "system requirements" right now, but she said they are probably seeing these things as the cause, not the effect. I personally don't see hiow they could, given that I didn't start out this way when they first started "helping us" and surely they would know that any parent is not going to be bouncing around happy with the current situation and the way they don't seem to be trying to cooperate with what I'm advocating for. But, anyway, ok- she's probably right. She said it still didn't add up though and she thinks they must have some fear that she simply isn't seeing. She said they are acting more like when they are worried that a parent is an abuser, neglecter, or REALLY bad role model. She said it could be lack of money- that they don't want to pay for difficult child to be somewhere.

    Then, she said it looks like their goal is to place difficult child with my bro and in order to be in compliance with the law, they have to give me a certain period of time to "earn back" difficult child so this test and ultimate treatment plan would be the basis of me doing that beofre they determined termination of complete parental rights. difficult child would be living with my bro during that time period. Now, I could understand that if it had been me that assualted difficult child, but I don't get it for difficult child assaulting me. I wanted him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so he could earn his right to come back home, I sure never expected it would turn into me having to earn him back. And, I asked how, if they are worried about our relationship, are we supposed to do that long distance, especially when my bro would never support reunification efforts. She said that dss sometimes claims to be working that way- as if they have a plan- but I was preaching to the choir about how unfeasible and futile that is.

    She asked several times about what they might be worried about- any previous trouble (no), any drugs (no), any allegations of abuse or neglect (no). Hmmm...then something isn't adding up. the only thing they have mentioned (and this was almost in passing) is that difficult child continues (every year like clockwork) to have difficulties with the law and needing psychiatric hospital, so it must be me or my issues causing it. She just said well, maybe my bro accused me of something I'm not aware of or maybe they are seeing some concern that she's not seeing-unless they are worried about difficult child hurting me. I can tell you- I didn't see any indication at all that they were holding difficult child accountable for any of this.

    They also mentioned "role model" (2 county people who don't know me), but again, I've never been arrested and obviously have not done the things difficult child does- ever. The mst guy said "well, then maybe it's an issue of being a role model for getting therapy"- ok- I'm in therpay. He said does difficult child know? I said yes- difficult child has sat in waiting room before while I go.

    I have a call into county people to see if there's any way that I can get the needed form completed to place difficult child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) myself if the judge were to allow it- I think I can get something in writing regarding education and medical/boarding funding before court date. It won't be approved, I'm sure, as I can't see a judge ever going with what a parent wants instead of what a gal wants. But, at least difficult child would know that I tried and they would all know that I was trying to follow what psychiatrist recommended in writing. If psychiatrist told the gal something else that I'm not aware of, I can't help that. The judge, though did say that Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s just keep kids until medicaid funding runs out- it appeared that she wasn't too impressed with Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s. Well, I'm sure it's not a magic cure, but it does ensure that difficult child would have more time with a psychiatrist, therapy, and family therapy, that will not be there if he's in my bro's home. So, why wouldn't they consider that to be a better option?

    I recall that yesterday during the conference call with current treatment team, I said I didn't know who the sw was that was assigned and had not been contacted about any of that. I said I hoped they weren't looking to place difficult child somewhere else because it could lead to difficult child going to my bro. (This is before I spoke with the sw and heard that it what is happening.) psychiatrist said, oh, don't worry, if they place difficult child outside your home, they will work with you for you to get him back home. I said they won't if he goes to my bro- he lives several states away and would never want reunification. Thinking back on it, it would be like this gal to tell psychiatrist not to worry, there is a wonderful family member where difficult child can go live with- and never mention how far away he is, the history involved there, or anything else. And these peoples' ideas of "working with you" are a whole lot different than mine when the reality is that you end up with a handful of court orders and threats to comply and being micromanaged by someone with less experience than you do in life while living feeling like you are backed in a corner with an ax over your head and if you don't bow and plead and jump, they won't even return your call. And when they finally notice that you aren't holding up too well, they give you more, because you know, you don't look too good, you're angry, and untrusting and depressed.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2009
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Sounds perfectly normal to me....
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    SW returned my call. That was a good sign. I told her that I didn't want anyone thinking that I was trying to sneak and do anything but based on written recs from psychiatrist and what was said in court, I am still trying to get what is needed for parental placement into Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I said I know that the judge will order what the gal recommends, but I feel I must pursue what I feel is in difficult child's best interest and what his treatment team recommends, if for no other reason than to let difficult child know that I tried with everything in my power.

    She said she had no idea what gal's goal was and that she had gotten tied up in meetings all day and had not been able to pursue gal or anything else pertaining to this case. She said I did need to understand though that the law requires her to place difficult child with a family member when possible and not ever place a child directly into another type of residential placement. I said I understood where she's coming from, but then what can be done if this is for medical/psychiatric purposes, recommemded by a psychiatrist because current place is not long term, and the child needs more psychiatric care than can be provided on an outpatient basis, plus he needs some consequences and we need family therapy. Do they really think sending him to someone else's home out of state is the answer? She said she better talk to gal and find out what she's wanting. (DUH)

    She said that state juvy would provide the same care (who is she kidding) and that she was going to talk to PO about this, too, and would call me Mon after talking with gal and po and that she would relay my info to gal.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Worn, unhealthy, etc. sounds normal to me, too, given the number of hoops you've been expected to jump through. I wish I had some ideas. I really hate that this is happening to you.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    It sounds like juvy might be a better option at this point than sending him to your brother's. Maybe you can get a counselor to go with you for visits/family therapy???
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, his psychiatrist has already determined that juvy would be a detriment for difficult child- he's suicidal. The sw doesn't know that part yet- she was running short of time and probably really only returned my call that late on a friday afternoon because on my message I said "I am about to pursue something but want to make sure nobody takes it as me sneaking and going behind anyone's back". :D

    If psychiatrist changes that determination, it's definitely worth considering- especially now that judge made it clear that she's not just going to revoke his suspended sentence to state juvy, necessarily, she could ( and would consider) the local detention. There is a big difference- state juvy is like prison, is worse for his record, and is about as rough as an adult male prison.

    Fortunately (I think) this is the same sw who was involved 2 years ago. She started out then hammering me and I was so scared I said I'd need to talk to an attny. Just because gal had her called to assess the family (this is not an investigation like a parent has been accused- it is an assessment to make sure there's nothing going on at home that could be causing difficult child issues). Anyway, she didn't explain that- she made it sound like they were getting ready to whisk difficult child away. This was after his prozaac was doubled and he went bizerk. I spoke to an attny and wrote out pages and pages of all I had done re. difficult child. I took her a pile full of info including his neuropsychologist testing, diagnosis, my documentation, etc. She's the one that ended up saying that I was already doing more than this county or state could do for difficult child. But, the process stirred my bro into filing for custody. This is why, when I testified last year and difficult child wasn't there, I hit on a few frustrations with the gal. Namely, she makes assumptions and doesn't look into things before going to court recommending something, that she was supposed to have been helping me get difficult child more help but had spent the year scrutinizing me instead, and that she handled things in a way that stirred up a lot of unneccessary stuff that pulled families apart instead of in a way that improved situations. I see she hasn't changed.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2009
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Do you feel that therapist's offer is reasonable? DDD
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am concerned that they kept using the term "role model. I have to wonder if they are thinking that a young and troubled teenaged boy needs a "MALE ROLE MODEL" and that is why they are looking to your brother. -RM
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yes- for right now and based on the details. I started seeing her at the end of last year. That might seem like a long enough period of time to get to my issues, but it has been one difficult child crisis after another so instead of me even giving her the details about my history with therapy, concerns, etc, we've always ended up talking about the current crisis. So, she offered to get into more detail in her letter but I asked her not to because I don't think it could be too accurate and I don't want to end up with an order for something that is based on an incomplete assessment. I asked her to just keep it basic and simple.

    She does know the "major" stuff about my history and knows that I've been to therapy before to work on stuff. We just haven't gotten into type of therapy, where I got in the process, specificaly how this plays out in my life. Shoot, I haven't even decided yet that she's the right therapist to deal with those things until we start going through that. Basicly, the therapy I had a long time ago was VERY effective and I need a therapist who can start with that. If I get one that wants to re-invent the wheel, so to speak, I will run. LOL!! I will seek another one though.

    She didn't encourage me not taking the test, but did seem to understand and agree where this was leading and realized that I'm not just trying to be defiant, when I asked her to write a letter. Besides knowing how PO is, which I guess is just her personality and being used to working with people who don't do anything without being ordered, I have a big problem with someone else trying to dictate and control any treatment plan for me. My previous ttherapist taught me that control and repsonsibility go hand in hand. If my mental health is my responsibility, then I'll be darned if I can ever go along with someone else taking control of it. It was a pretty intensive therapy that I had and the therapist told me to make sure that if I ever got back into all those issues again, to make sure the therapist was taking the same approach or else it could leave me worse than how I started to begin with. I whole-heartedly agree with that, even now. But, I'm not so sure that all my previous issues need to be revisited. I just think that maybe there are some ways that they are still effecting me and therefore, maybe they are effecting my parenting. I don't think so, but I want to be sure. And, there is the obvious current depression and anxiety so I would feel more comfortable having someone address these things who can understand better where I'm coming from. The initial plan and agreed upon idea was to cover some of these things, then integrate into some family therapy with difficult child and his therapist. My therapist used to be difficult child's therapist (before this incident) supervisor but they don't work together anymore.

    Sorry- I wrote a lot more than I needed to. The other thought- it appears that I could advocate for difficult child coming home now, with PO and in home therapist. But, I won't (unless I have a BIG) change of heart. Even though this is the Department of Juvenile Justice road to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (which probably would never really lead there), it leaves us back where we were, except worse, as far as stress and court orders and on top of it, now they would be ordering a specific therapist for a specific therapy for me that would be based on one written test and nothing else. When they tried this with mst guy, they talk like they are so reasonable, if you can't meet at a certain time one week, you automatically hear about the court order and noncompliance, and so forth. It's ridiculous.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hey, RM. I hope not- my bro is not the least bit a typical male role model. He's gay and not that necessarily means much by itself, but let's just say, I and other people have taken difficult child fishing, cub scouts, typical "guy" stuff. My brother never liked these things, doesn't do these things, and has never done any of these things ONE time with difficult child. He's only seen difficult child about a total of 10 times his entire life. My bro is one who does not get the parenting idea at all- he just wants to be difficult child's big buddy. Actually, he just wants to say he's raising a child. He'll never have one and he and his SO were not allowed to adopt because of being homosexual. I have a lot more concerns about my bro raising difficult child than that though- a basket full.

    I kind of wondered, later, if maybe they were concerned about difficult child smoking cigs because I smoke and he held the knife at me to get cigs. But, really, it would take a pretty dysfunctional person to think the biggest problem in that scenario is that I smoke, in my humble opinion.

    Also, that obviously is something difficult child needs- a male role model. When I was trying to get in home services, before Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or instead of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if that couldn't be provided, I asked for a therapeutic mentor for difficult child who could spend time with him on homework and recreation after school hours. (That also would supervise difficult child so I could work more hours.) See how many issues that addresses and could really relieve some stress and help difficult child? Nope- they won't give that. It is available- for people getting services paid for by mental health dept., but not for people getting services paid for by Department of Juvenile Justice. So is repsite. I asked for a mental health cm, too, instead of the PO automatically being the cm, just because he's on probation. No go on that too. Why? because difficult child is on probation and this allows Department of Juvenile Justice to monitor what he gets and how he progresses. Ok, but what if it's actually standing in the way of what he needs? If this doesn't do it, then he should be in detention (according to PO). So, I ask judge to release difficult child from probation so I could get him more services. I doubt they are going to do that.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2009
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I just wanted to jump in and give you a ((((hug))))

    hang in there, your doing a great job. sorry i haven't been around.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well if all they want is a role model...tell them you can provide that. 6 foot 5 , 24 year old former Marine, now ACO.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    any chance he'll show up in court and tell the judge he'll "show difficult child a better way"? JK!

    I should add- my commitment to myself in all this is that I am going to take control of my life and house back (even if I have to move). That means I'm not allowing difficult child OR PO to control it. PERIOD
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2009
  20. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    heck, he can get a Big Brother if a role model is needed. Youngest had a Big Sister for awhile. It did help with some issues.. until the Big Sister died of breast cancer. Another loss for Youngest.

    Juvy does NOT provide [adequate] psychiatric treatment. Nada. Zilch. Who is she kidding, indeed.