this will either break her or phobia

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Oct 7, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    sorry i'm on this so much lately. yet we can't afford therapy for me we gotta save as much as we can for the hotel, and i spent a bit of money on easy child since home with going out to eat. trying to make her feel special, etc.

    difficult child didn't eat tonight. she's back on solids. she missed visitation with-her father. she has no cell phone, no labtop, no ipod, no nothing. just herself and her thoughts.

    way i see it this will either break her phobia somewhat or break her. she's super medicated so i don't know what they'll give her if she has panic attack.

    i just keep telling myself this will turn soon, soon it will begin to be on the road to recovery. tomorrow is the 9th day there. each day seems like an eternity to me as i'm sure it does for her.

    i am literally mustering every ounce of strength i have not to go there and grab her out. me and myself are fighting right now a whole lot. i know the logical me will win. yet the thought of her at only 11 sitting there crying, lost, etc. without any communication to me at all is frightening to her and me also. how will she cope with this all of this?

    i'm trying to leave nurses alone i think ex h hassled them alot tonight. i know in my heart if i was there they would of let me in, my approach is much calmer and more sane. i purposely stayed away tonight.

    tmrw i go back to the hotel.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Jena - I know you're worried sick and beyond, and I think you need to pat yourself on the back - this has been incredibly difficult for you, but you've kept her bests interests at heart, have been a really good advocate for her, and have gotten her the best help you can find.

    I know that you want to be there and in contact with her but I think it actually might not be a bad thing that she can't contact you right now. She's 11, and this is her treatment. She needs to focus on that, and that alone. I can't say this without it sounding harsher than I mean, and I apologize, but I think it's not a bad thing for her to be out of her comfort zone. She's certainly old enough to start working on some insight into her problem, as well as ownership of it. She has to address this.

    I'm actually pretty surprised at the amt of contact this facility allows. Even when my kid was only 6, contact when he was inpatient was limited to 3 visiting days and monitored phone calls. I was a basket case at the time, but having the luxury of hindsight, I think it was a good policy. Parents can be distractions. Not intentionally, but these kids are our very heart, and I think it's sometimes impossible for us to resist or even recognize that we need to resist the temptation to rescue our kids.

    You cannot fix this for her. Staff can't either. As a team, you all can support her and guide her and help *her* to work on this, but she is the one who in the end has to do the work.

    Hang in there.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i won't go get her. trust me. i won't break. i just struggle at times. but i wont'.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    slsh you are 100% right. seperation is desperately needed, she needs to be corner, find her own strength, her own way with this. i can't fix her anymore. she needs to be cornered, left alone with-her own thoughts. let's see what shes made of, what she can do when left alone, choices she can make. this is truly on her now. medications are in place, staff is supportive, therapy is in place.
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    forgive me for not being around to add my support to you during this ordeal. I think you're doing great and I'm cheering you on from this end. Big hugs of strength and courage.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I can hear your heartbreak in your post. I think that you are doing the right thing by leaving her in treatment. I'm new here, so I don't know the full extent of her situation, but it sounds like she is in the best place possible for her right now.

  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    she needs to be cornered, left alone with-her own thoughts. let's see what shes made of, what she can do when left alone,

    Yes, I think that's what the docs are after. Fingers crossed. I'm sending thoughts of strength to all of you.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how hard this is because I am another one who put a younger one in a residential facility. Jamie went in at 6 or 7, I cant remember anymore exactly how old he was but he was so morose he needed to get away. Cory was in wilderness camp for the first time at 11 for 16 months. They allowed nothing but letters other than the visitation days that were planned. If I am remembering it right, he got one 4 hour visit with parents on campsite in the middle of a 5 week session then they came home for a 4 day weekend. Then returned to camp for the next 5 weeks.

    I think the absence of parents was a good thing myself. Made the kids bond together and work on their problems.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i had to go back to this tonight to read all of this. i drove out tonight to go see her and i couldn't. i wont' be able to see her till sunday and that's if she completes her meals. their taking a harsher approach because she isnt' folding. this is a nitemare. what is this kid thinking??? i hate that i can't get into her head. i'm all mixed up on my thoughts about their approach right now. they said she was told she wouldnt' see me tonight or tmrw because she couldn't finish and she cried and said but i tried.

    i'm really lost in this right now. i know i'm annoying because each day i'm confused about their approach. it's so involved. i really need some clarity.

    dr. said she's manipulating. she can finish she did it the other night. we have to push her now hard because she isn't progressing at all and it's almost 2 weeks. i told him he's got one day with-this approach that's it. so now it's complete within 90 min or lose visitation. so tmrw other parents will be there to see there kids and she'll be alone. i just dont' know anymore.

    i put another post up.i know i know i'm so terribly annoying right now. but i'm all alone in this. i can't cal my mom anymore she's a mess over this crying all day long. husband is at work as usual.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I understand the distress, but your mum "crying all day long" is NOT useful to anyone. You need support right now; if anyone has the right to cry all day long, it's you. Although I repeat - it serves no purpose.

    I get the impression that emotional expression is being used here as a form of communication as well as a way to say, "I have a [competitive] right to be upset by this." Not healthy, it's as if, instead of stepping up to the plate with practical support, people are falling apart here and there as if to prove how much they care. If this is the case, it is NOT healthy, because it encourages the very problems you are fighting, in difficult child - it encourages her to develop problems as a means to elicit a show of concern for her.

    When my sister J was desperately ill earlier this year, things happened fast. I had spoken to her (along with each of my other sisters) to let her know about my breast cancer diagnosis. I needed my sisters to be alerted to the fact that if their baby sister has developed cancer, then they need to be extra vigilant. My sister J was a bit breathless when we spoke but did not tell me she was not well. A few days later, just after my surgery, J was rushed to hospital and within hours had to be sedated and put on a ventilator. We were told she was dying and there was no hope. I already had a lot to deal with - recovering from cancer surgery - but my sister was at death's door. Of course we dropped everything and drove to visit her.
    Because she was so ill, we were not encouraged to visit without checking the family visiting schedule. Besides, although she would recognise us while we were there, she would have no memory of our visit (thanks to the type of sedation). Did we cry. I think so - but not to the point where we were useless and unable to support one another. We talked to each other, we rang each other up, we organised visits and met to discuss strategy (even when there was nothing we could do - we still pooled knowledge and tried to find ways to help).

    My sister was dangerously ill, we were literally expecting to have a funeral within the week. But if we had fallen apart, what good would it have done J? Or her family? When we visited, we needed to put smiles on and urge her to keep fighting.

    The time to fall apart, is under controlled conditions and when you have done your duty as a family member. Nobody has the right to wallow in misery and hang crepe, just because someone they love is in crisis. Too much energy gets wasted in needless misery.

    OK, maybe this is a cultural difference here - maybe I'm out of line. But I think, Jena, you need to get away from the emotional overload in this so you can think more clearly and focus on practicalities. I'm not saying you shouldn't cry - of course you can, if you need to. Those long car trips when you're alone in the car give you opportunity. But don't let it slow you down. And anyone else who is so distraught that not only are they not functioning but they are interfering with your ability to function (and this includes not supporting you when it would be expected tat they would be there for you) - then either keep your distance from them, or tell them to cut it out, pull their heads in and get practical. If you can keep going, then so should they. This is not a competition in who displays the most grief. You need practical support and histrionics do nobody any favours.

    Sadly, I know too many people who do use histrionics as a means to show how much they care. I loathe it. Too often, there is also a falseness to it. It reminds me of a woman I know who wanted me to work on a project with her earlier this year. I did not want to be involved and had to repeatedly tell her that I needed to cut back on my obligations because of my cancer treatment. She immediately became distraught (even though I had told her about it several times) and expressed utter desolation about my diagnosis. I reminded her I'd told her already, she said, "I must have been so upset, I blocked it out."
    Yeah, right. I replied (politely, despite temptation) that since I was the one facing cancer, I would perhaps be expected to be more likely to be in such extreme denial; and yet here I was, facing it all and rolling up my sleeves to get on with it. So if I could, then so should everyone else. Forget the fuss - what do we DO!?

    You are entitled to be upset. So is your mother. But I don't think it is right to let grief get so out of hand, especially now difficult child is safe and getting some level of help (even if you have concerns that they haven't made much progress - at least she is not in immediate danger of starvation or dehydration). If difficult child had gone missing and nobody knew where she was, or if there were grave fears for her safety, or her life - then yes, some level of "I'm in tears, I can't cope," would be understandable. Briefly.
    Think about the parents of Madeline McCann - of course they have been distraught. But they keep going. They have to, for the sake of their child. You step up and do what you feel you must do. Everybody.
    As you ARE doing.

    Jena, stay strong. Stay practical. It's actually the best way to feel of use, and therefore the best way to deal with your grief over this.

  11. Jena

    Jena New Member


    just read this. i'm on a breakdown schedule actually. and it doesnt' stop me from functioning well and making decisions at this point. only when i'm lacking sleep at night and i'm overtired from a 6 hour drive each way to get there.

    as far as my family is concerned you can only control so much in life. people cant' always hold it together when they love a child who they have seen struggle since birth off and on. i find you look too deeply into things at times, i do appreciate your thoughts. yet at times things are simply what they are with no hidden agenda's or meanings they just are.

    as far as my strength is concerned i'm ok, i always am, yet when you have zero faith in a treatment team or close to none it is hard to walk strong in your belief that your child will be well. this dr. also might very well be wrong and openly admitted that. he is making this a power struggle. i remember some of my college pysch classes a bit lol and number one rule is never get into a power struggle with-your child it proves nothing and just escalates the situation.

    today and yesterday difficult child has totally shut down, is not eating or drinking now at all. is very convinced her throat is now closing up and is not showering or changing clothes. she has been in same clothes since wednesday now and it's sunday. she gets up sits infront of food cries the entire time, and than she lies back in bed and cries.

    i'm giving doctor a matter of days. if this approach doesnt' work i'm taking her out if i can line up another treatment team. i already have calls out to two places which i should speak to tmrw just as a viable back up option. we are now reaching the 2 month mark of no food. the longer this continues the harder it will be to refeed. that i know. as far as family goes it would be great if they could be my tower of strength and their trying yet their very vested in difficult child also so it's hurtful to them plus my mom's considerably older. sorry what happened to your sister. life can be qutie challenging at times
  12. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    If you could direct her care completely; how different would it look from what is going on now?
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    great question, i have no clue lol.

    all i know is now their working on all her pyschiatric issues as opposed to just focusing on eating. if they had popped her on zyprexa, slowly begin refeeding process. and stopped with-radical approach maybe doctor and difficult child wouldnt' be where they are now. maybe they would. I don't know.
  14. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    I know the doctor told you that your daughter is one of the most stubborn patients he has had, do you think because this doctor hasn't encountered this level of persistance that they are not equipped to treat your difficult child? Do you think if you ask doctor to tell you about similar patients and what treatments were successful, that would ease your worries? (Would it help to hear something like: the second most stubborn patient we've had took ____# of days to take medications, ____# of days to drink, ___# of days to eat solids; just so you have some timeline to base your daughter's progress on?)
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    no actually i'm more into the tangible. i like doctor's stats, documentation. their a facility they should have them. they need them in order to continue getting funding. they just refuse to take the time to pull them. it should be in my opinion part of their presentation about the program.

    i know that all hospitalizations the children usually get worse before they get better, it's part of that fine line of hospitalization and stages. yet difficult child has been worse seen the beginning with-o zero improvement basically. and i guess i'll just have to wait it out and while i'm diong that line up my next places