This wouldn't have happened if you had said yes

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy, Apr 15, 2008.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child is still on driving restriction. She asked to drive to chipotle and tanning after school even though I offered to take her tanning when I picked her up. I said no and she raged for an hour, screaming, throwing, smashing things, intimidating, trying to get me to fight back. You know what she said at the end? "If you had just said yes none of this would have happened".

    What kind of distorted thining is this? It's my feeling that she had a drug buy lined up and I was interferring in it. I told her in 14 months she could do as she wished and that she could live on her own. She said oh no I'm living here. I explained that she would not live here acting like that and her response was "oh so you want me living on the street?"

    Can she really believe everything is everyone else's fault?

    She left the house on foot and was gone for 4 hours.

  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    In a word....Yep. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault and usually because they didn't let our difficult child's get their way.

    Sending hugs as I don't really have anything else. We can be consistant till we're blue in the face and our homes and posessions are trashed but until THEY make the connection, nothing really works to change this. My difficult child will see someone acting similiar to or exactly like he does and get's frustrated if he is dealing with them. But if it's pointed out that he does the same thing.....nope. He's FINE. WE'RE the ones who cause him to do the things he does. If we would just let him, buy him, give him...blah blah blah blah blah, then things would be good.
  3. LoneStar14

    LoneStar14 New Member

    Sounds like my difficult child's--I wouldn't be breaking the rule if you changed it.

    I would trust my mommy instincts. I agree that she had something lined up. It could be anything, but it was something she didn't want you to be privy to. Speaking from difficult child's experience.

    How about telling her she can stay there if she agrees to live by your rules. Otherwise, she can't stay. That would be her choice, not yours. It would also be her choice to either stay on the streets or elsewhere--once again, her choice and not yours. That puts the ball in her court. They don't want to take responsibility and try to put it in your court. Hence, if YOU would have said yes (your court) instead of SHE behaved incorrectly (her court).
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending's the same story at my house too.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm so sorry - sounds like the heat is going to continue to rise in GFGdom. I have one for you - I was talking with Dude about how it would be nice for us to have a visit with me being the priority in his "time slot" and he said out of the blue - "You know Mom if you would have just never taken me to that first pscyh hopsital NONE of this would have happened in my life. You could have JUST IGNORED my actions that day (chasing a boy down the street with a scythe) and all of this would never have happened and I would have BEEN at home like you wanted (meaning, broken jaw, Department of Juvenile Justice as a result of being bored and at home recovering from broken jaw, then group home from heck and now 15 years for being out on a moped at midnight accused of attempted burglary) - ALL MY FAULT.

    What has changed? Nothing except I'm not buying it anymore.

    Sorry & Hugs
  6. Sending hugs. It's always someone else's fault -- never theirs. In the world according to difficult child's anyway.

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Yes, she really does believe everything is everyone else's fault. It may be time to stop saying "You can live somewhere else when you're 18" and start saying "you will live somewhere else when you are 18." When she asks if you want her to live on the street, tell her you hope that she will make better plans than that - period. You don't have to tell her that one of her possible plans is that she stops being such a little brat and comes to you to ask what she can do to make it work out at home. (Start behaving now so that you might change your mind.)
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahh I've heard that phrase more times than I can count. No, it's never their fault.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad to see it's not just me. I have told her that she can live here when she's 18 if she follows the rules but if she doesn't she will have to make other living arangements. She knows she is welcome here as long as she behaves but sadly she is not capable of doing that and I just will not be tormented or have my house destroyed one more day than I have to be.

    I've told her she needs to start thinking about her future, if she wants to follow the rules we will put her through college and she gets to live away from us for four years free. If she doesn't then she needs to figure out where she is going to work and live and how she is going to pay for it.

    Yes Star that sounds just like my difficult child. She said if we hadn't called the police on her the first time none of this would be happening.

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911


    When i mentioned Dude finishing his GED - and going to college he smartly said "OH so there is money for me to go to college? Well how about taking some of that money NOW and buying me (listed things) and then I'll be ready for college."

    And I said - Money for you? (thinking about how much has already been plunked or rather Kerplunked on him) and said "No there is no secret bank account, and to be safe so you wouldn't kill me in my sleep for insurance money I have no life policy either - you must get a scholarship - and THAT you can EARN."

    There is a foreign word for you difficult child - EARN!!!!!!

    Blargh - somedays I really do just sit and hug my furperson.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nancy, I think your instincts are right, from the sounds of her reaction.

    I think the correct way of thinking about this is "if difficult child were trustworthy then none of this would have happened". I'm sure difficult child won't see it that way. Hang in there.
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Nancy, this is so typical difficult child thinking. Everything is always our fault. Hugs.
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Nancy, I have no advice to give, only hugs and understanding.

    My difficult child has the very same attitude and I've never found the key to make him see that his actions are HIS responsibility. At this point, I've given up trying.

  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    :highvoltage:OMG - I've heard this too many times to be true! Such skewed & entitled thinking.

    My brain is in overload here.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can't even imagine how frustrating this must be for you and husband. It is not a road I've traveled so I can only send along a hug and hopes that she can stabilize. There is one part of your posts that I may be reading wrong but will address with a suggestion.

    With your daughter, and with some of the other difficult children, it seems that there is frequent reference to moving out at 18 if the rules can't be followed. Just from parenting experiences I
    wonder if it might be better to just back off the topic. Discussing it or referencing it frequently dilutes the real impact
    of the future option in my humble opinion. If it is seen as "a threat" then it is open for headbutting. If it is simply "a fact" that everyone knows and accepts....then, it is in difficult children court and she will realize that it is HER choice. She knows there is a fork in the road and she opts for the path of her choice. Simple.

    Reading my post I'm not sure if I am saying what I mean to say, lol. If it doesn't make sense...blame it on my head/chest
    cold. Bottom line, in my mind, is that she should not be free
    to pass responsibility to you. It's on her plate. DDD
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I have few words...
    However, with reference to the ones I have...
    The first one is not allowed to be said here.
    The second, well...I'm unsure what "chipotle" means.
    Is this a food item?
    We don't have that here commonly and I'll be honest, few folks go to the tanning places. Sometimes folks will go in June/July/August to pretend like they have been to the beach on vacation. Same thing ub the dead of winter for a short period during a vacation break.

    Perhaps they don't want to be seen with white skin in a bathing suit or run the risk that it might rain on their vacation and they'll miss out.
    Other folks, the ones who tan regularly, are usually the very wealthy or in the movie industry.

    Most folks just either let it go, or use the store bought creams (when they remember or have a special event to go to, etc.).

    I would be a broken record and mirror it all back to her. If she did the right thing at the right time at the right place in the right way, this would not have happened to her.
    I do hope counseling is in the picture. This has got to be hard for her (in her own distorted way) and very hard for you as well. (Hugs).
  17. Penta

    Penta New Member

    I hope when she has her court date that she will receive treatment so she can become a productive adult. From your posts of the past, it sounds like she has much going for her, aside for her defiant personality. Treatment may force her to look deep within and begin to change her behavior.