Tiapet
Old Hand
My middle difficult child has got me to my wits end!
Let me start by saying we have no clear diagnosis at this point for her beyond ADHD-inattentive and ODD. We have tossed around BiPolar (BP), Autism spectrum, attachment issues (not sure why on that one) and various others. Nothing is there. Currently she is being seen by a pediatric development specialist who has just added another doctor who will prescribed "layered" medications. Simple way to say she won't do the antipscyhotics or mood stabilizers and such. She will only do the simpler medications.
We've already been through several psychiatrists in this state and another as well as tdocs. We've gone through countless therapists, mobile therapists, TSS workers, etc... This child has been unreachable in every sense of the manner. One therapist spend 2 years with her weekly and threw up her hands and said she could do not more. It's like a brick wall, same thing with someone else that worked with her for 18 months.
That is the shortened version of it all. We're down to this.....
Does she get it? If she does does she even care? We don't know if she cognitively processes things exactly. She's had all the testing you can have (and that I know of). Her test scores come back relatively ok. She does show a deficit in memory area a little. You could tell her something and then it's gone (short term). But it also "appears" to happen with some long term stuff (or are we kidding ourselves?).
For example, in math she is really bad and not actually on grade level. I mean she is on some things but not in all areas of it. She will do a math problem but forget how to do it or do it completely different then what she was taught (and fight us tooth and nail that "that's not the way you do it-or the way she was taught, even though it is"). Or, in general areas of life she refuses to comply with anything or learn (this is where we are most confused).
You know when you teach a child something in life they say it takes a thousand times before they learn it (like a behavior)? Well, in this case it's like she has never or will never learn it as well as if there is a consequence it doesn't matter either! (no matter what it is even if it's something we know DOES matter to her a lot) We've tried positive rewards, ignoring things, redirection, charts, etc... you name it we have tried it and then some. Everything anyone has ever suggested we've done and nothing works at all.
Here is another example, stranger danger. She is about to turn 13. She has been taught this over and over and over again. She doesn't get it, doesn't care? You name it she will do all kinds of things that are dangerous as far as stranger danger are concerned. This whole situation with her is like dealing with an MR child who is not showing up as such on the testing!!?
Some of the other things she does, lies a lot! Manipulates so intensely that many don't even know she's doing it because she is so charming and sweet to them. Her one teacher years back, once I spoke to her, found out how she was being manipulated in many ways. She stated "she manipulates at an adult level". She was only 7 years old at the time.
She steals. She will steal from her older sister then me, then her younger brother. What she takes often makes no sense because it is anything at all. Things she has no use for other times it is. A couple of examples, her sister school ID from last year, her sisters belt that in no way would fit her and she took THAT to school! Why??? Have no clue. She hasn't stolen from a store, yet. She has stolen things from other kids in school and come home and said so and so gave it to me. I've had to alert teachers to this fact every year (which is soooo embarrassing). She majorly steals food, hoards it at times, hides it everywhere and anywhere. We've had to take many things away from her because she's used them for hiding spaces (like her dresser-in with clothes-sandwiches rotting). She puts food under her pillow, under the bathroom vanity (she knows we go through and find all this all the time too). There was a time she had a PB&J sandwich munched into the carpet between her mattress and the floor (we had to take frame away because she was hiding it under bed). She has stolen canned goods and opened and eaten them. 10x sugar, ketchup, boxes of cake mix, jello. The list would go on and on and on and the worst part......she broke into things to get at this because we have had to go full lock down of pantry closet, extra closet, refrig because of the stealing. She still finds ways to get it! She has destroyed things to get in. Short of a keyed lock, it's the only way to keep her out at this point and out bedroom door has one of them on it but you know what?......she knows the SECOND that door is accidently left unlocked for a moment and sneaks in there too and steals! It's crazy!
This has slowing been mushrooming in intensity for about 5 years now. In the beginning we didn't notice all that we do now. I think because she was so much younger and on many levels she wasn't as accountable for different things (like level of academic work) or able to do other things that kids naturally progress to doing in their age. Now we have her foul language and mouth, attitude (about almost 2 years of that) and sometimes violence too (mostly towards her brother but she will take on her 18yo sister who is 5'11" and 140lbs and think nothing of it!
I am confined due to health. There is not much I can do and basically I'm "stuck" to sitting and have to rely on others now (I hate it!). She will say things to me like "get off your fat lazy ass and ......" when she needs to find something of hers like clothing to wear or she can't find something in general. Or "I wish you were dead" (which she knows is a very REAL possibility as I was given 5 yrs-6 years ago now). She will say she wishes others were dead too. She also wishes everyone were gone so that she can do what she wants. It's like she really lives in a fantasy world of her own and she is the queen of it. Invincible as well. There is no psychosis, so they tell me (are they for real? have they lived what we do?) She never shows much of this to anyone outside of house beyond the mouth to her brother. She ones took a hard, quick edge with me at the doctor and doctor took notice so I'm not fighting a losing battle on them believing me, they do thank god!
So my point, thank you for reading all this, is this.....
We've had to keep her in more often then not because she won't comply with checking in when she goes out in the neighborhood (subdivision). She is never where she says she is. When it's time to come in more often then not she doesn't but she is usually late by an hour.
Two weeks ago she pulled that but was not in an hour late after not checking in at her 2 hour check in (must check in every two hours). Instead she waltz in at 10P! Rule has always been, streetlights come on, you come in irregardless of any other rule, you call when you change places you're at or to check in. She did none of it. I didn't call the cops. The reason? About 6 months ago she had done something similiar but the variation to it was that she was seen by some neighborhood kids and they told us and also tried to get her. They ended up chasing her all around, including through the woods (which isn't normal for her). I began to worry that something had happened since she was avoiding them. I called cops. Cops took all information but also made me feel like dirt because I couldn't give them MORE information such ALL the kids names she knew (she goes to so many people's houses wandering that we don't know and try to keep up but it seems there is always new people she "meets" that have moved in somewhere or in next division (we're small) where there are apartments. The cops wanted to know why we didn't know so much more quicker, sooner. Well we do keep tabs on her with the check ins as much as we humanly can other then keeping her in.
Anyway, as soon as cops left to start looking for her in next subdivision as we suspected that to be the most likely place she was, wouldn't you know, little miss difficult child comes strolling out from behind the house across the street and walks across the street home!!! Mind you neither house across the street are people that have kids for her so she was just sitting there hiding, waiting, and watching. Calculating???
I didn't want a repeat of that scenerio again so I waited it out the last time and sure enough, she came home, with an attitude as if it didn't matter what she did at all! I told her she was grounded for a long time. The ONLY reason I let her out today is that the realty company that runs this house (we rent) had the mortgage company guy company to appraise it since the owner is being foreclosed on. If she was here she would be starting something and/or getting in their way on top of them and being a pest as she can be and it would be a bad situation overall. So I relented and let her go out (supposedly) to the girls house 4 doors down to play. She was to check in at 2.
Here we go again! No check in, she's not there nor is she at anyone's house that WE know of her friends. So who is this new person yet again?
I really don't know how much more I can take of this. I keep saying it but taking more. It hurts because I don't know it she's willful or if this is otherwise and no one has been able to answer me on it or prove it.
Thanks for listening.
(thanks Star for listening all the other times and for reminding me where my home is for support)
Let me start by saying we have no clear diagnosis at this point for her beyond ADHD-inattentive and ODD. We have tossed around BiPolar (BP), Autism spectrum, attachment issues (not sure why on that one) and various others. Nothing is there. Currently she is being seen by a pediatric development specialist who has just added another doctor who will prescribed "layered" medications. Simple way to say she won't do the antipscyhotics or mood stabilizers and such. She will only do the simpler medications.
We've already been through several psychiatrists in this state and another as well as tdocs. We've gone through countless therapists, mobile therapists, TSS workers, etc... This child has been unreachable in every sense of the manner. One therapist spend 2 years with her weekly and threw up her hands and said she could do not more. It's like a brick wall, same thing with someone else that worked with her for 18 months.
That is the shortened version of it all. We're down to this.....
Does she get it? If she does does she even care? We don't know if she cognitively processes things exactly. She's had all the testing you can have (and that I know of). Her test scores come back relatively ok. She does show a deficit in memory area a little. You could tell her something and then it's gone (short term). But it also "appears" to happen with some long term stuff (or are we kidding ourselves?).
For example, in math she is really bad and not actually on grade level. I mean she is on some things but not in all areas of it. She will do a math problem but forget how to do it or do it completely different then what she was taught (and fight us tooth and nail that "that's not the way you do it-or the way she was taught, even though it is"). Or, in general areas of life she refuses to comply with anything or learn (this is where we are most confused).
You know when you teach a child something in life they say it takes a thousand times before they learn it (like a behavior)? Well, in this case it's like she has never or will never learn it as well as if there is a consequence it doesn't matter either! (no matter what it is even if it's something we know DOES matter to her a lot) We've tried positive rewards, ignoring things, redirection, charts, etc... you name it we have tried it and then some. Everything anyone has ever suggested we've done and nothing works at all.
Here is another example, stranger danger. She is about to turn 13. She has been taught this over and over and over again. She doesn't get it, doesn't care? You name it she will do all kinds of things that are dangerous as far as stranger danger are concerned. This whole situation with her is like dealing with an MR child who is not showing up as such on the testing!!?
Some of the other things she does, lies a lot! Manipulates so intensely that many don't even know she's doing it because she is so charming and sweet to them. Her one teacher years back, once I spoke to her, found out how she was being manipulated in many ways. She stated "she manipulates at an adult level". She was only 7 years old at the time.
She steals. She will steal from her older sister then me, then her younger brother. What she takes often makes no sense because it is anything at all. Things she has no use for other times it is. A couple of examples, her sister school ID from last year, her sisters belt that in no way would fit her and she took THAT to school! Why??? Have no clue. She hasn't stolen from a store, yet. She has stolen things from other kids in school and come home and said so and so gave it to me. I've had to alert teachers to this fact every year (which is soooo embarrassing). She majorly steals food, hoards it at times, hides it everywhere and anywhere. We've had to take many things away from her because she's used them for hiding spaces (like her dresser-in with clothes-sandwiches rotting). She puts food under her pillow, under the bathroom vanity (she knows we go through and find all this all the time too). There was a time she had a PB&J sandwich munched into the carpet between her mattress and the floor (we had to take frame away because she was hiding it under bed). She has stolen canned goods and opened and eaten them. 10x sugar, ketchup, boxes of cake mix, jello. The list would go on and on and on and the worst part......she broke into things to get at this because we have had to go full lock down of pantry closet, extra closet, refrig because of the stealing. She still finds ways to get it! She has destroyed things to get in. Short of a keyed lock, it's the only way to keep her out at this point and out bedroom door has one of them on it but you know what?......she knows the SECOND that door is accidently left unlocked for a moment and sneaks in there too and steals! It's crazy!This has slowing been mushrooming in intensity for about 5 years now. In the beginning we didn't notice all that we do now. I think because she was so much younger and on many levels she wasn't as accountable for different things (like level of academic work) or able to do other things that kids naturally progress to doing in their age. Now we have her foul language and mouth, attitude (about almost 2 years of that) and sometimes violence too (mostly towards her brother but she will take on her 18yo sister who is 5'11" and 140lbs and think nothing of it!
I am confined due to health. There is not much I can do and basically I'm "stuck" to sitting and have to rely on others now (I hate it!). She will say things to me like "get off your fat lazy ass and ......" when she needs to find something of hers like clothing to wear or she can't find something in general. Or "I wish you were dead" (which she knows is a very REAL possibility as I was given 5 yrs-6 years ago now). She will say she wishes others were dead too. She also wishes everyone were gone so that she can do what she wants. It's like she really lives in a fantasy world of her own and she is the queen of it. Invincible as well. There is no psychosis, so they tell me (are they for real? have they lived what we do?) She never shows much of this to anyone outside of house beyond the mouth to her brother. She ones took a hard, quick edge with me at the doctor and doctor took notice so I'm not fighting a losing battle on them believing me, they do thank god!
So my point, thank you for reading all this, is this.....
We've had to keep her in more often then not because she won't comply with checking in when she goes out in the neighborhood (subdivision). She is never where she says she is. When it's time to come in more often then not she doesn't but she is usually late by an hour.
Two weeks ago she pulled that but was not in an hour late after not checking in at her 2 hour check in (must check in every two hours). Instead she waltz in at 10P! Rule has always been, streetlights come on, you come in irregardless of any other rule, you call when you change places you're at or to check in. She did none of it. I didn't call the cops. The reason? About 6 months ago she had done something similiar but the variation to it was that she was seen by some neighborhood kids and they told us and also tried to get her. They ended up chasing her all around, including through the woods (which isn't normal for her). I began to worry that something had happened since she was avoiding them. I called cops. Cops took all information but also made me feel like dirt because I couldn't give them MORE information such ALL the kids names she knew (she goes to so many people's houses wandering that we don't know and try to keep up but it seems there is always new people she "meets" that have moved in somewhere or in next division (we're small) where there are apartments. The cops wanted to know why we didn't know so much more quicker, sooner. Well we do keep tabs on her with the check ins as much as we humanly can other then keeping her in.
Anyway, as soon as cops left to start looking for her in next subdivision as we suspected that to be the most likely place she was, wouldn't you know, little miss difficult child comes strolling out from behind the house across the street and walks across the street home!!! Mind you neither house across the street are people that have kids for her so she was just sitting there hiding, waiting, and watching. Calculating???
I didn't want a repeat of that scenerio again so I waited it out the last time and sure enough, she came home, with an attitude as if it didn't matter what she did at all! I told her she was grounded for a long time. The ONLY reason I let her out today is that the realty company that runs this house (we rent) had the mortgage company guy company to appraise it since the owner is being foreclosed on. If she was here she would be starting something and/or getting in their way on top of them and being a pest as she can be and it would be a bad situation overall. So I relented and let her go out (supposedly) to the girls house 4 doors down to play. She was to check in at 2.
Here we go again! No check in, she's not there nor is she at anyone's house that WE know of her friends. So who is this new person yet again?
I really don't know how much more I can take of this. I keep saying it but taking more. It hurts because I don't know it she's willful or if this is otherwise and no one has been able to answer me on it or prove it.
Thanks for listening.
(thanks Star for listening all the other times and for reminding me where my home is for support)
