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<blockquote data-quote="Waitingforamiracle" data-source="post: 760912" data-attributes="member: 25449"><p>Thanks so much RN - your signature story gives me hope and you are so right about the boundaries. I am lucky in that he has never taken drugs afaik. He is mildly autistic I am sure. He lacks empathy to the extreme and fits the description of Borderline (BPD) (Borderline). I don't think he is mentally ill apart from the personality disorder BUT he will pretend he is to get attention. He currently lives in a big city about 4 hours away and we live in a quiet rural area. There is no sense in his returning here and I will underline that to him every chance I get that he cannot stay here so there would be no point making the journey just to be turned away. </p><p>Update: Yes, I gave in to my guilt and sent him a month's rent, (mostly because we had told him when we made him leave last year that we would help him with a deposit or rent to help him on his way. He didn't respond to this, just left in a rage.) I felt so much better after doing so, but I guess it was like someone having a cigarette after having given up for a year - good in the moment but disastrous for long term health!</p><p>I received a reply from him thanking me and wondering if we could open communications. I followed up with the statement that I had been angered and scared by his first email, that the money is a one off, we are now retired and with a low income, that we would do the same by him as we had done by his sister in terms of help, that if he proved he had a constructive plan for his future we MIGHT help him again, and we wished him well. </p><p>He answered with a fairly polite and appreciative email but with no apology, and still referring to his father disrespectfully by his first name. He says he's trying to figure things out and that perhaps I'll be able to help him with this. I suspect he is trying to divide us and enmesh me into giving more by being nice and I am on my guard. I am going to answer minimally and leave it up to him to reach out with ?perhaps? something like, asking how members of the family are? How his granny is after losing her husband? How his father's medical condition is progressing? Not holding my breath...</p><p>You may be thinking, how can I even think of doing this after his awful behaviour? The answer is practical. If he was evicted he might return. It's in all our interests to keep his head above water and I'm gambling between enabling and buying him and us some time to think about how to do it. </p><p>I have been sent a really helpful email by our local Domestic abuse team and will be working with their advice and the police's advice in mind. Dealing with my son has always been like handling an atomic bomb but I hope you good folks will forgive me for caving in and sending the cash. I realise that he needs to solve his own problems from now on or he will never gain independence. I will not do it again!! I will stay strong, I promise!</p><p>(Do let me know if you think I'm mad or stupid, I can take fair comment! )</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Waitingforamiracle, post: 760912, member: 25449"] Thanks so much RN - your signature story gives me hope and you are so right about the boundaries. I am lucky in that he has never taken drugs afaik. He is mildly autistic I am sure. He lacks empathy to the extreme and fits the description of Borderline (BPD) (Borderline). I don't think he is mentally ill apart from the personality disorder BUT he will pretend he is to get attention. He currently lives in a big city about 4 hours away and we live in a quiet rural area. There is no sense in his returning here and I will underline that to him every chance I get that he cannot stay here so there would be no point making the journey just to be turned away. Update: Yes, I gave in to my guilt and sent him a month's rent, (mostly because we had told him when we made him leave last year that we would help him with a deposit or rent to help him on his way. He didn't respond to this, just left in a rage.) I felt so much better after doing so, but I guess it was like someone having a cigarette after having given up for a year - good in the moment but disastrous for long term health! I received a reply from him thanking me and wondering if we could open communications. I followed up with the statement that I had been angered and scared by his first email, that the money is a one off, we are now retired and with a low income, that we would do the same by him as we had done by his sister in terms of help, that if he proved he had a constructive plan for his future we MIGHT help him again, and we wished him well. He answered with a fairly polite and appreciative email but with no apology, and still referring to his father disrespectfully by his first name. He says he's trying to figure things out and that perhaps I'll be able to help him with this. I suspect he is trying to divide us and enmesh me into giving more by being nice and I am on my guard. I am going to answer minimally and leave it up to him to reach out with ?perhaps? something like, asking how members of the family are? How his granny is after losing her husband? How his father's medical condition is progressing? Not holding my breath... You may be thinking, how can I even think of doing this after his awful behaviour? The answer is practical. If he was evicted he might return. It's in all our interests to keep his head above water and I'm gambling between enabling and buying him and us some time to think about how to do it. I have been sent a really helpful email by our local Domestic abuse team and will be working with their advice and the police's advice in mind. Dealing with my son has always been like handling an atomic bomb but I hope you good folks will forgive me for caving in and sending the cash. I realise that he needs to solve his own problems from now on or he will never gain independence. I will not do it again!! I will stay strong, I promise! (Do let me know if you think I'm mad or stupid, I can take fair comment! ) [/QUOTE]
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