Threw step son out. Marriage struggling.

[Magpiemusic]

I threw my 19 year old step son out in January. Abuses dabs, a very concentrated form of thc. He came to our home after tumultuous things went down at his fathers house. We didn't get the whole story of course, just his. The lies started almost immediately. Look me directly in the eyes and lie like it meant nothing. He flipped my UTV. $2000 damage. Even got his younger brother to go along with the lie. Snuck out of the house. Was smoking in the house repeatedly. Then friends started missing money at gatherings. The only new person in the group was him. Then, on the eve of his birthday my wife reviewed surveillance from inside our home and there he was picking up my briefcase, looking around nervously, and scooting downstairs. He returns a few minutes later and he's trying to place the briefcase exactly as it had been on a chair.

I lost it. I mean, screaming so loud and so furious I felt an explosion in my head. I was driving to where he worked and I had to pull into fire dept. blood pressure 200/100. Now I am placed in ambulance and off we go to hospital. I told him that by the time I got home he had better be on a plane back to his fathers. I am done.

Fast forward to now, about 5 weeks later. He has completely cut my wife out of his life. Blocked her on Facebook, twitter, no contact whatsoever. I lashed out at him once on twitter for bragging about doing drugs. Blocked. Then on Facebook for whining about losing his headphones. Blocked. I have no idea how much he stole, but I will never be able to erase that video from my head. There he was. In my kitchen. Stealing.

So, now I am on the s>#tlist for throwing him out. "At least if he was hear I could watch him!" Which was making her miserable. "YOU have cut me off from my son!" I cannot and will not live with a thief and someone that lies and has no conscience. "YOU want to ruin my contact with him!" I really don't. I just want peace back in my marriage and my home.

This young man is an addict. He is also unbelievably conniving and manipulative, and his birth parents sort of see it, but it is a blaring and glaring red light!! When he was gone he left his drug paraphernalia out in plain site in my car he was driving. One last FU before he left. Getting wasted in my car.

So much damage. I don't know if my wife will ever forgive me for Standing my ground. And I won't back down. I went through 19 years with an addicted brother and a lifetime with an addictive father. I am done. I have no space in my life for the games. But it may ruin my relationship and we have the most wonderful 5 year old girl on the planet. But as we fought last night, she cried and cried. His dishonesty and manipulation is hurting my baby now. I am pissed. I am tired. I think he has done irreparable damage here and I don't know what to do. "YOU ARE NOT HIS PARENT!!!"
Yes, I know, but this is my life and my home and my daughter and I will protect them. And I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with calling out an addict at every lie.
Thoughts??

 

[ksm]

You may not be "his parent" but that is a good thing. It's hard being the parent, and probably just as hard to be the step parent. You did the right thing...maybe there was a way to do the same thing, but in a more diplomatic way. But he needed to be out of the house.

Is your wife willing for the two of you to seek counseling? At some point maybe she and you can forge your own relationships, with your own boundaries. I know as a mom, I would want some contact with my child.

Would your wife be willing to read some of the other stories on this forum? Post on her own?

Good luck...this is so hard...

Ksm

 

[BusynMember]

I get it. I do. I loathe stealing and drugging. And your step son sounds awful. But...

As one who grew up with over reactive parents, i feel you handled it way wrong and let this affect your own health. Acting angry, aggressive and yelling and going to sons job makes you look as out of control as him. To everyone. Him and Mom too.

in my opinion you and wife need to sanely work this out in marital therapy. You cant make unilateral decisions even if her son is a real butt. That wont work. Also calmness in the face of his out of control behavior makes you look like the rational, mature adult that he and your daughter really need you to be. Yelling, hysteria, revenge (even if you feel it it was justified) is bad for YOU. You have a daughter who needs to see a father who is calm under pressure. I think it shows more power than fury does.You may cslmly try to talk ro your wife. I dont think that your ultimate decision was wrong, but wife should have known your intention and weighed in so you could be on the same page.

If she refuses to see her son for what he is, you may have no choice but to leave with daughter (for her safety from this brother if Mom lets him home). Wife may or may not get over it. Stay away until she gets it.

Get a good family law lawyer to figjht for 50% custody of daughters custody in case wife files. She needs to be safe 50% of the time and most states no longer favor women over men. My son has 50% custody in Missouri and his ex, who thought she'd get majority custody, is livid. But thats a 50/50 state and my son wont give up his custodoal rights of his son to her. Be prepared. He was.

But try approaching wife first. If its hopeless then you have hard decisions ahead of you.

I am very sorry. Be very calm and rational when you talk to wife. Yelling just causes more anger and nothing can be accomplished. You can be firm and rational withput exploding. I needed to learn this. Most of us do. Trust me, it works better. I was an explisive one in my 30s and early 30s...then I realized how bad it was and turned it around. Much better for all. And for results.

Much.

Good luck

 

[RN0441]

Mag

Welcome and sorry you have to be here.

You are only human and you lost it. I get it!! I lost it with my son many times and said things that I am not proud of. His behavior was turning me into someone that I did not like.

Your wife loves her son naturally and I'm not sure how long that this was going on with him, but she was probably unknowingly enabling him. His behavior now is typical; addicts are angry when they don't get their own way.

It is good that he is out of your home. Maybe in time she will also feel some relief. I agree that you both need to get into marriage counseling and/or some type of therapy.

This is a hard road and not normal parenting. We really never asked more than the normal for our son too so that he could be in our home, but he just refused. Our life is much happier now. I know that if OUR son was not my husband's son, I would have probably seen him as part of the problem too. He in no way could have dealt with this if it were not his own flesh and blood. It's just not who he is but I can understand that.

Agree to let her read some of our posts here. She will see herself in many of them. We get it and we don't judge.

 

[1905]

Save your daughter. Do whatever you need to. Maybe in a few years, you can come together. Everyone will thank you, trust me.

 

[Crayola13]

I think maybe your wife thinks she or the both of you can fix him. It angered her when you threw him out because she thinks you have given up on him. She is in denial about how badly addicted he is and thinks she can help him. He needs the help of professionals, not his mom. She has to give him emotional and moral support, but she can't fix him. If he's using drugs maybe he owes his dealer money, and that is why he was stealing. Tell your wife it puts her and your daughter in danger if the drug dealers know where he lives. What if they show up at your house wanting money? Based on how bad the stealing is, I'm wondering if he's using more than just THC. Does he work or attend school?

 

[Mamacat]

This happened at my house. My husband, daughter's step father, threw her out almost 3 years ago. It was not pretty when it happened. She took my two granddaughters and went back to an abusive relationship iin another city. She was 42 at the time and we had been rescuing her for almost 6years at that time. My husband never stopped me from seeing them. He just wasn't welcome where she was. I would drive 200 miles each way to see my granddaughters, rent a motel room and spend time with them. By now friends are warning me about daughter's behavior, but I still can't see it. UNTIL I "sell" her my car (which she will never pay for, ,she goes to another state, stops communicating with me when I won't signfor an apt. I finally get it. I guess what I'm saying is with time, your wife's eyes will be opened. As best you can, don't say negative things about her son. Don't try to stop herr from contacting him or seeing him somewhere other than your home. It will soon be clear to her. It may take awhile. Now I'm grateful my husband threw her out. I couldn't do it. He loved me enough to end her mistreatment of me and to make our home a peaceful place. Best wishes to you!
L

 

[Eugenia]

Dearest Magpie...
How heartbreaking, and so familiar to many of us here, and what is most familiar to me about your story is a teenage addict affecting the life of a 5 year old, I know this story too well, unfortunately.

My 5 year old is now 18, a senior in high school, and a truly remarkable young woman. She has lived through the trauma of her big brother for all the years of her life she can recall, she only knows him as an addict, which is sad she doesn't know the boy he was before, a wonderful son...

She's currently applying to colleges and hopes to study Neuro Biology. She has a passion about the study of the brain, because of her brother and his disease of addiction. She's a remarkable human, and has been affected, all her life, by his behaviors...

At the age of 5, she witnessed his first arrest, in our home, he was 15 years old, I dialed 911 when an argument between son and husband was escalating and I was frightened it was about to get physical. I hung up the phone, and then learned if you dial 911 and hang up, the police come anyway...

I tried to get the little girl out of the house, not to witness what was going to happening, but the police car was parked behind my car, and I couldn't get out of the driveway. The argument between my son and the officer now continued outside, and as my son told the officer he wasn't going anywhere with him, the policeman proceeded to pin him against the house and cuff him, while my 5 year old watched and screamed and cried the entire time, while trapped in a car that could not escape the witnessing of this event. And today, she has total recall of this event.

The rest of her life, she was witness to family arguments and discussions about what to do with the addict in our home. She was constantly asked to leave the room, because we needed to 'talk to brother', it became natural for her to just go upstairs and try not to listen as he was once again in trouble for stealing, getting arrested, going to rehab here in state and in florida, living in his car, getting arrested again, rehabs again, and then jail, a brief recovery and a return home for their sister's wedding, another relapse, more stealing, violation of probation, impending arrest, missing for weeks, found, lost again, found again, and now back in rehab, maybe?

My heart is broken in many pieces, for my son, because I cannot save him, but for my daughters, the older one who grew up with him and had the closest relationship with him, and deals with her heartbreak and anxiety issues clearly related to her life with him, and my little girl, who only knows life with an addict, who is a wonderful citizen, honor student, athlete, and continues to gain weight due to repression of her feelings, and I'm worried about both of my girls and how life with the addict brother his affected them.

Protect that little girl from a life you seem to already know, as you mentioned, you lived it, too.

 

[wisernow]

Dear Magpie:

Your story and all of the above stories are so very heartbreaking. You did the RIGHT thing by removing the son from the house. And your wife is in denial. She may or may not come around. That depends on her. Your job now is to save you, and your daughter from the negative vortex your step son has created. Drug dealers do come around, and your daughter is at very high risk.

We had to remove our son at age 16...same reasons. Police, fights, aggression, drugs, mental health, and then the spin cycle would start all over again. I remember going to a support group and the leader said , if something doesn't change why would you expect any different outcome?

The struggles with son consumed the house. It consumed our every conversation, our sense of being. The struggle became us and as the few close friends who to this day remain, tell me...that's when you were in the dark years. The dark years were in fact almost a decade.

Sadly the marriage crumbled. However our daughter who witnessed this horrific drama always strived so hard to do the right thing, never cause waves, be compliant, be silent. Yes she is a role model, she is now in second year medication school to become a doctor. But the toll emotionally on her is that she cant trust people, she cant be in an intimate relationship. She knows she has issues to work through.

My heart breaks for both my son who still struggles. I have an at arms length relationship with him as I have fully detached.

My heart doubly breaks for my daughter who was a silent victim who had to witness household warfare, her brother's cutting, attempted hanging, violence, manipulation. She was the innocent bystander who by virtue of a being a family member was swept up by that tidal wave of horror. I wish I would have saved her years earlier from that.

Magpie....you are doing the right thing. Many hugs for you...stay strong...and hold that little girl close to your heart. Her mother right now is not capable of doing that. God bless....

 

[BusynMember]

Addicts affect the young ones so much.

My youngest daughter has never even smoked pot and is vocal against it. She will be become a police officer in about a year. She is majoring in criminal justice.

 

[Mamacat]

Some of your stories about the young children touched me and gave me hope. I was the stability in my granddaughters' lives. Now that I can't see them, I hope they are OK. I don't know what the future holds for them, but I'm thinking that their lives as adults could be, because of their growing up, one of positive contributions to the world.