Time for an update—how are things going?


Well-Known Member
Its been a while since we have had one of these.

How is everyone doing?

Any updates on your story with your difficult adult/child (or anything else)?


Active Member
We are here and doing pretty well. No word from either DS or YS on Mother's Day, not that we expected that.
W texted them both and as per the new normal, no response.

Last time we had any contact with F (a few weeks back) things didn't sound too promising for either DS or YS. DS remains unemployed and out of school. YS has pretty much stopped going to school as well. It seems he is headed toward dropping out also. F and school report low motivation. He had talked about a pre-vocational program he was interested in some months ago, from what we understand (remember, he doesn't speak to us, so any information we have comes either via his school therapists or F), and was excited about it, but once he stopped attending school his grades dropped and it's unsure if his acceptance into that program will be rescinded.

W and I are doing quite well. I know I am a comfort to W and this makes me feel good. It's a terrible situation.

Looking forward to hearing from others!


Well-Known Member
If it's not one child, it's another! Actually it's both.

I don't think I posted an update recently. Older DGD moved about 100 miles away to live with "friends". She did find a job and was working for about 6 weeks. Then went horseback riding with a new friend, was thrown off the horse, suffered a head injury with a small brain bleed. Was sent by ambulance 80 miles to a trauma hospital. After 4 days was dismissed and suppose to go to at least two weeks of inpatient rehab. She refused. Her roommates said they could take care of her.

It went poorly. She decided to move back with us (we are retired) and we said, sure...but wanted her to work on getting better and not return to just running with friends. She was home for one hour, then had a friend stop by to pick her up. Came home 3 hours later. Then the next day, left for 3 days. Now it's been 11 days and she has spent 3 nights here.

Oh, and her roommates told her not to come back.

On Wednesday, I have to drive her 180 miles, one way, to take her to see her neurologist she saw in ICU. It's too difficult to see someone locally who would see her.

No car, no job, no money. Couch surfing again.

Younger DGD has been out of the house for 11 months. Now living with the boyfriend from hell...the one who used to help her sneak out of the house, who started her on hard drugs, etc 4.5 years ago. They sleep on his mothers living room floor. Oh, he's still married to his estranged wife who he has beaten up so bad that she has been in the hospital three times in the last 1.5 years.

But, she doesn't ask for help, other than a few rides to work. I've tried the detaching with love. It's hard.



Well-Known Member
I had bariatric surgery three weeks ago, and have lost 25 pounds so far. The liquid diet, for two weeks before and two weeks after, was not fun. I have been cleared to eat pureed foods - mashed potatoes, applesauce, yogurt, things like that. I don't expect to go back to school till August. Still having some pain.

Miss KT came to visit for four days, as she was between jobs. She starts a new job in the morning, and she and E are moving to a new, less expensive apartment.

Hubby is still off work, on disability. We go to UC San Francisco in two weeks to get a second opinion on his head injury after he fell off the roof last year. Doctor here says Meniere's disease. Hubby says the roaring in his ears is making him crazy.

Son #2 had an emergency appendectomy several days ago. Son #1 is doing great, as are the grands.

Had Mother's Day lunch with my mom, dinner with Hubby's mom and both sons and family.

If we could all get healthy (and stay that way), it would be great!


Well-Known Member
Thank you Apple. Grateful to read the updates, BBU, KT'smom, and ksm.

I am staying focused on myself. Trying to get healthier physically, mentally, spiritually, but feeling fragile. Still working on organizing the house. Thank you Apple.

I'm not posting threads anymore. What is there to say?
The threads were largely distress and overwhelm. Overflow. Really. Why bother anybody anymore? Why delude myself into thinking there's anything that I can do to make this better? That said...

I kicked J out of the other house yet again. I cannot bear his hanging out in the yard, sitting on the stoop, high on marijuana all day. We did not give him a key this time. He had to leave when M did. So. What he did was circle back when M left to smoke his marijuana and lay around. I tried to stay away, so I would not have to confront it, and when I did, I could not handle it.

It's all the same old tune. He's been gone again maybe 6 weeks, sleeping in a shed in somebody's backyard in the major metro north of us. Heard nothing from him. Really washed my hands of the whole thing.

Surprisingly, he did send a text for Mother's Day. A first. I saw it today. Writing, "things are not going well." Gee. Who would have thunk it.

I have no answers. The difference is that I am at the point of accepting that it's not my business to either have questions or answers with respect to my son's life.

Looking forward from hearing from others.


Well-Known Member
I have some health concerns. My blood pressure is too high. A mysterious pain on my right side as well. I had a scan of my kidney and no stone. It might be IBS. I’m taking a medication for that and it is very helpful. This is all on top of my other health issues which are also not going well. I see another (new) doctor on Friday as I’m not happy with my current one.

Re my children, I guess it’s clear I should count my blessings.

Our Difficult Child used the MOther’sDay holiday to rip off her dad. She asked for money to buy a card and a stamp. Bought something else instead. Then asked for more money. She claimed she bought two cards and now could not afford a stamp. She called him screaming that if she didn’t mail it on time , it would be his fault. As a side note...he had just given her extra money for something else. She couldn’t save 50 cents to buy a stamp? The card came Monday. She also called and texted too. But my husband felt used and abused and was upset. I was happy she called and texted, but felt sad that she took advantage of her father and then didn’t even get the card in the mail on time. Just creepy.

Our son did something nice but peculiar for the holiday. He gave me a lovely card. I’m most appreciative. Truly. But in it was a gc to our local food store. No name on the gc. No dollar amount. And this is a most strange and impersonal gift. Last year he gave me a beautiful candle. And ironically, that same food store has a wonderful gc selection and he could of gotten one to Starbucks or any number of much more appropriate places. We were with his mother in law this year at a brunch and we wonder if this had something to do with the unusual , generic, kind of inappropriate gift. It’s doubly weird when you factor in that our family goes out of their way to make sure gifts are thought out and we don’t usually give gift certificates, but when we do, we try hard to make sure those are well thought out for the recipient. We are baffled.

But...I need to count my blessings.

And get my health to a better place too.


Well-Known Member
My daughter Kay did call me. I let her ramble on about.her conspiracy theories. She sounded high or drunk or both. Kay has a bad stutter that kicks up worse when she drinks and she was stuttering badly. I didn't say anything or ask her if she is drunk. What for?

I get to see my grandson when they come to town this weekend because Kay said it was nice that I listened to her for once. My other daughter is so not excited to be hosting her but she loves her even though she doesn't like her, so she says. Plus everyone loves the baby. A big plus is that Lee isn't going to be here. He rarely comes, which is good.

My husband and I are calmer now since starting Al Anon. We also joined a Bible Study with some wonderful people from church. They know about Kay and have been very kind although they don't understand how a child can be so disrespectful. But they have been especially gentle with us.

Mothers Day was nice. My two non pot smoking, drug free kids paid for a wonderful dinner out and I sat in between my daughter's two kids, my other grandkids. Kay texted me Happy Mothers Day. Sometimes she doesn't even do that.

Thank you all for being here when I was literally in fetal position. I am learning that how we deal with these strange kids is largely our own perception of who we are and who they are and letting go of guilt and "what did I do wrong?"

Good day.
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100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My son came in from Chicago for the weekend with his fiancee. They will be married at the end of July. They have dated for 11 years so it's about time. She is a lovely girl and they seem happy.

My youngest son (the reason why I am here) took the weekend off work. It was wonderful to have my two boys together for Mother's Day. It was the first time in 3 years (younger son in programs etc.) so it meant a lot to me. My husband's son came for a visit in March with his fiancee which was also nice but I don't pretend to be his mother. My youngest son got me daisies (said that was all he could afford right now) and a card that he wrote a special note in thanking me for everything I do and for encouraging him to be a better person every day. That meant the world to me that he acknowledged that. My son visiting didn't even get me a card. Oh well was just happy he was here. He was always a good boy and a joy to have as a son.

My youngest son just got accepted into the welding program here which starts in a few weeks. We are over the moon happy. He was starting to get down on himself and I am always afraid things can go south as I've said before. He told his dad he was waiting for a door to open for him and it did. Of course I feel it was divine intervention because I have been asking for this for many years.

My heart goes out to all of you that have suffered and continue to suffer and I sincerely pray that better days are ahead for each and every one of you and your loved ones.


A real bustard
See the link in my signature.

Other than that we're good. I baked some wholewheat buttermilk carrot muffins today that came out very well.

My wife and I are going to the beach on Tuesday after we return Youngest from his latest court appearance & we are immensely looking forward to that. This will be our first beach day of the season.


Well-Known Member
Saw lots of good news on this thread, and if the news wasn't good--acceptance and understanding are a form of good news, too, I think.

Grandson is doing GREAT! The school district placed him in a therapeutic day school and it's been absolutely amazing. Is he still a pain in the keester teenager? Why, yes his is. Which is normal and I'm happy with normal. He's off all medications for the last five months and I think he's so much better. If we could have found a medication that was helping (and we tried soooooo many since he was five years old; he's almost 13 now), we would have no problem with him being on medications. But, they weren't helping. He's growing like a weed, sleeping well, and eating like a horse. This school keeps the kids for three years, or even less if they feel he's ready, and then they transition them slowly to a high school program that's appropriate for kids with emotional/behavioral stuff. He struggled so hard when he started at that school. They assured us it was normal and that he would come around. And he has. And the teachers hold the kids accountable academically, too. They start slow and now he's above grade level in several areas, at grade level in most, and approaching grade level in math. Phew! His old school was just basically throwing band-aids at behaviors so not much was getting done. Even so, it's amazing to me how much he was absorbing from somewhere.

My daughter (grandson's mother) on the other hand isn't doing so well. Still making foolish decisions, and the same ones over and over again. She hardly ever sees the kids. I guess she's working on her drug diversion program but I don't really know. I'm detaching. I love her, I miss her, I can't fix her. She has so much talent and ability. She's 42 and on her own. She's still living in her car, found enough money to join a gym cheaply so she can shower there (thank you 24 Hr Fitness--I teach classes for them and they give very good family discounts).

And as of Friday, June 7, I'm RETIRED from my Special Education teaching career. It's bittersweet. My husband and I were going to pull up stakes, cash out and move up to the Seattle area to be with my other daughter and two young grandkids, but we can't now because we want grandson to complete the program at this school. And his sister is so successful at her lovely k-8 school with many friends. We can disrupt either of those things, so here we are. Don't know how I will make it financially on a reduced income, but I'll figure it out. And it's not like we live in a crappy area. We live two blocks from the beach--it does not suck.

Love and hugs to all!


Roll With It
It is great to hear the updates, to see that y'all are still around! Things are stressful here, but not because of Wiz. Hubby got cut to half time, and may have another position, but we won't know for just over 2 weeks (if all goes well it will be 2 weeks!). He is having some health issues which is a very unusual state of being for him. Some is probably depression, but much started well before the job change was started. I think it is due to his blood pressure medication, but of course his doctors are out of the office all last week and this one!

Jess was just diagnosed with kidney stones, lots of them. We are trying to get in to see her doctor, but I think she is out all week also. We have seen a urologist, but he won't change what he thinks the cause is. She is also having job problems, not cuts but being forced to handle some things that just are not acceptable. She is on some medications that will help her other problems, but hates that doctor because he is a jerk. Once we are sure what our new insurance policy will be, we will try to find another doctor for her.

Tyler is doing well. He got a summer job (his job during the school year lays off most employees in the summer because the dorm is closed). He got amazing grades. He mostly kept his chores up and put gas in the car after he used it even!

I am doing okay. Mostly trying to keep up with things and cope with some health changes/issues. I am working on some projects/ideas of my own.

Wiz got a promotion at work. He gritched through jury duty, lol. He seems quite happy with his life. There is a gaming/anime thing coming up in a month or so that he is excited about. I will have the house to myself that weekend - even Jess is going this year!

It is good to hear from all of you!


Well-Known Member
Staff member
It is great to read updates. Thank you, Apple Cori for starting the thread.

Things are going so well here that I have to pinch myself. My daughter (the one that brought me here long ago) has over 3 years of sobriety, just got a big promotion at work that includes moving to a salaried position with a $10,000 raise, and is engaged and getting married at the end of November to a great guy that is also in recovery.

My younger daughter is happy and doing great in her career. My husband "re-retired" from face-to-face teaching and we are both now teaching part-time online which pays for our travel adventures.

My husband and I went on a two-week driving tour of New England last September and we took the whole family on a week-long Mediterranean cruise in October. We also moved from our large two-story house to a ranch home in an active adult community. I love not having to climb stairs anymore.

So knock on wood . . . we are at a very good place after many years of thinking our oldest daughter wouldn't even be alive at this point.

There is always hope!

Haven't been on site for a while as life has been very hectic. Got our master bathroom redone. It was suppose to be done in a week and took 2 weeks and 2 days. I finally got the last issue taken care of today. Looks good, glad to not be living in the chaos anymore. About a week and a half ago husband had heart issues and was hospitalized for a day. Has atrial fibrillation and has to make some life changes. Now for my son, the reason I am here. He is still in jail . As reminder he was picked up on a warrant for driving without insurance and then they charged him for bringing contraband (chewing tobacco)into the jail. He will not have another court date until the end of July. Very small town and rural area and only have court every once and a while. He has been locked up since the 1st of April.
I have been in quandary since talking with him yesterday as he asked if he could live with us for a couple of weeks when he gets out, he has no place to go. I am very hesitate to do this as usually when he is here he does nothing but stay up late and sleep in then leaves to go with people. I think to do drugs. Does very little around the house. My husband gets very irritated with him as do I but my husband confronts him and then they get into it. Concerned about my husband and him getting into it. My husband should not be stressed. Also husband went off his anti depressant- not good timing. My son really doesn't have a place to go. He would need to travel to a big city to find a homeless shelter. Thinks he can get a job in a couple of weeks but it is questionable. He has two court dates he needs to make, one about 4 hours from us and the other about 19 hours. I have no idea how he will get there as he has no car and I am not driving him. He has gotten himself in so much trouble it will take years for him to get out of it. He owes so much money in fines it is unbelievable. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. Who know what will happen in a month.


Well-Known Member
My husband gets very irritated with him as do I but my husband confronts him and then they get into it. Concerned about my husband and him getting into it. My husband should not be stressed.
Gosh. Overcome Mom. I don't see how you can have your son come home with your husband with health problems related to his heart, and their history of conflict.

This pattern with your son, by reading your signature, has been going on nearly a decade. There seems to be little effort on your son's part to turn it around. This is not to say he can't turn it around. He can. But where is the good faith? He just keeps digging in deeper.

An alternative to a homeless shelter for your son would be a sober living house. My son lived in one. For indigents, it was free. Free program, room and board, the only requirements being sobriety, program and volunteer work. This program was run by the rescue mission. There are places like this all over the country. There is an advantage to not being in your home town. You are away from your running buddies. People in situations like your son is go directly to these programs after leaving jail. Another alternative would be Salvation Army. Same deal.

The thing is, our kids often do not like the structure of these programs, and they don't like the rules. My son was unwilling to not smoke marijuana. He prefers homelessness. He liked the sober living home. He didn't like the control and rules. What in the world can we do, if this is the case? They are adults. They have the right to decide how they live. But realize this: This is his choice. Not yours. Not your husband's.

You are not obligated to help him, if he us unwilling to help himself. I might offer to research options for him. Might. But be prepared for venom if you set a limit. See how he reacts. And then if he mouths off, I would back off. The important thing here is the health and well-being of you and your husband. Son is an adult man. Who has made (and keeps making) choices that land him in ever greater difficulty. There are programs that give a hand. You are not a program. Nor am I.

Of course our sons matter. There is mental health treatment in jail. Is your son participating? Has he gotten a diagnosis? Is he seeking out treatment? Is he going to NA or AA, if they are available?

The question here for son is this: What does he plan to do differently this time? Where will he go? What will he do? What responsibility for himself and his life will he take?

I am sorry. There is a time when this needs to shift. But first it has to shift in your mind.
Son is coming up with the only question he seems to care about: What will you do for me?

My own child has some of the same issues. He is paying one hundred dollars a week to live in a garden shed. No toilet. No shower. No kitchen. No laundry. Sleeping on dirt. I hate it. But somehow he got the picture that it was inappropriate to keep asking for bailouts. He will not ask anymore. Yet I offer.

There have been too many times when his coming home has erupted into the same problems you folks deal with. Now my son is very hesitant to come home. Because he knows now he will be thrown out, if x, y, and z happens, and the police will be called. Over and over again, if need be.

I don't think it is necessarily that he is taking responsibility. I think his reticence in coming home is that he knows now that I am not playing. There are rules. I will react. I think this is his reluctance. I won't play anymore. I will suffer for him. Yes. But I won't be the fall guy. Nor should you be. Nor should your husband.

Nobody wants drama anymore. But I struggle like you do. I cannot bear his being out there. Fortunately, there is a second home I own, so I am somewhat insulated. But not entirely. Because I won't let him live like a dog there either. Oh how I know the pain of this.

I can see the writing on the wall in your case. It is much harder in my own. I admit it. But my son has not been in jail, there has been no criminality. He got himself on SSI. He does not use hard drugs. I am not saying I don't have huge problems. I do. But I am making the distinction here that your situation (with son) is more black and white.

How in the world can you have a man with an untreated drug addiction (with a history of arrest, prison, untreated mental illness, jail, etc.) in or near a home with an ill man and a mother who has handled as much or more than she can? I don't see how. Really, I don't.

I hope you keep posting. It will help.

PS. The fines, restitution, transportation, treatment--all of this--are son's issues to deal with, not yours. There is all kinds of support for him to deal with this, if he chooses to avail himself of it. You are NOT his only resource. You are his preferred resource. You are option A. Because you are easier, more convenient, more compliant and flexible. I am sorry. He has gotten a better deal through you. Up until now.
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Copabanana thanks so much for responding to my post . I know it is not a good idea not to have him come home even if it is for only a couple of weeks. I think it is questionable that it would be only a couple of weeks and if not the drama of getting him to leave would be a lot. I know that he needs to take care of this problem. I know I tend to be really negative about him. He has improved a little bit over the last 10 years. In that he is not as verbally demanding for money like he was when he was younger. I think he thinks I still should give it to him but doesn't say it anymore. For the last 6 years his criminal activity is limited to driving offenses and one drug offense. Also, he really has worked at getting jobs. He is very good at getting job absolutely awful at keeping them. He has had at least 9 jobs in the last year and a half. The longest was 6 weeks. He can get himself out of things for the moment but they always come back to bite him.

I have tentatively looked for sober living places but so far no luck. We live in a very poor state and services have been cut tremendously. Right now he is in jail in a tiny ,tiny town out of state. He has basically been homeless for the last 2 years staying at places for a short time and living in the vehicle he was driving. Just found out his license was suspended for not attending a court date for speeding. Like I said he is in a big hole financially. He owes thousands of dollars of fines in many different states. Not having a home seems like it makes it harder to get into a sober living place.
Copa I know that you work in corrections and it sounds like it is in a larger area.
There is mental health treatment in jail.
There is no mental health treatment where he is. The only way they would do any "treatment" would be if he was suicidal. Right now they don't even have any minister that comes in.This is a very punitive place in a backward state. His speedy court hearing is 3 1/2 months from his charge. I said this before but EVERY DAY he gets oatmeal for breakfast, baloney sandwich for lunch and beans and cornbread for dinner, some times he gets mixed frozen vegetables. There is no fruit so they put vitamin C in the water so that they don't get scurvy. I wouldn't have believed him but it is on their web site (they like to brag) and that is what they told me when I called. The only things he can order from the commissary are processed snack food or mackerel in a can. I also saw this list
I will put the onus on him but feel I will help a little when he gets out. He will be a town with no buses or public transportation, no money, no phone , no car, no clothes except what he is wearing, no belongings. I do wish he was in a larger more progressive area so there were more services available.

Let you now how it all turns out. Thanks for the concern


Well-Known Member
Copa I know that you work in corrections and it sounds like it is in a larger area.
Overcome Mom, I am very concerned. What you describe is horribly backward and inhumane. I am in California. We were so bad that medical got taken over by Federal receivership because we were killing too many people. I mean, not me, but the system. For 25 years the courts as much as ran medical in California prisons. It got better. But I guess this is what it takes. We had an organization that kept filing class action lawsuit after lawsuit, and they won for prisoners. It's a beautiful thing. That's how I ended up working in prisons, because prisons were forced to hire doctors.

Anyway. That's the story of it. I hate for him that he is in this situation. Overcome mom. Please, please keep posting. Or write to me through private message.

I would urge him to leave the state, but it sounds like it does not get better, if he has problems in multiple states. Will he be on parole/probation when he is released? I mean, will he have reporting requirements?

I don't remember the specific drugs he uses. Why do you think he loses the jobs? Is it irresponsibility, or being under the influence, or what? What is his personality like? Do you believe that he is trying to help himself? How is your relationship to him? I wish he could come here. We are a small city, and not well off. But there are services. Faith based and public. And I saw with my own eyes that men and women were helped. The man that runs that Rescue Mission is a retired pastor. My son says he is very nice. I was going to AA (long story) and I met a number of women who were in programs, too. I know people are helped. In California there are jobs programs, too. (I guess there still are. I used to do that for a living too. Send people to vocational training programs.)

You know overcome mom. His situation is not that bad. It seems overwhelming, but turning things around just takes one step at a time. There's hope. I'm trying to guess the state you are in. That would be so positively medieval. Not to be prejudiced against states, but gee whiz. That's terrible.

At 25 he is still under the age cut off I think for Job Corps, which I think is 26. That would be great. My son went. It's free room and board, and free, good trainings. Good supervision and they have drug treatment. There are sites all over the country. My son went to one near San Francisco. In paradise. He hated it, but what does he know?

Gosh. If we could get him to Alaska he could work in the fisheries or fishing boats and make 60k a summer, I think it was, somebody told me. If he is getting all of those jobs, he's got a lot going for him. Really. I feel so bad.


Well-Known Member
I get it. My daughter is so dysfunctional to our family that we bought her two homes and paid rent or part of the rent to not bring her home. She destroyed all we bought her, all we did for her. Now they rent a piece of trash.

Kay was bad but has never been in jail. But we knew she stole from us and raged and abused us and made us sick. We arent getting any younger. One thing we are sure of. She can never live with us. Not even overnight. She upsets the entire family and burned all her bridges.

There. are soup kitchens and food pantries. I assume they exist even by you. We dont live in a rich state either but we do have these things. If he is on drugs, a healthy diet wont be in his plans, just buying drugs even if he must panhandle.Kay has panhamdled which embarasses so much as she has never been homeless and probably was panhandling for extra money for pot. I suspect most of our kids panhandle. They want more and dont want to work for it.

You have to do what your sweet heart dictates. Remember though that if your son becomes a temant you cant make him leave. We know Kay would use this so its another reason we dont let her inside. She is no longer allowed to come in at all. She destroys our property when mad.

Do what you need to do in order to stay healthy in body and mind
I do appreciate all the different insights . He just turned 26 and has a high school diploma so no Job corps. I too have paid for him to live some place else many different times. Each time he doesn't take care of the place, pisses off the neighbors and then won't pay the water or electric. I am done doing that. I have paid for a few nights in a hotel just so he won't come home.
Copa if you want to know more of his history you can look at my old posts- Feeling guilty - Am I doing the right thing.Long Long story. I do have a fairly good relationships with him but wonder how much of it is because I give him money and do things for him. It was very strange when he was younger and running away all the time he would call me all the time to let me know he was Ok. When asked by police if he was running because of abuse at home he would tell them- no his parents were a little strict but that was not why he was running. One of my friends said he was running to something rather than running away. Think it was a combo of looking for friends and drugs. I think meth is his drug of choice. He says he is just going to stop when he gets out. Can't worry about going to meetings , he needs to get a job so that he has a place to live. I have pointed out if he is using he will not be able to keep a job.

He should not be on probation when he gets out . They will probably just give him time served and the release him. It is so depressing he has so many fines he owes all over the place I have no idea how he will ever pay them off and be able to drive.
Or write to me through private message.
I don't know how you do this.
At this point I will help him some but it is going to be up to him. Still totally undecided as to if I will let him stay with us for a while. I have a month and with him many things can change in that period of time.