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Family of Origin
Time to cut off from my FOO?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 666078" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar is right. I do not think no contact is a good answer.</p><p></p><p>The only reason it ever crossed my mind was because it was done to me so I had no choice.</p><p></p><p>If possible, I would maintain a medium chill relationship with everyone...as in, I will only talk about the wether, and benign stuff and only for short periods of time. That way, I avoid toxic discussions and can limit contact and the other person is not so badly hurt, which has never been my goal.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, some toxic peeps don't allow us to just talk about the weather and start arguments and then go onto abuse us. Some are so dangerous that if we do not do what they want, or if we ask too passionately what is going on; why are they angry, since we don't know, they will call the police on us. When our personal welfare is at stake, I then believe some of us who just don't want to have to worry about that happening have chosen no contact. Abusive rants against us can be leathal to our mental health and sense of self-esteem and can make us so obsessed with ther person's words and feeling badly about ourselves that we neglect those who love us in a pure way and our own selves too. Our mothers have already damaged us. Why let others continue in our mother's legacies?</p><p></p><p>Only we can decide what to do.</p><p></p><p>I never went n/c with my mother, but it would have hurt me less if I had. My brother and sister both have problems with me now and I'm not even sure that they are sure what those problems are, but I believe strongly that both are linked to our personality disordered mother and how she never raised us to be close. In fact, she the opposite so the opposite happened. The three of us have never been close at the same time nor has my any of us had no problems with one another. That's what a bad childhood can do to a person. It is going to cause strife in the family even after the death of the dysfunctional person and most of us touched by those people will also have some symptoms of whatever they had.</p><p></p><p>I think of my real family as my husband, my four adult children, my father and my two grandchildren. I don't consider anyone else important to me and this has greatly improved my life as I no longer care what they say or think. If I engage with them, I always feel badly so I decided it is in my best interests to turn the radio silence on for good. Recently my sister texted me. I have no idea why. It went to spam, surprised me because I don't even know where spam is on my phone...lol....but it poppecd up after I hit a bump while driving. I didn't read it. I saw the first two words. "I'm not" I think they were. I'm not even sure. I deleted it before I read it, but am disturbed that she felt safe contacting me at all. I am sure she knows I don't want her to and I have not contacted her.</p><p></p><p>If she contacts me again, because s he knows I don't want her to, I may actually get a restraining order against her so that she can not call my phone, write me a letter or an e-mail. She has a history of leaving angrily, then coming back again and this time I have decided her last cut off was terminal.</p><p></p><p>What YOU do, is w hat is best for you. Sometimes it is a slow process.</p><p></p><p>I know you have some wonderful people in your life and THAT is a big plus because then you can focus your love on those who can love you back. You don't need to put a big focus on those who can't and, if you feel they harm your mental or phsycial well being, you have every right to do a total cut off.</p><p></p><p>I am t hinking of starting a blog elsewhere. PM me if you are interested. Some family know I post here and it makes me feel somewhat unsafe. I am not sure I want to give them insight into my thoughts...</p><p></p><p>Have a GREAT day!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 666078, member: 1550"] Cedar is right. I do not think no contact is a good answer. The only reason it ever crossed my mind was because it was done to me so I had no choice. If possible, I would maintain a medium chill relationship with everyone...as in, I will only talk about the wether, and benign stuff and only for short periods of time. That way, I avoid toxic discussions and can limit contact and the other person is not so badly hurt, which has never been my goal. On the other hand, some toxic peeps don't allow us to just talk about the weather and start arguments and then go onto abuse us. Some are so dangerous that if we do not do what they want, or if we ask too passionately what is going on; why are they angry, since we don't know, they will call the police on us. When our personal welfare is at stake, I then believe some of us who just don't want to have to worry about that happening have chosen no contact. Abusive rants against us can be leathal to our mental health and sense of self-esteem and can make us so obsessed with ther person's words and feeling badly about ourselves that we neglect those who love us in a pure way and our own selves too. Our mothers have already damaged us. Why let others continue in our mother's legacies? Only we can decide what to do. I never went n/c with my mother, but it would have hurt me less if I had. My brother and sister both have problems with me now and I'm not even sure that they are sure what those problems are, but I believe strongly that both are linked to our personality disordered mother and how she never raised us to be close. In fact, she the opposite so the opposite happened. The three of us have never been close at the same time nor has my any of us had no problems with one another. That's what a bad childhood can do to a person. It is going to cause strife in the family even after the death of the dysfunctional person and most of us touched by those people will also have some symptoms of whatever they had. I think of my real family as my husband, my four adult children, my father and my two grandchildren. I don't consider anyone else important to me and this has greatly improved my life as I no longer care what they say or think. If I engage with them, I always feel badly so I decided it is in my best interests to turn the radio silence on for good. Recently my sister texted me. I have no idea why. It went to spam, surprised me because I don't even know where spam is on my phone...lol....but it poppecd up after I hit a bump while driving. I didn't read it. I saw the first two words. "I'm not" I think they were. I'm not even sure. I deleted it before I read it, but am disturbed that she felt safe contacting me at all. I am sure she knows I don't want her to and I have not contacted her. If she contacts me again, because s he knows I don't want her to, I may actually get a restraining order against her so that she can not call my phone, write me a letter or an e-mail. She has a history of leaving angrily, then coming back again and this time I have decided her last cut off was terminal. What YOU do, is w hat is best for you. Sometimes it is a slow process. I know you have some wonderful people in your life and THAT is a big plus because then you can focus your love on those who can love you back. You don't need to put a big focus on those who can't and, if you feel they harm your mental or phsycial well being, you have every right to do a total cut off. I am t hinking of starting a blog elsewhere. PM me if you are interested. Some family know I post here and it makes me feel somewhat unsafe. I am not sure I want to give them insight into my thoughts... Have a GREAT day!!! [/QUOTE]
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