Time to sell his car?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by vligrl, Mar 17, 2012.

  1. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Took my son's car (my car) for a ride yesterday and it was disgusting inside. I had completely detailed it the last time he screwed up by smoking in the car, to sell it. At the last hour, he promised....not to smoke )pot) or let anyone else and if I found pot stuff, it's gone. Staying in school and having a part time job to pay for gas was also a promise but since then he quit his job, does smoke and let others smoke in the car, left rolling papers, a tiny part of a joint, tons of air fresheners, lighter and matches. I had also found other pot **** that he got rid of or returned to the owner.
    Just opened his grades from Jr. College, second try, and out of five classes he is only barely passing one and the rest are F's. We drive him to school so Monday he will be meeting with his advisor to discuss everything and where to go from there. For some reason I feel like **** selling his car and buying one I can drive (it's a 5speed) He is very ****** and doesn't think he deserves this, of course. I have one thing of leverage left other than the car...I bought him tickets to a three day music event in July that all his friends are going to, for his birthday. We held out for a month before caving with conditions. His excuse about the car is the stuff I found is old! I shouldn't feel badly because I have given him several chances with warnings so I know I have to follow through, but I just feel so let down and also because of his grades. If he withdrawls he will owe the school money back for the Financial Aid. If he fails all his classes he probably will owe also. He tells me he wants to be a Social Worker...yet he is failing? WTF!
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can't believe how similar our difficult child's are...on second thought they are all the same and just their names are changed. We had the same car issues and my difficult child also failed all her courses at the community college and we still had to pay the tuition, and we are still paying off her financial aid from the state college she was suspended from two years ago.

    We took difficult child's car away when she was using and only gave it back to her when she was sober. However now she is completely in relapse and is convinced she is not an addict and freely admits to using and drinking and we just put the car in her name. We must be crazy. But it's her problem now, her insurance, her property to maintain and it will either be stolen, crashed or trashed within six months. But then she no longer lives with us and since your son does you have a bigger liability.

  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Your doing the right thing. By the way, "It's old" is a constant excuse I hear. I cleaned out that room 2 months ago once and for all-I mean everything and said, "I don't ever want to hear its old again." This hurts but, just read that post by one of our members about her husband and his journey. That sure helped me to hear that today! Hang in there, your doing good.
  4. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Nancy...knowing our son the way we do and how he never finishes anything, we had him (meaning me)apply for financial aid and he got it. They just sent a nice check to be used for living expenses..whatever, but if he drops out, withdrawals or has less than a 2.0, money has to be paid back like a bad investment, but it is in his name, not our's. He is responsible being "an adult" ha,ha, for debts toward the school. I'm no dummy. My husband on the other hand....our son owed the school about $500 after withdrawing last semester and my husband wanted to make sure he could start again so he paid the debt thinking our son was serious this time..ha,ha...and son promised to pay him back $100 a month (when he was working)Ha! Never spend money on a bad investment.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child took out over $15000 in Pell Grants and FAFSA loans for "school" and lived on it for a year. She didn't finish a single course either semester and now has a debt I don't think she will ever repay. But it is in her name so I don't worry about it. It is just one more consequence of her substance abuse. She admitted after it was all used up that she had been drinking heavily and that was why she either failed or dropped all of the courses.

    As far as the car, if you said you would take it away if you found evidence of drug use, then do it. We made the mistake of "one more chance" over and over again and they just learn that they really don't have to believe anything you say that you are going to do.

    If he is going to withdraw from school (which it sounds like he will have to do) and he doesn't have a job, what does he need a car for?

    Last edited: Mar 17, 2012
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    vligrl we did exactly the same thing. difficult child had no idea how and little interest in filling out the financial aid forms so I did it for her, even electronically signed her name. But it's in her name lol, not ours. So technically I can stop paying it at any time and she would be responsible. The problem is she would default and then they would keep adding interest and before long the interest would be far more than the loan and it would follow her around forever. So once again we are thinking of her future and paying it for her. I listen to Suzy Orman and she has me frightened about letting her default on srtudent loans. And of course difficult child has no appreciation for what we are doing.

  7. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    If he withdraws he will need a full time job and then.....move out. In my opinion he had every opportunity to move forward, but instead chose to screw up.
    I just don't understand why he wouldn't want to move forward and have some success since almost all of his friends went on to college and have worked and didn't have their own cars!
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    Sorry Nancy, if you're paying your difficult child's loans, you are not listening to Suze well enough. If Suze saw this post she'd say, "Are you KIDDING me?!?!?!" Especially if difficult child has no appreciation for it you should not be paying her loans.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    keista I'm doing it because we promised to send our kids to college if possible and we are paying easy child's loans which are ten times more than difficult child's. If we could not afford to do that of course we wouldn't, and she does know we will not pay for any more schooling for her, but she deserved the same chance easy child had until she blew it.

  10. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    What does difficult child stand for? Is it ok to say my son instead?
    My son is overdrawn by $44 dollars at the bank and has had numerous notices that they may close the account, report him to Chex something which will prevent him from getting a bank account for years and mess with his credit. Does he care? Does he ask me to take him? Even after telling him all the facts and at least go by the bank and get an extension after you close the account....nothing. Same with his tax returns from two jobs. Told him he needs to file before April 1st, he will get money back and I will show him how to do it. Nothing. He doesn't know it, but I filed for him and have the money going to my bank account. I was going to pay his bank fee but feel that since he has made no effort and has been told of the penalties for the future...that maybe I shouldn't straighten out his account and let him find out the hard way, again? Sorry, I know this isn't drug related. Should I have posted this elsewhere?
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing fine. difficult child stands for gift from God but if course you can call him your son. It actually took me a long time to get use to calling her difficult child but it easy an easy way to distinguish her from easy child, perfect child.

    You can post in whatever forum you feel most comfortable, or several if you want. I stick to this forum because everything about my difficult child is related to get substance abuse.

  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    sell the car. NOW. All that your warnings and second and third and nineteenth chances have done is teach difficult child that you don't mean ANYTHING you say. If you don't follow through on what you say, you send the message that it isn't a big deal and you don't really care, so why should difficult child?

    You CANNOT understand difficult child right now. You are NOT dealing iwth difficult child. You are dealing with, speaking to, living with addiction. PERIOD. NOTHING difficult child says until he is truly in recovery, not just sober or not using but truly honestly completely in recovery, is the truth. Addicts lie every time their lips move. There are no exceptions no matter how sincere or honest or moving their words and behavior is. It just is what it is.

    He is annoyed by your threats to sell the car and by you wanting him to not smoke in the car. He is positive you won't sell the car, so why should he bother with your restrictions or respect your property? For that matter, why should he respect you? You have not been honest with him. You told him you would sell the car, but you didn't. Not any of the times you said you would. You have not kicked him out or done anything meaningful to show him that you mean what you have said. So why would he be anything but annoyed by the things you say?

    I don't mean to be harsh. I am telling you what HE is thinking, NOT what you meant or intended. I know it is shocking and frightening to see the way he is thinking, but it IS what he is thinking, or what his addiction is thinking.

    You need to do what you said you would do. If he needs to have a full time job or be in school to live at home, then you need to think about how you will handle things because he has flunked out of school and he is NOT going to get that job or if he does actually get a job he sure won't keep it for long. He is positive you don't mean it and it would cut into his partying.

    Please read mattsmom's thread on this forum if you haven't. Her SO asked her to post some very moving and thought provoking and heartfelt things. PLEASE go to alanon or narcanon family meetings. Addiction is a disease that makes the entire family sick. YOU need treatment even if difficult child never gets it. I am so sorry things are so difficult for you. PLEASE get help for yourself.
  13. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    I knew a Dad that had all the kids that went to college, all four of them, pay for college up front and if they finished, he would pay it off. Sounded very smart to me. They all finished. If by some miracle my son ended up going to a four year, it would be in his hands as we do not have that kind of money, nor do I want to gamble with it. Them's the breaks.
  14. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Susie's right. If you say you will do something then you gotta follow through.

    I would be in a straightjacket if I hadn't gone to Alanon. Please consider trying a few meetings.
  15. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    If your name is on his account, then your credit rating can be hurt. I closed difficult child's account for that reason a month ago. Still haven't told him. There was less than a dollar in it anyway.

    Many places do free tax returns. He can go there next year.
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I often wondered that, too. One of my difficult child's best friends that was involved in some of the same bad things that difficult child did moved past it and is now a lawyer. Most of her other friends have moved on from difficult child as they grew up and started to lead productive lives.

    difficult child's don't care because they are numbed by drugs and that takes the pain away. Of course, they realize that their former friends have moved on to successful lives and that just causes more pain and they take more drugs.

    It is a vicious cycle and it will continue until something bad enough happens to make them want to change. Many of us had to kick our children out of the house knowing they would be homeless when we finally realized that we were just enabling their drug use. It is the hardest thing that I ever had to do.

    I hate to say this but I seriously doubt your son will find a full time job or keep it very long even if he manages to find one. My difficult child kept stringing us along while she was "job hunting." The search lasted months on end.

    At the very least, take the car away for anything but job hunting and make that contingent on being gone only 8am to 4pm (job hunting hours). Nowadays, many job listing are online and your difficult child many only need the car for going on interviews.

    I know how desperately you want to believe that those rolling papers are "old" and that he is not doing drugs now. It's amazing what we parents can convince ourselves of to avoid the truth of our loved one's addictions. I still find myself wondering if I could have really "lost" the jewelry that disappeared when difficult child was living here. Even though I found some of it in her room, she still denies taking the missing bracelet and ring. I know in my heart of hearts that she took them and sold them for drug money . . . yet, I find myself thinking, "well maybe, just maybe, she is telling the truth on this one."

    I guess it is a mother's love (or blindness) that makes it so hard for us to believe the worst.



    P.S. I did see your puppies. They are adorable!!
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    You are definitely doing the right thing. Especially given his grades!!! I am sorry that he is doing so poorly in school, that is not a good sign. What a disappointment.

    I don't think their drug use or addiction makes any sense to any of us, and not really to them either. I don't think they really want to screw up and blow everything off.... I think part of them wants to be successful as their peers but for some reason they dont know how and so they avoid it all by getting high.


  18. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    After he saw his grades last night he said that he is going to get them up to C's and wants to find something he actually would like to do instead of what he is suppose to do. He is creative yet he chose a Business major. So not a business type of guy. Also would like to move in with a friend when he starts going to college in the city by working and transferring to a Jr. College nearby or keep going here if he can't afford it. Didn't say a word about getting the car back. Also wants to start running to get in shape for the three day music festival. These are good things....I take a wait and see approach.

    Hey, I'm learning the ropes!!!
  19. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    I'm so proud of me! I sold his car after just two days on Craigslist! He didn't bug me about it but did ask if he could have some input on the next car since we will be sharing (his words) I broke the news that losing the car was his doing and driving MY new car won't be happening if he is smoking. He said he knows he needs to earn my trust back but also said he would still be smoking recreationally (his words) but promised he would not drive high and would not smoke in the car. I think I have been here before. We went from three cars two months ago down to one. Thinking of you Nancy.
  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Way to go, vligrl!

    And you are supposed to trust his promise that he will not drive while he is high? Seriously? I would just say that while he is still smoking, he will not be driving.