Tired, boss is nuts, & family communication is a problem

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Dec 6, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm too tired to write thoroughly but since I tend to write too much sometimes, that could be a good thing. LOL! My boss emailed me at the end of last week telling me to change my travel plans for this week. The people who work at the place I was visiting don't like him at all- they say he tells them to do things one way, then shows up later saying to do it a different way without even acknowledging that he told them to do it the first way at all. They seem reasonable enough to me and what seems to be bugging them the most is his unwillingness to admit he changed his mind or something happened requiring this change, or whatever. I get that- it drives me nuts too. My previous co-traveler told me to email boss with questions or things I needed to relay to him in order to maintain a paper trail because boss sometimes "forgets" what he tells you. Ok. I like the job- at least for a temporary situation. But boss is nuts. I had to jump thru hoops to change this next scheduled trip with 2 days notice. Then I come back and he's happy with me but says 2 people at one place (who also work for him) threatened to quit last week and took that threat to very high people before even mentioning it to him. He was not happy, needless to say, because the higher up didn't back him up quite as much as he thought he should have. Who knows how that will end up. He's done more weird and back(koi) things too but I'll leave them out to prevent identifiable info. I'm spending the week trying to keep him happy and doing what a different higher up requested of me, which I'm learning more inside stuff from and hopefully, that will help lead me to a more permanent job with this agency doing something more in line with my profession.

    Then- my son wrote my mother a letter and my mother emailed saying she'd respond and keep the subjects light. I got a PO box so she could write me there and I wouldn't be giving anyone in my family my actual home address. She sends a letter to difficult child for me to forward. It is a lecture to him then the last half was all "forgive your mother; she did the best she could" stuff. Now I already know that many here won't see the underlying manipulation in that, but I know my mother. She used to tell my exH the same koi, knowing he was hitting me. It made him worse toward me. Why? because statements like that add justification in the violator's mind that they have reason to blame me and/or will be "forgiven" by her if they do because she feels like it's my fault, too. Furthermore, she doesn't even know what all difficult child has done and hasn't even seen him in several years. If she wants to blame me for everything, I can't stop her, but I don't think she has any business making statements to difficult child that he should forgive me when she doesn't even know if he's blaming me for anything to begin with. So, I cut the second half of the letter off and sent him the first part.

    She emailed a couple of days later saying she hoped that letter was ok, she was "just trying to back me up" (that isn't backing a parent up if you don't even know what's going on in the relationship and she had repetitively been asked and agreed to not discuss family issues with difficult child while he's incarcerated). So I emailed her back and in one sentence said I'd sent the letter with that part cut out because it got into too many family issues and I had explained the same to difficult child- which I did. I haven't heard from her since. She's like insurance- she'll tell you whatever it takes to get you to do what she wants but then gets mad if you expect her to live up to what she agreed to. Needless to say, I haven't emailed or called or anything else. Good riddance.

    Then I get a letter from difficult child this past weekend. It was full of things like "I know you didn't want me to do ABC, but I am trying to do ABC anyway". Wonderful. They aren't major things, in a way, but it just tells me that he has no more respect for me being his parent than he did when he was at home last summer or when he was committed to Department of Juvenile Justice in the first place. I understand that he should be making more choices for himself at his age and especially since he's been in Department of Juvenile Justice the big majority of the past 2 years. But, I have a big problem with him coming back home to live still being a minor (meaning I'm still legally and financially responsible for him) with him still thinking he can do whatever he wants- like an adult makes all the decisions for him/herself. I have no idea how to deal with that-are we parents really supposed to tell teens that we know we can't control any of their choices so we'll just be here to foot the bill and show up in court when they break the law? Even if the laws they break include holding a knife to us or stealing our last pennies while we're sleeping? Furthermore, I IN NO WAY can take the chance of difficult child coming back to hack into things from this job like he did the last real job I had.

    I need to write him back but I'm really tired and don't want to say anything rash. But he needs to get a clue- I'm not his doormat. I'm still sleeping on an air mattress and yes, I hold him mostly (not all) responsible. And he ends his letter TELLING me to send him more photos of the new place. This kid doesn't need ANYTHING enforcing his sense of entitlement. And he refuses to discuss anything pertaining to what he did to me- stealing, knife threat, etc, when I visit but will tell me he'll write me about it then never writes a single word about anything other than what he's doing, pursuing and wants.

    Thank you if you read this.
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2010
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *HUGS* hon, it's a really tough situation. I hope your boss's higher ups take the hint that your boss needs some serious help and get someone more rational into his position instead, and I hope your kid comes to his senses soon.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wish I had some answers for you, k. Sending hugs and support.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that this week isn't going well. Overall it has sounded pretty positive lately. Hopefully it will return to that state soon for you.

    I don't think in a zillion years that you and your Mom are going to get on the same page. Limiting contact is about the best I can imagine you can do. There just seems to be too much history.

    Of course I have no idea what ABC could be that difficult child refers to but really he has not wanted to be parented for a long time.
    He wants to make his own choices and live the life that he feels is best for him. in my humble opinion, you could be Mother Teresa and he
    would still want to do his own thing. I think there is a snowballs chance in Hades that he is going to become compliant and
    honor your guidance. Yes, I understand that he is still a youngster...but he doesn't understand. His behaviors and his attitudes are decidely "conduct disorder" driven.

    As I said in the beginning I am truly sorry....truly sorry that the future likely isn't going to be what you hoped and prayed for
    in regard to your Mom and your son. At this stage I am hoping that your independent adult life will evolve to the point where you will have peace and happiness. DDD
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Ladies! The issue with my mother is no surprise at all- I learned in my early 20's that I was better off keeping her at arms' length, at a minimum. I was foolish enough to think I could ease that up a bit in order for difficult child to have a grandmother (and uncle at the time) in his life and that it would be in his best interest. Little did I know, but I probably should have known better.

    Anyway, regarding the current situation with difficult child, I don't see any indication at all that he would do any better next year if he returned to live with me upon release again. His only chance, in my humble opinion, is to go someplace else and live. However, I still think it would be extremely detrimental to him to go to my bro. It wouldn't be as harmful as when difficult child was 12 or 13yo, but with difficult child having such a small chance of ever returning to "normal" life, I honestly believe that situation would be contradictory to what he needs. I just don't know if what he needs is available at all given that the "system" says as long as I or my bro are options, difficult child won't go anywhere else. Then difficult child ends up re-incarcerated because I can't control him and my bro thinks he can let difficult child have sex and do drugs/party and difficult child won't get into legal trouble. Little does he know- I might have lost complete touch with difficult child in a lot of ways but I know him better than that. on the other hand, I simply have to consider what is in my best interest, too, this time. I'm going tostart talking to difficult child about some of this, via mail or at visitation or both, but I am not going to take any action either way until after he turns 16yo and a few more mos have passed for me to see if he is still excelling in school. This also gives me more time to get my head back toward "normalcy" so maybe I can make a wiser decision about what is in both our best interests, what course to take that gives him the best chance for transitioning (not that I'm holding my breath), etc.

    As far as work, I like the job and right now I feel like they are all happy with me. A couple of others though- and one of those being my super- I just can't imagine that there won't be more red flags raised to higher ups and it would amaze me if someone doesn't want some changes made sometime next year. I just hope they don't cut the contract for the whole company. In the meantime, I am networking and forming as many good "ties" with others here outside this company as I can.