Tired of being 'beat up' by difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Oct 1, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Several hours after giving me a list of all the things that she "needs" for Halloween (but she can wear them everyday, too, she says) that she was nice enough to add up and it comes to $200 (I'm not working remember?), difficult child has the nerve to come in here and start with the...why are you so mean to me, you never listen to me, the only time I cry anymore is when I've been around you. Mind you, this was completely out of the blue.

    What prompted this? I'm tired and I'm sick and she came in the living room a couple of hours ago and turned on the overhead light. I hate the overhead light. It hurts my eyes. When she walked out of the room leaving it on, I told her to come back and turn it off. Apparently, I didn't use the right tone.

    Oh. And she also doesn't need her medications. It's stupid and they don't work. I guess that's really what started it (after the light thing) because I told her that I wasn't having that conversation. She kept going and I told her she needed to stop and leave me alone - that I wasn't doing this. Then, I'm mean, I don't listen, I'm always mad at her and she only cries when she's around me.

    Then she tries to get out of it by saying she wants to fix these things. Yeah, right. She uses this circular reasoning because that's the only way she get around any valid points I bring up. And the blame is always on me.

    It's the same old tired arugments every time and I told her that I'm sick of rehashing everything because unless she hears what she wants to, she just argues more.

    Her perception is so skewed. It always has been. She's always been so hypersensitive that it doesn't matter how much I weigh my words or bite my tongue, I just cannot win. Everyone is mean and out to get her.

    I bend over backwards for this child. But, I'm just mean. If only she had a nicer mother. Maybe she should go find one.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Yep. I know. been there done that. Way too many times. I'm mean, horrible, and awful, too! You're not alone! I never get her anything, I never listen, and she only cries around me, because I'm awful, etc.

    Sending many hugs, a nice dark and quiet room, and a reprieve from difficult child nonsense. Hope she settles herself down soon.
  3. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Wow, she must really believe the world revolves around her. I'm sorry you have to put up with it while you are so sick. I hope she comes around and really appreciates you when she is older and gets a little maturity. To need you so much and value you so little isn't right.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You nailed it, HOC. She is and always has been the most egocentric person I've ever known. Way more than what is normal for kids. I don't know if it's the severe anxiety that has her in constant survival mode or what, but it's way past time that she needs to realize that other people have needs, too.
  5. ca_girls

    ca_girls New Member


    I hear ya loud and clear. daughter told me no less than 15 times today how mean I am, that I am so rude, that I don't care, that I don't love her, that I only care about her sister, how I never listen, how we all hate her.


    Hang in there and feel better soon!
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    been there done that. Still have the t-shirt. So, is she taking her medications? Any chance she's cheeking them.

    As to the Halloween costume, I think I'd have her tone it down a lot; $200 for Halloween (even if some of it can be used later) is just a tad too much. by the way, where is she planning to wear her costume? She doesn't go anywhere, anyway, right? I mean you never take her anywhere or let her do anything. Right?

    It sounds like your LMP needs a dose or two of reality. Sit her down. Give her a list of all incoming funds and a list of monthly bills or give her Monopoly money and let her "pay" the bills for the month, including food, gas, etc. Let her see how much you really are sacrificing for her and her brother.

    And since she only cries when she's around you, I suggest you tell her to stay away from you when she's feeling down. Maybe she won't cry as much.

    Sorry, I have little sympathy for Wynter, a lot for you. In her own way, she emotonally abuses you. It needs to stop.

  7. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Oh I never use the right "tone" according to both my difficult child's.

    difficult child I refused a drug test today and difficult child II refused Occupational Therapist (OT) take his medications tonight, I am going to wake him up now, and hope he'll take them if he's 1/2 asleep!
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You're just mean. If only you listened the right way and bought more *stuff*... all things would be right! The answer is yes... you need to say *YES* more often. You just don't understand how hard it is to be a teen... as if!!!

    I swear N is going to be just like Wynter! She sounds just like her already at 4... N was yelling at me today when I picked her up because I *dared* to give her a sandwich... shaped like a heart! WHY can't she just have something else. But the kid has too much anxiety to get food from the cafeteria.
    She already is trying to talk me into *the right* clothes also!@#*$*$!!!
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew the answer to this one. Happy go lucky planning halloween to "you are the only one who makes me unhappy" is 60 seconds flat. And she doesn't need medications. :slap:
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Ah, Heather ~ a $200 costume. Must be nice to know that the world revolves around you & caters to your whims or you'd cry & your feelings will be hurt.

    kt & wm got to this point - anything that came out of their mouths was rude & hurtful. I put a new rule into place (an oldie, but a goodie) - if you cannot say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I printed out this phrase in a big beautiful font & hung it on the kitchen bulletin board.

    I shut down immediately if either of the tweedles (still do for wm) was rude, acting entitled, or just plain nasty or sassy & pointed at the rule. If & when I rec'd an appropriate apology would I give kt & wm my undivided attention once again. Depending on my whim, we discussed the rudeness immediately or a bit later with dad.

    I have a few key statements I still use with the tweedles when they are acting the drama queen or king; or just plain rude.

    "Excuse me!"
    "Thank you for sharing"
    "I appreciate knowing that"
    "Is this working for you?"

    Short, sweet & to the point. After that I said nothing until I heard a sincere apology & how they would practice stopping & thinking before speaking. The tweedles have learned (over the years) that words are powerful ~ you can apolgize for what's been said, you may be forgiven for what you've said. However, mean rude words & behaviors are seldom forgotten & that has an impact on every relationship in their lives.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Gaaaah! It seems that Wynter is taking lessons from MeowBunny's difficult child, and Tink is taking lessons from Wynter! I am so sorry that this is an issue. I SO empathize.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I still am wearing that Tshirt - and I would love to take it off for good!

    Yesterday my 17 year old that has not had a job in a year - but has supposed to have been making efforts to get one said to me, "it is your way or no way, isn't it mom?'

    I was stunned to speechless. I asked her 'what?'.
    She repeated.

    I actually said to her, 'That is just such a bizarre way to think of things, difficult child. I do not know what you mean by my way. You need to get a job. If we were doing things MY WAY you would have had one a year ago because more effort would have been made.'

    difficult child: 'Well the only reason I don't have a job is because you are trying to make me get one.'


    And THAT ladies and gentlemen is why I look 50 at the age of 40.

    My advice is to scratch your head alot. Sorry! Nothing better than that!
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Since you have nothing to loose (you're always mean anyway) no more arguments. What you say goes, no more debates.

    When she whines about that 200.00 costume (OMG!) tell her to s u c k it up. She's not the only one doing without right now. Haul her to a second hand store or thrift store instead. If that's not good enough, guess what kiddo? You're too old for trick or treating anyways.

    I'm not trying to be harsh. But she's getting into this habit of arguing you to death until you're to the point of giving it up, or strangling her. been there done that In these situations it can be better to think of her as an overgrown 2 yr old. You wouldn't take such behavior from a toddler, don't from her. Of course, I tend to think of the teen years as another endless bout of the terrible twos all over again. sigh

    I don't doubt Wynter's anxiety. But this I'm the center of the universe thing is manipulation to make it so. Some typical teen with a little extra thrown in for good measure.

    Ugh. Glad those years are behind me. They were not fun.

  14. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Like someone already said, I also think that your difficult child is being emotionally abusive to you. difficult child 1 is similar to your difficult child in this way. difficult child 1, like your difficult child, actually thinks the world revolves around him. My only purpose in life is to kiss his arse, bow down to him, provide him with an endless amount of cash, and wait on him hand and foot:angry-very:!!!

    I've learned how to put difficult child 1 in his place. I never argue with him. I give him short explanations, period. If he asks why, I remind him that I will not argue with him. If he continues to try to escalate the situation, I tell him to leave the room. If he refuses, I leave the room and ignore him.

    I refuse to give him money for anything that isn't 100% necessary. difficult child 1 sits on his arse and refuses to make any real effort to find a job. husband and I are struggling financially due to the economic crisis our country is in. difficult child 1 knows this and doesn't care. All difficult child 1 cares about is difficult child 1 - plain and simple.

    So, when the time comes and difficult child 1 asks for money to apply to very expensive private colleges (his GPA is currently a 2.6), the answer will be plain and simple too - Sorry, I don't have money to give you for application fees - Instead of gaming, you should be working.

    difficult child 1 will probably try to make us feel guilty - Afterall, it's OUR fault his future will be ruined, lol!!! It WON'T work!!! Time for a bit of reality, difficult child 1:angry-very:...

    Heather, you are a very dedicated and loving parent who wants to make sure your kids have the best lives possible. I think your difficult child takes advantage of this. She is being very manipulative. Unfortunately, you can't stop her behavior. You can only change the way you respond to it.

    Sorry you're going through HE77 with her. Sending hugs... WFEN
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I am so amazaed to learn that all our difficult child's go to the same school of logic!! And here I've been, so worried about my difficult child's education!!

    As far as Halloween- it never was something I'd put a lot of money in. That would have really rubbed me the wroong way. I think I would have told difficult child that $40 was the limit but if he was rude or ungrateful one more time, he wouldn't get that. (And things were better financially then than they are right now.) He did miss at least on Halloween by having to sit at home.

    These days, he's a little older so if he wants something that cost more than what I'm prepared or willing to spend on it, he is allowed to earn money to add to mine so he can get something different.