tired of being so out of sorts

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amazeofgrace, Jul 8, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member


    I wish I were still angry and mad at S2BX. I do not like these feelings at all. My parents are being less then understanding. They just won't give me the space to grieve, and I feel like I am suffocating. This is what happened the last 2 times I seperated from him, and I did go running back, from one crazy to another. I am more determined then ever to get out on my own, even if it's in a shoe box!
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green


    I would set both of them down and calmly but firmly tell them that while you are 100% sure that you WON'T be going back to him, it's still the end of your marriage and you need to work through that. You also are greiving for the man he used to be and just because you don't want to be married to him anymore, doesn't mean all of those feelings just shrivel up and die overnight.

    If they can't understand THAT, then :ignoring: on them!
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I second mstang! Just make sure that you don't give into those feelings- remind yourself that it is a part of the grieveing and "letting go" process. What worked for me- I told myself I would stay away for 6 mos and then, if I still felt like I wanted to re-establish something I could. Of course, I had moved on by then- and you will, too. Grieving because you have to give up on the dreams you had and the life you wanted with him isn't the same as grieving over actually having that life with him and losing it. If you had that life with him, you wouldn't have separated- 3 times?.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hang in there.

    If you are tempted more than your own personal reasoning can handle, than remember that going back to him is the absolute worst thing for him and his recovery. He just spent months trying to get sober, if you ran back to him, you would more than likely make him relapse.

    Have you looked into govt subsidized housing, and welfare, to help get you back in your own house? You can call the women's shelter for resources.
  5. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I keep looking into low income housing to rent or buy. I have a small nest egg, but I do not want to move it until I am divorced because it is $ he can't touch. I keep rationalizing that if I buy my own place, if he ever were to be back in my life for any reason, it would still be my own place (which would = security to me). But again this is me daydreaming and not dealing with reality. I am so afraid of what the next days, weeks and months will hold.

    I am whole heartedly praying he will stay in the "recovery" stage and I do not want to do or say anything to make him relapse. That was/is one of my main concerns about him seeing difficult child's, they could easily knock him off the wagon.

    I guess it's reality that hurts the most. He is either going to achieve sobriety without me, and most likely live his life without me (and with someone else), or become a self destructive addict again. Either way it will hurt me, but I would rather see him be healthy, live and have some kind of relationship with his boys. I know I've said this b4, I just can't seem to digest the truth of it all. I keep hearing "what about me?" in my head.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    One thing my mom told me that is just so true, is....

    Even if he moves on and finds a happy relationship with someone else, he would never be that way with me.

    We fall into patterns and roles and I highly doubt that my ex treats his wife the way he treated me, but he would always treat me that way. Still does to some extent.

    I also agree with mstng. You need to grieve.


    You're in my thoughts, hon.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    My life:

    I don't share this too often, no particular reason - or maybe it's that I've moved on from that point in time.

    I was battered emotionally, mentally, physically to include numerous torturous events and at the least verbally abused to the point of loosing my self esteem, not talking, and being controlled in every aspect of my life. My story is not worse or less than anyone else suffering any form of abuse. It's just my past. So don't compare or think anyone should ever compare their misery to yours. You owned it, you lived it. It's yours.

    When I left my ex - I was nearly killed, but got out, took my son and what I could fit in a van. I left. EVERYONE HATED ME TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH. That was hard. Because I had fallen into the thought process that I had no idea what was best for me. THEY knew - and as controlling people? They would always make the outcome SEEM like THEY knew and TOLD me exactly what they had told me - came true. Making themselves look fantastic and all knowing and making me feel like a total idiot, which I am not. I'm quite brilliant. :tongue:

    So surrounded by all these people who told me I wasn't worth ****e, but depended on me for so many things without me even knowing - i made up my mind to leave. I had gotten to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died by his hands, I just WANTED OUT. Out of life, out of there, out of that situation. So I made up my mind despite ALL the naysayers and "Oh honey you should go back to him, he's a good man he'll be okay, he just has problems, or A good wife would stand by her man through whatever God gave them to handle, or I can't believe you would leave him and do this to your son or what my Mother told me - that made the most impact.....when I called after I had gotten out......?

    I called her from a payphone to tell her that I really was out, I wasn't going back and I would NEVER go back. Instead of telling me I was right or wrong - she said "For the first time in 13 years, I'll sleep." That was all I needed to know and never have talked to him since. Not once.

    When I got to where I thought I could live in hiding? I had my son, a few dollars, a stolen van x had given me, a dog, a turtle and whatever I shoved in the back in a hurry. DV shelters will usually tell you how to get out and get important stuff, maybe some pictures if you are lucky - so you have to rehearse and you have 10 minutes to get it all. THAT is it. And I did it.

    So there we are - living in my van. I had stayed one night with a friend, and x called and threatened them in such a haneous way they didn't know what to think and asked us to leave. So we did.

    I found out later - he had charged $40k to "our" credit. He had women pose as me, sign my name for vehicles, and utilities, clothes, beautiful furniture - you name it him and this woman had a ball on my name. In order to take him to court? I had to come out of hiding. Wasn't worth the risk. So I left it go, paid off what I could - Filed taxes - and fainted in the IRS office - for 10 years - this man this jerk -who worked on and off here and there - signed my name to IRS checks that I worked 3 jobs to have a little something - and NEVER not once did he give me a dime. Instead - his Mom did our taxes, and he got the cash and split it with her. But for the last few years - He owed the IRS over $42k. for jobs he did under a subcontractor status.......My thought???? If he OWED that much WHERE THE HECK WAS MONEY FOR ME? And I settled with the IRS for 1/2 - under the innocent spouse relief act.

    I worked 3 jobs on and off, dealt with my son, got him help. Saved money for a car, (still have it by the way), eventually bought a house ON MY OWN CREDIT after paying off what I could. And now I have a house full of junk. Too much actually.

    But in looking back - I'm not remorseful of NOT listening to ANYONE. I sleep at night, I dont' worry is he coming home tonight, is he out with a woman, a bottle, crack. Is he goign to come home in the middle of the night and beat me 1/2 to death over $20.00 I have hidden for formula and diapers for a baby? Is he going to choke me until i pass out and then say he was drinking and have all his family tell me he's sorry? NOPE.

    I'm going to bed, IN my OWN HOUSE, in my OWN ROOM, that if I wanted to drag everything I own out in the lawn and set it on fire I could and NO ONE would say a thing - (except the fire man if it's a red zone day without a permit) but Know what I mean?? IT'S MINE -
    AND once I was ready in my head to NOT pick a looser for a mate - I got one. And he treats me verbally, mentally, emotionally like a queen.

    I'm living proof - it can be done. It's not easy. I had NO ONE. But I lived to tell about it, and I'm here to tell you maybe .......years later - YOU CAN BE HAPPY without the drama, chaos and guilt. Yup - I had guilt too. But once I got into therapy and started really allowing someone to pick him apart (for that was tabu) it REALLY helped me to see that I am worth MORE than ANYONE gives me credit for. And I'm worth a quiet night in my own home, and I can do it. And so can you.

    I'm not pro divorce either - I'm for working it out together - but the key words there are working together - and he's not done his part and probably won't. If he does later ? Great - good for him, we all hope he finds sobriety and religion. But in the mean time - get on with your life while you have your looks and smarts and treat yourself well.

    Kapishe? Kapeeshe? (spell that for me it sounds like KAH PEE SHHHHHH)


    Hugs & Love
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OH and that little voice in your head that keeps thinking -

    Well if I leave him, and he gets sober, and finds a woman and gets a full time job and is happy and wins the lottery, and sails off to Jamica, and buys and island, and has dolphins in his back yard, and never ages, and never gets a wrinkle or a gray hair........

    and if i leave him I won't have that. POOP! WHat about me?

    Yes - what about you in that entire theory above included you to begin with? ahhhhhhhhhhh. owwwwwww. yeah.

    About you? YOU are going to:
    Leave him, he may or may not ever be sober, he may or may not ever find a woman - only natural to be jealous of that - if he can be sober with her - why couldn't he be sober with me? And what if he's a drunk and has a woman? Is that better for you? Him? Her? Not really (okay maybe on a jealous voodoo doll level it is BUT), what if he never gets a job? So what if he does get a job? You have a job! You are supporting him NOW - why not support YOURSELF and your SONS and continue to SHOW THEM what it is like to take care of THEMSELVES - you're a bad arse MOM - single mom taking on the world, workign every day even when you are sick - THAT is what about me - YOU ARE doing it FOR YOURSELF and YOUR KIDS and if he gets a lottery ticket and keeps it all - let him have it - jerk anyway - money can't buy him sobriety, happiness -or YOU. So you really dont' want to be in this scenario now anyway - you aren't a bought woman ........you are

    dat dah dah dhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...............


    IS WHAT ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE - I KNOW IT - pft the board knows it NOW........


    YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    :singer:WOW, Star, I was waiting for you to break out into a chorus of "I did it My Way" LOL!!!

    sorry, do not mean to be a wise arse, thank you, for your continuous support and kicks in the butt, that I so desperatley need right now!

    I just wish our emotions came with an off switch or a mute button at least

    PS and has dolphins in his back yard LMAO:rofl:
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You two are cracking me up!!

    Now, wonder why it is that I think you are going to be ok?