Tired of crying and having swollen eyes everyday

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Jenna0823, Nov 25, 2018.

  1. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    As I discussed in my original post , my 31 year old narcissistic daughter has been a heroin addict and pill addict since age 16. She has lied to me and stolen money and things from me and other family members and some friends. She has been in and out of jail and prison about 12 times. She has been to 2 long term rehabs. Relapsed more times than I can count. Just got off parole early. My sister and I had custody of my 11 year old granddaughter. My sister is nasty and jealous of my granddaughter and I being close so she signed over custody of her to my daughter who is 6 months pregnant from her boyfriend of less than a year. The boyfriend that she falsely accused last year and had put in jail for beating her up when she really hit her head by nodding out. I have always been an enabler. And a doormat for my daughter to use and abuse in all ways. Even physically. She is a liar and manipulating person and a com artist. Well now she got my granddaughter back but abandoned her 5 year old with a different baby daddy. Yes she has three of them. She has decided since she conned me I May out of $1500 and told me she was moving with me to start a new life and we could be close blah blah, she has now filled my granddaughters head with lies and has kept me from seeing her and talking to her. My son gets to FaceTime her occasionally but we miss her. I have gotten to say hello to her a couple times but she doesn’t seem interested in her grandmother any more. It hurts badly after all I always did for my daughter. More than I should have. Bought cars and bailed her out of everything always. Last night I said hello to my granddaughter while my son was on FaceTime with her and she ignored me. I asked her why she’s not wanting to talk to me and then my daughter jumped on the phone. I thought she was at work or I wouldn’t have tried to talk to my granddaughter. She started yelling at me and I said you sent me an email telling me that my granddaughter blocked me on her own and doesn’t want to talk to me and of course she denied it but I said I have the email. I then hung up because my son (28) and my granddaughter were listening and I didn’t want them in that drama. Does my granddaughter stand a chance as her teen years approach being raised by my daughter who is mean and cruel and dishonest and my granddaughters father just died of an overdose in July. I want to protect her but she is 8 hours away and my daughter won’t let me in her life. It’s my punishment for stopping enabling my daughter and calling her out on all her bs. Do you think at age 11 my granddaughter knows she is hurting me and is just siding with my daughter to form a bond because it’s been 5 years since my daughter was in her life. . I keep praying for my granddaughter to be back with us but nothing is happening. In April my granddaughter said she didn’t want to live with my daughter because she was afraid she would relapse. Then my sister just put her with my daughter anyway to be mean to me out of jealousy. I don’t know what to do or how to feel other than hurt and helpless. Does anyone have an insight for me ? Thanks so much
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Get therapy. You MUST to save yourself.

    These are very VERY sick and MEAN people and you need a sane uninvolved third party to teach you how to cope with this chaos and absurdity.

    Your daughter and sister are not going to change. YOU have to change and learn to love yourself, the way you deserve. But you dont know how. But you can learn. Many of us stood in your shoes once, feeling hopeless.

    You CAN do this for yourself but you cant change the others. Many of us learn to have good lives in spite of the mean people who try to destroy us. We dont deserve to let ourselves become destroyed.

    Love and light!
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2018
  3. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    All I can suggest is that you focus on today. You learned a lot the hard way. Those lessons need to be remembered but put in the past. Eg Forget your sister and who had custody when. Its only what is happening today that matters. I know you got lots of suggestions in a prior post. Try going through those one by one to see if any will help.
     
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  4. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I think I need counseling. In the past my counselor and friends warned me not to trust my daughter again but I did and I am out a few thousand more. What I don’t understand is that she is clean now and is still being mean and conned me out of money. I always thought it was the drugs and forgave her. Thank you for replying
     
  5. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Thanks for helping me. My past counselor and many friends warned me about trusting my daughter again. But I thought since she was clean now that she was being sincere. It was just another con job. And she is still being so cruel and nasty. I thought when you get clean you change yourself. I feel stupid for always forgiving her and getting taken advantage of over and over. It’s horrible the things she has done for 15 years to me. Will she hurt my granddaughter again ? I will find a good therapist and work on myself. Some days I feel strong then I see a picture on Facebook of my granddaughter and I crumble missing her. I raised her and now my daughter gets her back and I am chopped liver.
     
  6. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Perhaps it would help to learn about mental illness. You describe a daughter with potential mental health issues. Those don't go away. Talk to a therapist about reading material.
     
  7. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I have been reading about Antisocial Personality disorder. Sounds like her. Thank you.
     
  8. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Then you know that it will not improve with or without sub use.
     
  9. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Yes. I guess I am in denial or hoping that what I have read is not true. I wonder if my granddaughter will be like her after all the trauma she has endured from my daughter and now living with her again after 5 years with my sister and part time with me. What are her chances of growing up normal and not being an addict too.
     
  10. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    This gets into the nature vs nurture debate. Your granddaughter may or may not have the same mental illness. In my opinion, this is the deciding factor indicating her likely path. Yes, nurture matters a lot. But when it comes to mental illness nurture cannot triumph in my opinion. Treatment, yes. But I submit that the most perfect nurture experience cannot prevent the symptoms of mental illness. Treatment is necessary.
     
  11. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Sorry. You were referring specifically to addiction. Sadly the stats indicate, again no matter the nurture, that the risk of active addiction is often inherited. The co-mobidity of mental health issues and addiction can make the specific statistical probabilities impossible to predict. But, again, this is not in your control. Agonizing over what might be in the future is not helpful, any more than over what has happened in the past. The path to your mental health is in the present in focusing on what is in your control.
     
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is unfortunately unikely your granddaughter can be passed around from person to person (and one of them an unstable one at that) without attachment problems at the very least. But there is no reason to jump ahead and assume she will have ASPD.

    There is much evidence starting to surface that there is a brain difference that can be seen in people with ASPD.

    I am no scientist so you would have to look it up for more details, but evidence is mounting. There was sn excellent documentary about ASPD on the true crime channel called Investigative Discovery and perhaps you can find it on YouTube.

    If the new studies are true, this disorder occurs when the brain is different and is a physical illness. Unlikely anyone knows if any personality disorders are inherited. Unlike how it has been proven that schizophrenia and.bipolar run in families, it is my understanding that the scientific community is uncertain about what we so far refer to as personality disorders being inherited. No point in worrying about that yet.

    A tendency to addiction I believe has been proven to be inherited. I have two adopted children with addiction in their genes but one never even drinks alcohol and the other drinks alcohol and can do so responsibly and she does not use anuthing else, even pot. She is in law enforcement as her jobjand shuns self medication. She doesnt drink often either. If the person does not use substances, even if he or she has the genes to become an addict more readily, the person wont bevome one.

    Will your granddaughter be a well ajusted adult? Nobody can say, but truthfully it seems a difficult question at best. She is at risk, and even moreso if your daughter drank or used other substances while she was pregnant with her. All substances can cause brain damage. This is not mental illness if the brain damage is physical and due to alcohol or other substances affecting the developing brain of a fetus. It is not reversible although in some cases interventions can help.

    I am sorry that you have to worry about this. Certainly one's personality traits, minus substances in utero, are somewhat inherited. But there is a fathers DNA here too. He may not be there physically, but his DNA is 50 percent of what makes up your grandddaughter. Is he a decent man? Your daughter and the father make up 100 percent of granddaughters DNA.

    I can not speak for people I never met, but I belonged to a large adoptive parent group in which many of us knew our children's birthparent(s). Amongst the group, we were amazed by how much our adopted kids were like their birthparents, even if meeting them for the first time as teenagers.

    This included behavior, attitude and even certain phyical movements and ways of walking and talking. The vast majority of us in that group believed that nature trumps nuture.

    Are we right?

    The verdict isnt in on that either.

    There is no way to predict the outcome of anyone!

    Best to relax and hope for the best!
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2018
  13. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I agree that nurture can’t overcome mental illness. My sister and my daughter both spent the most time with my mother of any of us. They both were controlling towards her and she allowed it. She was an enabler and never stood up to them. My granddaughter also was with my mother a lot before she got sick and passed away. My sister isn’t an addict like my daughter though. However my sister is always saying she is dying from something and lies and tells people and has for a long time made people feel sorry for her when she really doesn’t have these diseases. In fact she got mad that my daughter has lupus. She wanted to be the sick family member. My mother always babied her. My granddaughter has a different personality so far than my daughter it at age 11 now she has learned to be manipulative and she has stolen money from my son as well as snuck and used my debit card a few times for stuff online.
     
  14. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    My granddaughters father recently overdosed on heroin and my granddaughter didn’t really spend time much with him over the years as like my daughter he was in and out of jail and rehab many times. My granddaughter was right there at his house though when they woke to find him dead. He was a kind gentle person as far as temperament. My daughter beat the heck out of him a few times when they were together. They broke up right after my granddaughter was born. They remained civil because he was civil. So my granddaughter has two hard core mischievous parents that really weren’t in her life until just this past summer or at times over the years but not for long before they went to jail or rehab again. Her genes are horrible
     
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Well the father sounds like a good man. A big issue will be if she uses substances or not. If not she could be gentle like her father.
     
  16. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    It’s so hard to sit back and just watch what could happen. I wish she was in counseling but she isn’t. I mean her father just overdosed while she was visiting him this summer one weekend. I don’t see how my messed up daughter can possibly raise her right. She abandoned her own son by a third baby daddy. It all just gives me constant anxiety. Glad I don’t have addictive personality. Just eat chocolate or take a nap when I get overwhelmed
     
  17. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Her father was a gentle friendly guy but a long time drug addict that just overdosed when my granddaughter was visiting him in July. Nothing like trauma for her to see him dead. And from drugs. Both of her parents have done heroin and other drugs for 15 years
     
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    She should definitely be in counseling if she was there when her father died. And for the other traumas in her life and to help her not experiment with any substances. This girl probably shouldnt even drink, although I realize that is hard to prevent. Still....so much addiction in the DNA. Not good odds ): i wish she lived with somebody who never abused drugs and would take her for the therapy she so badly needs. She has seen way too much and is not receiving any help.

    Poor kid
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2018
  19. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    That would be me. She wanted to live with me but my sister turned her over to my daughter to be mean to me. I have never abused substances and am a nurse that is stable. I was going to put her in counseling prior to her seeing her father dead on the couch. She told me she is fine dealing with his death. In the few times I have gotten to speak to her she said she was fine very nonchalantly. She lives 8 hours away now with my daughter. I have no control over what happens to her. I feel so helpless and afraid. I wish god would answer my prayers with a yes to her being with me. My daughters father was an addict and alcoholic and so is my oldest son but my 28 year old is not at all. He takes after me so much.
     
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Does CPS know she saw her father dead and is getting no help? How did your sister just give this child back to a drug abuser? Wasnt CPS or a lawyer involved? How did this work? Cant you go for custody?