Tired Of difficult child's Treatment Towards easy child

[Bunny]

Is this a common thing among difficult children? He seems to be doing better with the way he treats me, although that has it's ups and downs, but he is constantly so mean, nasty, and aggressive towards easy child. The therapist has tried to work on this with him until he was blue in the face. We just always seem to backtrack to "I'm the older brother, he has to do what I say, when I say it and if he doesn't I'm going to yell, scream and pitch a fit until easy child gives in and gives me what I want." Obviously, summer vacation, when they are together all of the time, does not make things easier. At least easy child is doing a couple of week long sports camps at various times during the summer so he will be out of the house for almost the whole day.

 

[sjexpress]

It is unfortunatly a common thing in our house that difficult child treats easy child horribly! In fact last nite I was the one crying by myself about it because I feel so bad for easy child. difficult child is just so mean to easy child. He teases him, is nasty to him, bullies him constantly, etc... I have no idea why though. When you talk seriously to difficult child to ask what the problem is, he just says he hates his brother and he bothers him! easy child is luckily one of these kids who can play by himself and has a great imagination. Yet, if easy child is happy doing whatever it is he is doing, this bothers difficult child and difficult child starts annoying easy child and won't leave him alone. I think it bugs difficult child to see easy child happy and having fun! Even if easy child is in his own room, difficult child has to go and see what he is doing!
The part that cracks me up is that many times difficult child wants easy child to play with him and since no matter what they try to play ends up with fighting and difficult child somehow getting aggressive and hurting difficult child, easy child has now started to get smarter as he gets older and is refusing to even start playing with difficult child. He just says NO when difficult child asks him to play. Of course this too sets difficult child off! Maybe if difficult child did not have to always win, cheat or have things his way, it would be better! difficult child of course is always "right".
Even outside in a big swimming pool, difficult child has to swim by or play by easy child and do something to him! I spend my entire day refereeing and I honestly can't take it anymore. If husband or I have to run errands, we always try to take easy child with us to get him away for a while. This summer each one is going to some kind of program but they are all half days so by lunch time we will all be back together again! At least it is a few hrs break for all!
We have even punished difficult child for the way he treats his brother and told him no friends until he could treat his brother nicely the way he treats his friends. This of course did not work.
The ironic and sad part to me is that in all easy child school work when ever he had to write a story or something, it was always about playing with his brother or all about his brother and that he loves him, etc,... I would show this to difficult child who then just for the moment would hug easy child and tell him he loved him and he was sorry for being mean! Poor easy child is like the abused person who keep trying and hoping things will change.
I don't know what the answer is but I am counting the days until school again!

 

[TeDo]

No, Bunny, that is not normal. That respons from his is VERY wrong and shows that he has a skewed concept of the "older brother". He just described being a parent, not an older sibling. He needs to know that YOU are the only one that applies to and until he's a parent, NO ONE has to do what he says. difficult child has this idea in his strange idea in his head and anything different is just illogical to him. Hmmmm You might need to get to the bottom of where that concept came from. That could be part of the key to that one.

 

[Bunny]

When you talk seriously to difficult child to ask what the problem is, he just says he hates his brother and he bothers him!

OMG!! This is the EXACT same answer we get from difficult child.

The therapist feels that difficult child resents easy child. difficult child feels that easy child is the cause of all of his problems and that if easy child had never been born his life would be perfect and he (and we) would have no troubles. He feels that we love easy child and don't love him, and I suppose this is his way of taking his anger out on easy child, which, of course, just makes me even angrier at difficult child than I already am!! Then if easy child doesn't want to play with him, he throws a fit and tells me that I have to make easy child play with him. I just told him today that if he had spoken to me the way he had just spoken to easy child I would lock my bedroom door and not want to play with him, either.

Tedo, if I had a dollar for every time I ave told difficult child that easy child does not have to listen to him and that he is not easy child's parent I would ber a VERY wealthy woman.

They've only been home from school a week? Really? Good heavens, the day after Labor Day (the first day of the new school year) can not come soon enough.

 

[firehorsewoman]

The therapist feels that difficult child resents easy child. difficult child feels that easy child is the cause of all of his problems and that if easy child had never been born his life would be perfect and he (and we) would have no troubles. He feels that we love easy child and don't love him, and I suppose this is his way of taking his anger out on easy child, which, of course, just makes me even angrier at difficult child than I already am!! Then if easy child doesn't want to play with him, he throws a fit and tells me that I have to make easy child play with him. I just told him today that if he had spoken to me the way he had just spoken to easy child I would lock my bedroom door and not want to play with him, either.

Similar situation here. My difficult child says that if he were an only child he would behave better. He says that if easy child just wouldn't "irritate him" he would behave better and feel happy all the time. I remind him that ALL people irritate him and that no one is happy all of the time. easy child bears the brunt of his blaming others "thing" for sure. difficult child says that easy child NEVER gets into trouble and is favored by all the adults in his life, etc....She is the main focus of his complaints and always has been. He was very verbal from an extremely young age. I would hear him babbling in his crib at 8-12 months saying, "No, _____!" (his version of easy child's name) Even then I thought it was unusual for some of his first baby words to be telling his sister NO especially when she wasn't even in the same room as he was!!!!

He is so needy and demanding of attention and she bears the brunt of that too. Many meltdowns have started on the occasions that easy child wants to end a game before difficult child, if she is winning a game, if she refuses to play with him, etc. easy child is a very easy-going girl who loves to entertain and occupy her difficult child brother....but his demands and needs are so extreme that it is impossible to meet them.

 

[Bunny]

It sounds like we're raising twins!!

My difficult child also says that he would behave better if easy child had never been born. Then I remind him that he was difficult even before easy child was a thought in my mind (there are 5 years between my two sons), so I don't buy that argument at all.

I'm like you. I won't leave easy child home alone with difficult child, not just because I don't trust difficult child, but because I don't trust easy child, either. difficult child and easy child will get into an argument over something, and easy child will definately take the first swing. difficult child then says that he's "not going to take that crap from some little 8 year old " and hit back and that would be the end of it. I would come home and find someone gravely injured, or worse.

I don't know about you, but I truly can't wait until difficult child goes off to college, although 5 years seems SOOOOOOOO long right about now.

 

[colorkittens]

I don't know if it's common but it's the case in my home for sure.

There are 8 years between my difficult child and my easy child. My difficult child is so hateful to easy child the majority of the time. I often think she sees him as an extension of me since he's so young and so she takes out her dislike of me on him. It's scary. It is so rare that she is kind to him that my easy child gets so incredibly excited when she is kind. She is typically only kind to him if she is in an abnormally good mood about something such as we took them out for ice cream or got them a new toy or something. It breaks my heart to see my easy child grow up without having a real sibling. My nephew, who is 11 like my difficult child is taking babysitting classes this summer because he wants to babysit for my easy child. It makes me sad that I cannot leave my difficult child alone with my easy child for five minutes without her yelling at him for something. It would be so nice to look forward to her being able to babysit soon like other older siblings I know of.

How does your easy child feel about having an older sibling that is so mean?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Colorkittens... you have a NEPHEW who's willing to babysit? one who you can trust and easy child likes?
Trust me... that is way "better" than a sibling.
It used to be so "cool" in the eyes of our friends that "we" were looked after by cousins for the summer... and they got stuck at the babysitters. WE did all the fun stuff (bike rides, pool) while they were stuck in the house until parents came and got them.

You don't typically have the sibling dynamics with cousins... if they like each other, it's probably a major win-win for both kids (maybe all 3?)