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Tired of hearing mom's advocating Tough Love
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 622747" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Tom, I'm sorry you are hurting.</p><p></p><p>I also understand very well what kind of blind, seething rage it brings on in a parent, when your child is raped or otherwise seriously hurt by others. That kind of rage just has to be directed somewhere, because if you direct it to yourself, you will self-destruct. Directing it to culprits doesn't really help, because they may be unknown and at least not there. Directing it to your hurting child of course is not a good idea (though that happens too.) Directing it to other parent is what is left for you often. And believe me, you don't have to be divorced for that to happen. But while I understand the anger too well, it is not appropriate to direct it to strangers that have their own battles and own anger and guilt and issues.</p><p></p><p>I'm not a big advocate of detachment, though I believe that it is an only option, when you can't save a person who doesn't want to do their part and when you have to save your own sanity or sanity of other family members. And about enabling, as popular concept as it is in certain movements, I have seen very little serious research about it. And what I have seen, seems to imply, that what is called enabling in certain circles is not at least causing harm to the 'enabled' and can in fact help. And tough love treatments don't seem to be too helpful in many studies. And we are certainly supporting our kid who has issues. But then again, we are not in the brink of exhausting ourselves either mentally or financially, so it is an easy decision to help him.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't help that typical trauma reactions and behaviours are rather obnoxious and insufferable at times. Addictions, anger issues, all kind of trust and responsibility issues and so on. It is understandable to just want to grab their neck and shake, and feel bad because of that. It is hard, when your child hurts. But in the end it is their hurt and they have to deal with it. Supporting and helping to find and pay resources may help, but they have to do all the real work to survive. You can fix them, if they are not ready or able to work for it. It is their life to live in the way they choose.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean I don't consider it a gross misjudgement from powers that be that something so precious as my son's life is in the hands of someone like him. Or that I don't have nice and neat Excel sheets about exposure therapists, their qualifications, specialities, any reviews available and other resources available in any of those eight cities (six in this country, two abroad) that I know my son's agent has been talks with. And that I wouldn't book a consult from psychiatrist I trust in the moment difficult child signs somewhere and ask for recommendations for that city. But in the end, it is up to him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 622747, member: 14557"] Tom, I'm sorry you are hurting. I also understand very well what kind of blind, seething rage it brings on in a parent, when your child is raped or otherwise seriously hurt by others. That kind of rage just has to be directed somewhere, because if you direct it to yourself, you will self-destruct. Directing it to culprits doesn't really help, because they may be unknown and at least not there. Directing it to your hurting child of course is not a good idea (though that happens too.) Directing it to other parent is what is left for you often. And believe me, you don't have to be divorced for that to happen. But while I understand the anger too well, it is not appropriate to direct it to strangers that have their own battles and own anger and guilt and issues. I'm not a big advocate of detachment, though I believe that it is an only option, when you can't save a person who doesn't want to do their part and when you have to save your own sanity or sanity of other family members. And about enabling, as popular concept as it is in certain movements, I have seen very little serious research about it. And what I have seen, seems to imply, that what is called enabling in certain circles is not at least causing harm to the 'enabled' and can in fact help. And tough love treatments don't seem to be too helpful in many studies. And we are certainly supporting our kid who has issues. But then again, we are not in the brink of exhausting ourselves either mentally or financially, so it is an easy decision to help him. It doesn't help that typical trauma reactions and behaviours are rather obnoxious and insufferable at times. Addictions, anger issues, all kind of trust and responsibility issues and so on. It is understandable to just want to grab their neck and shake, and feel bad because of that. It is hard, when your child hurts. But in the end it is their hurt and they have to deal with it. Supporting and helping to find and pay resources may help, but they have to do all the real work to survive. You can fix them, if they are not ready or able to work for it. It is their life to live in the way they choose. That doesn't mean I don't consider it a gross misjudgement from powers that be that something so precious as my son's life is in the hands of someone like him. Or that I don't have nice and neat Excel sheets about exposure therapists, their qualifications, specialities, any reviews available and other resources available in any of those eight cities (six in this country, two abroad) that I know my son's agent has been talks with. And that I wouldn't book a consult from psychiatrist I trust in the moment difficult child signs somewhere and ask for recommendations for that city. But in the end, it is up to him. [/QUOTE]
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