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Tired of hearing mom's advocating Tough Love
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 622764" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>the detachment is for us. It isn't for the benefit of the adult (note adult) child because that adult child is choosing to make bad choices. I have two daughters and both were raped, sadly. One got into drugs, but then decided to get out of drugs and make a good life for herself. The second one makes very good choices and is going to college next year. She has had a lot of therapy and is expected to do well and is a happy, popular kid. My son is also doing really well. Maybe it was all the therapy.</p><p></p><p>Life throws us many challenges. I have serious disabilities and mental health issues and I've had them all of my life. Nobody could help me with them but myself. And I did.</p><p></p><p>In the end, how old should our kids be when we still take care of them even when they are hitting us, swearing at us, destroying our property, stealing from us and destroying our lives and health. Most of us are up there, in our 50's, 60's and some 70's. We also have a right to live without taking care of 25, 35 and 45 year old adults who happen to unable to get their lives together, even if bad things happened to them in the past.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking about how sad it would be for me if I had felt so angry and bitter at the challenges of life that I had never tried, like so many of our difficult children don't try, and had blamed my parents. I could have easily ended up "bummed out", on drugs, an alcoholic or a bum in the streets just to show myself that society screwd me over. Yeah, that would help me.</p><p></p><p>If you are a difficult child, my suggestion is to do what I did and get help yourself. You are not a little boy and you can do it without your parents. Your parents do not owe you their health, sanity and very life because they gave birth to you. The best thing you could do for yourself is to move on from your resentment and try to thrive. I am a son who is autistic and he does not complain about the horrors that life has thrown at him...in fact, he is happy.</p><p></p><p>Only one person can make you happy and it isn't your parents. It's you.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the hardships you have encountered that have triggered your post, but this is primarily a support for parents with adult children who are destructive to themselves and abusive to them. Nobody should be allowed to abuse another, even a child to his/her parent. No matter who did what to you, that is no reason for abusing those who love you the most.</p><p></p><p>I know for a fact just by living with my girls that even molestation is not a reason to give up the rest of your life. You are given whoever abused you too much power.I'm sorry about your daughter (just re-read your post and not going to re-do mine, just take what you want from it and leave the rest). You need to get a lot of help for her. However, if she is stealing from you and hitting you and abusing you at age twenty-four, your mind may change as to what you are willing to do for her, especially if she refuses to get help. I am positive that she can heal. My daughter did. I also think therapy would help YOU a lot. We adopted a child who abused my two youngest kids (the autistic boy and his sister). We all were in therapy as it was a family matter. I found it very helpful to all be working on this horrific happening at the same time.</p><p></p><p>The people on this board do not expect instant adulthood from an eighteen year old. We expect either college or a job, which is reasonable. They should not be sitting around smoking dope all day. We expect respect. That's not hard to do. Three of my kids have managed to be respectful with no effort at all and not one of my children is problem free or had an easy childhood. We expect them to help around the house. In what way is that asking too much?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Disclaimer: This is just my opinion.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 622764, member: 1550"] the detachment is for us. It isn't for the benefit of the adult (note adult) child because that adult child is choosing to make bad choices. I have two daughters and both were raped, sadly. One got into drugs, but then decided to get out of drugs and make a good life for herself. The second one makes very good choices and is going to college next year. She has had a lot of therapy and is expected to do well and is a happy, popular kid. My son is also doing really well. Maybe it was all the therapy. Life throws us many challenges. I have serious disabilities and mental health issues and I've had them all of my life. Nobody could help me with them but myself. And I did. In the end, how old should our kids be when we still take care of them even when they are hitting us, swearing at us, destroying our property, stealing from us and destroying our lives and health. Most of us are up there, in our 50's, 60's and some 70's. We also have a right to live without taking care of 25, 35 and 45 year old adults who happen to unable to get their lives together, even if bad things happened to them in the past. I am thinking about how sad it would be for me if I had felt so angry and bitter at the challenges of life that I had never tried, like so many of our difficult children don't try, and had blamed my parents. I could have easily ended up "bummed out", on drugs, an alcoholic or a bum in the streets just to show myself that society screwd me over. Yeah, that would help me. If you are a difficult child, my suggestion is to do what I did and get help yourself. You are not a little boy and you can do it without your parents. Your parents do not owe you their health, sanity and very life because they gave birth to you. The best thing you could do for yourself is to move on from your resentment and try to thrive. I am a son who is autistic and he does not complain about the horrors that life has thrown at him...in fact, he is happy. Only one person can make you happy and it isn't your parents. It's you. I am sorry for the hardships you have encountered that have triggered your post, but this is primarily a support for parents with adult children who are destructive to themselves and abusive to them. Nobody should be allowed to abuse another, even a child to his/her parent. No matter who did what to you, that is no reason for abusing those who love you the most. I know for a fact just by living with my girls that even molestation is not a reason to give up the rest of your life. You are given whoever abused you too much power.I'm sorry about your daughter (just re-read your post and not going to re-do mine, just take what you want from it and leave the rest). You need to get a lot of help for her. However, if she is stealing from you and hitting you and abusing you at age twenty-four, your mind may change as to what you are willing to do for her, especially if she refuses to get help. I am positive that she can heal. My daughter did. I also think therapy would help YOU a lot. We adopted a child who abused my two youngest kids (the autistic boy and his sister). We all were in therapy as it was a family matter. I found it very helpful to all be working on this horrific happening at the same time. The people on this board do not expect instant adulthood from an eighteen year old. We expect either college or a job, which is reasonable. They should not be sitting around smoking dope all day. We expect respect. That's not hard to do. Three of my kids have managed to be respectful with no effort at all and not one of my children is problem free or had an easy childhood. We expect them to help around the house. In what way is that asking too much? Disclaimer: This is just my opinion. [/QUOTE]
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