Tired Parents

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tiredparents, May 22, 2011.

  1. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    This is hard to start. I am going to start with my son, I. He is 6 years old, his bio father has not been around for the last year. Thankfully my current husband is wonderful and my son calls him dad. I was molested by my stepdaughter, his fathers first daughter. We have had him in counseling with a psychologist for the last year, and our pediatrician and our psychologist are referring him to a psychiatrist for a possible diagnosis of Conduct Disorder. But nothing truly diagnosed yet. Some of the problems we deal with are I peeing on things in his room, he messes in his underwear on almost a daily basis, and hides the underwear. He is very aggressive to our 4 year old, chokes him, yells at him, gets so easily irritated with him. He will lie right to my face even when I have seen him in the act. He will do this with my husband as well. He is ending his kindergarten year, and to my surprise we have had no issues at school. Only at home. He can be very destructive to his things, and others things. We have problems with him being too sexually active with himself, which I know is normal to some extent. But for example my husband went past his room last night and he had his shorts down and quickly pulled them up when he heard my husband walking. So this I would classify as normal I think, but then when I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom, as I passed his bedroom and looked in, I noticed that he was basically prancing around his room completely naked. We are so worn out and it is hard to know how to deal with him, as we have 2 other children. I seen on someones post that their child can't stand to have the tags in their shirt, Isaiah is the same way. I never put that with anything that we are dealing with, but now I am starting to look at everything. I love this child with all of my heart. He is my first born and it is very hard to accept the things that he is doing. I am at a loss. His bio father definitely has some of the same issues, and obviously so does his daughter, whom I raised for 9 years. Isaiah has just had the perfect storm for problems. On top of his father walking out of his life, and him being molested, I suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm in August and spent 30 days in the ICU, since I have thankfully made a full recovery. My husband and I are looking to find the support from other parents who are going through the same type of things. Any type of response will be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much for your time.
    Shawn and Amy
    Last edited: May 22, 2011
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like a combination of genetics and environment from what you've explained. I would absolutely NOT accept a diagnosis of CD at this point. He's got to be 18 and have a long history of breaking the law and flaunting the rules of society. He's way too young for that. Find another dr.
    In the meantime, take the tags off of his shirts, slow down the pace of his life, and get him into a routine as much as possible.
    Poor kid, he's been born with-crummy coping skills, and then he gets hit on so hard.
    Have you read The Out-of-Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz and Lucy Jane Miller? I would recommend it.
    Welcome, and I'm glad you found us.
  3. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    Thank you for your response. It is greatly appreciated. Question for you. How do you put your signature? Thank you for your input on the CD, we have just taken what the pediatrician has said as a possible diagnosis. But now, I feel as though, I might need to look into a second opinion from a diff. pediatrician. Yes, he's been born with- crummy everything, except for the love that I have for him. My husband and I have tried so hard to keep the bio father in his life, but we do not feel as though chasing him down and making him be in Isaiah's life will do anything but harm. I know that the bio father has some issues, and so does his daughter. When I brought the molestation up to him, of course he denied that it happened, and so does his daughter. But CPS has said that the things that Isaiah has said proved that it had been a on going thing. He actually told them more than what he told me, and they told me that this was normal.
    We have had some recent contact with the bio father through facebook. I made Isaiah a profile specifically so he could communicate with him, they had one conversation and the next day Isaiah was blocked from his profile. I know this has some impact on Isaiah and his emotions, so this was my final attempt to keep the bio in the picture. I have more important things to worry about, like helping my son, and being there for my other two children. So thank you again for your response. It is greatly appreciated.
    Last edited: May 22, 2011
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Go up to the top of the screen and click on My Profile and Settings (separately) and follow the prompts and type into the fields. There is a key where you can review your changes b4 posting them. I had to do it 4 or 5 times to get it right!

    I would NOT want a pediatrician making a psychiatric diagnosis for my kid. I would want a PhD psychologist and/or MD psychiatrist, or PhD/MD neurologist or all three. Our pediatrian did his residency in a children's psychiatric hospital so we got lucky, but most pediatricians know diddly squat about psychiatric dxes, fwiw. Just call the # on your ins card to see if you need a referral so you can get it covered. If it isn't covered, I'd pay cash and skimp on Christmas presents. ;)
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Okay, I just went to Settings at the top of the screen and changed mine. Once you're there, look to the left of the screen and find "Signature."
  6. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    Thanks! I think I've figured it out! :)
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, you probably want to just use initials for your names, to protect privacy. Especially considering the sexual molestation and other psychiatric issues in your extended family! And maybe use another photo? Not that I'm being paranoid, just saying ...
  8. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    You never can be too careful! Thanks! I will get on that right now..
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    My sympathy and support to you and your child.

    Like Terry said, go talk to a psychiatrist.

    The only part I can comment/suggest on is the contact with bio dad. You've tried to keep contact open, even finding ways to make it easier for him, if he's not going to take advantage of it, you can't force it, and don't waste your energy trying. Right now it seems that it would be better for your son, but once your son gets older and finds out dad had to be FORCED to have contact with him, then what?

    I'm in a similar boat with my kids' dad. Kids have always been allowed to call whenever they want - they used to call more often, but now it's just holidays and his birthday. He can call, email, visit, IM anytime he wants, but chooses not to. I'm even willing to send them to visit him as long as his "inappropriate" situation is out of the house the whole time. (so not what everyone is thinking, I may reveal it here someday) He'd rather just not deal with being a real parent, and blame it all on me.

    You can't fix him(the bio dad). Even if he decides he's gonna work on fixing himself, you can't and shouldn't help - he is no longer your responsibility.

    You need to save and focus your energy on your child and current family.

    by the way you can edit your posts and remove the names where they were already used. there's a sticky explaining in detail why all the "secrecy" - paranoia has nothing to do with it. True digital age safety issues you may never thought of.
  10. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    My boys were also sexually abused when they were very young by a family friend's daughter when she was babysitting them. A LOT of the behavior you have described is very normal for their ages at the time of the abuse like the peeing, aggression, "self-stimulation", soiling, etc. He might be hiding it because he is afraid of your reaction. Have you dealt with these things with compassion and understanding or as a disciplinarian? It sounds like the therapist isn't doing much good or you would be seeing some sort of progress after a year in therapy. It might be worth looking into a different one. We also had issues at home and not in school because home is where the abuse took place so it wasn't "safe" anymore. That was a huge hurdle to get over but we did.

    Sounds more like PTSD and maybe Sensory Integration Disorder (SID). I would go ahead and see a CHILD psychiatrist but make sure he/she has ALL the information. A neuropsychologist might also be very helpful sorting things out.

    Good luck to you and welcome to our little ?family".
  11. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    Thank you so much for the responses that I have gotten today. I have totally went and corrected names and such. Thanks for letting me know I should do that!

    I agree with what was said about home not being safe anymore, but my only thing on that, is that the ex's daughter was removed from my home immediately after finding this information out, so I hope that he feels that home is safe soon, as she was removed almost 2 years ago now.

    In the beginning I did deal with I as a disciplinarian, but since we have been seeing the counselor I have been taking his advice on how to deal with I and the things that he does. For example, instead of asking "why did you do that" I have started asking, "Can you help me understand why you think you did that?" I have definitely tried approaching these times with more compassion and understanding.

    I am so glad to hear you all say that we should have seen some progress in the last year, because I have thought that myself, but I just try to go with the flow and listen to the "experts". So first thing in the morning I am calling to see if we can get a different counselor and try to get the referral for the psychiatrist pushed along any further.

    We have had a good day today, I am so thankful. I, played outside all day with his brother and there was only one time I had to speak to him. It is crazy how one minute he CAN be the "model child" and then the next he is a different boy.

    I have read many posts today about how some children get a different look in their eye when they are having an episode and I can agree with that, when I is having one of his days, moments, hours, he does get a different look in his eye and when you speak to him, its like he is not there.

    I am so glad that I have found this site, and I appreciate everyone's input very much!

    Thanks again!
  12. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    I completely agree with not helping the bio dad, he has made his choice and all I can do is to be there for I, as G does not even remember him. I totally agree on the fact that later in life when I finds out that bio dad was forced to see him would cause problems. All I can do really is be the rock for I to fall onto. I understand about bio dad not wanting to be a real parent and blaming it all on you, that is what my ex does, he tells everyone that I won't let him see them, but yet, he has my number, my facebook, my address. Just about anything he would need to make contact. I will never understand how you can just walk away from your own children. by the way, I did go through and edit the names and stuff, and I am going to look at the sticky as soon I send this. Thank you so much for your kind words, they truly do help. :)
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I wouldn't ask him WHY he is soiling/peeing/stimulating. He is 6, he probably has no idea why.

    I would --very calmly-- just say "Oops. Let's clean that up." And then have him help you clean up the mess. When it is clean, say 'that wasn't so bad'. 'Just let me know if it happens again and I can help you clean it up."

    Be very calm and low key.

    As far as the running around his room naked -- um, all boys do that ;)

    There are a couple of companies (Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, etc) that make tagless undershirts and underwear. Once you find a shirt/underwear/pants/socks that don't bug him. Buy 5-7 of each in different colors. It will minimize the clothing battle and make him less stressed.
  14. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    It's not that home isn't safe in that she is still there, it is that the memories are still there. That is classic PTSD. My boys have had flashbacks (where they are REMEMBERING it) as well as body memories (where they aren't remembering but their body is) on occasion in the room it happened in. I really feel sorry for I. Places, smells, people, and senses can all trigger memories. Glad to hear you are changing counselors and looking for a Child psychiatric.

    When I mentioned dealing with it with compassion and understanding, I was talking about "I'm so sorry honey. How about we get those clothes changed" or "It's okay you had an accident. You just need to tell me instead of hiding it". If it is PTSD, the shame (conscious or subconscious) can be unbearable at times. If the counselor hasn't helped him like he should have, I hasn't been taught to recognize these issues as being related or how to deal with them appropriately.

    If it turns out not to be PTSD, feel free to ignore everything I have said. But, having been there done that, it sounds all too familiar and I remember everything all 3 of us went through for so long. I am just thankful we found a counselor that specialized in sexual abuse issues, even in children. She was awesome and things got better in a few months. We still have trust issues but the other stuff has pretty much gone away.
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    May I make a practical suggestion? Change your coding system to give him a different initial. Because we use "I" to mean ourselves, it is sometimes confusing. You shouldn't (for your sakes) use any real initials anyway, or real names. Anonymity here is important especially if you ever have conflict over your child (with school, with family, with health professionals etc). You need to know that someone won't Google your names and find what you are writing here.

    Welcome, sorry you need to be here but it does sound like there is a lot going on.

    I'm sorry to have to suggest this, given how much you are dealing with - but please be aware that if a child has an underlying disorder anyway, they are actually more vulnerable to abuse. For example, a child who is less socially capable is therefore more easily led into abuse and also has a lot more difficulty identifying that something is inappropriate. It also impacts physical disability - a friend of mine was regularly sexually molested as a child and teenager, by older boys at the local swimming pool. They assumed they could get away with it because she was thought to be as mentally incompetent as her body was crippled. She put up with the abuse because she needed the weekly swimming exercise to build up her weak muscles. She told me she would just wait until the boys had finished each week, so she could then get on with her exercise.

    So it is possible that on top of PTSD, there may be a totally unrelated, unknown problem that risks getting masked by the known.

  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was getting confused with the 'I' usage, too. You can just call him difficult child. That is how we refer to our children that brought us to the site.