Tired.. so tired...

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Tryingsinceteen, Jun 21, 2017.

  1. Tryingsinceteen

    Tryingsinceteen New Member

    my son is 24 .. started having issues at 14... he was always very sensitive even as a toddler. He had a few good years since rhen. Worked part time for about a year and a half... he always had trouble making friends....from what I observe ... its due somewhat to him not trusting as he is very funny and entertaining the few times he has been himself. I am disabled due to arthritis , my husband has always been weak and not much help, he is my sons father. My son only leaves house if he goes with me because he is bored, he either refuses to talk to me or calles me names. He refuses to talk to or even text relatives to thank them if they say give him birthday money. He refuses to work ... sits in his room or outside til wee hours of the morning. Sometimes drinks but only to cope. He was in trouble with the law in the past, for minor things. I know now that he will never have a normal
    Life without help but he has refused it for years. It rips my heart out seeing him
    Mope around, wearing the same clothes every day, head down, getting more and more in his shell. I feel so drained due to my arthritis and the many years of trying to help him. My husband and I do argue as he is very weak and it causes great resentment. He has always been a cold person which im sure has not helped my over sensitive son. I try to think now that it is between God and my son, I tell him We are there for him, want him ti be happy, but I have tried to do things for me so I dont fall into a depression because of him. I was brought up in a dysfunctional home but fought to have a normal
    Life and reached out when needec help. I just feel guilty and sometimes just need a break.... it is so hard to day in day out because i cant work ... i try to stay busy...as the constant reminder and seeing my son mooe around is bringing me down. When people come over which is rare, he refuses to come out if his room or leaves. People have taken to not wanting to come over as they dont want to get him nervous as they know it affects me.... i am at a loss and tell him if he does not seek help ..there is not much I can do ... he needs to oull himself up and fight.
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Does he have social anxiety disorder?
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    I am so sorry for your despair.

    Does your son use drugs also or just some alcohol?

    He sounds depressed to me; however my son acted like this at times when he was in between binges. I think he was depressed also.

    I know how hard it is to watch someone you love live this way. I have done it and it sucks the life right out of you.

    It is very hard to make an adult do something they don't want to do. I don't know if you can sit around and wait for things to change because they probably won't.

    What you will probably have to do, and I'm thinking others here will agree, is start making some rules. IF he is going to live in your home he MUST go go therapy and MUST find a job within a certain amount of time.

    I know you probably do not want to give him an ultimatum and/or it would be very difficult for you but I do not see anything changing if you do not do this.

    You want him to go out, have friends, work, be happy, laugh, smile, enjoy life, maybe meet a nice girl. That's all any of us want for our adult children.

    Do you have any support for you? Is it possible you can see a therapist to help you maneuver through this difficult time? I would highly recommend that. Helping to set some healthy boundaries for you would help your son also.

    He is an adult now and not your little boy anymore. You will not be around forever to take care of him. He has to learn how to take care of himself.

    I know the helpless feeling of it all.

    You will find a lot of compassion and knowledge on this forum so you came to the right place.
    :notalone:
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think he sounds like classic high functioning autism, untreated. Social anxiety is a big part of untreated autism (even treated) and depression can be part of it too because the person does not know why he is different or what to do about it.

    I have a high functioning autistic spectrum son doing very well at 23, much more social now and working...self sufficient. In his own place. A happy young man. But he would be much like your son if he had not received intervetions and aid. It is too bad your son wont go for, say, a neuro psycholigical evaluation (a psychologist with additional training in thr brain). These are top notch diagnosticians!

    There are good services for adults with all sorts if disabilities. This can be the difference between a good productive life and a sad lonely life.

    Perhaps you need to tell Son he either goes for a neuro psycholigical evaluation and the help the neuropsychologist recommends or that he can no longer live in your house. Harsh I know, but he is going nowhere right now. He needs a hard push to get diagnosrd and helped. Otherwise this could be his life. And yours.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017
  5. momsad

    momsad New Member

    I also have a 19 year old son with high functioning autism and in a similar situation. He graduated from high school last year ~ which was great ~ but since then has not been able to get work or study (even online). He does not like any interaction with people and hardly comes out of his room except for food and to go into the back garden. After many months of back and forth, I recently set up a dentist appointment for him and gave him an ultimatum of going (even with me via bus/taxi) and pulling his weight around more. Sadly he has decided that he would prefer to be homeless and is gearing up to leave home next Monday and go on the road. I am devastated and heart broken and do not know what to do. Before he would not agree to anything like therapy or even a simple walk in the evening. So he has decided against any help or intervention and I don't know what will happen now. Do I give in so my son can continue to live here as-is or do I stick to my guns and risk losing my son?
     
  6. february

    february Member

     
  7. february

    february Member

    Maybe start by you seeing a therapist, to help you to help him.
    He needs professional help and your husband should be getting involved in this as well, Its a family crisis.
    God Bless!
     
  8. momsad

    momsad New Member

    Thank you. I've already been and seen without much luck over the years. I found this site recently while researching help and what to do. Now that he is over 18 it is very hard to get him to accept professional help and there have been many missed appts and other failed attempts. Hence the recent ultimatum as I don't know what to do anymore. I am a single parent. I reached out to various people and organizations and know that he would benefit from intervention and help but so far the crux of the matter seems to be getting my son to where he will accept help and support.
     
  9. Frieda

    Frieda New Member

    Welcome. I also tend to think that he sounds like a young man with high functioning autism, but than again my son has autism and like everyone I tend to see what you know. Either way, the symptoms of depression and anxiety seem to be similar. Your husband also sounds like he might be in the same category. Maybe do some more online reading on Aspergers and see if you think to fits with things you see in your son (or husband). One thing that really helped me as a parent was to understand what my son's true deficits were because I stopped being angry and resentful for the things he did not seem to be able to do and was able to realize that that was his disability. I do not know where you live and what type of services available are but at least where I live some help is available. He could qualify for guardianship, disability, vocational services or other supports. Most people with autism benefit from a schedule in their day. It makes your day more predictable, gives it structure and the predictability decreases anxiety. I am not saying to start out ambitious with something for every hour of the day but just little things, like pizza every Friday, laundry every Monday, watching a certain show every night at the same time. Your son (and you) might already have some of these patterns and maybe you can add some here and there and build from there. Structure and consistency will be helpful for your son.
    My son is 17 and has his ups and downs.I know how draining it is too worry and to feel anxious and helpless over the things that might be out of my control. A good friend told me many years ago that sometimes all you can do is just love your kid. On hard days I try and remember that I do try my best to chance the things I can, let go of the things I can't and 'just love him'. It is my own little serenity prayer for parenting.