New Member
difficult child had his first pass yesterday and I took him and some of his friends to the park to play football and then out to lunch. It was great! He was really happy, just himself again and there were no problems (other than we got MAJORLY lost!). We were 15 minutes late getting back because we were lost but I will call his counselor about it tomorrow.

I didn't hear from him last night which concerns me. When he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he would get very upset after his visits and get homesick. That's why I didn't bring him to our house (though it's really not ours anymore!).

He still would rather be with his friends than me, which I guess is understandable given his age, but I am TIRED. Tired to the bone. There aren't words to describe how tired I am.

Arrests, suicide attempts, Residential Treatment Center (RTC), the attack, difficult child in jail, getting difficult child into hospital, slammed with the divorce thing, cleaning and selling the house, worrying about difficult child, cleaning out the house (finally done, the dumpster in the front yard is full!), moving, worrying about the next steps for difficult child.

I KNOW he's an adult. I KNOW that it's time for me to turn off the "worried button", but I can't. I can't control him anymore, I have no say in his treatment - he is a legal adult. I am trying SO hard to not be his Mommy anymore and just be his mom.

He knows he can't come and live with me, but he won't talk about it. He HATES the hospital, but I think he's scared of what comes next. So am I. I am scared of the drugs. I am scared of him going back to jail for 9 years. God, I am SO tired of being afraid!

I'm afraid of moving. I don't know why. I don't want to be in this house anymore and it's sold so I have to go, but I'm scared. Not rational. Nothing seems rational right now.

Ugh. Not a good morning!


Active Member
of course you are tired. so much to think about and worry over. I know when ant had this last hearing, I hibernated and took off work, to tired to talk even for two days. I am so tired of his life that I can barely speak to him anymore for more than a few minutes. I have to protect myself from his misery.

I dont even think about the prison thing yet. every time I was afraid of some consequences of ant's he went ahead and raised the bar. he has no limit. I do.

so now I make sure I take care of me and what I can do. I cannot fix anything anymore for anyone.

I accept that.

moving is scarey too. I have been in my house 33 yrs. it is home. then again, there are lots of sad memories there. lately I try to change things in it to make it mine alone now that everyone else is gone.

if you are tired sleep
if you are sad-cry
if you are lonely-call someone
go with it. it cant last forever. feel what you need to feel. I know going outside is always healing for me. take a blanket and lay on it and see what shapes the clouds make. if it is raining, take an umbrella and sit where you can watch the rain wet the flowers.


Well-Known Member
Understandably so, you probably have a bit of anxiety creeping into your life. Take it easy. Do not pressure yourself. You have time. Take life a bit slow for awhile.

Glad you are checking in. You've been on my mind.

Hang in there, take some time to de-stress. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Try to start detaching from son; all the worrying in the world won't change his actions.

Hugs and prayers.


New Member

You have to take care of you for a change.
It is difficult to let go of the past and harder not to fear the future, but it is imperitive you try to. Read. There are many books out there that deal with finding your inner self, tuning out the negativity in life, Having faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. These types of things helped me, not only to de-tach from difficult child but it also helps me to live better for myself and my family. I wasn't doing a damn bit of good in the world when I was in the fetal position on the couch.
I hope this makes some kind of sense. I know how hard it is and how numb you must feel. It can get better.



Active Member

How awesome that you got to spend a nice day with difficult child. Wanting to spend time with his friends is pretty typical. Don't let that get to you.

It's understandable that you're tired. You've been through quite a bit in the last year. This latest with your marriage and then moving from your home has probably just piled on more than you're able to take all at once. Just take things one at a time; one day at a time.

We're here to lean on when you need us.



New Member
I wish you were all here with me. I just want to feel safe and I don't feel safe anymore. I am so afraid and I am tired of piling it all on my sister and brother in law. It's not fair to them and I feel like such a loser.

The good thing about the divorce is that I don't have time to obsess about difficult child. I have to take care of ME and there's not enough room in my head for all of it. I am not obsessing about him, but I am still involved in his treatment.

I talk to his counselor a lot and am working with her on the next phase of his treatment. I don't know where or when it will be.


Active Member
I know what fear is. I told boyfriend that my biggest fault is my fear. sometimes it takes a big hold on me and I get unresonably afraid and anxious. then I remember that I wasnt always this way. I used to be a very brave tomboy when I was a lil girl. nothing fazed me. then scarey stuff started to happen and it thru me for a loop. things I never dreamed of happened to me-my son died, my dad drowned, ant got worse and worse, my ex is sick man who tried to frighten me by leaving at night or hiding and sneaking around the yard...those things can change a person.

keep in mind your own words:

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be


New Member
Merris, even though you want out of the house, it's fear of the unknown creeping in. I know how tired you are, because I'm feeling that way myself right now. Between the death of my mother and finding out my husband had an affair, I am so overwhelmed and tired that I don't even know how I'm functioning. Most of the time I just feel ill. The only time I have had to myself to think has been when I hit the bed at night.

Maybe we can help each other get through this. I know my difficult child is doing good right now, so that isn't a worry to me, but I do worry about my dad right now who I'm bringing to the airport and sending home on his own in a few hours, and as I'm doing that my h will be moving out.

I know I'm looking forward to going home tonight and having some time alone. I hope something comes along soon for you to look forward to that will give you some peace.

Maybe knowing someone else is as tired as you are will help in some odd sort of way. Kind of like finding out there are others going through the same thing sometimes makes you feel a little bit better.


Roll With It

I can't say I have been there done that, and I have no magic words to fix this. I do understand the pain of being attacked and assaulted by your own son. It is devastating, and there is alway more you have to do to make sure your child, your attacker, gets the help he needs.

So I am sending prayers and very gentle hugs. Please take care of yourself.

I am here if you ever need to chat.



Active Member
Merris, you may be "tired" but your writing and your thoughts are very clear. I'm so proud of the way you are making good decisions. What I mean is, I don't hear the huge sadness in your writing. I "hear" someone who is pretty maxed out on the stress-o-meter, but who is handling everything to the best of her abilities.

Ant's mom had some great suggestions. Little baby steps, such as sitting outside for a few minutes is a great re-energizer. A few moments here a few moments there. After a while you can add more to those moments.

Give yourself "permission" to do small things for yourself.