To Share Or Not To Share....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DDD, Nov 6, 2009.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    that is THE question. I am NOT warm and fuzzy since I gave up my cigs. and still have the cold flu. I "almost" expressed my true feelings when meeting with the CPA neighbor who has lived accross the street for over ten years. I'm still bugged by the experience. Maybe if I share it will stop rehashing in my brain.

    Last Tuesday night easy child/difficult child went out with friends (not driving our car as he expected he would have a couple of drinks) and called me at 1:15 AM to say "Hi, Mama. I'm just around the corner from out house and I'm bringing a girl home with me. See you soon." Ten minutes or so passed and the phone rings again. "Mrs. X?? This is Officer Y with the Police Dept. I am with your grandson easy child/difficult child and he seems to be confused as to which house is his. Do you live on zebra street? No, officer, we live on zebra drive which is just one block W of zebra street. Meanwhile in the background I hear easy child/difficult child being LOUD and Obnoxious...the way he gets when he is inebriated since his brain surgery AND also how he sometimes gets when he is sober but overtired since his brain surgery. :( I put on my slippers turn on the front porch lights, open the door just in time to hear him tell the policeman "this is not my xyz house"...then he sees me and says "OMG, that's my Mama. Hi Mama. This IS my house." Yikes!

    After he is inside the policeman tells me that a neighbor called the police because a stranger was trying to enter their house...AND...that the neighbor had a shotgun out "to protect himself in case the police didn't get there in time". WTH! I didn't ask which neighbor but concentrated on being polite to the Officer while trying to keep the kid from being annoying.

    OK. Yesterday morning I see Mr. CPA pulling out of his driveway as I'm leaving for work. I smile and signal for him to stop...which he does with a big boisterous first name hello to me. (I'm not sure what his lst name is) We exchange pleasantries and then I say "did our grandson knock on your door by mistake the other night?"

    His voice turns macho and he says "I didn't know who it was banging on our door at 1:30 in the morning. Whoever the person was they were incoherent. I got my shotgun out and loaded it. I told the police I had the gun and was not afraid to use it to protect my home." Did our grandson say anything threatening at all? "No...but I am going to protect my home and my wife. Truthfully if he had tried to enter the garage I had every intention of shooting him."

    I had so many impolite responses fly thru my brain as I stood there. I kept my mouth "mostly" shut. I said "we are sorry that you had that experience." "As I explained to you and Mrs.Y. our grandson had a portion of his brain removed four years ago after an accident and his behavior can
    sometimes be bizarre BUT he has NO history of violence and evidently was dropped off at your house instead of ours by a friend. He was eager to get into his bed. We're sorry you were inconvenienced."

    The 50'ish CPA said "no problem" smile "my first name"....but I want to make sure that I am clear. IF he ever frightens us again I will not hesitate to use my shotgun.

    Can you believe that???????? I guess he felt BIG and MASCULINE and eager to share with his coworkers so they will know he is not just an overweight middleage ineffective accountant. Bah Humbug. DDD
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Your "macho" neighbor must have had the **** scared out of him that night because it sounds like he's trying to over-emphasize how brave he was in the face of potential danger.

    Were I in your position, I might cram my outrage way down and put on my most charming face and invite this macho man over to get to know your grandson better in the name of "mentoring" him or something like that. Know what I mean?? Something along the lines of "Gee wiz, I'm so sorry that he scared you since you are really such a great role model for him." Since your neighbor wants you to know how brave he is--perhaps appeal to him as the "neighborhood protector"--help watch out for my grandson--keep the bad guys off our block.

    JMO--Let us know how you decide to handle things.

  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I would have let the impolite responses fly away. This guy doesn't deserve niceties. Not after his last comment, especially.

    What a jerk.
    Lasted edited by : Nov 6, 2009
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I think neighbor is over compensating for having the utter beegeebies scared out of him. And it's possible he had no clue who was trying to get inside until the cops showed up. Then he was probably embarrassed on top of having been scared to death.........and now trying to be big macho guy and justifying his over-reaction to someone he knew. Although if he didn't know it was difficult child trying to get in......he had every reason to have his shot gun out and ready.

    Males react in these sorts of situations. They don't think. They do.

    Now I'd have said that I was so sorry difficult child had waken them in the middle of the night and scared the hades out of them........that I understood him being scared enough to get out his shotgun thinking he might need to defend the family. (and really if you think about it you can see his side) And then explain the surgery again........and the lingering affects it has on difficult child, and maybe ask him if he'd be willing to help keep an eye out for time when difficult child may be confused....not violent....confused, to make sure he gets home safely.

    My husband would've done the same thing being woken from a sound sleep to the sounds of intruders. Actually he did......with a baseball bat instead of a gun (can't have guns in the house with Travis)......only thing that saved the neighborhood kid a severe, possibly deadly beating was that Molly the dog scared the pee outta him and he took off before husband could get to him.

    Like I said, men react in those circumstance, no thinking involved in the process. Sort of automatic.

    Our neighbor kid was intented to steal anything he could get his hands on......but if husband had known it was just that kid he'd have only grabbed him.....not been ready to beat him to death.

    Anyway you could use this with grandson to run the fact home that for a person with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) (and surgery counts as such) with confusion issues/memory issues that it is basically taking his life into his own hands to go out of the house to drink on top of it? The thought of Travis ever being drunk scares me on so many different levels for various reasons it's not funny.....this is one of them......I could see him wandering off and majorly getting himself lost.

    As for you, you're having the typical Momma Bear reaction because you know grandson wouldn't hurt anyone and was just honestly confused. This reaction was enhanced by attempting to quit smoking. Neighbor better watch out, that may be grounds for justifiable homicide in some places. LOL ;)

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    LOL....I was "sweet as sugar", as they say in the South. on the other hand, easy child/difficult child is the only young man on our block. There is one little boy around eight. The street is one block long and the neighborhood is safe. The police respond to calls in a New York minute.

    Calling the police was the right thing to do. Grabbing his shotgun was not a wrong thing to do, in my humble opinion. BUT stressing how he "would" shoot him if it happened again really chapped me off. Truthfully :( I was very tempted to respond "if you choose to shoot my brain damaged grandson would you please aim for his heart as we couldn't cope with more extensive hospital care".

    I bit my tongue....and wanted a cigarette to calm my nerves! DDD

    PS: easy child/difficult child rang the doorbell and pounded on the door. He didn't turn the handle, try to shoulder it open, rap on windows etc. He was trying to wake me up. Sad.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    These are scary times. I don't know about your area but here we have news stories of "home invasions" generally started by doorbell ringing and pounding on the front door. To have that happen in the middle of the night would have me calling 911 and loading a shotgun if I had one.

    I'm sorry, DDD. I think the guy was a real jerk to make that last comment but I don't think his initial reaction that night was out of bounds. And I agree with Lisa that most men would pull the macho stuff to protect their loved ones, etc.

    I am afraid for your grandson. I don't know of one good thing that has happened in his life because of alcohol. I feel like I can say that to you because I also say the very same thing to Rob as he can't handle it either. Rob tells me that he hardly drinks at all since his accident. Of course I don't believe him. Unless both of them get alcohol under control, I fear for both of their futures. :(

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I agree with you guys. The scary part, however, is that he has delusions
    etc. when he is tired and hasn't had anything to drink. After four years there is no way to know what to expect. The vulnerability is frightening.
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It is frightening, DDD. :9-07tears:

    What do the docs say?

  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's very scary for your grandson because he doesn't seem to understand the invasion of someone's home in the middle of the night is very dangerous to him.
    I have no doubt that if someone was doing the same to your home or my home we would be ready to protect our children and home by calling the police and being armed. I don't own a gun but I am sure the baseball bat under the bed would be out and ready.
    Would you really wait to ask the person who is in the wrong place at the wrong time acting in an inappropriate way what his intentions were? I doubt it.
    Although you understand your difficult child's behavior it is unreasonable to expect regular people to understand threatening behavior at 1:30AM and be ok with it. Your grandson was in the wrong and people will defend their homes.
    All you can do is reinforce to difficult child that his behavior has put him in harm's way once again. You can't stop him from his bad choices but you can't be angry with others for dishing out the consequences that may come about.
    The neighbor is terrified and I'm sure you are terrified of the possible danger to your grandson. It's going to make everyone defensive.
    I hope difficult child learns something about why bad things happen to him because of his drinking.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Suz, the Doctors say that with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)'s delusions are not uncommon. They can not be controlled by medication BUT they can be triggered by alcohol. His can and do occur when he is sober...especially if he is tired. Just last night he "remembered" some people coming to his window and waking him up. He "didn't know them well" so he told them they had to leave "but one girl fell assleep on his bed". He shared this story this morning when he discovered he had a girl he didn't know in his bed. :( The "girl" is the one he has been friends with for two years. I sent him back to his room and told him "look at the girls told me that X was staying over last night when you came home". Yep it was X.

    You guys are exactly right when you say that he has to understand that drinking is harmful. He "knows" that BUT when he is with friends his short term memory loss results in him often thinking he has not had anything to drink or "one" drink when, in fact, he just doesn't remember the others. With the damage to the impulse control portion of the brain and the memory's trouble waiting to happen.

    Calling the police, arming yourself and feeling fearful all make sense. The threat?? Nope, I don't get that. Three days after the event I would expect that the emotions had calmed down enough for the neighbor to say "I hope your son understands how dangerous that was and never lets it happen again". Even in the ghetto one is not allowed to shoot a shotgun at someone knocking on their door or ringing the doorbell. It "could" have been a neighbor seeking help for a medical emergency and
    running to the closest house. DDD
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I am so sorry you had to endure any of this - but just FYI -

    The rest of that oh so polite conversation in the South would have been followed up with......(and no I'm not kidding) -

    "Well, no doubt you have to defend your home and especially against a child with a portion of his brain missing, and it would just be so tragic if you accidentally shot my grandson - you know the one who we told ya'll had a portion of his brain removed - 'cause no jury in this county would ever let you off and I'm sure you'd get the death penalty (long pause) probably fry like Popeyes chicken - Have a nice day now - bless your heart."

    You were so much nicer than I would have been able to be. I'm so sorry.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Star. I have enough decades in the South to have many possible conversations rolling thru my brain while I stand with my best DAR smile on my face.

    Just because your sense of humor is similar to mine (poor thing, lol) I have to admit that one considered response was "oh, I understand completely
    what you this day and age I guess we just have to assume that the worst is about to happen. Heaven help us since we are both aging quite rapidly. I've always been ready to help in a neighbor in crisis
    but perhaps you're right. If your lovely wife had to face a medical emergency....I guess we should just arm ourselves instead of offering assistance. Oh, my. What a world we live in today...not like it used to be when good Christian neighbors helped each other. Bye!