Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
difficult child daughter is angrier lately. She is making decisions that seem rational until the conversation deepens and the reasoning behind the decisions is exposed.
I have been thinking how to write this post.
I don't know what I need from you.
I need to rethink my way out of denial. I need to see what is happening for what it is. I need to face and accept it until it just is what it is.
So let me post about that, then.
Mental illness. The kind where people can be dangerous. The kind where people are scary to live with; the kind where people might not know what is real from what they imagined. The kind where they justify everything they want by blaming everyone else and employ manipulation which seems subtle until you pull yourself out of denial and see it as the bludgeon it was all along ~ nothing subtle about it.
difficult child daughter is living with her ex-husband and their two sons.
I learned yesterday that she threatened, some time ago, to harm the boys and then herself. So, the ex-husband quit his job at that time to stay home with she and the boys.
There.
I said it.
Okay.
husband does not know this.
difficult child daughter called yesterday crying about how rotten the lazy ex-husband is, about how she needs to get away, and he shouted that in the background until she admitted it was true.
All we knew at the time it happened is that she wanted him to quit his job. She felt there was wife-swapping, and that there was drug use, and that her ex-husband was looking down on her because of the way everyone was talking about her and I get it now that this was paranoia.
Denial is a strange little duck, isn't it.
I knew, but I didn't know.
husband says "Everything will be fine. Stay out of it."
I feel the husband ~ okay, so here's the rest of it. difficult child daughter was badly beaten a little over a year ago. And the male who beat her is responsible for what he did...but. But my fear is that this man too will be pushed to that point.
There were drugs involved with the other man. There is no drug use with the ex-husband.
I don't want to know this, right?
I just don't want to know.
Writing it out has helped me to face it, to sort of put a fence around it and have a look at what it is.
Is husband correct that we should stay out of it.
The conversation with difficult child daughter yesterday began with accusations about whether I had colluded with ex-husband to keep her children's whereabouts from difficult child daughter.
And I had.
And I said so, which is something difficult child daughter already knew. But she was crying and making everything she had done into her ex-husband's betrayal of her relationship with her kids.
The facts are that difficult child daughter was living with druggies, was living on the streets, was drinking and doing drugs herself by her own choice and even when she had her children with her.
The fact is that I bought the kids underwear and socks.
The fact is that though husband and I were giving money and cosigning and et al, difficult child daughter never had enough money and I get that now all of a sudden.
Denial is a strange, strange little duck.
I am really angry underneath, and I have been trying to forgive it.
To forget these terrible things happened.
But they are happening again, so I need to snap out of it.
Anyway, the upshot of the conversation, spoken in that certain kind of threatening wheedling apologetic (whatever emotion will work?) voice is that the tickets we were thinking about purchasing for both kids and their families to come for a visit in the Spring, when airfare is cheaper are...I have been directed, it has been suggested, guilt and dire consequences, along with the phrase on Facebook this morning that I do not know what she is putting up with, that I would never leave her there, would never expect her to stay there if I did...
The upshot is that I should check for ticket prices for she and the kids for now, and that she will do the same.
She wants to get the kids away from the father.
She has wanted this all along.
Christmas is over.
That is why this is happening, now.
Okay.
Thoughts?
Cedar
I have been thinking how to write this post.
I don't know what I need from you.
I need to rethink my way out of denial. I need to see what is happening for what it is. I need to face and accept it until it just is what it is.
So let me post about that, then.
Mental illness. The kind where people can be dangerous. The kind where people are scary to live with; the kind where people might not know what is real from what they imagined. The kind where they justify everything they want by blaming everyone else and employ manipulation which seems subtle until you pull yourself out of denial and see it as the bludgeon it was all along ~ nothing subtle about it.
difficult child daughter is living with her ex-husband and their two sons.
I learned yesterday that she threatened, some time ago, to harm the boys and then herself. So, the ex-husband quit his job at that time to stay home with she and the boys.
There.
I said it.
Okay.
husband does not know this.
difficult child daughter called yesterday crying about how rotten the lazy ex-husband is, about how she needs to get away, and he shouted that in the background until she admitted it was true.
All we knew at the time it happened is that she wanted him to quit his job. She felt there was wife-swapping, and that there was drug use, and that her ex-husband was looking down on her because of the way everyone was talking about her and I get it now that this was paranoia.
Denial is a strange little duck, isn't it.
I knew, but I didn't know.
husband says "Everything will be fine. Stay out of it."
I feel the husband ~ okay, so here's the rest of it. difficult child daughter was badly beaten a little over a year ago. And the male who beat her is responsible for what he did...but. But my fear is that this man too will be pushed to that point.
There were drugs involved with the other man. There is no drug use with the ex-husband.
I don't want to know this, right?
I just don't want to know.
Writing it out has helped me to face it, to sort of put a fence around it and have a look at what it is.
Is husband correct that we should stay out of it.
The conversation with difficult child daughter yesterday began with accusations about whether I had colluded with ex-husband to keep her children's whereabouts from difficult child daughter.
And I had.
And I said so, which is something difficult child daughter already knew. But she was crying and making everything she had done into her ex-husband's betrayal of her relationship with her kids.
The facts are that difficult child daughter was living with druggies, was living on the streets, was drinking and doing drugs herself by her own choice and even when she had her children with her.
The fact is that I bought the kids underwear and socks.
The fact is that though husband and I were giving money and cosigning and et al, difficult child daughter never had enough money and I get that now all of a sudden.
Denial is a strange, strange little duck.
I am really angry underneath, and I have been trying to forgive it.
To forget these terrible things happened.
But they are happening again, so I need to snap out of it.
Anyway, the upshot of the conversation, spoken in that certain kind of threatening wheedling apologetic (whatever emotion will work?) voice is that the tickets we were thinking about purchasing for both kids and their families to come for a visit in the Spring, when airfare is cheaper are...I have been directed, it has been suggested, guilt and dire consequences, along with the phrase on Facebook this morning that I do not know what she is putting up with, that I would never leave her there, would never expect her to stay there if I did...
The upshot is that I should check for ticket prices for she and the kids for now, and that she will do the same.
She wants to get the kids away from the father.
She has wanted this all along.
Christmas is over.
That is why this is happening, now.
Okay.
Thoughts?
Cedar