To the curb... one foot in front of the other

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. Technically we gave difficult child-DS a week more than we said we would...

    "Please email to let us know what you arrange for your abandoned items. We will discard/donate/otherwise utilize all items you have not made arrangements for that remain in our home thirty days from the date we send this email message. "

    Scavengers were at the curb this morning... they spent quite a while going through boxes and bags... eventually put it all in their vehicles and drove away.

    I'm the happy side of non-induced numb on this one. It doesn't feel like much to me... over all I feel like I accomplished something big.

    It is not as painful for me as I think it was for my husband. He's the one that wanted to wait another week. He woke up in the middle of the night with a stress headache.

    Every professional we've spoke to believes our adopted difficult child-s will "come around" and realize how wrong they have been ...eventually. Almost all of them have said it could take up to 20 years.

    I'm close to the one year anniversary of their collective "we're adults now, we don't have to take your BS" Reactive Attachment Disorder Melt Down.

    Meanwhile... I don't need to babysit their abandoned belongings.

  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Big Hugs and....congratulations. Although it was a tough road to get where you are now, I can understand the part about happy side of numb.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The happy side of numb.. what an excellent description. I've been there before.

    I'm sorry it came to this ... the image of the things on the curb and the scavengers gave me a pang in my own heart; I can only imagine how tough it would be if it were my difficult child's things, even though it was the absolute right thing to do. My Oldest has such little regard for her own things, she's left various items behind at place after place and never gone back.. that was painful enough for me, since I gave her some of those things she left behind.

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can only imagine that pang too. Now it makes me feel guilty for being a scavenger a time or two. Though I am pretty sure I scavenged when no one was home! Never really thought about why the belongings were at the curb. I will just continue to choose to believe in

    Im so sorry the kids didnt come get everything they could have possibly wanted. I think my Dad still has some of my old stuff but I could be wrong.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I know for a fact my parents have some things that are mine. And as soon as Onyxx moves out (around 1060 days now), my doll collection along with the case my Grandpa made for me is coming to my house.

    ...Onyxx freaked out BAD the first time she saw it, at age 8. She still refuses to go into my old bedroom at my parents', because all those DOLLS are there.

    Not sure what else, but I'm sure there is SOMETHING.

    However - it's not the same. Treating your parents' as a free storage unit is unacceptable. And TALAN - I am so proud of you!!!!!
  6. Thanks for the support and encouragement everyone!

    Janet, I HONESTLY don't think badly of those who scavenged what was at our curb... I was glad to see that people could appreciate what difficult child abandoned as crxp!

    It just goes to prove yet again... that his mental illness combined with youthful ignorance/arrogance prevents him from recognizing the value of anything these days.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Enjoy a less stressful life and the empty nest.
    I strongly believe that as parents we do not have to sink with our difficult children. At some point, you realize you are a person too and not just mom. You deserve the same right to a home environment of your choosing. Just like difficult child. If they want to be part of your good life they have to play by the house rules.
    Way To Go!!!!

    PS: as a side note, I am tickled to death when I put things to the curb at mom's house that someone takes them. It is better used than thrown away to a land fill.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "It just goes to prove yet again... that his mental illness combined with youthful ignorance/arrogance prevents him from recognizing the value of anything these days."

    difficult child has no respect or value for anything, either peoplewise or "things."

    You are so right. husband and I won't be around in 20 years probably to see if our difficult child(adopted) finally realizes what she had and lost. It's very sad and not a good recruiting tool for adoptive homes. But I do agree with what the therapist said.

    I know this hurts and I'm sorry for you and all of us out there in the same position.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I am sending you huge hugs - for both you and husband. This adjustment period is like a complete Twilight Zone. For TWENTY years or so someone handed you this bundle of a human and said "THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY" and you said "OKAY I " and did your level best at everything. You made mistakes, you corrected them, you laughed, you cried, you hoped, you dreamed, you cared, you adjusted, you allowed, you disallowed, and in the end with children like ours? You let go, and unlike parents of children who don't have disorders? We are never given a normal allowance of anything. Not even in letting go. It's all so surreal. Nearly unfair - if there was such a thing as fair.

    If my body was my dreams and readjusting things was physically able to be seen? I'm sure my boobs would be tucked in my shoes and not because of old age. Know what I mean??

    Numbness should never be a part of parenting that we have to get used to, but I understand and - stand by you and your choices which I know were very hard, and necessary. For both you and your child. If it makes your husband feel any better or gets rid of the tension headache? Tell him to journal and never show your son, or write his feelings of NOW down in a letter to his kid....and seal it up in an envelope and when your kid has a moment of clarity? Let him hand it to him and know how he felt about it all. That may help him get through this.

    We all get through difficulties - differently.

    Hugs for your day and days to come.

  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    You did everything in your power to make things better.
    You were fair and then moved into sainthood.
    Now, your two adult difficult child children can pick up the ball and run with it or not.
    You put the ball in their court and it remains there. So be it.
    I am happy that you are moving forward. Sure, it had to hurt like the dickens.
    But, you made it through this very rough time. Proves that you have what it takes.
    Time to continue your journey forward.
    Life was meant to be good. "It's choice, not chance, that determines our destiny."
    You have chosen goodness/life/joy.....
    We can hope and pray that your difficult child adult children do the same.
    We can hope and pray that in due time they will come to recognize all that you have done for them.
    We can't force them to see what is right in front of them or to act in a mature manner
    . You can only make decisions for yourself...which you have done.
    If scavengers pick up UNWANTED and DISCARDED be it. I need to 'babysit' these items. It's just more 'load' weighing you down.
    You have my good thoughts/prayers for continued strength/wisdom.
  11. Bean

    Bean Member

    I don't like how numb I've become. But it seems to be better than the alternative, which is freaking out all the time and feeling like I'm on the verge of a breakdown.