to those who are familiar with alchoholism, need advice

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by buddy, Oct 26, 2011.

  1. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So, I am caring for my neighbor who is 92 while her daughter is in detox. I have been driving daughter to health club and meetings to try to help her keep sober but she got sick agsin. Now in detox I am running over to make sure grandma eats etc. my other neighbor was scheduled to do it last night but I was at hospital and then my sisters and I needed that...I thought it was taken care of. TUrns out grandma insisted to her I was coming back to feed animals etc. that means she didn't get tea, animals didn't get fed...she refused the food neighbor brougt until I came. Oh Lord, I will go check now but I missed the text from neighbor last night. I feel terrible.

    So, if daughter gets out on thurs, that's good. Grandma is going to be so mad at me. (really she will feel hurt and be upset I think) and even if neighbor comes home, how do I know they are safe. grandma has forbidden me from calling her phn because she already is tryihg to get herinto assisted living. Her animals keep her alive. What to do? If neighbor doesn't come back and if she can't stay sober, I really know what I have to do but anything in the mean time??? At any other time I could do a better job with this but with difficult child in hospital.....
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    You will need to take a deep breath, recognize that this is NOT your responsibility, and call adult protective services. That is all you can do to make sure she is safe.

    PLEASE do not continue to take this on. It is above and beyond neighborly help and you've already got your hands full. Already you are feeling guilty over something that is NOT your fault. Gramma refused food from the other neighbor. NOT your responsibility. difficult child needs and deserves your undivided attention. Any "extra" time you may find is for you, because I'm certain you need and deserve it too.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Buddy -

    Years ago, we were at a "safety" show... and a firefighter made an interesting statement. Something to the effect that the worst thing he can do as a firefighter is to make it "his" problem. It isn't. Its "their" problem. It makes no sense to endanger themselves or others because of being all taken up with emotion... There is a problem. They do what they can to help.

    You need to do the same. This is NOT your problem. Yes, there is a problem. Yes, help is needed. No, you do not endanger yourself trying to help... They will suck you into their problem, and leave you with nothing for yourself and your son. Call in outside resources, if you want... but back away.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    You know Keista, you are right. I have limited what I am doing for them this time. But of course I love them and want grandma to be ok. she has survived so much (came from germany during the ugly times) and she has ptsd. They are very good to us too. But last time this happened I cleaned their house, even all the towels they throw on the floor for the dogs to pee on and the house just is so smelly from all the pet stink (two cats three dogs) and cigarettes, I just can't take it. I will clean kitty litter but I can't do that pee laundry. It is very cluttered too (And I am NO neat freak, but she falls easily so under normal circumstances..but the stairs gong up, holy cow she can barely walk. PHN sees it like that every month though). I ask daugher for gas money when she wants a ride and it always has to be planned. I do have pretty good boundaries but this caught me at a vulnerable time I think. I have daughter. credit card and I was at 1.00 in my account due to gas to and frm hospital. I went to get money to buy food and NOTHING. She now says it will be in there today. So my mom brought a bag and we dug thru our cupboards. Yikes, poor things. They are both really wonderful people.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Very hard to do IC and Keista, but I am calling my other neighbor too and we will do it.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, it IS very hard to do.
    Especially for people like us - who know that the system doesn't always work, and that the people who work in the system don't always care.

    But... I'm sure you're seeing the same red flags we are... and surprised that PHN isn't seeing it. Filth (towels for dogs to pee on = filth) and clutter are a danger to everyone else who lives in the complex. Lice, fleas, mice... who knows what else is lurking in there? In some ways, you and the other neighbor need to do this to protect yourselves.

    Remember, sending out a call for help IS being involved. I'm sure you're aware of stories, as we are, where issues were well known and nobody did anything... Not doing anything, supporting the status quo, is what these people you are "helping" want. But it doesn't mean its what they need.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Buddy, keista and IC are sooooo right. By calling in protective services you will be helping in the only way you can. Your plate is full. This was not a simple case of keeping an eye on the house or feeding the animals while the daughter was away. This was/is full blown care giving, which you do not have the time nor energy to keep up with. You have your own stuff going on, you need to be caring for your difficult child and yourself. How does it make sense to take on another family's troubles on top of your own?

    Enlist the help/support of the other neighbor and do the right thing for everyone. Big hugs, you're a kind soul with a big heart.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    So glad you are taking protective action for your neighbor. Don't feel like you have to make excuses. You truly do not have the time as your child needs all your energy. Sending supportive hugs your way. DDD
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I hear you. I really do. I have texted my other neighbor and I am going online to get the number now. Then I am going to make sure she is ok (she sleeps late so I wont wake her). I am going to sneak to see if I can find her nurses number because the money daughter gets for caring for mother should go to in home care for grandma, cleaning...bathing...etc. She doesn't want to go I get that, but maybe there is an alternative to the daughter being the caretaker. Ithink daughter needs caretaking herself. so they both should actually be reported. The animals are fine I am sure, they are all fat to begin with and grandma can with difficulty pour food in a bowl for them. But she IS a grown up and she could have called me if she was wondering where I was. So, I am over that. Thanks for reminding me. I think I needed permission to do what I was gonna do anyway, but it just feels awful.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Ok, so I called the county and they did a screening. i told them that she has a waiver and a public health nurse. They said they are going to call over there and check on things. I guess they wont tell me anything .....

    I also went and got her some food and turns out she insisted to my other neighbor last night that I would be there so she had to leave and not make dinner or feed the animals. I did apologize for the mix up (she just simply got confused so no point arguing). Her daughter called and she will be discharged and will be home by 2:30 tomorrow. I know when people show up they are not going to be very happy with me but.... some one has to monitor them. I hope they actually do show up. or all this was for nothing.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    This is the crux of the issue: I think I needed permission to do what I was gonna do anyway, but it just feels awful.

    I think it would have felt worse, had you done nothing.

    Keep your eyes open, let grandma keep you on speed dial just in case, and expect the other shoe to drop with-the daughter. She's been bailed out before, and just from your description, she is not ready for Real Life yet.
    Meanwhile, let the county/state do whatever they do and stay out of it as much as possible. No one needs to know you're the one who called.
    Also, you can called Codes Compliance about the household filth.