some stuff from the potada site:
The Abusers Weapons
The first weapon is the ability to arouse anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile, this person has been completely destroyed insofar as ability to help the abuser is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously, the abuser is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks it is thereby verified, and the abuser in his own mind justifies the former usage, and also now has an additional excuse to use drugs in the future. The gods first make angry those whom they wish to destroy, and the abuser has a long experience of acting like a little god. If your temper is lost, all chance of help at this time is thrown away, at least for the moment.
The second weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. Thereby, they are compelled to do for the abuser that which can be done only by the addict himself if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated. A bad check is a good illustration for this principle. The check may be written before, during or after the drug/alcohol abuse period. The addict does not have money in the bank to redeem the check. When the anxiety of the family members becomes too intense with regard to what will happen if the check is not redeemed, they secure money and cover the check. This relieves the anxiety of the family and the abuser, but it establishes a pattern for the addict in the area of problem solving. The abuser now learns that his family is not going to let him suffer the consequences; and he may expect this to be done whenever a bad check is written.
More important still, if the family redeems the check, the abuser cannot redeem it and therefore this failure is made permanent. The abuser cannot undo what others have already undone. This in reality increases the abusers sense of failure and guilt, and increases the familys sense of hostility and condemnation of the abuser. Thereby the abuser is doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the abusers guilt and resentment against self and family. The entire situation is thus made worse. The family did not write the bad check, but in making it good they gave a form of approval while they verbally condemned the same act.
Abusers are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the addict. This is in effect part of the illness. Neither the abuser nor his family is able to face reality. The writing of the bad check and the redemption of it by the family are but two sides of the same problem. The abuser can never learn to solve his own problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of the family compels the removal of the problem before the abuser can be brought to face it, and solve it or suffer the consequences. This home training course increases the addicts irresponsibility, and thereby increases the hostility, resentment and tension between the patient and the family.
The third weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse guilt. It is common to hear parents say, We dont know what we did wrong... and go on to list all the things they thought had been done right.
Moreover, the abuser will often accuse the family of injustices. He may or may not have truth on his side. If he gets the family feeling guilty, he can probably manipulate them. Most of us, under the pain of guilt, will try to make amends and be nice to the offended party. Of course, being nice often takes the form of enabling the abuser to avoid the pain of facing the result of his actions. At times, a parent feeling guilt will actually provide the money for the abusers continuing abuse, enabling him to face tremendous danger while he is especially vulnerable.
Tough love does not allow a child to play with a loaded pistol, no matter if the child accuses one of a lack of love. So it is with the family of an abuser.