to trust or not to trust

[joana]

yesterday i picked up my daughters cell phone and looked at her last text message it was from a 19 year old boy she says is only a friend for several years but just a friend.
anyway, the message read something like this.
you wouldn't take nude pictures and send them to me. yes he told me please don't tell him.

this got my curiosity so i looked at another.
a message from another kid said, ilove you, i love you more.
of course now i need to find out more so, i continued, back to the 19 year old, she wrote, i changed already, you are sick...

now, the questions, what should i do?? I can't mention to my husband till I know what is going on because he will flip. he already never lets her go out and she obsolutely cannot date till she is 17 so, do I approach her and just ask her what the text messages are all about, has she taken nude pictures and sent them to the guy she says is not a boyfriend,
the trust issue comes into play but i think my first priority is to try to keep her safe. HELP PLEASE, I'M GOING CRAZY.

 

[Star*]

Okay I'm having a little trouble following -

You have a daughter that is ?? old.

And she's not allowed to date until she is 17?

So she's going behind your backs and experimenting on the phone?

And you think she's sent pictures to someone else and told the 19 year old friend.

Do you think the 19 year old is more than a friend?

What prompted you to look at her phone anyway?

Let's go from there -

 

[SRL]

Is this a easy child or difficult child kid?

 

[joana]

easy child,

star,
i was watching tv the day before and there was a program about teens and dangers then i was on my computer and a spy program popup came up. I took it as a sign that I should keep an eye on my daughter.
she is 16
yes, my husband will not let her date till 17

I think she talks to JIM a boy about 17 or so and he is her boyfriend or something like that..(thats what I think) the other guy the 19 year old, I've questionedher many times and she says they are like brothers. He is the one who text her and mentioned the nude pictures JIM mentioned.
Not sure what else is on there, I did not want her to find me looking at her phone until I knew what to do with it.

 

[joana]

I know this gets a little confusing,
my daughter who is 16 is a very socially active. She has many friends, (boys & girls) and always want to be out.
We limit her going out and my husband has told her she cannot have a boyfriend till she's 17. She has told me on many occasions that she would have a boyfriend if she was allowed.
Yesterday I was watching TV and saw a program on teens & dangers and how parents should trust their kids but also spy on them....
Later that evening I was working on my computer and there was a pop-up about spyware, programs that track activity on computers. I took this as a sign.
Sometimes when my daughter is on her computer and I lean over to see what she is doing, she closes it and says she needs her privacy and I should trust her. She also is addicted to her phone, always texting.
So I decided to check it but since she always has it its hard to get get a look at it. Now that I did, I need to find a best approach to find out what if anything is going on. The 19 year old told her inthe text that the other boy told him abut the nude pictures.

hope this clear it up some.
Any advice would help.

 

[Hound dog]

Possible nude pics concerning a 19 yr old boy.

If it were me, the phone would be in my possession and stay there. At least until she stops hanging out with this boy. But I guess that depends on how honest you think she'll be when you sit her down and talk about it. Because I certainly would talk about it. There are some serious dangers with this sort of things. Kids tend to think those dangers only happen to "someone else".

easy child may not have done anything wrong. But it needs to be pointed out that a guy asking something like this from a "friend" is not really someone she should be hanging with.

Even easy child teens can do stupid things. Lord knows my easy child chalked up a few before leaving home.

Hugs

 

[NSWID]

Sometimes I feel confident and agree and other times I doubt myself. The trust will be broken and she'll hate me for going thru her things. But isn't my main concern her safety?.

 

[NSWID]

Joana
it seems we have very similar problems, I know my daughter has may male friends and seems to act like she has none. I still havent talked to mine, My difficult child already hates me, says I don't trust him and so does my easy child, so I know what you are going through.

 

[joana]

nswid,
why have you waited? I too don't want to break the little trust she has but I couldn't forgive myself is something else happened? like they say I'm taking the bull by the horns and sitting her down and finding out exactly what is gong on. Thanks for all your oppinions. Maybe after this I can sleep. <span style="color: #3366FF"> </span>

 

[Hound dog]

My kids know that as long as they live under my roof they have no "Right to Privacy". My house, my rules. Don't like it, go whine somewhere where I can't hear you.

And yes, this rule still stands although mine are now over 18.

However under 18, they knew I went thru their stuff as I saw fit. This doesn't mean it was a daily thing, but if I felt it was necessary it was gonna happen.

Your job is to be your child's Parent, not her friend. That comes later. (and trust me, it will)

Your #1 priority is to keep your child safe. If that means policing her things and activities, so be it. You're not God or a mind reader. (unless you're keeping something from us. lol)

She'll get over it. Life will go on.

But you'll hate yourself if suddenly nude pics of easy child start floating around everywhere, or godforbid something worse happens later down the road because easy child was never talked to for fear of hurting her feelings or violating her "privacy".

How would you feel if she was 6 and you found this on her phone? My point is, she's STILL a child, even if she doesn't want to believe it.

Hugs

 

[joana]

Thanks, you are correct, i'll get over it and so will she.

 

[Star*]

Joana,

I never needed permission in my OWN house to check something out or get a visual answer to my questions.

However - I did find out that if I was Stealth Mom - I found out a LOT more than I did if I just came out and went through his stuff. Including book bag, computer, room - etc.

My Mom used to tell us if we weren't doing anything that she didn't need to know about - we didn't need privacy.

I think if you go to her right now without proof of what she's doing - you're going to drive her to being more sneaky about what she's doing. OR if you say I think you are sharing on line pictures of yourself NUDE with boys it may make her feel like "Well she already thinks I do it - I may as well do it. It's largely difficult child in thinking, but also that of a teenager. If you feel you can't trust here - you can't, but once you blow your cover on your suspicions without some pretty hard evidence - I think it does more damage than good.

You're the Mom, you don't need permission to go through her stuff- but a few "trying to sound grown up" text messages and a spyware pop up, to me don't sound like grounds for invasion. It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with her - so why not just monitor the situation? As far as her computer - you can install something called Net nanny. And you should ALWAYS have access to her administration passwords as well as her user password. Not that you'll ever look at her computer - but the trust from HER needs to be there too.

Maybe it's time for a refresher chat on what's acceptable behavior and what isn't?

I have possibly the worlds sneakiest child - and I was never "stealth-Mom" until I was pushed into finding new a ingenious ways of getting the information I needed to determine if a suspicion was "family meeting" worthy. Never hurts to remind them what is expected of their behaviors and then hold your breath and hope for the best.

Hugs
Star