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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 637993" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is an incredible insight, Albatross.</p><p></p><p>Holding fast on a boundary we have had to struggle so hard to justify erecting between ourselves and our child in the first place is the underlying mechanism for all of it, for everything we go through.</p><p></p><p>It is traumatic for us because change is always an uncertain thing. Is this the right thing, is this the helpful thing, am I responding in a way I will respect...or am I excusing, am I justifying an inappropriate response I will come to regret.</p><p></p><p>And I know everyone says we have to let go of the outcome, but I want that healthy family I still hold in my heart. husband and I were talking yesterday about the way our kids hold us to the values of an intact family, of a family where parents support their children, trust their children, mourn and worry for and defend their children.</p><p></p><p>But for husband and for me, for every one of us, here on the site...our children have repeatedly betrayed us. They have stolen not just money and things and time, but they have stolen purpose, from us.</p><p></p><p>We begin to see differently.</p><p></p><p>It is the seeing differently that is so painful. We fight with our whole hearts not to see those changes, not to believe it.</p><p></p><p>We are reordering our understanding of the meaning and the purpose of our lives.</p><p></p><p>It's a question of knowing what is the right thing to do, but without one bit of positive feedback to show us we are going a right way, a way we will respect ourselves for in the future...whatever the consequences.</p><p></p><p>Very scary, especially when the difficult child is so young.</p><p></p><p>When the difficult child is older, like mine are, everything gets to be more complex. But at the same time, there is a natural growing away that wants to happen, when you (when I) when the reality of the difficult children adulthood breaks through the ten thousand denials built up over the years of trying to put things right.</p><p></p><p>I have a lifetime of focus on my kids and my family to look back on. I am further along in the path of my life. My choice becomes clearer. Do I spend whatever remaining years of health and of creating a living, breathing marriage...do I spend those years too suffering for children I have not been able to help?</p><p></p><p>It's a strange thing, a twisting by degrees, how everything got to be what it is.</p><p></p><p>But that was a stunning insight into the source of the pain.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 637993, member: 17461"] This is an incredible insight, Albatross. Holding fast on a boundary we have had to struggle so hard to justify erecting between ourselves and our child in the first place is the underlying mechanism for all of it, for everything we go through. It is traumatic for us because change is always an uncertain thing. Is this the right thing, is this the helpful thing, am I responding in a way I will respect...or am I excusing, am I justifying an inappropriate response I will come to regret. And I know everyone says we have to let go of the outcome, but I want that healthy family I still hold in my heart. husband and I were talking yesterday about the way our kids hold us to the values of an intact family, of a family where parents support their children, trust their children, mourn and worry for and defend their children. But for husband and for me, for every one of us, here on the site...our children have repeatedly betrayed us. They have stolen not just money and things and time, but they have stolen purpose, from us. We begin to see differently. It is the seeing differently that is so painful. We fight with our whole hearts not to see those changes, not to believe it. We are reordering our understanding of the meaning and the purpose of our lives. It's a question of knowing what is the right thing to do, but without one bit of positive feedback to show us we are going a right way, a way we will respect ourselves for in the future...whatever the consequences. Very scary, especially when the difficult child is so young. When the difficult child is older, like mine are, everything gets to be more complex. But at the same time, there is a natural growing away that wants to happen, when you (when I) when the reality of the difficult children adulthood breaks through the ten thousand denials built up over the years of trying to put things right. I have a lifetime of focus on my kids and my family to look back on. I am further along in the path of my life. My choice becomes clearer. Do I spend whatever remaining years of health and of creating a living, breathing marriage...do I spend those years too suffering for children I have not been able to help? It's a strange thing, a twisting by degrees, how everything got to be what it is. But that was a stunning insight into the source of the pain. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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