Today I told him he had to leave

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by so ready to live, Feb 18, 2016.

  1. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Our son showed up today after 1 week without contact, I'm not sure what he was thinking. I met him at door and said "your stuff is packed up, you can take it. He said what do you mean? I replied, you can't stay here anymore, you haven't called in a week. he has no phone but could have borrowed. You've broken every rule. (Respect us and our property-he had gone through my drawer and helped himself to 25.00, stole gasoline out of barn, cursed any time he was confronted, had his previous girlfriend over when no one was allowed in and today while getting his things together, I found a straw, clear baggies and "chewed" edge old insurance card-I know what this is-even doing THAT in my basement?) He got abusive, in my face- f***ing every other word. I asked if I would need to call police. I did tell him to also take his dog. One of our other sons showed up unexpectedly just after he went downstairs and quickly caught on to the issue and held me as I cried. I'm sure his presence leveled the field some as he was calm and has been a friend to this one. My husband got home five min. after he left. Now we have received mult. texts from ex girlfriend's phone asking us to take dog "just for few days so it won't be out in the cold" what lengths will they go to keep holds on us? They know at this point, i really feel sorry for dog only. we didn't answer texts.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Wow! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You had to do what you had to do. It's so hurtful to have to listen to our own children spew such hateful things at us. I'm glad your other son was there to offer some support and comfort.
    Yes, once we draw the line and tell them they can no longer live with us they will ramp it up trying to get us to feel guilty so we will let them come back home or give them money. Stay strong!!
    I probably would have kept the dog (I'm a sucker for animals)
    Hang in there. I'm glad you are here with us.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would get the poor dog. Its not the dogs fault that his owner wont care for him.

    You did the right thing about your son.
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Hello. I hope you managed to get some rest after your awful day. It is so hard to put them out...but I agree you did the right thing. You can't live in a prison. You can't live with someone who steals from you and disrespects you. There is no other choice but to make them leave.

    That said, I'd take the dog back too. How's he going to take care of it? Feed it? Shelter it? He can take care of himself, the dog can't. Worse case scenario, he can go to a homeless shelter if it's cold or raining or he's hungry, but they don't take dogs.

    The alternative is to tell him to take it to a shelter. If you don't like dogs, that's a perfectly reasonable response also.
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  5. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    I love dogs-he knows he can take it to a shelter-it's 3yo 50 # boxer-pitbull, no shots, unspayed, who leaves my 7yo lab and 13 yo rescue cocker cowering in corner, also aggressively chases my chickens. it has been here with him x 10wks-except many days he doesn't come home and we have cared for it, fed it and loved on it. TOO MUCH right now-I can't save him or his dog.
  6. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    A relative had a d c leave them with a pit bull - it ended up killing her dog.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh, totally different story then. Yeah...let him take it to a shelter if he can't take care of it. My brain automatically went to a sweet little puppy dog. You can't be expected to put up with an aggressive dog that terrorizes your other animals any more than you can be expected to put up with an aggressive Difficult Child terrorizing the family.
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  8. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    Chiming in here to reiterate that you did the right thing.

    Difficult young adults leave us with no choice because of their nasty choices.

    Stay strong.

    Love and light.
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  9. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    I feel your pain as I just had to do the same thing with my daughter minus the dog. The disrespect was NOT going to end but just get worse. the more you help them the more they rebel and blame you. You did the right thing and it's a hard pill to swallow because no one wants to have make their child leave home but enough is enough especially when they disrespect, lie and steal from you. Stealing is where I draw the line and my child had to go.
  10. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I am so sorry you had to go through this- but stay strong, stay the course. He broke the rules, was so in your face disrespectful. I do feel for the dog, we have 2 labs. I hope the dog doesn't suffer and get mistreated. If you can't keep the dog, hope he can find a good home.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi So ready, I am so sorry for your troubles. From your other thread, it has been a long haul for you.
    This is a juncture I have come to many times with my two. It is not an easy place to be, I hope you are holding up okay, and taking care of your needs. Be very kind to yourself, and start building up your armory. Posting really helps, to get feedback from folks who have been on a similar journey. It will help if you add information on your signature, then people can use that for a quick reference when responding. On your first post there's info about your son that would help others understand your situation. That is up to you though what you put in there.

    SRTL, this is hard. When my daughters got verbally abusive in my face, I went through so many different emotions. I am sorry this happened to you. For me, it sent me on this life's review, from their childhood on. I think I got stuck at some rough spots, went through a guilty phase for a bit, then realized I was only human and did the best I could do as a parent. You did the right thing in having him leave. It is not possible to have an adult child live in our homes and not follow rules, that is unacceptable. Whether or not there is substance abuse or mental health issues is not the question, our homes are our sanctuaries and rule breaking is non negotiable.
    You and your husband took a stand and said no more.
    I am sorry about the dog, I have been in that position before, too. It is not the dogs fault, but it is also not your responsibility. Sorry, I am an animal lover too, it is hard to have your kids choices forced upon you, especially if we have our own animals to care for. My daughter has brought flea and tick ridden, sick dogs. It is tough....... You did the right thing.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. This can be a tough time when the reality of it all sinks in. Take good care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.

  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    our animal shelters are full of pitts and pitt-boxer mixes, the breeds favored by actual and wannabe gang members and their friends. the dog is really not the issue although he too is a victim of your son's immaturity, impulsivity and irresponsibility.

    let him handle the dog. your involvement only gets you back into the mix.

    do your best to ignore the side show because that is all it is. the phone calls from the girlfriend need to stop. or get caller id and ignore her.

    you are correct. your son has disrespected you, your home and family in every way he could. he chose to. you responded as a responsible parent. you set a clear limit and now you are enforcing it. this bodes well for you and for him. now he has a chance. and so do you.

    concentrate on getting well and getting strong. do your best to keep his drama peripheral. most of all, keep posting. we are glad you are here. posting helps. be well and take care.

  13. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Thank you all, especially Leafy and Copa, for kind, reassuring words-we realize this is good time to go back to al-anon for reinforcing of strength to keep boundaries. I'm reminded that God was in this as it was no small coincidence that other son showed up at the exact time I needed help. This confirms to me that it had to be this way. thank you iron butterfly for your author unk. quote on signature, we are memorizing it. Please just keep us in thoughts and prayers-I got up to see frost this am and that's so hard to think he's sleeping in car. Yet as I cry I'm reminded that at least he has a car. He will never know how much we have grieved over him-I wish I knew how to stop just a little.
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    So Ready, You are entitled to your grieving time, we all are. So let it out as much as you can, it is healthy. Then work to build yourself up. Do know, that there are places for our kids to go to, to get warm, to get help. You have done a good thing for him, it may not seem like it now, because you are seeing him cold, in the car. Well, this has to be a point in his life where he needs to decide how he is going to live. Most of us have found that our kids do not launch and learn how to thrive in our homes. They just go into a tailspin, dependent, angry and resentful. That is not healthy for anybody. So, you have helped him. YOU are helping him understand the way the world works. Try not to think about him cold in the car. Set your sites on the fact that he has to do something about it, and he CAN. He MUST.
    In your home, odds are he wouldn't.
    You have set him free of the dependence that chained him.
    Gave him his wings, now he has to test them.
    It is growth and change.
    It is good.
    Hard....but good.

    Here is one of my favorite videos representing what our kids and WE need to learn.

    I love this. Old style, John Wayne. It is how we learned. Get out there in that world, the pond of life and sink or swim. The kids at home, are like the kid on the bank, fishing, with no possible good result. Will we be the Mom, worried and fretful. Or will we be John Wayne, confident that the kids can swim, and learn to fish on the other side of the bank, learn to depend on themselves and live.

    Will we be the Mom and allow them to live at home, not trusting that they can make it, casting their shadow, walking all over us?

    Or will we be John Wayne and say "What you can't swim?"
    Yes you can......"

    They can swim So Ready, and so can we.

    Have faith warrior Mom, he is going to be okay, because he has to be okay.

    You have done a good thing.

    You are John Wayne.

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  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    So Ready, I am sorry. I am catching up with this thread this morning.

    He's 28, as you so well know. If not now, then when? Keeping that in mind was very helpful to me as I cried and grieved and wavered and faltered. We love them so much, but we can't make things right for them.

    You are a Warrior Mom. This stuff is the absolute hardest stuff in the world. Please be very gentle and kind with yourself. I agree that God is in this, and this is your son's journey to travel as he needs to travel it.
    It's not our journey.

    I'm glad you are thinking about going back to Al-Anon right now. It's a shot in the arm for me every single time I go to a meeting. I am very grateful for this key tool in my toolbox.

    Yes, he has a car and he can sleep in the car if necessary. He will survive. And the dog can sleep in the car with him...I think it will be good for him to have the dog to care for as well.

    Please keep posting here as you need to. We know how tough this is. But this too shall pass, and maybe, just maybe, you are creating a new space for him to have a chance to change. Time, space and silence are good "karma" for us to send out to them. Let him go. He may just find his way. I am praying for you all today.
  16. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Well...we seem to be having wkly contacts from son. Exactly 1 wk after episode he showed up at house acting as if nothing had happened. He asked for his mail and picked up dog items he had left here so we knew he still had her. husband followed him while in house with little conversation. I stayed out of sight as much as possible, made no comments but I was a shaking wreck. The only thing he offhandedly mentioned was that he needed tax info so he could file and get a place to stay. He left without event. On Sunday morning, we saw his car at a "flophouse" near our church, so we suppose that's where he's been staying. Now last night (2 wks out of house) we get another long text as before, obviously by the ex girlfriend again, (speaking as if she is him) req. we take the dog for 2-3 wks until he gets apartment. States he has 2 job interviews tomorrow at a factory and a hardware store. Also says where he is staying has no electric or heat and it's too cold for the dog. We did not reply. We're letting them kill us with all the begging, I asked husband just to not show/tell me about texts anymore as it's obvious I can't take it. This was hopefully one of the last cold nights here, it's funny but that matters much to me. We know he has gas because he's driving the car. So much drama, my mind reels. It does help me to remember how many of you have LIVED through this, maybe we will also.
  17. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    You WILL live through this.

    My daughter does the same thing. She will be horrible, explode, rant and curse, storm out and spread vicious lies and hurtful things about me. Then she will breeze in later like nothing happened at all without explanation, apology or acknowledgement of her previous behavior. Bc of her diagnosis, I truly believe her behavior seems "normal" to her - she treats everyone this way, to some degree or another. I just get a heavy dose as her mom.

    I have had to do the same thing - tell hubs "just don't tell me" - bc once I know, I can't let it go and my mind will twist and turn and literally make me sick. It helps me to know that the majority of what she says and does is dramatized for attention/reaction and not to give her the attention/enabling she seeks. And the less I react, the less she tries. Truly. At first, though, she went to GREAT lengths to grab my attention and squeeze my heart when she felt me detaching. They don't know how to react when you don't so they up the ante for awhile. It is like a hurricane for awhile, but you will survive.

    And while I have become accustomed to her rain and expect the occasional thunderstorm, for now the hurricane has passed. It will for you, too.
  18. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    thank you Walrus--I need to hear this when I'm so tired. No contact this week and I feel better. My husband reminds me that there were many days, wkends, wks that he didn't come home when he lived here and THAT was by his choice. SO--he must have few places he can stay overnight. It's warmer here now so that makes me less worried.
    I guess I really need to learn to be accustomed to the rain, etc. why am I always taken aback by it? Slow learner I suppose, as I always hope/expect better. Hard to keep this and yet be realistic about our situation. It was imparted to me this wkend just how many families are now afflicted with substance abuse issues, so many parents heartbroken for all that lost potential. Yet, God is still in this--it's not over, you all do help me remember that.
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  19. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I can tell you that even though our d_c's lives are out of control, they always manage to find a place to stay or food to eat. Granted, it's not how we would choose but then again, it's not our choice it's theirs.

    My son once told me that he would rather sleep under a bridge in the middle of winter than go to a shelter. At the time when he told me that I just couldn't believe it. It went against every grain of common sense I have.

    There have been times over the years that my son has contacted me in one of his "desperate" moments and each and every time he managed to figure it out on his own.

    I know how hard it is to deal with, I've been right where you are.

    You will get through this!!
  20. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    thank you Tanya, this has proven true these weeks. DS shows up again this past wk twice, once at my husband's work saying he was near there at car insurance place paying his bill (with what we wonder)??? and then again at our home (930pm) this wkend to "get his mail". My husband met him on porch, did not invite in, I remained in house. The sound of his truck here makes me feel physically ill and shaky, I so associate it with chaos and pain. DS drove here (he had gas) someone was in truck (he has companion-?ex girlfriend?) he was smoking (has $ for cigs.) he had a soda ($for drinks) he also still has dog and she looked fine and fed. He went on and on (way too much conversation to be not impaired by something) and way too calm in comparison to his normal 2 word, angry tirades. He told husband all about multiple places he had found to rent, but most had credit cks (go figure) and he has bad credit of course. Also most cost 600+ a month. He certainly was fishing for an "I'll be glad to pay security and first mo. rent for you" but he didn't get that response. He asked if we had heard from disability and we said he should look through mail (sitting here x 2 wk) He was given a form to fill out when he moved out but we're sure it was too much bother for him. He also has name of social worker who has started his case twice for vocational training (both times he began but then quit due to "he had something better" in mind) He doesn't want it unless it comes easy...maybe it will cross his mind to get a job. Although any with drug test will disqualify, won't it? A reasonable person would knock on every door asking for employ so they didn't live in a flophouse with no heat or electric, right?
    BUT, this is no reasonable person--this is alcohol, drugs, mental illness...and this is my son.