Today's her birthday and she called

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Feb 16, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Well today is the big day. She is 18 today. I woke up feeling a bit sad but was able to hold it together for the most part. My son had a birthday party to go to today. On the drive there she calls my sister's cell phone. She spoke to my sister for a few minutes, nicely. My sister asked her where she was, of course she wouldn't say. My sister told her to at least call us every once in a while so that we know she is okay. Then she wanted to talk to me. She was very pleasant. Which made me even sadder. It is much easier to deal with her being missing when she is cursing me out. She kept on telling me that I was her whole world and that she loved me so much. I said happy birthday to her. She told me she wanted to come by the house and see me. I told her if she was coming to get birthday presents, there were none. She laughed and said she knew that she wasn't getting any presents. She asked if I would give her money. I said no. She did not get upset, she was quite nice actually. She just kept repeating how much she loved me. :( I asked her if she would tell me where she was and she said no. I asked her if she was safe. She said yes. She sounded really good. She said she does not want to go back to jail. I told her that at some point she is going to have to face up to her responsibilities. I gave her her sw's phone number and told her to call her as she would come to her. I explained to her that the sw would not turn her in but she would help her in any way she could. She was happy about that and wrote down the number. I hope she calls her. We hung up on a good note and then I fell apart. I called my mom to tell her that I heard from my daughter and she fell apart. She has been crying all day as it is her first grandchilds birthday today and she is out on the streets somewhere.

    She called back and said that she just left the house. I asked her how on earth she got in. She swore up and down that the door was open??? I swear we locked it when we left. She promised that she didn't take anything that did not belong to her. She just came to get some of her clothes. She again told me quite a few times how much she loved me. Like a knift right through the heart!!! I told her that I loved her very much and when she was ready to turn her life around I would be here for her. She said she knew that.

    I was afraid to come home. I didn't want to find that she had taken anything. To my surprise it doesn't look like anything is missing. She took clothes, a brush, her curling iron, blow dryer and her toothbrush. I am assuming that she is staying in someone's house if she took all that stuff. I think she is where she was the last time she went missing. At some guys apartment in the Bronx. She once told me that it was a dump and this guy is on welfare and lets anyone live with him. At least she isn't sleeping on a bench!!!

    I feel better knowing that she is okay and that she sounded good. But I am sad for her. I love her dearly and just want her to be okay. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks and now I am balling like a baby. As I type the tears are flowing!!! It was 18 years ago that I gave birth to this beautiful little angel and it tears my heart apart that she is now a complete mess!!! I am glad that she came here when we weren't home. I am afraid to see her. I am afraid of what she looks like. I am afraid of what she is doing to herself. If she does come home again I have no choice but to call the police and report her. That will break my heart but I have to do it. We have a court date on Friday for Family Court. It is to close out her case as she is now 18. I can't very well allow her to come home and not report her. I pray that she will be picked up soon. I pray that she will hit her bottom, get tired of living like this and make a real effort to change her life. At this point that's all I can do, pray!!! Please God take care of my little girl.

    Thanks for listening.

    Shawna :sad-very:
  2. compassion

    compassion Member

    (((( )))) You are in my thoughts and prayers. happy birthday warrior mom!!! Compassion
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I was thinking of you and your daughter while watching the Stephen Fry TV program last night on bipolar. I posted separately about it, I was wondering if your daughter wouldever watch a TV show like this one, a discussion on bipolar by someone who is himself bipolar but refuses all treatment. Stephen Fry also interviewed Richard Dreyfuss about HIS bipolar, it was very interesting. But despite Fry's refusal to have treatment, the showwas very much a discussion on what treatments there are these days, as well as the many individual ways that people with bipolar cope.

    Would difficult child's sw be able to get her to watch something like this?

    Hang in there, keep telling yourself that her birthday is just another day. Don't let your emotions run away with you or you risk making mistakes or weakening your resolve.

  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, I know this hurts so much. I'm glad, at least, that you know she's reasonably safe for now.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Shawna - a gentle hug to you. Mine will be 18 in 3 weeks.... this sure isn't where I thought we'd be after 18 years and I find myself alternating between anger, tears, and resignation, and just wondering where the heck it all go so messed up.

    I'm so glad she called you - that's huge, really. And that she was pleasant and was able to tell you she loved you.... what a b-day gift for you.

    Stay strong - you are not alone. And a happy b-day to your girl.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    {{{{Hugs}}}} Shawna.

    Just thinking of you, thinking of her, while you're sitting at the keyboard, crying, is so painful. You are being strong. You did very well on the phone.
    You know, on some level, she does know that you love her.
    She just has to mature.
    And you're right, she's not sleeping on a bench. And she picked up her curling iron! So she's not letting herself totally turn into a mess.
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hugs! Sending Warrior Mom Extra Strength!
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    You have done a wonderful job raising your baby girl. Just think what might have happened if she didn't have a Warrior Mom like you!!


  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Shawana, I feel your pain I was unable to celebrate my son's birthday with him three years in a row. He was either on the streets of in jail. It stinks big time for us moms.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs Shawna....Happy Birthday to you. You have made it to the big 18 with both of you alive. Have a glass of wine to celebrate.
  11. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Aww {{{{HUGS}}}} Shawna. I'm glad she sounds good and didn't take anything.

    I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Your doing good. I am still hopeful she finds her way one day.
    Remember it took me a long time, with many, many mess ups, but I did find my way.
    I am thinking about you and her.
  14. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    aww shawna. I am sorry you are feeling so sad. But you did point out some really good things. She is SAFE. She loves you. She knows you will be there. She didn't take anything that wasn't hers. That looks as if she is trying. Maybe baby steps, but it's a start. Happy Birthday to your baby girl. And sending hugs and strength to her mother. You are such a strong mom.
  15. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Shawna,
    hope you are feeling better today. I'm glad your dtr apparently is staying somewhere. You know, this may be a turning point. I know it was for my dtr. She thought life was going to be so wonderful when she turned 18 and no one could "control" her anymore. She found out pretty quickly that it is hard when you have to support yourself and your parents are not going to be such a safety net anymore. I think you did great on the phone and I know your dtr loves you. I think you will find you will be able to have a relationship with her--it will have to have strong boundaries but you haven't lost her, she will keep in touch and she will mature and grow up.
  16. AnnMarieTN

    AnnMarieTN New Member

    You have been on my heart. I hadn't been able to keep up with the boards the past few days and I knew her birthday was coming soon.

  17. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you so much my friends. You all always make me feel better. I do feel better today. In fact I am back to being disappointed in her as we noticed last night that she took a brand new pair of my husbands hundred dollar sneakers! And his lotion. The lotion is not a big deal though. I believe she took his sneakers to either sell them or give them to one of her "peoples". My sadness for her turned quickly into anger. The weird thing is that she didn't take anything of value, such as the IPods, cameras or the cell phones that were in the house. Strange. I am still hoping we find the sneakers, and that we made a mistake. I don't know.

    I feel good about the phone calls though. She sounded really good. She didn't sound high and she wasn't her nasty ghetto self. I know she misses me. I miss her too but I do not want to live with her. We can rebuild our relationship without living in the same house. I think once she is caught and goes back to jail she will start hating me again. I expect that though. Then hopefully we can work on getting along when she gets out. Of course only if she is not living here. I am trying not to look that far into the future. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

    On a good note. I lost 8 pounds!!! I dyed my hair and started wearing make up again. I feel good. Even the people that work in the stores where I get my coffee and such have noticed. They say that I look brighter. I feel brighter. I even bought anti-aging stuff for my face!!! lol Now, if I could only quit smoking!!!! One thing at a time.

    I would not be moving forward in my life if it not for all of you. You all have made such an impact in my life. I really mean that. This place has been a lifesaver for me. I would want all of you in my lifeboat!!! :)

    Thanks again.

    Thinking of you all always,

    Shawna :)
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs and lots of strength.
  19. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Hugs to you and your family.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you are feeling better. I also think she loves you and will be able to have a relationship with you in the future as long as you don't live together.

    I STRONGLY advise you to change the locks on your home and your sister's home. Either have the landlord do it or do it yourself. Then make SURE the landlord knows she doesn't live with you anymore. Otherwise the office might let her in. If she can get into your sister's apartment she will find keys to your home.

    So change both sets of locks and make sure all windows are locked, esp on fire escapes and balconies if you have either.

    I know that is a hard step, and it doesn't mean she is never allowed in your home again. It simply is a step to take to stop being a victim. Just because she didn't take anything other than expensive shoes this time does not mean she was not making a list or that she didn't have one of her "peoples" with her who was making a list and who can get her key to the home.

    you sound really good and I am so glad to hear it! Keep up the positive steps!!