Told my 19 year to leave

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost dad, Feb 7, 2014.

  1. Lost dad

    Lost dad New Member

    My son whom we had told told leave the house a few months back for stealing which has been an on going problem because he would steal anything he thought was valuable to sell for who knows what. He got a job and we told him as long as he was working he could stay at our house which worked well since he wasn't there when we weren't. After about a month or so he decided to move in with a friend. After moving in with his friend he worked about a week. Then one weekend he came by our house to visit which was ok, out of the blue he flipped out and started fussing and cussing at my wife and me, went out side and started beat his car with his fist. We got him calmed down and he left. Fast forward a couple of weeks he move out from his friends house and moved in with my parents. My mother is in remission, my son caught a stomach virus and ask if he could stay with us for the weekend so he didn't make her sick. We allowed him to stay and all went well since he was in bed most of the time. Sunday evening I told him that he could stay that night and Monday but if anything came up missing or broken he would not come back. We have a deadbolt lock on our bedroom door as well as my teenage daughters to keep him out of our rooms. Monday afternoon my mother in law and father in law has bought a new vehicle and were driving past out house and saw my son sitting outside smoking. So they pull in our driveway, my son runs in the house and came back out with 2 pistols. He said he thought they were on of his former drug buddies who has called him earlier in the day and threatened him so be kicked in our bedroom door and got the pistols out of my nightstand. They called my wife and me and told us then he called and tried to make it sound ok. I told him to give the pistols to them and stay outside until I got there. My wife arrived before I did and told him to leave and not come back, he then threaten to spray her with mase. By the time I got there he was gone. I have always been told I enable him but I had had enough. I called him found out where he was and went and confronted him about the ordeal. I then told him that he was not allowed to come back. Later that night he called and ask if I would take him to the hospital, he wanted to check himself into rehab. So I did, he was admitted. 2 days later he calls and says that they are releasing him in 4 day and that he's going to go to AA and NA get a job ect. And wants to know if he can come back home. I say know he needs a long term rehab. Not just a week. I then proceed to be told what a low life sob and several other colorful names that I am and that if I cared I would let him come back. I just don't feel that he has received the help he needs. I suggest a halfway house but he refuses stating that if he can't come back to our house that he will just go back to a life of drugs, using and selling. Did I do the right thing?
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yes! You and your wife are in a painful situation and our hearts go out to you BUT you have to draw a line in the sand! He needs boundaries and you all deserve to feel safe.
    Hugs DDD
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh lostdad,
    I ABSOLUTELY believe you did the right thing! Your son sounds paranoid and he is acting impulsively. He does need more help than you or your wife can give him right now.

    I understand being told what a low life you are or how it is your responsibility to provide shelter etc as this is the same thing I have been hearing lately from my "young difficult child".

    I don't think your son should be living with any family member right now. If he's serious about AA...he will go to a meeting regardless of where he lives.

    He is trying to make you feel badly for him but you MUST keep the rest of your family members safe!

    Stay strong!
    ps...If I were you I would get a lock box for those guns. They are too readily accessible and your son is unstable.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You son pointed some guns at your in-laws. Yikes. I'd never want a drug user to own a gun or even know where it was. Likely, he does have dealings with drug dealers and probably deals himself. My daughter was in deep shoot with a drug dealer who threatened to kill her only we didn't know it until she was clean. She never told us the very worst and I doubt your son has either.

    Your son is dangerous. Whether or not it is due to the drugs, I would never let him back in your house for any reason, even for a night. The drugs he is using may be making him paranoid which may be why he thought some drug dealer was driving by or else, worse, a drug dealer who is dangerous MAY be following him and that puts everyone at risk. I would encourage him to keep in recovery, but make him live somewhere else. In my home, there would be no second thoughts. You can't do that and be around me and my other loved ones. And shooting your wife with Mace??? No. I wouldn't let him near any of you. I'd communicate sparsely and give yourselves space. See if he is serious about quitting. You will know he is if he dumps his druggy friends, dresses nicer, gets a good job, and grows up.

    And look our difficult children always try to put the blame for their hideous, dangerous, illegal behavior on us. That goes without saying. In spite of the fact that he Maced your wife and got his pistols, it's YOUR fault. After all, although he is not a baby, how dare you want to be safe and peaceful and not get harmed. The Mace incident to me at least counts as violence. But they want us to feel guilty and do what they want us to do and give them all their toys and pay for them so they say anything they can think of to hurt us. They do hurt us...until we get immune to it.

    Your son is very sick, but he is also dangerous. He is the only one who can make sure he gets the help he needs. You can't do it for him. He has to call around, go to social services, do therapy...he is too old for you to do it for him. Nobody will allow you to. Whether he gets clean is his decision. Not saying it happens often, but my daughter got clean without a rehab. She just got tired of herself and did what she had to do.

    Trust me, even in your house he will go back to a life of drugs. He did it before. What makes you think that will stop him? Hitting the bottom is a better wake up call then sleeping in a warm bed after you've taken your drugs and acting like a maniac and dangerous to your parents because you are high as a kite.

    All of us have to walk this path alone. We all make our own decisions in our own time. How does your wife feel about his coming back home? I forget...any younger kids?

    Regardless of what you decide to do, I strongly advise going to a Narc-Anon or Al-Anon group with your wife for facetime help and therapy of your own. You may also want to join The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. Don't do it for Junior. Do it for you and your wife. You deserve a good life, even if you son is in self-destructive mode. You can't change anyone but yourself, which means you can't change your son one wit, but you sure can have a good life even while he is struggling. You have loved ones and friends who treat you well and with respect and don't threaten you...and you have the only person in the world you CAN control...YOURSELF. YOU matter. YOU matter as much as he does.

    I wish you peace, whatever you decide to do. Don't make any rash decisions. Talk it over with your wife and don't be influenced by difficult child's attempt to give you a guilt trip. Try to think rationally.

    You can keep helping your son even if he doesn't live with you. Find a list of rehabs, shelters, services, free meals and give him the list. He can do what he wants with it. Most of our kids are very resourceful. I haven't heard of one yet starving.

    I know how hard the guilt trip is. I cried for three straight weeks after I made my daughter leave and she threw a ton of accusations at me as she slammed out the door. We are the best of friends now. She claims now that I had done the right thing.

    I send you good vibes and hope we can help extend to you the strength one needs to go through this. Stay safe.
  5. Lost dad

    Lost dad New Member

    Thanks all. He is supposed to be released on Monday and every time we do talk all he is concerned about is where is going to stay. He has no transportation. We did go as far as to tell him we would try to rent him a place if we could afford it. I have tried numerous time to get him to agree to go to a Christian based halfway house to no availe. I told him he could not come back to our house. And to clarify he didn't mace my wife but did threaten to.
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2014
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have never had to deal with violence, thank the Lord, but I do suggest after over a decade on the Board that you provide him with a list of choices the HE can use for where he will live next. in my humble opinion, many of our SA kids are not capable of locating housing options and parents can provide those in writing...but the final decision is up to him. I am genuinely sorry that you and your wife are facing so much stress and drama. Hugs DDD
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yes I suggest doing some research on rehabs and halfway houses in the area. There is a wide variety out there both in terms of services and cost. You want one where the rules are fairly strict I think.... where they really do not accept people staying who are not staying sober. Then I would give your son a list of places that yo approve of and are willing (if you are able) to pay for. It will be hard for him to find a reasonable place to live without your financial help. BUT I would make sure it is a set up where you can pay the rent directly, you do not want to give your son any money.

    You dont say what kind of drugs he was into... and my guess is you dont really know. Given the amount of stealing he was doing from you my guess is that it is more than pot. So you really dont want to give him cash.

    I absolutely think you are doing the right thing not letting him come back and live with you right now. Sounds like he was in some kind of detox but he hasnt really staretd the long road of recovery yet.... and our difficult children will always tell us what we want to hear to get what they want (at least that is my experience with my difficult child).

    And if you can find a good alanon (or other support group) for parents I highly suggest you go. I have found it imensely helpful.


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  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree you did the right thing. Do not ever let him back in your house as long as you have guns there. This is a big thing to me, when you have teens there is always the chance no matter how well you raise them that they will get involved in drugs or alcohol and guns in the mix are a disaster.

    It sounds like he is involved in more than just using if he was so afraid he had to run in and get a gun for protection just because he didn't recognize a car.

    I am puzzled that a treatment center would release him in four days. Does he gave insurance? Most treatment centers are for 30-60-90 days. Can you help him find another treatment center? If he refuses to go then I think you need to cut off contact.

    I know this is difficult but he has already proven that he is capable of violence, what if he had shot someone? He needs help. Please secure your guns. He could break in or gain access someway and take them.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2014
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Lost Dad, welcome and I am glad you are here. I hope you can see that giving your son money is not a good idea. At all.

    His behavior is off the charts. It sounds like you have done, and done, and gone beyond done, to help him and have put up with a lot. Way too much.

    Learning Disability (LD), please start the long process of change in yourself. It sounds like he has now finally done it, but I have thought have before myself, and after time passes, and there is some distance, I become soft and weak and allow outrageous behavior again.

    It's time for that to stop in all our homes.

    You and your wife deserve a peaceful home where you don't have to lock your bedroom doors at night----against your own child. Think about that for a minute. Is that right from any perspective?

    If he can behave like this, he needs to do it alone. Without you as his pawns, his victims and his audience.

    I know you love him, but allowing this and rewarding it by handing him even one single dollar bill, is condoning what he did.

    If you aren't ready to completely stop the flow of money---which i recommend you work toward, sooner rather than later, only pay directly for anything you still provide for him.

    He gets none of your money in his hands.

    Starting this process of stopping our old behavior and learning new ways of dealing with someone who is completely out of control is the pathway to peace. Please get and read Cloud and Townsend's book called: Boundaries. it is excellent. Also the post on this site on detachment is something I have printed out, given to others in my family and reread many times. Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More, is another good book. Please find and go to an Al-Anon meeting if you can.

    There is much peace and hope to be gained, even when our adult addicted children are out of control.

    keep coming back here, Lost Dad. We understand how you feel as we have all been there ourselves. Blessings and prayers to you and your wife.
  10. Lost dad

    Lost dad New Member

    Thanks for all the great advice and well wishes. I found out yesterday that he was only in detox and the insurance company only approved 4 days of treatment. That really just blows my mind. I just spoke to my son over the phone and he has actually requested to enter rehab tomorrow when he is released from detox. He said he didn't feel as if he is ready to face the world and doesn't feel he will have the self control he needs to say no if put in the situation. This will all depend on what his Dr. Thinks tomorrow.
    Thanks Learning Disability (LD)
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is great news. Many places will detox you and send you on your way, when what they really need to do is find a treatment center so they can actually learn how to live without drugs. We were lucky, our treatment center had a detox unit attached to it so our difficult child went right from detox down the hall to the residential unit. It's very good that he realizes he needs more help.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    This is what drives me crazy... detox is only the first step.... so much more treatment is needed. The fact that he wants treatment is really good news.... I hope you can find a rehab that the insurance will cover or some other option.


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  13. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    I tend to agree with all other posters. Do not let him come back to your home, but if he is asking for help, by all means help him get it.

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